Friday, January 14, 2011

Verizon getting the iPhone will make AT&T’s network better.

Are people going to wait outside stores in this weather?

Everyone is thrilled that Verizon is getting the iPhone.  Why? The universal answer leans towards “AT&T’s network sucks”.  The minority are Verizon people who’ve been stuck with crap that would just like a nice phone to have.

I have a theory about this.  AT&T’s network sucks because it’s the only one with the iPhone.  I can’t back up this theory because I don’t know shit about the technology.  So, if you’re a technophile or you’re Bear and have access to Wikipedia, then by all means, correct me in the comments.

No one who has an iPhone actually uses it for telephone calls.  They use it for texts, for internet browsing, for Twitter, for Facebook, for apps, for whatever, but rarely for phone calls.  By the way, that goes for all phones, but this is iPhone related…we don’t talk anymore, we text. (I have an iPhone for work, and though I don’t use it, it’s a nice phone and I can see why so many people like it…not those “Apple or Die” hipsters, but regular people.)

Anyhow, I digress. The theory is that you’re on the AT&T 3G network, and that network is 10 kinds of clogged up with people on data transmissions, then naturally, it is going to elbow out the voice bandwidth.  Hence, dropped calls. 

I’ve been an AT&T customer since cell phones became commonplace (I think I got my first “regular use” cell phone in 2004. I had a cell phone before then, but that’s when monthly plans only gave you like 30 minutes a month and I only used that to call my parents and my then-girlfriend.).  I actually haven’t had any of the problems that everyone else seems to have (sitting strong on the EDGE network).  I don’t seem to notice dropped calls or anything like that, so when people swear a blood oath against AT&T, I (hypocritically) think, “what’s this person so angry about? it’s a cell phone.” 

Anyway, given my network theory.  The people using the iPhone hate the network that is clogged due to iPhone use.  It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions.  So, when these people who HAVE TO HAVE an iPhone, but have sworn a blood oath to overthrow AT&T are going to switch over to Verizon, then the AT&T network is going to clear up,right?   When that happens, then maybe the networks are going to be easier and the calls won’t be dropped. When that happens, then maybe people won’t be so angry about their cell phones anymore.  And when that happens?  Peace in the Middle East!

Jeez, what’s the deal with people being so angry all the time? Can’t we just grab a guitar, have a drink, smoke a joint and hug each other?  Anyway, I hope Verizon is ready for the onslaught of people and data.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

G.R.O.S.S. Fight Club

This is the greatest video of all time, I know because I read Calvin and Hobbs as a kid so I can say that and you can't get mad at me if you disagree.

H/T : GorillaMask

Being “retired” means I get to be an analyst, right?

More or less, me

When sports players retire, inevitably we see them crop up in ESPN or Fox booths and studios as analysts.   In some cases, its almost literally the next day.  I’d like to think that after a man gets married, he is “retiring” from the game and with that in mind, he gets to enter the booth/studio and become an analyst.  Instead of having to study defenses on the field and know how to break through and score (god damn I love this metaphor), now I get to sit on my high horse, looking down on the field and saying “hmm, should’ve done that” with a smarmy attitude (if that’s a Madden ranking, I’m a solid 99).

With that being said, I’m retired and I’d like to sit in the studio.  I’m not going to claim I was a HOF guy or even anyone who merits mention.  I’d say I’m more like Sean Salisbury. I played the game, and then I retired. Now I spend my day analyzing things, eating hot wings and sending pictures of my dong to my wife.  Hi, babe!

So, here’s what I’ve noticed from the booth:


You understand that fashion means nothing to straight men, right?  I’m not saying walk around in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.(though you tend to think that’s okay to do for some fucking reason. Seriously, have we fucking degraded so much as a society that it’s acceptable for people to walk around in pajama pants and a god damned sweatshirt?  Don’t give me the “its comfortable” excuse because that’s bullshit.  There’s a difference between your house and public.  Put some jeans on.)  What I’m saying is that the shit you see designed by some queen on Project Runway makes you look stupid, not sexy.  Here’s some tips:

  • Boobs are great. We love them.  If you’re going to show them, don’t get offended.  If you’re fat, we don’t want to see your boobs because your cleavage and your knee fat look identical.
  • Wear what fits.  This means that if you’ve got a belly like mine, form-fitting clothing doesn’t work.  If you’ve got stumpy legs, perhaps leggings shouldn’t be your option.  If you’ve got a flat stomach and rocking tits, avoid the fleece pullover.
  • Makeup and jewelry, less is more.  The worst thing on the planet is when a women looks like she shoved a firecracker up a parrot’s ass, closed her eyes and accepted what happens next as her make up.   You shouldn’t have to “put on your face”.  The difference between you with and without makeup shouldn’t be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  As for jewelry?  Well, I pity the fool who fucks Mr. T’s mom. 


Wow, we’ve gotten quite awesome haven’t we?  We go to the gym, we dress “fresh to death” in our screen printed t-shirts (Ed Hardy to douche, irony to hipster!), and we spend a lot of time grooming our facial hair.  (Beards?  Really?  Beards are in?  I get being lazy and just not wanting to shave, but if you’re spending an hour trimming a beard and making sure lines are straight, just cut your throat and do the world a favor.)   By the way, when did it become acceptable to not actually talk to a woman and instead use Facebook, Twitter and texting to flirt?  (See how I play my studio analyst role? That’s what I used to do and how I met my wife, now I say it’s stupid!! GO ME!)   Jesus, just grow some balls, walk up to a girl and say “hi, my name is Brown, what’s yours? Can I buy you a drink?”  What’s the worst that can happen?  She is going to stand up and say “hey everyone! this little dick loser just asked me for my name and to buy me a drink.  what a fag!” ?  I doubt it.  She says no, and you move on.  (STUDIO ANALYSIS!!!)

  • Skinny jeans were made for women.  You are a man.  Don’t wear clothing made for women.
  • Facial hair.  I appreciate a solid beard or mustache that says “I’m too lazy to shave and I don’t care” or “I’m a Canadian lumberjack” or “I’m comic, Kyle Kinane”.  But actively spending time in the mirror trimming your face?  Come on.
  • V-Necks are for folks who don’t need an undershirt peeking out of a shirt or for sweaters. Men shouldn’t have cleavage.
  • Jewelry. Just because the Situation stole shit from Madonna’s Vogue video, doesn’t mean you need to wear a Jesus piece to rival Lil Wayne. Unless you’ve got a hot new album dropping tomorrow and the studio gave you an advance to hang a diamond plated midget from your necklace, tuck that behind your shirt.   You also graduated 10 years ago.  I think you can safely put away your school ring now.

Again, I’m a studio analyst, so I have complete license to make these calls and you’re not allowed to question anything I say.  I played the game, man.  I know how it goes.  America, nay the WORLD, wants to hear my thoughts and opinions because mine matter. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

We’ll protect everyone’s voice…except Conservatives

You’ll find none here.

Look, I’m not looking to start a political war here.  My political beliefs are about as moderate and down the middle as it gets.  On some things I’m all the way right, on others I’m all the way left.  What I’d like to think is that I apply logic and thought to each of the topics and develop my OWN opinion rather than just listen to Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, John Stewart or Rush and take it as the gospel.

However, given the tragedy in Arizona, I noticed something coming from the squawking heads on the left.  (When I say that, I don’t just mean Olbermann and Maddow, I’m mean comics, celebrities, hippies, Gawker, you name it) was that they immediately started blaming the tea party, conservatives, Rush and Sarah Palin. 


Aren’t these the same people who beg and plead with conservatives NOT to blanket blame of Islam and Muslims for 9/11 and other terrorist attacks?  Why is it okay for one side to blame a group of people for a tragedy and then scold that group for blaming someone else?  I’m not equating the Arizona tragedy with 9/11, so don’t jump to that conclusion.  What I’m saying is, when did it become okay for you to blame one set of thoughts, but scold others for blaming a set of thoughts? 

Can’t we all agree that this dude was just bat shit insane?  I’m not calling for gun control to change.  I’m not saying that a map of “targeted constituencies” goaded someone to actually target a constituency.  I’m not even blaming a failing health care system for not catching a crazy person.  All I’m saying is, this Loughner kid was crazy.  Period.  There isn’t a political spin to it. 

So, even for you non-politcos out there, don’t take this tragedy and start assigning blame because you feel like you need a logical reason for why things happen.  Shit happens and it happens without a reason or justification.  That’s life.  We should mourn those who were killed.  We should ask ourselves what can we do better to help prevent bad things from happening.  We should also take a moment to be rational and apply thought when things happens that we can’t imagine.

FYI, no post tomorrow morning as I’m out of town on business.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Is Garrett the right man for the job?

Patience, my young padowan

We’ll see, I guess.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or too busy watching Glee to take, you’ve seen that Jason “Garrett-Top” Garrett is officially the new Cowboys coach.  Based on him taking a 1-7, listless team and turning them into a competitive 5-3 team, he got the job and an unexpected vocal confirmation that he’ll have final control over coaches and players.

Only 2 men have had that type of control under Jerrah, Jimmy and Parcells.   What does that mean for Garrett?

Who knows? 

Jimmy coached in a time without free agency and salary caps (don’t quote me on the second part, it does make me look smart though).   He put together a team rife with talent, made big trades and operated without interjection from a novice Jerry Jones.  For all intents and purposes, Jimmy took this franchise and brought it into the modern era.  If Landry was #1 in the Cowboy coaching books, for our generation of Cowboys fans, Jimmy is 1A.  

Parcells came in on his white horse amid Gaily and Campo.  He took a lazy, underachieving team that Jerry had mutated, and brought them back to norm.  He didn’t win playoff games or a Super Bowl, but he took the Cowboys from joke to back in the discussion.  Like with Jimmy, Jerry ceded control to Parcells.  Parcells, however, brought in the old guard (Pepper Johnson, Mo Carthon, etc.) and tried to re-create the magic he had in New York and New England.  He had the right philosophy, but the wrong execution.

Whitlock nailed it on the head when he described Peyton Manning over-thinking and over-doing. He said that the greatest quarterbacks of their time had a coach that was cerebral enough to think for them and allow the players to execute on the field.  To quote him, “Joe Montana had Bill Walsh. Tom Brady has Bill Belichick. Terry Bradshaw had Chuck Noll. John Elway had Mike Shanahan. Troy Aikman had Jimmy Johnson. Bart Starr had Vince Lombardi.”  The NFL is a quarterbacks league, and if Tony Romo is the next Staubach/Aikman (great QB, rings) instead of the next Meredith/White (great QB, no ring), then he must have his Yoda.

Can Jason Garrett be that Yoda?  He says he’s sat with Jimmy and Troy to learn from them.  Forget the Princeton education, does he have the sideline education?  He spent more than enough time behind Jimmy and Norv with a clipboard.  What has he gleaned?  Will he over-think it or will he be Tony Romo’s brain for him?   Jason Garrett’s job is to hire the assistant coaches around him to handle the player squads around him. His focus should be on synching his quarterback’s brain with his own and letting Romo do it on the field.