Thursday, January 13, 2011

Being “retired” means I get to be an analyst, right?

More or less, me

When sports players retire, inevitably we see them crop up in ESPN or Fox booths and studios as analysts.   In some cases, its almost literally the next day.  I’d like to think that after a man gets married, he is “retiring” from the game and with that in mind, he gets to enter the booth/studio and become an analyst.  Instead of having to study defenses on the field and know how to break through and score (god damn I love this metaphor), now I get to sit on my high horse, looking down on the field and saying “hmm, should’ve done that” with a smarmy attitude (if that’s a Madden ranking, I’m a solid 99).

With that being said, I’m retired and I’d like to sit in the studio.  I’m not going to claim I was a HOF guy or even anyone who merits mention.  I’d say I’m more like Sean Salisbury. I played the game, and then I retired. Now I spend my day analyzing things, eating hot wings and sending pictures of my dong to my wife.  Hi, babe!

So, here’s what I’ve noticed from the booth:

Women

You understand that fashion means nothing to straight men, right?  I’m not saying walk around in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.(though you tend to think that’s okay to do for some fucking reason. Seriously, have we fucking degraded so much as a society that it’s acceptable for people to walk around in pajama pants and a god damned sweatshirt?  Don’t give me the “its comfortable” excuse because that’s bullshit.  There’s a difference between your house and public.  Put some jeans on.)  What I’m saying is that the shit you see designed by some queen on Project Runway makes you look stupid, not sexy.  Here’s some tips:

  • Boobs are great. We love them.  If you’re going to show them, don’t get offended.  If you’re fat, we don’t want to see your boobs because your cleavage and your knee fat look identical.
  • Wear what fits.  This means that if you’ve got a belly like mine, form-fitting clothing doesn’t work.  If you’ve got stumpy legs, perhaps leggings shouldn’t be your option.  If you’ve got a flat stomach and rocking tits, avoid the fleece pullover.
  • Makeup and jewelry, less is more.  The worst thing on the planet is when a women looks like she shoved a firecracker up a parrot’s ass, closed her eyes and accepted what happens next as her make up.   You shouldn’t have to “put on your face”.  The difference between you with and without makeup shouldn’t be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  As for jewelry?  Well, I pity the fool who fucks Mr. T’s mom. 

Men

Wow, we’ve gotten quite awesome haven’t we?  We go to the gym, we dress “fresh to death” in our screen printed t-shirts (Ed Hardy to douche, irony to hipster!), and we spend a lot of time grooming our facial hair.  (Beards?  Really?  Beards are in?  I get being lazy and just not wanting to shave, but if you’re spending an hour trimming a beard and making sure lines are straight, just cut your throat and do the world a favor.)   By the way, when did it become acceptable to not actually talk to a woman and instead use Facebook, Twitter and texting to flirt?  (See how I play my studio analyst role? That’s what I used to do and how I met my wife, now I say it’s stupid!! GO ME!)   Jesus, just grow some balls, walk up to a girl and say “hi, my name is Brown, what’s yours? Can I buy you a drink?”  What’s the worst that can happen?  She is going to stand up and say “hey everyone! this little dick loser just asked me for my name and to buy me a drink.  what a fag!” ?  I doubt it.  She says no, and you move on.  (STUDIO ANALYSIS!!!)

  • Skinny jeans were made for women.  You are a man.  Don’t wear clothing made for women.
  • Facial hair.  I appreciate a solid beard or mustache that says “I’m too lazy to shave and I don’t care” or “I’m a Canadian lumberjack” or “I’m comic, Kyle Kinane”.  But actively spending time in the mirror trimming your face?  Come on.
  • V-Necks are for folks who don’t need an undershirt peeking out of a shirt or for sweaters. Men shouldn’t have cleavage.
  • Jewelry. Just because the Situation stole shit from Madonna’s Vogue video, doesn’t mean you need to wear a Jesus piece to rival Lil Wayne. Unless you’ve got a hot new album dropping tomorrow and the studio gave you an advance to hang a diamond plated midget from your necklace, tuck that behind your shirt.   You also graduated 10 years ago.  I think you can safely put away your school ring now.

Again, I’m a studio analyst, so I have complete license to make these calls and you’re not allowed to question anything I say.  I played the game, man.  I know how it goes.  America, nay the WORLD, wants to hear my thoughts and opinions because mine matter. 

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