Friday, January 28, 2011

Big Links for Friday

get it? big links? GFY, I'm not a funny one.

Links brought to you by the letter C, for Cocaine....

Because Brown had a bad dream or something, I'm going to do something that I used to do on the reg, and something that just about every other blog site does, a day of links! So if you're looking for some interesting reading, probably want to go somewhere else, but if you're looking to waste a little time, check the sites out.

Greatest feud ever: Glee versus Kings of Leon. Someone might be challenging Brown for the most hate filled person on the Internet!

New thunder cats? New thunder cats. - It is done in Japan, so of course Cheetara looks like a 12-year-old now. Fucking Crazy Asians.

This homemade LED Pong clock is legit as shit. Honestly this whole make website is legit as shit. Like this weed flinging catapult

Ever want to be one of the Bob's? Corporation Inc. has you covered. Warning this game is addictive as balls.

This Brett Favre spoof is pretty good, if you haven't seen it yet.

Music: The Black Keys and Big Boi from Outkast got their two records mashed up (free download). The result is surprisingly good, and if you don't have big boi’s Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty, his most recent album, go get it now.

And last but not least the second greatest pay-per-view for wrestling is this weekend, The Royal Rumble. Bet your sweet ass, I'm going to be watching it. It's got 40 people now! 40!!!

That's it! Hope I gave you some time killing options this Friday. Have a good weekend and as always #prayformojo.

Yoda Stalin approves

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Tiger Returns to the Course Today

For Shizzle

So, today marks the beginning of the 2011 season for Eldrick Woods.  You might remember him from such films as “Greatest Golfer Ever” and “The Night I Cheated on My Supermodel Wife with a Perkins Restaurant Waitress” and “Rachel Uchitel: You Saw Her on Celebrity Rehab…Wouldja?”  Anyway, last year Tiger was basically known for one thing, fucking pornstars and losing golf tournaments.  He tried to return at the Masters, played throughout the year and didn’t win.  He came close, but that mystique of Tiger and championship edge he used to have was gone and young guns like Lee Westood and Graeme McDowell took him down. 

So, what do we expect from Tiger now?  He fired Hank Haney and hired Sean Foley to “fix his swing” again.  He says he spent his (now single) time alone re-grooving his swing, focusing on his short game and re-dedicating himself to mental toughness.  Basically, he says that he has his A game back (he kept saying he was close last year) and now he’s poised to “re-claim his number 1 spot” –- if you didn’t know, this is the first time in 5 years that Tiger has not been the world’s number 1 ranked golfer, it’s Lee Westwood.

Here’s what’s different:

  • Tiger isn’t young anymore.  He’s 35 years old.  That’s not old by any means, as you saw guys like Jack winning in his 40’s, but take a look at guys like Phil, and Ernie and Vijay…they’re in their 40’s now and they aren’t really seen as the tour’s best.  Tiger can’t do what he did before because his body isn’t what it used to be. 
  • The tour has “caught up” with him.   Guys like McDowell, Westwood, McElroy, Villegas, Watson, Kim…they all grew up watching Tiger Woods and priming their games off of his. Point is, they aren’t afraid of him, they can’t wait for the chance to stand up to the throne and take the spot.  Hell, McDowell and Westwood already did and USGA is already looking at Kim to take the American mantle for golf from Tiger.
  • Media scrutiny.  Sure, Tiger was the PGA, and everyone followed golf for Tiger.  That’s nothing new.  Difference now is Tiger has gone from being John Cena to being The Miz.  People don’t love Tiger.  People want to see Tiger lose. People want to see him fail.  People want the king to fall and to see someone take his place.  The media will feed off of that.  I’m not saying you’ll see Feherty switch fields and start being a dick to Tiger, but I am saying you’ll hear more of Johnny Miller and Nick Faldo chipping away. 

So, what do we want to see out of the new TIger?

  • Show his personal side. If the transgressions of 2009 and 2010 have proven anything, it’s that Tiger is not the machine that Nike, IMG, and the USGA made him out to be.  We know that Tiger is a man and he has faults. Don’t be the A-Rod machine, show the personal side and try and connect.  For years, golf fans have heard that Tiger is a prankster and, unlike Phil, the entire tour loves Tiger because when the cameras aren’t on him, he’s a genuinely nice and funny guy.  Show that side to the world.  It doesn’t change what you’ve done, but everyone loves a good redemption story – see Bryant, Kobe.
  • Drop the Sunday Red routine.  If it doesn’t intimidate anymore, there’s no need to do it.  Jim Duggan looks stupid carrying a 2x4 to the ring, he never gave up.  Wear a different color, or open up your Twitter account (@TigerWoods) and let fans vote on Saturday – highest vote is the color you wear on Sunday. 
  • Be smart with the game.  Forget playing Angry Birds off the tee and showing the young guns who you are.  That’s stupid.  Remind us of cerebral Tiger. Play irons only on the links courses.  If you’ve got the lead, play fairways conservatively and hold ground.  Don’t push if you don’t need to, and leave yourself the easy up and downs.
  • Embrace being a heel.  How great would it be to start seeing Tiger showing up to tournaments in fur coats, a cigar in hand and local strippers piling out of his car?  Seriously, if the world hates you, and no one will forgive you, then take a cue from the WWE and embrace the hate. Become that figure that everyone hates, but has to watch.  Scream “Noonan” at your playing partners.  Make Happy Gilmore real.

2011 is going to be a make or break year for Tiger.  Torrey Pines is “one of his courses” and he’s primed to start on a good note.   It’ll take one major to get the monkey off his back and remind everyone who he is.  Augusta is practically home to him, so I fully expect him to take another green jacket and return to prominence.  Let’s just hope he does it the right way.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The State of the Blog

Mr. Speaker, the Vice President of The Big & The Brown!

Fellow blog readership.  I first want to say that the state of our blog is strong.  We’ve put out more posts in the past 3 weeks then we did all of 2010 and the end of 2009 combined.  I’d like to thank Big for working with me to find a bi-partisan way to post to this blog without letting our petty, political squabbles get in the way.  (He’s pro-nice, I’m pro-angry…it’s like abortion without the teenagers and hangers)

It is my goal that has been set for this blog that we will average no less than 5 posts per week.  There will be times where this is easier than others.  There will be times where this is impossible because there is no internet available, but it is my commitment to you, the readership, to deliver on the promises that you deserve.

However, this blog is a blog of the people, and it can’t survive and grow without you. If we are to leave this blog in the hands of future generations, we must leave it in better shape than in which we have found it.  This means MORE dick jokes, MORE angry posts and MORE YouTube videos from Big.  We can do our part, but the onus (the anus?) also falls on you, our fair readership. 

We must put aside such petty differences as you not being funny and me being fucking hilarious.  We must put aside our egos and recognize that I am the greatest writer this side of Shakespeare.  We must be willing to accept that if you took those last 2 sentences literally, then you are extremely stupid and shouldn’t read this blog for fear of bruising your brain.  It means that YOU must provide feedback to US and let US, your writers, know what we can do to make this blog better for you.  It means more comments, more emails, and more tweets.  If you have an idea, write it up and send it in.  If it isn’t funny, we’ll send it to Bear, that’s what his blog is for.

Our blog is back and I firmly believe that it is stronger than ever.  Big and I have agreed to put our political differences behind us (until his back is turned, then I’m going to hit him with a chair…REVENGE!) to make our contributions better for you, the reader.  I now charge you to share your thoughts with us, share your dreams with us and share your anus with us…let’s make the biggest Human Centipede that’s ever been!  God Bless America and God Bless The Big & The Brown!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

For the record, I was right

About 3 years ago, I wrote this post right here on this blog, and in it, you’ll notice the following line:

“And here's another hot sports opinion about Jessica Simpson: Not. That. Great. If you want to find a large breasted, man-face having girl who can't sing well and has an over bearing father, go to Baylor's campus any day of the week. It had to be said.”

That line of mine (RHYME!) drew this comment from our favorite commenter, Gerry Dorsey:

“disclaimer: this post was written by a bitter cowboys fan who watched his boys lose to an inferior team with home field in the playoffs still on the line. jessica simpson IS in fact smokin' hot and although she got way too much face time, she did deserve at least a little bit of it. please direct your anger at fox as it was not her fault they kept focusing on her sweet, sweet rack. thank you.”

Gerry, I’m going to give you the floor and ask for an apology and retraction from you now that she’s proven that she’s the real-life version of Kendra from “The Cleveland Show”

Things I’m irrationally afraid of…

We’ve all got things we’re afraid of, whether tough guys like Big want to admit it or not.   Most things are traditional types of fears/phobias – heights, enclosed spaces, bugs, snakes, prison, etc.  Others tend to skew on the irrational side of phobias – the number 13, pennies, mustard, etc.

Well, I was joking when I saw the Subway commercials this weekend that I think I need to add Layla Ali to my list of things I’m irrationally afraid of.  Then I got to thinking about it, and I have a couple of things that I’m afraid of that are kind of irrational.  Now, I realize that my friends are complete dicks and will purposely put me in a room of these things, but that’s just what you ass holes do.

So, in no particular order:

1) Layla Ali – Watch a Subway commercial.  Tell me if you don’t think that woman has the capacity to rape you…WITH YOUR OWN PENIS.

2) Whales – Yes, it’s true. I hate whales. They scare the shit out of me. It doesn’t mean that I curl into the fetal position at Sea World, but God help me if I’m on a boat and see a whale.  There’s nothing majestic about a giant animal that, by simply altering its direction under water, can take out the object that is keeping me afloat and everyone in it.  Whales, they’re fucking Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”…stupid enough to swim into Boston Harbor and big enough to take down an armada…yet somehow, succumb to the Japanese…it’s why I buy Sony products.

3) Children singing – Listen to Pink Floyd’s “the Wall”…that’s some fucking scary shit. Now listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Aeroplane'”.  Now listen to the kids choir in “Home Alone'” JUST AS FUCKING SCARY!  Kids are creepy when they sing.  Laugh, play, enjoy all you want to, but the minute a group of kids start singing, hackles get raised on my back.

Okay, this post ran out of steam because I got a phone call and totally lost my train of thought.  So, there you go, I’m afraid of Layla Ali, Whales and Children Singing…so, take me to Sea World when she’s doing an appearance with the Vienna Boys Choir and you might see my explode like the movie Scanners.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thoughts on the upcoming Super Bowl

  • The Packers and Steelers easily had one of the best regular season games this year that was back and forth out of the chute and trading punches the whole way through.  Let’s hope for a repeat
  • Why the hell does Lewisville have Super Bowl banners on the street lights?  I mean the official, NFL Super Bowl XV banners with the word “Lewisville”.  Shouldn’t that be restricted to Arlington (stadium), Dallas (NFC), Ft. Worth (AFC) and Irving (Valley Ranch)? Last I checked, the Fighting Farmers stadium isn’t big enough to withstand that magnitude /admiral ackbar’d
  • I like Aaron Rodgers. He was my MVP pick last year.  I don’t have a joke, I’m just saying he seems like a decent enough guy, and his celebration is wrestling related.
  • Everyone in Dallas bitching because Pittsburgh and Green Bay are playing in the Super Bowl here had damn sure better be in their 50’s. This is hardly the same league as Landry, Noll and Lombardi’s was 40 years ago.  Let’s stop pretending that we care. The same people who are complaining are the same people who stopped watching football when the Cowboys went 1-7 and want to trade Romo because Kitna’s “better”.
  • I am in paralyzing fear of what traffic will be like next week in this city.  That being said, all this construction was supposed to be done before the Super Bowl…kind of missed the mark, didn’t we?
  • I tweeted this but, The Situation is having a Super Bowl party at Blackfinn in Addison.  I dare say that’s just not douchey enough, right?  Shouldn’t he be at one of the one word places in Uptown? 
  • GameDay Final on the NFL Network is easily one of the best shows on television.
  • What gets more play: Rodgers potentially displacing Favre’s legacy or Roethlisberger potentially joining Bradshaw, Montana, Aikman, and Brady with 3 super bowls
  • If (when) Deion gets in the HOF, does he thank Jesus first or himself?
  • If this was the WWE, I’d guarantee you this game would have a Polamalu v Matthews Hair v Hair stipulation.
  • My pick : Packers 24, Steelers 21 – game winning drive for Rodgers.
  • My secondary pick?  Bear will grow his beard real strong this week as though he’s playing in the game and say that’s what he used to do for the high school playoffs.