Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Wingman - An Essay by Big, Part 2

Part Two of Three "Types"

The wing man is a strange mix of want, natural ability, and attitude. There are several reasons for a wing man to come into play. The most often use for the Wing, is simply to get laid, but the a true wing man isn't there only to help his buddy in his sexual conquest. A true wing man is there for any number of reasons. It may be to find a "date able" girl, or to weed out the "crazy chicks" from the not so, or simply to get some muff that night.

The wing man serves as a strong, and sometimes final buffer, between the girl and guy. With this responsibility in mind, there are several different kinds of wing men out there, and they all serve a purpose. One last note before the list, some of this types can be "acted" or "played" on a given night, but some can't, so go with what is best fit for you, and what come natural.

Non-Threatening Buddy - Best used to find Girlfriends, not just hit it and quit it girls. This is the guy that I fall into most often and think I have really nailed it. The best way that this one can be described is your best friend. I'm talking true, from 1st grade best friend. As a guy, you already know this guy and know that he won't try and perch your lady friend. From the ladies perspective, it shows he has good friends, who are funny and are just there to have a good time. The key to almost all wing man activities is to make the girl feel comfortable, and this guy does it so well, the next date that she goes on with your boy, she might even drop your name to see if you want to come too, and she almost always brings friends. It really is a win in. Now you can get in trouble using this type of wing man, if your buddy is just looking to shag. If that happens and your buddy fucks her and then never calls, that girl will not only think your buddy's a dick, but that you are one as well for not warning her, and kiss her and every chick she knows goodbye.

Penis With Eyes - This one might be the funnest to play, and its good for getting liberal, strong women, or hippies, really any girl who thinks guys are just dicks with eyes, hence the name. This one simply boles down to you, the wing man, acting like a complete dick hole to women, and to her, while your buddy plays the nice guy and scalds you. This is often referred too as the Good Cop, Bad Cop routine, but if you want to do it well, its not quite that simple. For example if your buddy just walks up to the girl and says something like "Hey broad, nice tits," and you jump in with "hey man, that's not nice," not only does it sound like your doing a line from Back to the Future, but it won't ever work either, she will see right through it(unless she is super fucking dumb). Remember this one is about subtlety.

Let the conversation go on for awhile, just sipping your drink and nodding along. Wait for a subject that you can through out a very extreme opinion about sex, and make it degrading to women, but not blatantly offensive, and have your buddy give the counterpoint. Here is an example.

This really happened to me, and at first I didn't know my buddy was helping me out, he was just being himself for the most part, but he really laid on thick the idea that men are made to spread their seed with as many women as they can. The girls we were with were put off to say the lest, and I think I said something along the lines of "your dick is made to spread seed, but your mind is made to find the one you want to always be with." Sounds kinda cheesy, but dammit if I didn't get some great sex that night.

Uber Gay Man - Now, if wing men were like football teams, the Uber Gay Man would be the 85 bears. Its so damn good, yet it only comes around once a lifetime. Unlike the first two above, this one can't be acted or played, you have to actually be an uber gay man, or a know one that its cool with you. This one works on just about all women, but ultraconservative types. Its simple; women love gay men. And the brighter the flame the better. If you have a gay friend that can push you to some single ladies, your in like Flin.

Quanty Controll - This guy is not the best, and this one is more for the fun of it than the effectiveness of it. This type of wing man is the guy who walks up to just about every decently attractive girl, and asks if they know the guy in the blue shirt. No? Let me introduce you. Something along those lines. I personally prefer the "high five guy." "excuse me ladies, can you go give me friend a high five? He's had a tough day." Works almost never, but is fun as fuck to do to your buddy.

Mr. Big Time - Mr Big Time is the baller wing man. He is guy who is drinking Patron, or Scotch, and almost "bankrolls" the buddy. He is the one that makes sure the girl gets plenty of booze in her system, brings you both to VIP if there is one, or even orders a bottle and says things like "you guys have fun." Now this wing man can come back to bite you, if the girl is money hungry biznach, she will dump anybody for the baller. I don't like this one, except for, you know, the free drinks.

The Suicide - When people think of "wing man" this what most people think of. Its no mystery that when you try and pick out a girl from another group of girls, if you don't make the mother hen happy, you won't even get past "Hi, How you doing?" Don't get it twisted, there is always a mother hen. But, despite what most people think, it's rarely the big girl. Most of the time it's easy to tell who the hen is if you just watch for a bit. She's the one the different kind of drink, or with the big hat, standing with her hand on her hip. Ding Ding Ding, here comes the Suicide.

Its not his job to really take one for the team, per say, but its more along the lines of making sure the Mother Hen is having fun. The situation differs on what the Mother Hen wants, and its usually not sex. The best I've ever seen this done is a friend of mine walked to a group of girls and just started making fun of the Hen, she bowed up, he backed down, bought her drink to say I'm sorry, and they sat at the bar all night making fun of people that walked by. It was Fantastic.

These are just a few of the types of Wing Men. I encourage you to let me know if you have another type to add to the fold, that works or just as importantly, doesn't work. Remember this is a guy code "freshen up" course. More tommorrow.

A Reason to cheer for LA

Yea, LA won last night, I still have Boston in 6. But here is a good reason to cheer for LA.

Jack is still the coolest guy on planet earth.

Brown has a dream

I'm not shitting you when I say that I just woke up in my hotel room with a vision and inspiration.

Let me just lay this on you...The Big and The Brown on The Television.

Yeah, don't point out the irony that we don't even post on this place as regularly as we should, but just work with me. I was sleeping 1 minute ago.

I want to know a simple question: would you watch it?

I'm not talking YouTube, I'm talking local Dallas public access television. Why not YouTube? Frankly, the fucking concept of YouTube scares the crap out of me. No sir, I don't like it. I'm talking "Wayne's World".

Weekly show. Out of my garage. The same stupid crap that you read here, only on the television.

By the way, my dream even involved us reviewing a band called "The Shitty Beatles". Creepy.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Just dropping a line

As Big pointed out, I'm traveling like a champ for work and don't have time to post a lot (if anything).

Because of that, I want you all to sit and think about something and it will remind you of me when you're lonely:

Does Bindi Irwin's mother allow her to cheer for Tampa Bay's baseball team?

I love you all.

The Wing Man. A Three Part essay by Big

TB&TB are truly sorry for the lack of post recently. Brown is out of town for the entire month, and I have been swamped at work, life, and the general easing off of sports that come this time of year for me. I'm not a big Baseball guy, and I'm watching the Finals, but lets be honest, you don't really care what I have to say about Boston. With this in mind I am starting a three part essay about something I have recently witnessed. I do hope you enjoy.

Part One - The Intro.

I like taco's. All kinds. Regular, bean, rice, cheese, fish, and the like. I like to eat them, look at them, think about them, and most of all, if its the kind found on a women, kick them.

The other night I was out with a friend and he brought some girl that he was friends with. I asked if he was trying to hook up with this girl, and while his response was "no we're just friends," i knew that was code for she won't let me hit it. So as the night grew on, we had a nice time and i could see that me and the chick were hitting it off, maybe not in the way where she would take me home, but in at least in the way that if I saw here again walking down the street, she would stop and say whats up.

My friend and her were hitting it off pretty good too, so I followed rule number 2, and number 5 of the guy code, to be explained later, and tyred to help him out and get the girl to go home with him.

Now, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but needless to say the next morning I got a text that read "bone city, population 2." I giggled and felt proud that I was, in just a small way, the reason for my buddy getting not only a hot chick, but a cool ass chick as well in the sack.

Most of the time this is how this goes down. Friends bring ladies around me and for probably 2 reasons; I'm a nice, funny, and well read (kinda) person that "looks good" as a friend, aka I'm a resume bullet point, and 2, I'm a bigger guy that, while still a bad ass, doesn't strike the fear of girl stealing into most guys. Now that they are around me, I'm funny, I'm goofy, and I make my friend look both good, and knock him down so she thinks of him as just a regular guy, with cool friends. It's what a wing man does.

I really thought is was all common knowledge. I thought all guys live by the code that is guy code, and they follow the "way of wingman" section in it like I do. It's not really even a choice for me, its just how I am. That said I have stared to notice a few of my friends that I guess skipped the "way of the wingman" part of the guy code. So that's what this eassy is about.