Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Things I’m irrationally afraid of…

We’ve all got things we’re afraid of, whether tough guys like Big want to admit it or not.   Most things are traditional types of fears/phobias – heights, enclosed spaces, bugs, snakes, prison, etc.  Others tend to skew on the irrational side of phobias – the number 13, pennies, mustard, etc.

Well, I was joking when I saw the Subway commercials this weekend that I think I need to add Layla Ali to my list of things I’m irrationally afraid of.  Then I got to thinking about it, and I have a couple of things that I’m afraid of that are kind of irrational.  Now, I realize that my friends are complete dicks and will purposely put me in a room of these things, but that’s just what you ass holes do.

So, in no particular order:

1) Layla Ali – Watch a Subway commercial.  Tell me if you don’t think that woman has the capacity to rape you…WITH YOUR OWN PENIS.

2) Whales – Yes, it’s true. I hate whales. They scare the shit out of me. It doesn’t mean that I curl into the fetal position at Sea World, but God help me if I’m on a boat and see a whale.  There’s nothing majestic about a giant animal that, by simply altering its direction under water, can take out the object that is keeping me afloat and everyone in it.  Whales, they’re fucking Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”…stupid enough to swim into Boston Harbor and big enough to take down an armada…yet somehow, succumb to the Japanese…it’s why I buy Sony products.

3) Children singing – Listen to Pink Floyd’s “the Wall”…that’s some fucking scary shit. Now listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Aeroplane'”.  Now listen to the kids choir in “Home Alone'” JUST AS FUCKING SCARY!  Kids are creepy when they sing.  Laugh, play, enjoy all you want to, but the minute a group of kids start singing, hackles get raised on my back.

Okay, this post ran out of steam because I got a phone call and totally lost my train of thought.  So, there you go, I’m afraid of Layla Ali, Whales and Children Singing…so, take me to Sea World when she’s doing an appearance with the Vienna Boys Choir and you might see my explode like the movie Scanners.

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