Saturday, February 28, 2009

My, this is some fantastic tasting sugar water


Damn it, wrong Texas Ranger

The Musers had Tom Hicks on the other day from Surprise to talk about how Rangers spring training is going, and, well, I fell for it again.

I've drank the kool-aid after a few days, I think the Rangers are going to put shit together this year. Yes, after swearing I'd never come back and I'd mock and ridicule this team starting now, I'm right back to where I am every year...a believer.

I believe that Mike Young is going to increase his range and become a fantastic 3rd baseman for this team.

I believe that Elvis Andrus is going to seriously contend for rookie of the year.

I think Teagarden is ready to step up and dominate the catcher's position this year and be the backstop and throw-out guy we need.

I think the outfield is familiar enough with themselves to be able to play the way they need to play to win.

I think Max Damage's bat is going to pop more this year than last.

I expect big things from Marlon Byrd and Chris Davis.

And the pitchers? You'd better believe that Mike Maddux is the best acquisition this team made all winter. Combining him, Nolan Ryan's mentality and all the young pitching talent this team has is going to be the push the Rangers need to get over the hump and get the god damned pitching monkey off this city's back.

Watch out Major League Baseball...the Texas Rangers are coming for their glass slipper.

I hate to admit it, but it's true


My reaction these days...

I can't watch college basketball anymore, and the weird part is, I really don't know why. I used to watch college basketball, pretty religiously in fact. I could name off RPI's and bubble teams and who I thought could legitimately contend in the tournment.

See, last weekend Big and I got into a debate with one of our friends over who was the class of the Big XII. Immediately our argument was that Kansas was the top of the pop, and everyone else was trying to live up to Kansas. The other guy's argument? Kansas was now sharing the upper echelon with Texas and Oklahoma. Let's recap: I was saying that Texas wasn't that good.

That's when it dawned on me. I haven't really paid much attention at all to college basketball to make that argument. Sure, I had history on my side for the basic concepts, but now a days, I could really care less.

Are the games any less compelling then they were before? I can't say for sure, but I doubt it.

Are the players and teams less sexy than before? Maybe. I mean, you hear about a real rock star player and you realize that if he's THAT good, then he's going to be a pro the next year anyway, so why bother? Anyone who's staying in school is bound to be the next Redick, Laettner or Dunleavy Jr. and just kind of "meh" you to death.

I tried to sit down the other day and just veg out and watch a Saturday's worth of college basketball. You know what I ended up doing instead? Cleaning my house. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when I'd rather Swiffer then watch basketball.

I could watch the Kings play the Thunder if it's on, but I have trouble paying attention to Pitt and Georgetown face off. What bothers me is, I couldn't tell you why.

Sometimes you've got to realize she ain't interested


Desperate much?

You know how when you go up to a girl at a bar and you might say hello or make some intial greeting and you get rebuffed?

Most of the time, you might walk away and find another target. However, other times you try a different route to break the ice and offer to buy her a drink. If she says yes, then you're in for a conversation, at the least, or maybe she wants a free drink, but at least she's given you a chance.

But if she says no to the drink, you pretty much get the point, right? RIGHT?

Nope, some guys don't get that point, they ask one more time, only this time they pretty much jump the point and offer her diamonds.

Does it really happen? No, but I'm pretty sure that's what the Dodgers have just done to Manny Ramirez, and HE STILL SAID NO!

There's no way Manny returns to LA, right? Boras has burned that bridge with Colletti for rejecting 3 ginormous offers.

What did he just turn down?

2 years, $45 Million, guaranteed.

TURNED IT THE FUCK DOWN! What the hell is going on here? What does Scott Boras know that no one else does? Does he have pictures of Frank McCourt fucking 12 year old Thai boys?

Either Scott Boras and Manny have balls the size of grapefruits and this game of chicken is going to net Manny the ability to buy Costa Rica for himself, or he's gonna wish he said yes to this deal.

I wonder how the rest of America feels with losing their jobs and seeing his son of a bitch turn down $45 Million to play baseball for a living and live in Los Angeles. Cry me a fucking river.

What's wrong with Wade's face?


Wade's Idol?

I must have missed the memo here, but when did Dwayne Dwyane Wade turn into Nelly? If you haven't been paying attention the past few weeks since All-Star Weekend, Dallas's favorite foul getting ass hat has been sporting a band-aid on his face to cover some stitches he got about 6 weeks ago.

Only problem is, it isn't the typical Johnson & Johnson band-aids, they've turned into a god damned fashion statement.

Things like his last name, the American flag, his nickname (Flash) have all shown up on Dwyane's face. The association has asked him to remove it because it's not part of the uniform and can be "gang affiliated" or some other thing that David Stern is doing to steer away from a "ghetto image".

These guys are multi-millionaires. I've seen Nip/Tuck. Don't tell me that shit can't be healed in less than 6 weeks.

I've gotten stitches before, and I'm not a fair skinned guy, they blend well. Stop your ass holery, and just play basketball.

NFL Free Agency already makes no sense



I'd make fun of him, but Cowboys fans aren't much better


So, NFL free agency started a day or so ago, and already there have been some things that have made me stop what I'm doing to blink a few times and wonder why people that aren't me get to be NFL general managers.

I think the case we're all looking at is the Cowboys's favorite rival in our nation's capitol, the Washington Redskins.

7 years, $100 Million for Albert Haynesworth
6 years, $54 Million for DeAngelo Hall
5 years, $26 Million for Derrick Dockery

Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato are the only two people on the planet that make Jerry Jones look like fucking Ron Wolf. Who are we kidding? Albert Haynesworth? This is Dana Stubblefield 2.0! DeAngelo Hall? The guy got kicked out of Oakland. OAKLAND! Derrick Dockery? I didn't like that guy when he was at Texas, and he underwhelemed a tortured fan base in Buffalo for a few years already.

Look, part of me is happy that Washington is going to be the paper champs again and die a slow slow death at the bottom of the division again, but you gotta be kidding me that people are going to keep putting up with Dan Snyder's dipshittery. Has he made a good acquisition in the past forever? I mean the best move this guy ever made? Sean Taylor, and he's dead.

If you ever scratch your head and wonder what the hell Jerry Jones is doing, never fear, Dan Snyder is always there to make you feel better.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

He's baaa-aack


Scariest sight on the tour? Scariest sight on the tour.

Yes, I get it, we haven't been posting much as of late. Last I checked, we aren't getting paid to do this (unless you all start clicking on those ads like crazy), and we are getting paid to do our respective jobs. Also, Big gave up the internet for lent, so I pretty much get to run this joint for 6 weeks...

There's any number of things I could focus on for this post, and I really don't feel like doing the quick hit bit, as I tend to do that too much. So, let's talk about what everyone else is talking about today, the return of ETW.

That's right, folks, golf's messiah has returned. If you, for some retarded reason or another, didn't know, Tiger Woods has been out of commission for 9 months. He was playing on a torn ACL and had to get it repaired, so he decided to do that and make a baby.

Doesn't matter, he's back now, and I have a feeling that the following people are going to comprise the gallery at the Accenture today: any and every golfer in the club house, NBC executives, CBS executives, ESPN executives, Golf Channel executives, Nike executives, Gillette executives, and Pepsi executives (Gatorade). Oh yeah, maybe a few golf fans as well.

Personally, I can't be happier about this. I worship at the altar of Tiger because I'm not a hater like those who have to "live on the next best thing" edge are. (Sorry your band never made it, but that doesn't mean bands and artists that do make it automatically suck.) Tiger returning to the tour means more than just the best player coming back, it means golf coming back to the sports viewing forefront. It's a fact that no Tiger meant no viewers.

That doesn't even touch on what this means about Tiger. If stories were correct, Tiger had that knee issue for almost 10 years, and just played through it. Exactly, 10 years on a BAD knee and he did what he did. Now? He's at 100%, he's got two kids one to own the LPGA and one to take his spot in 20 years, and he's probably more focused than he's ever been to remind the world who Tiger Motherfucking Woods is.

I fully expect rookies to physically cry when they are paired with him on opening days. I expect other golfers who might have had bad blood to immediately try and make amends (Phil, Sergio, Rocco, Faldo). I also expect the Grand Slam to occur. I wouldn't be surprised to see a "Devil Went Down to Georgia" type challenge between Satan and Tiger for a solid gold putter.

Oh, in a lovely twist of Jesus, get this...Tiger's first day back? Beginning of Lent. The final day of the Masters? Easter Sunday. He's back and he's coming...is the world ready?

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Second Turnbuckle: El Blogador comes out of hiding

Inspired by the idea of finally getting to Wrestlemania and watching the Oscars I've decided to contribute to the blog. No big opening number, I won't sing or dance like Wolverine. I'm going to maintain the mystique behind El Blogador.

Firstly, Best Cameo by a Wrestler in a Filim.

Nominees are:

Bam Bam Bigelow-Major Payne
Kimberly Page-40 Year Old Virgin (Speed Dating wardrobe malfunction)
Big Show-Jingle All The Way
Great Khali-The Longest Yard

And the winner is....

Paul "The Big Show" Wight. He was the very large Santa when Arnold gets jumped by all the shady Santas. This was chosen over his role as Captain Insano in "The Waterboy" because that was a role as a wrestler.

Our second category is Best Performance by a Wrestler in a Supporting Role.

The nominees are:

Kevin Nash-The Longest Yard
Terry Funk- Roadhouse
Hulk Hogan-Rocky III
Andre the Giant-Princess Bride
Jesse "The Body" Ventura- Predator

And the Winner is....

Kevin Nash in the The Longest Yard. All of these performances have merit, but Nash's is by far the one that stood out the most and contributed the most. Andre is a very close second simply because of the greatness of the movie. Third was Hogan in Rocky III. Thunderlips was a major character and was done well, but it's Hogan playing a wrestler so not much of a stretch. Ventura and Funk round out the bottom. Ventura didn't play much of a role after he had a giant hole blown in him and Funk only got the nomination because it was Roadhouse. Side note: these two played roles in the very underated "The Ringer".

Best Wrestler in a Leading Role in a Movie that was in Theaters More than a Month or Did Not Go Straight to Video.

The nominees are:

Hulk Hogan- Suburban Commando
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin- The Condemned
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson- Gridiron Gang
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper- They Live
John Cena- The Marine

And the winner is.....

Dwayne Johnson in Gridiron Gang. In his first non-action leading role Johnson plays beyond expectations and shows he can do more than action. Yes, he was good in Walking Tall and Rundown, but this is his first true role where he lead and had to act. Second is Piper in They Live which is a cult classic. Suburban Commando was a good role for Hogan, but without the great Christopher Lloyd, Hogan struggles. Cena and Austin make valiant efforts, but have not quite matured into actors.

The next few categories are exclusive to these awards.

Best Actor in a Villian Role

Jesse "The Body" Ventura-The Running Man
Triple H-Blade:Trinity
Kevin Nash-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze
Kane-See No Evil

And the winner is....

Jesse Ventura in The Running Man. Captain Freedom was the best villian in this Arnold classic. He outshined the great actor Jim Brown as Fireball and Brown was in "I'm Gonna Get you Sucka" and "Mars Attacks" The rest didn't really act, Kane was just Kane in the real world if Kane was real (don't try to make sense of that). Triple H was a really big vampire. And Nash was just Super Shredder.

Best Wrestling movie that was not recognized by The Academy (So no "The Wrestler" or "Beyond the Mat"

The nominees are:

Ready to Rumble
No Holds Barred

and the winner is....

This award will have to be awarded another time.

They are both horrible movies. "Ready to Rumble" even won a Razzie. I guess when we revisit this subject we'll have to give it to "The Wrestler".