The Editor of CNN.com is a female…

I think this story surprises no one…

To ESPN we go...

“NASCAR confirmed Wednesday that suspended driver Jeremy Mayfield tested positive for methamphetamines.

The confirmation came outside federal court after Mayfield's attorney mentioned the illegal substance several times during a 45-minute argument against the driver's indefinite suspension. Court recessed after Bill Diehl's argument and is set to reconvene Wednesday afternoon.

"We will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jeremy Mayfield did violate the NASCAR substance-abuse policy and tested positive for methamphetamines," spokesman Ramsey Poston said.

Diehl argued in court that Mayfield has never shown any characteristics of a meth abuser, and if he used the drug at the levels NASCAR has suggested, Mayfield would be "either a walking zombie or he's dead."”

That’s right.  NASCAR driver on meth.

Of all the sports and drugs mixes, this might make the most sense.

Big's Mav's Wishlist

Tomorrow is the beginning of the NBA free agent period, and after the abortion that was the mav's draft (prince abu-abu?), the only hope for retooling the Mav's roster now lies in the hands of Donnie Nelson and Mark Cuban to open up the pay check and find some guys that will help get this team back to the elite level.

Nobody knows, and I haven't even heard many rumors about the Mav's off season plan. They may be playing it close to the vest, as they hope not spoil their big plans, or they may still think Dirk + Guys = Championship, but lord I hope not.

The Free Agent crop this year is good, but not great, and the Mav's have a (mostly) full mid level, and with Kidd's money coming off the books, a sign and trade could most deff happen. I don't expect them to get a top tier guy, but there are lot of helpful players out there. Here is what I would do.

Top Priority:

Secure the Point Guard. Either resign Jason Kidd, or get ready to roll with JJ and Terry running the point with a few min to the kidd from France they just drafted. If Kidd leaves, which he might, there are a few guys out there that could be had as stop gaps and play a decent roll, but none are on Kidds level. Guys like Jarrett Jack or the ageing Andre Miller. Either one of those guys, plus JJ would get you by, but it doesn't make you better even in the slightest.

Top Priority #2:

Find a Slasher who can score.

This has been the bane of the Mavericks as long as I have been watching them. They haven't had anybody (outside of one or two good years from Stack) that has no problem going to the rim, taking a foul, and the dreaded "create their own shot" ability. There aren't many guys in the league that can do this, so to say the pickings are slim would be an understatement, but there is most def room to improve here.

Lamar Odom or Trevor Ariza from LA could help, as they probably won't keep them both. Odom has the ability to be a top 15 guy, but lacks the discipline, and while Ariza's ceiling is lower, he works harder and plays good defence.

Ron Artest is another guy who can bring inconsistent play, but would add an air of toughness to this team that it lacks. The thought of him being apart of this class was almost unthinkable, but with the recent news of Yao Ming's foot possibly keeping the big man on the bench for another year, Artest may not want to stay in Houston if they have no chance at winning a title.

After these three, there is a slew of good role players, that would be about the same level as a healthy focused Josh Howard, but probably cost too much. Guys like Hedo Turkoglu(ball handling and jump shot,) Shawn Marion (defense and shooting), Hakim Warrick (rebounding and defence), and Marvin Williams (athleticism and rebounding). While all those guys are nice, they arn't worth the money they would command, except for maybe Williams, he might could be had on the cheep.

Pressing Needs #1

Back Court back up's.

Dirk is Dirk, and will be for the next several years, and we all know what we are going to get out of Damp, and with that in mind, the mav's need to have people behind these two guys to spell them some minutes and when Damp fouls way to much. Project one would be resigning Brandon Bass, but he might think he could start somewhere. If he leaves, guys like Charlie Villanueva, Antonio McDyess, and everybodys favorite Chris Andersen. I would take any of these four guys, as long as the price is right, and they don't' get locked into a bad contract.

Now that you know what I'm thinking, let me tell you what I would do.

PG - Resign Jason Kidd. 2 or 3 year deal, keep the Kidd - Dirk tandem as your core to make another push over the next 3 years.

SG - Marquis Daniels. Off him part of the mid level, share his min with the streaky Terry.

SF - Ron Artest. Trade Josh Howard away to Houston in a sign and trade, where they would use Howard to pair with T-Mac and get rid of the disgruntled star.

PF - Dirk

C - Damp

Bench - Just for the sake of it being easy, i would slightly overpay Bass to stay a mav.

Thought Number Two. If the Mav's can't resign Kidd, I go after Jarrod Jack or Andre Miller with my mid level, then go after Lamar Odom as had as I can. If that worked out, then the starting line up would be Jack, Howard, Odom, Dirk, Damp. that would at least be a step forward.

But we all know this wont happen. With Donnie running the ship, I'm pretty sure Memo Okur will end up on this team. Watch .

TB & TB Movie Review: Transformers 2 Revenge of the F---EXPLOSIONS!!!!!

Me, Big and Bear decided to take in a movie the other day, and we decided to go and rekindle some old school hobbies and watch “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen”.

In one word, here’s my review : GodFuckingAwful

I know I’m getting old now because normally this kind of movie is right up my alley.  I played with Transformers as a kid.  I enjoyed the first movie, probably more for the novelty of it.  However, this movie was just about the worst sack of shit I’ve ever seen.

Let’s re-cap.

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

Shia LaBeouf.  13 year old humor.  Sex jokes geared toward high schoolers.  Downloads the intersect into his brain from the cube. (No, I didn’t just describe “Chuck”, the same thing happens here.)

Megan Fox.  Finally, we have something positive.  Let me expound on this a little more.  I love Megan Fox.  If I’m brokering a “free pass clause” from the lady, this is my choice.  Seriously, I’d eat pudding out of Megan Fox’s ass if she asked me.  If we’re at a point where Megan Fox was asking me to do that, I’ve accomplished everything I plan on accomplishing in life, so I’ve probably died…that or I’m fantasizing while seductively licking a Snack Pack out because I can’t find any spoons.  Anyway…back to the review

EXPLOSIONS!!!!

Shia LaBeouf’s mom gets high and acts funny.

Cameo by Raine Wilson.

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Really uncomfortably racist robots.

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

MORE EXPLOSIONS!

John Turturro in his underwear.

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

Borrow the set of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”

Robot with balls.

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Shia LaBeouf goes to Robot Heaven to talk to Optimus Prime’s ancestors.  (I swear to God I am not making that up.  Did the Futurama writers get a hold of this script?)

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Linkin Park song.

Fin.

I fear Idiocracy has set in because this was pretty much a chance for Michael Bay to blow as much shit up as he could and make 13 year olds laugh their asses off.

The Passing of Michael Jackson

If you know me, then you know that I am one of the biggest Michael Jackson fans there can be.  I spend most of my day jamming to Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson while working, and I’ve been known to entertain wedding receptions with my renditions of “Don’t Stop Till you Get Enough”.

So, when I heard the news last Thursday that MJ had passed away, I can honestly say that it didn’t register.  Given that Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett had just died, I thought it was a creepy coincidence, but beyond that, I didn’t think twice about it.

Then the weekend hit, and I found myself watching 2 and 3 hour blocks of videos on VH-1.  (By the way, fuck you MTV.  I understand you don’t play videos anymore, but Michael Jackson made your god damned network what it is.  Why not take a break from your Made marathon and other bull shit like that and pay some fucking tribute.  Kurt Loder doesn’t have a job anymore, throw him a bone already.)

I’ll go ahead and say it.  I miss Michael Jackson.  Sure, he hasn’t done anything of relevance in the past 15 years, but he was planning on putting together the world tour, and I was planning on going.  When I heard that there was going to be a giant reunion tour with MJ and the Jackson 5 at JerryWorld, I was pretty much ready to fork over any amount of cash to go.  You can take your George Strait and U2, give me J5.

“But what about the fact that he diddled 12 year old anus?”  (Hello, pervert pedophile Google searchers, you’re going to jail soon!) Um, pretty sure that didn’t effect his ability to make music.  Look, I understand he had turned into this creepy, ghoulish character who liked little boys too much.  I don’t care.  I’m not saying that I wanted to be like the man, I just said that I was a big fan of his music. 

You can mock me all you want to, but I miss MJ, and I’m really sad that he’s dead.

The NBA Draft

Yes, it’s true, I haven’t posted to this little corner of the www in a while.  It isn’t because of lack of desire, it’s been more a lack of time and a lack of formulating words into sentences.

I’m really not sure where I’m supposed to start…so…

Let’s start with the thing that has infuriated me to the point of random outbursts and almost getting thrown out of a restaurant that I was at with Big and some other friends…the NBA Draft

We knew walking into this draft that after pick number one, things just kind of fell down off the board.  Sure, there were possible studs like Rubio, Curry and long shots like Ellington and Evans, but all in all, it’s a lesser of a few evils. 

(By the way, when Jrue Holliday was selected did anyone kind of want to hear a JRUUUUUE! followed by the Souljaboy Tellem steel drums?  Just me?  Okay, then.)

Anyway, let me share my reaction when I see that your Dallas Mavericks selected B.J. Mullen from Ohio State. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!  THAT’S THE WORST GOD DAMN THING I’VE EVER SEEN!!!”  Proceeded by me slamming tables, chairs and trying to jab my fork into Big’s neck.

When my anger had somewhat subsided, we proceeded to go to a bar and hang out.  It was there that I found out that they had traded within their division for the French Leandro Barbosa, Antoine Rigadeau Olive St. Pierre/Tariq Abdul-Wahad Rodrique Beaubois.

Well, I don’t know what happened after that.  I saw nothing but red, and next thing I know, I found myself sitting in my garage with a corded rope and a busted light fixture fallen from the ceiling.

I don’t want to hear the argument “but they turned a single pick into 3 assets and draft picks next year”.  That’s bull shit.  Donnie Nelson and the Dallas Mavericks did one thing in this year’s draft, and that was bend the fans over a table and fuck them in the ass with a French tickler.

You could hear the absolute disdain in Rick Carlisle’s voice during the press conference the day after.  Even the media was in disbelief and couldn’t think of any questions besides “so, Roddy, do you know Tony Parker?”

I’ll ask the question no one had the balls to ask.  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, DONNIE NELSON?!?!!?!?

You’ve hit on ONE. JUST ONE European player.  Landing Dirk does not give you the freedom to pick people from shitty leagues overseas and claim you can coach them up. 

This team is sliding further back in the West, and sooner or later they’ll be the next to last team in their division.  Sam Presti is building OKC into quite the powerhouse.  The Spurs know what they’re doing. Houston is making smart trade.  New Orleans can’t manage money, but they can manage their team.  The Mavs might have finally done it.  They’ve done nothing but spit in my face as a fan for years, and I’m considering breaking up for good.

Fuck you, Donnie Nelson.  If you love Europe so god damned much, go coach in Greece and let’s get someone in here who doesn’t depend on Fran Fraschilla to tell them who to draft!

Giggle (too soon?)

The Warmingglow, Well done.



Well done indeed.

Your New (foreign) Mav

he's french. He's a guard who's quick but likes to shoot three's. He was taken 25 by OKC, then traded to us for the 24th pick BJ Mullens. He was slated to go mid to late 2nd round, possibly not even drafted. We took him at the end of one. Kill me with death.

Highlight Video.



(thriller was a nice touch, but not on purpose.)

ladies and gentlemen......

Rodrigue Beaubois

Another reason i'm scared of getting old

Every time I drink, I feel it. Every time I work out, I feel it. Hell Every time I look at a teenager and think "holy crapy they are young," I feel it.

And now, another reason to be scared of getting old.



now how will i get chicks?

NBA Draft, where dallas will takes somebody who won't ever play

I know, first post in a long time. Basketball is over, I'm not that big a baseball guy, suck it.

However, the NBA draft is this Thursday. Every year, I get so damn excited as to who the Mav's will take, how they can help us win a title next year, so on and so forth. And ever year I get bent over sideways and fucked in the ass. Its what they do.

Even back in the day, the greatest day of drafting the mavericks ever had, I felt like the mav's fucked it all up. Let me explain.

SI.com has a list of "Best Players Drafted at their picks" bit that is a staple when draft time comes along. Well, I'll let you read what they said.

"9. Dirk Nowitzki, Bucks, 1998: In a prearranged draft-night trade that turned into one of the most lopsided deals in history, the Mavericks sent No. 6 pick Robert Traylor to the Bucks for Nowitzki and No. 19 pick Pat Garrity, whom Dallas dealt to Phoenix for Steve Nash. Nowitzki's three-point shooting as a 7-footer transformed the NBA's view of the power forward position. He led the Mavericks to the 2006 NBA Finals and was named league MVP a year later."

Sounds great right? And looking back on it, It really was great. Franchise changing if you will.

Did I think so at the time? Hell, no. my young high school self was watching the draft, and got really really excited when my team, took one of my favorite college players at number 6, Robert "Tractor" Traylor. Then they go and trade for this foren guy that i have never heard of.

Needless to say, I'm glad they did. But at the time, just another kick in the pants form the Mav's drafting team. I guess that's why I'm not an NBA GM. (though I really think I should be).

Look who took a field trip!

One of our few readers and good friend D-Nasty took a trip this last weekend to the new Cowboys stadium for a country concert of the great George Straight. It was the first time the stadium was open for an event, and he took an ass load of pics and was nice enough to share them with us and tell us his thoughts on the spaceship.

For the past three years, all we have heard about the new Cowboys Stadium is that it will end up being pretty much the most bad ass place in the world to watch any sort of sporting event. I had a chance last weekend to see if it lived up to its hype, and man oh man, it did. Firstly, the parking situation is not lacking. We had no issues getting into or finding our lot as the parking lots are marked with massive signs starting about a half mile from the stadium on the south side. Getting out was a whole other story- it took just under an hour to get out of the lot. I will admit that the acoustics were lacking but at the end of the day it’s a football stadium not a symphony hall.

We entered the stadium on the west side (end zone) and as soon as we got in the door we were met with a blast of cold air. That’s right, no more sweaty fat guy next to you for the opening games in September. Once the place filled up, the temperature raised but it was still very comfortable with 60,000 people inside. The end zone concourse areas are wide open to the field and you can see the entire stadium without having to walk through a tunnel under the seats. The main concourse level has a Texas Stadium feel to it at the end zones and then you walk into an enclosed area that pretty much runs the length of the field. Jerry definitely knows how to bring on the bling. I kept wandering how long it would take to look like shit after the season started. For a football stadium meant to have a bunch of rowdy fans, it sure felt like walking through the lobby of a high class hotel. The men’s crapper sure did feel like Texas Stadium. I think that’s where Jerry cut back on spending. The field itself is lined with suites so all the Chris Chris’ can say they were there and saw nothing but Flozell’s ass on the sideline because there is no possible way to see anything on the field during a game from that perspective. They are below the field level like a baseball dugout. I think the most kick ass seats in the whole place would be the high backed end zone seats.

Our seats were in section 333. That level is sort of like the equivalent of the Platinum Club at the American Airlines Center . It’s as if Jerry took elements from the AAC, Rangers Ballpark in Arlington and Texas Stadium and split the themes up by level. The main concourse resembled Texas Stadium in that the columns and set up was very similar. The 300 level, where we were, seems as if it was designed to be like the AAC. The concourse was more of a hallway with entries to suites on the inside and bathrooms on the outside and a bar/concession area on each side. There was a main bar situated in an open area and flanked by two concession stands. There is plenty of room to move around even when it is full of people. Of course the décor and amenities are on a higher end versus the main concourse and upper levels.

The upper level was more like the upper level at the Ballpark. Getting off the escalator felt like I was going to my cheap seats to see a Rangers game. The whole concourse is littered with concession stands and not much else. It happened to be the best place to get food (I’ll touch on the momentarily). I took a peak at what the field looked like from the upper levels, and believe me you want to be in the 300’s or lower. Otherwise you are paying to be at a live event just to see it on a kick ass HD television.

The most awesomist motherf-in screen in the world. I honestly sat in my seat and just stared in awe for a couple of minutes. You can’t imagine it until you see it in person. It is that bad ass! We all know the specs and the hype behind it, but once you see it, it takes you to a whole new level of happy place in your pants. From the 300 level, it is just above you like sitting in a movie theater (I wouldn’t put it past Jerry to offer exclusive viewings- it would be worth every penny). Some of the pictures I took would make you think I was front row they were so crisp- taken directly from the screen. Putting it in perspective, when you look at it versus the other side of the stadium, it pretty much blocks over half of the other side. You see the lower bowl and that’s about it.

I really only have one complaint and I made sure to let everyone who worked there know that nachos should be served on every level. The level we were on only had trendy high end servings like Kobe Hamburgers and buffalo quesadillas and I had to make the trek to the 400 level for peanuts, nachos and even beer at one point. They did run out of food and beer for a portion of the show but I am sure that will be taken care of in the future. Overall, yes, it is the most bad ass place to watch a sporting event. It’s typical Jerry going over the top but what should we expect having the most storied and popular franchise.

Nostalgia is Friggin’ Awesome!

He wasn't kidding.

If you aren't following us on the TWEET space. You are missing browns full on assault on your mind. some highlights of last night's tweet-a-thon.

You think Dwight Howard had those shoulders as a baby? Is his mother's vagina like a waterslide? I'm turned on. -Brown

Wow, we gained another follower in the time I've decided to post to Twitter like a 12 year old discovering his penis. Go us. -Brown

Why did the black guy felt empowered to pour sprinkles all over he ice cream counter? Verizon is sponsored by the Black Panthers - Brown

If Hedo Turkoglu is the Turkish Michael Jordan, then Zaza Pachulia is the Turkish Karl Malone. -Brown

If we ever get a basketball team together, my jersey will say "LeBrown" - Brown
i'm really failing to see the appeal of the twitter. we've been on for a week and i feel more like denka than ricky from barbershop - Brown

I'd probably like Michael Cera's movies if it wasn't for the awkward kid in all of them. -Brown

If you're laughing at a premature confetti drop, you're a) a woman and b) a total bitch. - Brown

Follow us hereHere at http://twitter.com/bigandthebrown

My car’s busted, only one thing left to do

I’m Twittering our page so hard, I’m gonna make the “fail whale” scream in pain.

http://twitter.com/bigandthebrown

“Let’s keep immigrants out…except the geniuses”

I was flipping through a magazine the other day and came across an interesting article regarding how states will be much more stringent on granting H1-B visas to immigrants to ensure that companies are hiring U.S. workers. 

For example, you can’t pay them less then a U.S. worker and you have to lay out exactly what they’re doing and how they qualify more than any U.S. worker, so on and so forth. 

However, the U.S. has a lesser known type of visa known as the O-1 visa.  This thing is referred to as “the genius visa”, and all it takes is to prove that this singular person has a skill set that no one else in the world, let alone in the entire United States of America has.

This O-1 visa is completely removed from any political debate going on in the U.S. government between Republicans and Democrats.

I know what you’re thinking, “what the hell does this discourse on immigration and business have to do with sports?”

Well, one of the few people who happen to have one of these “genius visas”?

Big, what’s this say?

Yup, you guessed it, Dirk Nowitzki.  Other athletes who have qualified for O-1 visas?  Wayne Gretzky, Ronaldo, and Annika Sorenstam

"Beat Brown's Caption" Contest!

I'm going to periodically put a picture up with a wacky quote. Use the comment section to beat the quote with something funnier.

“Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom portray the writers of their favorite blog, The Big & The Brown”

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again

 

I hate teenagers.

In full disclosure, I do find entertainment in Andy Samberg.  I think the guy has talent, and he is pretty damn funny.   He managed to lure me in to watching the MTV Movie Awards this year.

My reaction?  Remove metal detectors from schools and let’s go back Darwinian physics.

Look, I understand that MTV has always catered to the lowest common denominator.   I remember Howard Stern doing the Fartman bit, but I’m pretty sure that my generation’s youth wasn’t this fucking retarded.

Allow me to rundown some winners for you:

• Movie: “Twilight”
• Actor:  The Efron kid from “High School Musical 3”
• Actress: The drunk girl from “Twilight”
• ”Breakthrough” Actress: The one girl who didn’t get naked in pictures from “High School Musical 3”
• ”Breakthrough” Actor: The smelly kid from “Twilight” who played Cedric Diggory in the “Harry Potter” flicks.
• Best Song: Hannah Montana
• Best Fight: Twilight
• Best Kiss: Twilight
• “Generation Award”: Ben Stiller

I feel like such an old man because, I don’t even know what the hell this “Twilight” thing is, short of the fact it’s got to do with vampires and shit.  (By the way, my playing Castlevania as a kid made me a dork, but liking “Twilight” makes you cool????)  But this movie was up against actual good movies. 

I know what you’re thinking, “relax, man, these are kids, they’re not going to pick “The Wrestler” or “Slumdog Millionaire” over “Twilight”.   There is no way in hell this show was geared towards kids.  I was rendered pretty uncomfortable by the jokes that were told, and pretty shocked at the language the got away with. 

And that’s what it boils down to.  Viacom and MTV aren’t to blame, it’s the consumer.  The target demo?  You got it, the 15-22 crowd.  This is the future of the world, and I’m supposed to be okay with the fact that this is what entertains them? 

Mike Judge, I’m pretty sure, was telling a joke with the movie, “Idiocracy”, but with my first 2 hour dalliance with MTV in a long time, that movie may become more of a mirror than we’d like it to be.

Fucking teenagers.

My head just exploded…

Dan Shanoff usually writes a decent quick hit of sports every morning over at The Sporting News Blog…

I say usually because I think I read a bit that literally made me so confused and shaken that I had to step outside for a moment:

“Meanwhile, the Magic's win was an affirmation:

— For building your team around a super big: Howard

— For max spending on a complimentary player: Lewis

— For the Euro invasion of NBA: Hedo > Dirk.

— For streetball: Skip To My Lou had a great series.

— For Otis Smith: Signing (Lewis); drafting (Lee); trading (Alston).

— For the Magic, not the Cavs, as the NBA's rising power. “

Did you read that third bullet?

Go ahead, read it again.

Have you gone mental yet?  You should.

Where was I this weekend?

 

Image Source: EDSBS

Have a good weekend.

Be Honest, how long did you do it?

Have a good one.