Friday, January 7, 2011

Man, does this guy just hate everything?

Bitches.

I tend to get that question asked a lot of me, and the answer is, mostly.   I do like things, my wife, my dog, sandwiches, Star Crunch, lamp…but let’s be honest, you don’t want to read about that.  Hell, even Big calls me out on it now and then.

There’s nothing entertaining about being happy. Admit it, if this blog was chock full of me saying things like: “you know what’s great?  Being in love.”  You’d vomit all over your computer, come find me and give me a wedgie.  Then you’d think that this was one of the most un-entertaining blogs on the internet (you might already think that…check that, you do think that based on our page views.)  

When’s the last time you heard a comic on-stage say “I love puppies. And hugs are great too.”?  You haven’t, because it isn’t funny and it doesn’t really get you laughing.  Most people laugh at people bitching about stuff because its most likely things you also are annoyed by and can appreciate people cracking jokes at it. 

If you think I’m being negative or hypercritical, its because I know that those are the kind things that people actually find somewhat comical.  I could rip off posts about how great my wife is or things my dog does that make me smile, but it might be quite the geigh post, no?   

So, we’ll try and pepper in a few positive posts and more comedy-driven posts like Big’s “explain a rap song” or caption contests, but yes, for the most part, this is going to be a forum for my bitching about things because, god damn it, that’s how you like it.  When Big gets back, we’ll go back to sunshine and daisies, until then, embrace your hate and come to the dark side.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

They grabbed Ricky…how’s about Vince?

Everyone thought that Miami was crazy when they took a flier on a crazy Ricky Williams.  He leaves the Dolphins this year as their most productive running back in franchise history, and a fairly consistent 1000 yard back.

Now, there’s another Texas great, labeled as crazy who’s first team has lost hope.

Come on, new look Miami Dolphins.  How about you pair up Jim Harbaugh with a new quarterback named Vince Young?

If I wasn’t me, I’d probably kick my own ass

Just think of me as Calvin, and Big as Hobbes.

I was listening to the Nerdist podcast yesterday (thank, Big, for that recommendation), and Hardwick was talking to Marc Maron.  One of the things they were talking about made me have a near-epiphany on the treadmill and I want to see if I can replicate what he was talking about.

Maron basically made the comment, and I’m paraphrasing, “being my friend is a tough job, it’s a demanding and draining job.”  I thought about it and said, “yup, I feel ya man.”   Now, that’s not me saying “boo hoo, feel bad for me, I have no friends'”, that’s me admitting that the few people who are my friends probably deserve your pity for their Gandhi-esque tolerance and Jesus-like forgiveness/acceptance.

Whether it’s something I’m doing subconsciously or directly, I know it takes quite a bit of effort to be my friend.  You people read this blog, I pretty much hate everything on the planet that isn’t in my house, I have mood swings like a pregnant bi-polar woman, and I have a temper that makes Sonny Corleone look like a Care Bear. (To my wife, who reads this, you’re stuck to me in a binding contract, no quitsies!  Side note: the wife asked me the other day if she could write something up as Mrs. Brown.  I said she could, but she didn’t believe me.  You all help me convince her.)

I’m not apologizing, and I’m not playing a violin for myself.  I’m actually happy with who I am as a person and I am quite happy with my life.  I’m just saying that, I’m very self-aware of what a dick I can be, and that those handful of people that have been friends with me through think and thin are people who could probably broker a middle eastern peace treaty and cure the world of white trash.  The rest of the people who I’m friends with, most likely are friends with me purely out of association and begrudging acceptance…most likely you’re a friend of one of my friends and you kind of accept me as a package deal.

So, to those people who are my friends, I get it and thank you.  To those of you who maybe don’t list me on your friend, but realize that I’ve emotionally coerced you into hanging out with me, I’ll see you when I see you.  To those of you who stumble on this blog and don’t know me…well, go fuck yourself. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Greatness of Sandwiches

I love sandwiches.  I could eat them for every meal, every day and I think I’d be a happy person.  I know, you’re shocked that I a) like something and b) could be happy.  You can’t be surprised that it’s food related.  It’s simple, no showy and delivers on what it promises. 

Think about it.  The sandwich is the most variable food on the planet, yet it really boils down to some basic ingredients:

Bread.

Main stuffing – meat, cheese, large veggie, salad (chicken, egg, tuna, etc.), etc.

Accessories – lettuce, tomato, pickle, etc.

Dressings – mustard, mayo, ranch dressing, ketchup, etc.

Four basic groups, endless possibilities. I don’t think it’s too much for me to say that if you don’t like sandwiches, you must hate America.

Top 5 sandwiches, in no particular order:

1) Reuben 
2) Turkey & Ham
3) Meatball Sub
4) Tuna on Rye
5) Grilled Cheese

Add yours in the comments.

That’s great, you love God, keep it to yourself.

My goodness, Brown has a sense of humor about himself too!

I fully expect that I’m going to confuse some folks with this topic. Normally, I try and avoid religion as a subject like the plague, but I told you I’m not holding back this year, so let’s just get this out of the way now.

I’d say about 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are of the Christian faith. Some are “hardcore” Christians, some are simply aligning themselves because it’s how they grew up. These are people that range from my wife’s family to my best friends to people in grocery stores. I’ve attended church services before, both Protestant and Catholic. I’ve seen people so touched by what they perceive as God’s message they’ve been reduced to tears, and I’ve seen people out and out reject the concept of God and religion all together.

Here’s the thing, both of those reactions and everything in between are perfectly okay and legit.

This post isn’t me telling people what they can or can’t believe. This post isn’t me making fun of people that believe or admonishing those that don’t. What I’m trying to get across is, no matter what you believe, that’s what YOU believe and it’s not for anyone else to cram their thoughts in your face or for you to do that to them.

I’ve got a couple of close friends that I happen to know are deeply religious people. They attend Church, they tithe, they pray, all of the things that are asked for in their daily lives by their scripture. I respect these guys because they don’t impress on me their beliefs, they don’t evangelize, they don’t go around inserting God and Jesus into every discussion. At the same time, they have no problem standing up and defending those that do. I understand where they are coming from, I really do. People who feel the need to ram religion down your throat happen to share the same religion and what right do I have to tell them they can’t celebrate that fact?

That’s the problem. There’s a fine line between celebrating your love for your own creed, and force feeding it to everyone around you. There’s a site called stfubelievers.tumblr.com, and it’s meant to poke fun at people who insert religion into everyday items. It’s intent is to be humorous, but it does,what I feel, is a good job at highlighting the ridiculous nature of the people I’m asking to kindly shut up.

No one has a problem with you loving God. I have a problem with you feeling the need to remind me on an hourly basis about it or judge my thoughts because they’re different. Is it insecurity? Is it that you need OTHER people to justify your belief for you? You can’t repeat the same concept over and over and then get offended when someone points out your absurd obsession. If I flooded your media and conversations with messages praising the glory of english muffins, after a certain amount of time, you might start thinking “what is it with this guy and english muffins? I like english muffins, but this is ridiculous”. Look, I love english muffins, I LOVE THEM. I have one every morning. That doesn’t mean people who like bagels, or toast, or cereal or fruit or nothing at all are wrong for their breakfast choices.

The point I’m trying to make is really multi-fold. First, I’m not saying you shouldn’t believe in whatever you believe. I’m also not saying you shouldn’t be proud or happy of that fact. You should be proud and you should practice it because it’s YOUR belief. Secondly, your beliefs are something that should be personal. There’s no need for you to broadcast your personal feelings to the world, let alone on a daily basis. Third, you’re entitled to believe what you want, no matter how strongly that is. However, everyone around you is entitled to believe what they believe, and it isn’t up to you to tell them they’re wrong or they’re being judged for it. Fourth, don’t use your belief system as a shield against logic. Think about a topic all the way through prior to arguing against or for it with God or a book as your defense. Fifth, all religions, ALL OF THEM, boil down to the same message: be a good person because good things happen to good people. No religion on the planet strays from that core concept.

So, if you are a believer in Vishnu, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Ra, Yahweh or the Fonz, remember, you’re only real charter in life is to be a good person. So, be a good person and help others that are less fortunate than you with the basic things they’ll need: food, shelter, and clothing. We can all do that without pissing each other off, can’t we?

EDIT: My (Big's) response is in the comments, if anybody cares, or even remembers who i am.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Brown ranting on Facebook…new year, new message.

Really, the world summed up in one picture.

I’ve made no secrets about the fact that I’m hypocritical of my complaints and annoyance regarding Facebook and Twitter.  I’ve heard every single counter argument of “if you don’t like it, don’t participate” or “if that person annoys you, defriend them”.   All fair points, but let me be clear, I like Facebook and I like Twitter.

I say that completely sober and without pressure or sarcasm.

I enjoy that I can hit a button on my phone and be able to see what my friends are up to, pictures, comical thoughts/links, etc.  I find that to be a nice respite from my cocoon of an office. Same with Twitter.  I enjoy the fact that I can follow humorous people and media types that can pipe in headlines or comedy in a single feed.

However it isn’t the 90% of people that I’m directing my vitriol.  It’s the 10% of you that just don’t fucking get it.  Facebook and Twitter are social media, they aren’t spotlights for your one man show. “Please, you think you’re so funny on your twitter feed, what a fucking hypocrite”.   That’s a good argument, really it is. But, this is my blog post, so fuck you.

The problem with these media is that people over-post and then get offended if you ignore/defriend them or point out that they over-post.  Look, that’s great, you’re pregnant.  I don’t care to know your pussy was puffy this morning and it means you’re housing a small migrant farming community in your uterus.  I also don’t give a shit to know that this morning your child mispronounced a word.  It isn’t funny when your kid does it, it isn’t funny when retards do it (yes it is…for the retards.)

Also, Facebook is a public forum. Do you fucking understand that?  If you have a private message to send someone, use your god damned cell phone. I don’t need to see couples telling each other how much they love each other or seeing them argue in a public forum.  This goes for Twitter also.  You don’t need to have a conversation on Twitter, use your phone. Make the conversation entertaining if you’re putting it on the web. We can all see that you’re trying oh so desperately to hit on some girl that you barely know.  Please stop.  Emoticons make you weak, and fragile and geigh.  Damn it, you people are basically sprinkling your pubic hair all over the social media pizza and ruining it for everyone. 

Is it too much to ask that when you want to post something on the internet, make it entertaining, make it informative, make it something that people actually like, not your little group of lonely women who desperately need attention and think it’s fantastic that Oprah has her own network.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Wow. This is…this is just awesome.

Snooki wrote a book.  Here is an excerpt.

“Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

I love America.

H/T: Warming Glow

People the world needs to quit overrating now

1. Kesha

2. Nicki Minaj

3. Pat Greene

4. The Black Eyed Peas

5. Katy Perry

6. Channing Tatum

7. Taylor Swift

8. Chelsea Handler

9. Wes Welker

10. Kardahsians, all of them.

Add yours in the comments

Stay out of the gym, please. (I’m kidding, I’m glad you’re here)

 

Greatest porn ever?  Greatest porn ever.

You spent Saturday buying some new clothes and building a tracking chart in Excel.  2011 is gonna be your year to get in shape.

No it isn’t, fatty.

Let me tell you something, Augustus Klump, all you manage to do is piss off everyone else who is at the gym beyond the month of January.  You come in, spend 45 minutes huffing and puffing on a treadmill then manage to get crisco sweat all over the benches and machines.   That, and it’s cold outside and your rascal parked up front makes me park further away. 

All I’m asking is that you follow through.  If you’re going to make everyone suffer the indignity of seeing your tubby ass fly all over a treadmill, then by god, make me suffer for the long haul until it’s all gone.  Don’t be the “resolutioner”.  Don’t buy a P90x dvd and think you’re Brooklyn Decker after 1 week. I’ve literally seen gigantic, Wade Phillips-esque tubs of goo slowly whittle themselves down to a better shape over a year.  And you know what? THAT is an inspiration for everyone.  I actually let these people know that they’ve done a kick ass job and they help keep my faith in humanity alive. 

By the way, here’s the ultimate secret for getting in shape:  FIX YOUR FUCKING DIET.  You can go to the gym every day, but if after the gym you’re eating an entire pizza and drinking a 6 pack, you’ve done nothing.  Whereas if you just fixed your diet, then going to the gym would produce results.  I promise you, you don’t need a DVD, you don’t need a supplement.  Eat a fucking apple.

So, for the guys, there’s nothing wrong with sleeves and taking it slowly.  You and I both know that you and I aren’t the Situation.  I promise you, no one gives a flying shit about what you’re doing, so lift smaller amounts of weight.  There’s no need to try and bench what you benched in high school when you’re pushing 35.  You aren’t Brock Lesnar, so stop dressing and shadow boxing like you’re going to be on the Ultimate Fighter. 

For the ladies, cover it up, and not with form fitting clothing.  You have big tits because your fat, not because they’re nice.  No one wants to see them or that mass of flesh you call an ass.  Doing a week’s worth of Yoga, buying a Zumba DVD and going tanning doesn’t make you hot, that makes you Snookie without the hair.  Earn the right to wear those clothes you think you can wear now. 

If you want to get in shape, I commend and support you, I really do. I just want all of you to commit, god damn it.  Become a regular at the gym instead of being that person we all know no one will see until next January.   If not, then just embrace your size, buy a Vespa and let me call you gravy tits.