Thursday, October 16, 2008

No! No! No! No! Never! Never! No!


I know what we're running away from...

Disturbing news today from my arch-nemesis, PETA....

"PETA is asking the owners of Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown to take a $50 million cut in pay.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has sent a letter to owners Michael Iavarone and Richard Schiavo begging them to castrate the colt"

Why? What did we ever do to PETA beside enjoy a nice steak?

What's worse is that I can think of about 5 ex-girlfriends of mine who would be willing to sign this petition...jeez, it's not like I didn't punch them in the stomach when I was done to make sure nothing bad happened.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

"Are you guys alive and paying attention?"


How Brown feels these days...a coked up Brit.

The obvious answer to your question is the picture above.

No. Apparently both of us have jobs that pay bills and such.

Personally, I'm going to say shock, really. I mean...so much going on, and everyone is covering it already.

Time for quick hits...

-Tony Romo, breaks pinky (apparently it was a Cardinal sack, and not providing Jessica with that extra dirty loving that white girls appreciate). Originally thought to be out four weeks. Receives phone call from Brett Favre. Now claims to want to play this Sunday in St. Louis. I guess that can only mean that Brett Favre really is God. Now how about curing Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's, Brett? We want, nay, we need Teen Wolf 4.

-Terrence Newan, still injured.

-Felix Jones, torn hamstring. Felix is out for 2-3 weeks. So much for Jerry's Razorback Wunderkind. Lucky for us, I truly believe that Tarshard Choice is a solid back up to Barber. He isn't the flash that Jones is, but he certainly is better than anyone else in recent years.

-Pat Watkins, still hurt.

-Kyle Kosier, injured Jew. Big, we're looking in your direction.

-Flozell Adams, shoulder stinger. Technically this is the equivalent of temporary paralysis...yet somehow he still gets false start penalties. I wonder how well this will go over in 2013 when he's still under contract.

-Roy Williams, still injured. No one cares.

-Roy Williams, new addition. To quote a text message I sent to Big, "Finally, the REAL Roy Williams has come back to Texas!" I take full credit for this. I bet Jerry read this. I don't have anything else to say, except it was quite the week for Texas fans.

-Let's see, did I forget anything? Anything? Anyone? Beuller? Fry? ...Ahh yes, Q-bert strikes again. Pacman Jones, out for 4 games, minimum, maybe forever. You have one responsibility, don't fuck up. You sit out for 1.5 years and you are consistently reminded, don't fuck up. You see what happens to Mike Vick, and you're reminded, don't fuck up. You get a daily allowance from Jerry Jones with a note saying, don't fuck up. You finally get a taste of freedom and what do you do? YOU FUCK UP. I hope I'm not the only one who thinks Pacman Jones is slowly patterning himself after Brooks from "The Shawshank Redemption". He only knows how to exist "on the inside", and when he was finally free, he killed himself.

That's the worst comparison I've ever made. I'm sorry.

Oh, and to apologize for the Amy Winehouse picture above, here's an olive branch...


Megan Fox in a Star Wars T-Shirt. She'll never do me wrong. Ever.

Monday, October 13, 2008

"Barbie Carpenter Suck Watch" : Day 898



"Bobby Carpenter doesn’t have the upside of a lot of the linebackers in this draft, but he looks like a safe bet to be a solid NFL linebacker. As long as his ankle checks out fine - and it should - Carpenter will be a Day One selection and should move on to a successful NFL career."

--Football's Future, 2006

Don't worry, we'll be okay.

As sexy reader, Carl B, pointed out to me this morning, we've suffered a broken foot and our racing career is over.



Godspeed, you fucking horse. Godspeed.

College Football Round Up - Week 7 - The pay Off

Mack get to Be the Cracker this Week!


Did you like that little Saturday of college football? I hope you did. In the greatest month of the year, we had what could have been one of the more entertaining Saturday of recent memory. Not only did we see 3 top 5 teams go down, but we the build up for the rest of the year only intensifies.

One more side note before my rankings. How bad does Georgia feel this morning? They have lost only once, and it was to the current number 2 team in the nation, yet they are ranked 10th. That's behind Florida(lost to unranked team), USC (lost to unranked team), and Oklahoma (just lost to number one team). So your telling me that loseing to Texas is 6 polls spots more impressive than losing to Alabama? riiiiggghhhtttt.

This is my top 10, in two tiers, in wrestling terms.

Main Eventers.

No. 5 Texas (win 45-35, No. 1 Oklahoma) What can I say about this fantastic game that hasn't already been said? Texas did what they needed to do to win, played just enough defense to win, got some love from the kicking game, and just flat out won the game. I really hope the Horns don't rest of their morals, they have a pissed off Mizzou team coming to town this week. !!!!EDIT!!!! Tommy Bowden just got canned in Clemson. Why did I put this here? I'm calling it, Muschamp goes there!!!!!

No. 2. Alabama (idle) - Seriously, we need the SEC and Big 12 championship game winner to battle for the BCS title. Please don't take this from me. Bama didn't play this week, and they probably liked it that way.

No. 6 Penn State (win 48-7, Wisconsin) - OK, so maybe Wisconsin isn't as good as people thought they were, but putting up 48 on them is crazy. State did it with Passing, Rushing, and Special teams on Saturday night. Daryll Clark had 244, and 3 total TD's. It was about 3 or so weeks ago I said i wasn't going to put a big ten team in the top ten yet here Penn State sits, my number 3 team in the land.

No. 7 Texas Tech (win 37-31 OT, Nebraska) - Yes, the had to take the Huskers to OT, but a win is a win. With a team like Tech, you always here about their great QB's and WR's, and this year is no different with Harrell and Crabtree, but what won them this game was the play of Sophomore running back Baron Batch. 10 Rushes, 97 yards, with a long of 49. He has that big play, take it to the barn at any moment, that complements the spread so well.

No. 11 Florida (win 51-21, No. 4 LSU) - LSU got by during the first 5 weeks of the season on the idea that last year they were very good, and this year they were going to bring back the same defensive mindset that made them so good last year. Thing about that is, that was last year. This year, they allowed 265 yards on the ground to Florida. 265! Freshmen Jeffrey Demps averaged almost 13 yards a carry, and had over 120 yards.

Mid Card Guys

No. 10 Georgia (win 26-14, Tennessee) - Florida gets the nod over Georgia for fact they have beaten better teams, but the Dawgs aren't far behind them in the one loss category. 26-14 looks kinda close, but the game really wasn't at all. Georgia out gained Tennessee by over 200 total yards. Matt Staford had a very Romo like day, going over 300, but trowing the 2 picks that kept Tenn in the game.

No. 17 Oklahoma State (win 28-23, No. 3 Missouri) - I am a big proponent of undefeated with an easier schedule is better than one loss with a hard schedule, but I can't put Oklahoma State in front of the two big one loss SEC teams yet. The win over Mizzou puts them in my top 10, and gives them a legit shot at a BCS title. But so far that is the only real nice win they have. They play Texas in 2 weeks, so we shall see.

How did they beat Chase Daniels? Getting in his head and picking off 3 passes helped, so did holding them to 2-9 on third downs. Another young star, Kendall Hunter, had a nice game running the ball for the Cowboys too, 24-154. Last week vs. A&M was the only time he hasn't gone over 100 this year, and he got damn close with 90.

No. 9 Brigham Young (win 21-3, New Mexico) - Another day, another win for BYU. I put them up this far to remind everybody that they play TCU this Thursday, and its going to be one hell of a game.

No. 8 USC (win 28-0, Arizona State) - Watch out for the Trojans, as they have now beating the two teams in the pac 10 with that had the best chance of upsetting them for a pac 10 championship, Oregon and Arizona State. Joe McKnight carried this team with his biggest game of the year, 12 touches, 150 yards. They have a real good shot at sneaking back in this thing.

No. 1 Oklahoma (loss 35-45 No. 5 Texas) - Texas doesn't have an easy road to hoe, they have Mizzou, OSU, Tech and A&M still to play, so it isn't crazy to think they could lose 2 of those games. If they do, Oklahoma will be right there to retake the number one slot in the south. Bob Stoops beter have his boys ready, though, they have Kansas and the fighting Mangino's coming into town this week. Either they will play pissed off after the Texas loss, or be so dejected that Kansas can steal one in Norman.

Developmental Guys. (not the next best teams, but some teams to watch out for)

No. 23 Michigan State (win 37-20 , Northwestern) - There goes Browns Vandy-Northwestern BCS game, but Michigan State isn't a nobody. This team can play a little bit. They got a running back by the name of Javon Ringer, who already has over 1,000 yards and 14 touchdowns this year. He's a nice looking back at 5-9 202lbs.

No. 22 North Carolina (win 29-24, Notre Dame) - As much as I think Notre Dame should have won this game, UNC has a nice little squad. WR Hakeem Nicks went over 100 yards for the third time this year with 141 on 9 catches vs. the Irish.

BCS Busters Watch.

No. 14 Utah (win 40-7, Wyoming) only 242 yards, but 40 points. Wow.

No. 15 Boise State (win 24-7, Southern Miss) - remember when Southern Miss was the next big thing? Not so much anymore as Boise held their QB to under 50% completion percentage.

No. 25 Ball State (win 24-7, Western Kentucky) - 200 yards on the ground will make even the coolest mascots hang their head.

Big Ups to all my Haters upset of the week could go to any number of team, but I'm going to give the nod to Mississippi State with their 17-14 upset over No. 13 Vanderbilt. Thus putting Vandy back in their hole, with their shine box.

Local Love

Tulsa 37, Southern Methodist 31 - Last second shot fail for the Ponys, but after Listening to June Jones talk today, he thinks the team has taken a step, and they now believe that they can win those type of games. Unlike......

Louisiana-Lafayette 59, North Texas 30 - I don't know if UNT can beat Euless Trinity right now. At one point, early in the third, i got a text, "hey man, we just scored and the score is 35-27 and just forced them to punt, I'm feeling it man!" Followed 2 mi nets later with "never mind we just through a pick, we suck again." That's some Dodge Ball brother!

TCU 13, Colorado State 7 - Ahh yes, TCU the only local team with some gusto. I know they are more than 6 points better than Colorado State, so I hope they were just looking foward to this weeks Sunday night bru haha vs. BYU. Frogs vs. Mormons, you can cut the Hate with a butter knife.

Tony Romo's finger is broken!!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN!!!

Was it from a sack?


Was it getting kicked in the finger?


Too much Guitar Hero?


No!

It was....




THE IRON KEGELS OF DOOM!!




How to fix the Dallas secondary....


The red part is the defense. It's bleeding. The offense is blue. It's cold.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing all the Cowboy posts and not mentioning a certain football program from my alma mater. If you think I was scared of jinxing them before, you have no idea now. Not even Dorsey can pull me off sides with his Alabama chatter.

I already addressed the Owens situation, so I wanted to follow up with the Dallas secondary.

Wasn't this group supposed to be the most feared in the league? Newman, Henry, Jones, Jenkins, Scandrick, Hamlin, Williams (HA!), Watkins and Davis?

Let's go through that again:
Newman - Injured. Again.
Henry - I love this guy. The fact you never hear about him or his side of the field should tell you something.
Jones - Might have the iron hand of Der Kommisar Goodell laid down upon him
Jenkins - Rookie
Scandrick - Rookie
Hamlin - Does a fine job as well
Williams - Injured. Can't cover bread with peanut butter and a knife.
Davis - Special Teamer
Watkins - Hurt.

Oh boy.

So how do the Cowboys fix the leaks? Well, one advantage that Dallas has that they really didn't have before is they still have a pass rush. Yes, I said it, they still have a pass rush. Remember when there was no Ware and Ellis? Exactly.

The trade deadline is tomorrow. I say, make a deal.

I'm fully aware of the fact that's much easier said than done, but hear me out.

Newman has proved his an injury risk, and when he did play this year, I believe he was made into someone's bitch. I like Newman, but if he's not 100%, he's a liability. The Pacman move hasn't exactly lit up the way we were all expecting it to, and if Goodell does take action, I say cut your losses and send him to Northwest Highway with whatever you can in singles.

So, who do you give and who do you get?

There are two immediate thoughts that come into my head:

1) Nnamdi Asomugha out of Oakland. I've been out there the past 5 or 6 weeks. This kid is good. Really good. And he's been franchised. I don't think the animated corpse of Al Davis is going to want to franchise this kid AGAIN or pay him the contract it would take to keep him on that sinking ship. Davis has already tied up a stupid amount of bonus money in terrible ideas like Tommy Kelly and Jevon Walker, I just doubt he can afford to keep one of the actually good players he has. Make a deal, send him big names that we have and he'll be happy. Really, I'm not kidding. Davis might be conned into taking Pacman (boy, talk about a good time, DeAngelo Hall and Pacman on the same team!) or the Cowboys can package something. Jerry Jones is Al Davis when Al Davis was a true architect (70's-80's)...see what you can muster.

2) Lito Sheppard out of Philly. Yes, I'm aware that it's more likely to get Champ Bailey than to trade with a division rival in a division that is ungodly competitive right now. Even Peter King thinks this isn't the worst idea. Philly was trying to move Sheppard before, and they pretty much signed his death warrant by bringing in Samuel this offseason. Jerry Jones has pulled off weird shit before, I'm thinking maybe a 11th hour miracle could be put in play.

I don't claim to have the solution, but I know that over the next 6 weeks, the defense is going to have to win games because without Romo, a terrible offensive line, and the special teams acting like swiss cheese, the rest of the team isn't going to do a damn thing to win.

The Curious Case of Terrell Owens

I'm going to start this by updating what I've already written. The Wild Card might be the target this season as it just came down that Romo is out for 4 weeks with a broken finger. Bad news for Cowboy fans. More reason to hate Jessica Simpson and her iron trap kegel muscles.


I'd like this picture if we were happy fans right now...

Terrell Owens. Some people see his name and think of a dude doing sit ups in a drive way. Some think of one of the greatest receivers to play football. Some think he's a walking Orville Redenbacher's commercial. Me? I dunno, I'm probably the second option leaning to the third.

Anyway, if you've seen the past few games (or read box scores and reviews like me) you'll see that Owens hasn't done much. Has he faced lock down corners? Not really. Has he been ignored? Not really. In fact, both Romo and Jerry Jones have said that they are trying to actively get the ball to Owens, quite possibly to the detriment of the rest of the offense.

Now, more than ever with the Romo injury and the hemorrhaging offensive line, T.O. Owens needs to get the ball and needs to make plays. The question is...how?

Innovative routes? Trick plays? The Wildcat formation? Change jersey numbers? Change his last name to Ocho Uno? Jason Witten becoming Antonio Gates?

The curious case is solved not by Owens or Romo/Johnson/Bollinger, but by Patrick Crayton.

If I'm a defensive coordinator and I'm playing the Cowboys, here's my strategy:
- 4 man rush against the week offensive line.
- 2 linebackers rushing the quarterback
- 1 linebacker spying or dropping back to cover the slot/flat
- 1 corner and 1 safety dedicated to Owens
- 1 corner for Crayton
- 1 safety playing zone or robber, if not blitzing

(See? Even my alcoholic brain managed to figure out the Dallas offense...)

The Cowboy offensive line has proven they can't stop a wet sneeze, so the extra combo of Witten or Curtis with a running back have to stay in to help protect the pocket. That leaves the two receivers on the outside. I can dedicate double coverage to shut down Owens, a guy you can bump off his route and he won't recover before my rush gets to the quarterback.

What about Crayton?

No one. I repeat, no one is afraid of Patrick Crayton. The Cowboy offense is not built around having two receivers. It's Owens, a check down to Witten and then a check to the flat. You remove everyone else and go man on Crayton, you'll stop him more than you'll get burnt.

Patrick Crayton has to instill the fear of God in defensive coordinators so they are kept honest and must open the coverage off of Owens to cover Crayton or decrease the rush, thus giving Romo the time he needs for Owens to free himself off the bump.

Think about Arizona, a bonefied two receiver offense. Boldin's out, but the Cowboys can't pull coverage off of "receiver two" and put it on Fitzgerald. Steve Breaston has the best game since his Wolverine days. Why? The offense is catered around both Boldin and Fitzgerald. Just because Boldin isn't there, doesn't mean the Cowboys could ignore him, so Warner has a wide open Fitzgerald to throw to, and Breaston breaks coverage if the Cowboys try and play off him to get Fitzgerald. Now you've got two first options, your check down to Pope and then the check to the flat. The two receiver offense at work.

Patrick Crayton must destroy other defenses CONSECUTIVELY and prove things to three people:
1) to Jason Garrett that he has a second/first option to build into the playbook
2) to Tony Romo that there is another option to look at prior to checking down to Witten
3) to Defensive Coordinators that they must fully respect Dallas's two receiver set and they can't commit to a 8 man rush AND a double up on Owens.

Once Crayton (or another legit number 2...) becomes that "fear of God" threat, then you'll really see Terrell Owens have the break out he needs.