Friday, December 14, 2007

The Brown Five - 12/14/07

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) The Mitchell Report, okay, now what?
Selig says he's going to crack down, Fehr says he'll cooperate within the limits of players' interests. Sounds like the same thing. However, what I think the best thing to come out of it was, the MLB said, "independent party, take all the time and money you need to find the findings and bash us without mercy" They took the public sentiment and said, "you're right, we've got a serious problem, and now we're going to do our best to acknowledge it and try to fix it." Cheers to you, baseball, now let's see you back it up.

2) Bob Costas has the best solution
Costas (my favorite announcer of all time) was on Mike and Mike this morning and pretty much had the best solution regarding punishments and the Hall of Fame and the Book of Records. This isn't a direct quote, as I'm working from memory, but it's close enough:

"Asterisks mean nothing because you'd have to put them on everything. Instead have the very first page of the book of records say something to the degree of: baseball is the purist sport and the historical continuity of these records holds more solid than any other sport in the world. However, given timeframes, baseball has had certain conditions or circumstances that have led to the skewing of records. These include, but are not limited to: segregation and integration, day games and night games, lower mounds and higher mounds, and the so called steroid era of the 1990's. Keep the reference as you flip through this book that baseball has always had a circumstance or condition that threatens its context and continuity, but it retains itself more than any other sport. Then turn the page."

Couldn't have said it better.

3) Who's sorry now?
Mario Williams has proven that maybe Charlie Casserly wasn't playing give up a few years ago. Let's see: Demeco Ryans was last year's DROY and still plays fantastic football. Vince Young was the OROY last year, and granted he's slipping this year because he's trying to play pocket qb instead of freelancing which he does best. Mario Williams is second in the leage with sacks at 13 this year, and if you watch him, plays like a fucking man-child. Reggie Bush? Well, he's a glorified scat back who spends more time with Jared from Subway and Kim Kardashian's ass that he forgot what the hell he gets paid to do. Where's the media mea culpa?

4) I'm not sure what's wrong with Aggies
As a Longhorn alum, I'm going to try and be objective. Texas A&M has got a REALLY good basketball team. Scary good with a loaded recruiting class. That being said, they can't fill Reed Arena worth a damn. This makes no sense. This is a school that is so steeped in tradition it makes me sick. Granted, I don't know how they do it down there, but in Austin we'd pay $40 at the time of registration and you could go to the Drum to watch any basketball game for free. And when Barnes created the O-zone, it became that much more fun because we got better seats than the alumni did. I'm a little taken aback that a college that claims to have the best support group can't fill arena for the best thing they have down there.

5) Duke wants David Cutcliffe
And people want to say that the SMU job is a curse to a coaching career??? If Cutcliffe is smart, he'll wait and take a better job (come on, he made Elisha look good at Ole Miss) or he'll slip something into Phatty Fulmer's drink and take over at Tennessee. Don't do something you're going to regret and go to Raleigh-Durham. That's the ACC's doormat. No matter what Dorsey and Big want to argue about, I'm not sure they're going to say that being at the bottom of the ACC is any kind of a respectable position.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Gansta meets Math

If you love Hip Hop, like I do, and love math, again like I do. You will dig this site Its a bunch of Hip Hop terms put into graphs and charts. Here is a few of my favs.




And yes, I do crush a lot (no i don't)(but would like to)

I've had this injury before

Listen to everyone's favorite Gumbel describe the injury that Cooley sustained



Wow, and here I thought I was the only one who's ever hurt himself just trying to pass a dook.

(From Mr. Irrelevant)

The List!



From Deadspin, here's the list of all the players named in the Mitchell Report:

Lenny Dykstra
David Segui
Larry Bigbie
Brian Roberts
Jack Cust
Tim Laker
Josias Manzanillo
Todd Hundley
Mark Carreon
Hal Morris
Matt Franco
Rondell White
Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Chuck Knoblauch
Jason Grimsley
Gregg Zaun
David Justice
F.P. Santangelo
Glenallen Hill
Mo Vaughn
Denny Neagle
Ron Villone
Ryan Franklin
Chris Donnels
Todd Williams
Phil Hiatt
Todd Pratt
Kevin Young
Mike Lansing
Cody McKay
Kent Mercker
Adam Piatt
Miguel Tejada
Jason Christiansen
Mike Stanton
Stephen Randolph
Jerry Hairston
Paul Lo Duca
Adam Riggs
Bart Miadich
Fernando Vina
Kevin Brown
Eric Gagne
Mike Bell
Matt Herges
Gary Bennett, Jr.
Jim Parque
Brendan Donnelly
Chad Allen
Jeff Williams
Howie Clark
Nook Logan
Rick Ankiel
Paul Byrd
Jay Gibbons
Troy Glaus
Jose Guillen
Jerry Hairston Jr.
Gary Matthews Jr.
Scott Schoeneweis
David Bell
Jose Canseco
Jason Grimsley
Darren Holmes
John Rocker
Ismael Valdez
Matt Williams
Steve Woodard

Read the full 400 page report here

Anyone notice a certain home run record holder's name missing????

"Beat Brown's Caption" Contest!

I'm going to periodically put a picture up with a wacky quote. Use the comment section to beat the quote with something funnier.



"2girls1torso.com"

The Brown Five - 12/13/07

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) Like a breathe a fresh air
Anyone else noticing that with Billy King gone, the 76ers have put together a nice little set of games? Dalembert is starting to show signs of what they've wanted him to be. Andre Miller (oh yeah, THAT Andre Miller) is showing signs of life, and the rookies are starting to come together. Now, I've always been a Mo Cheeks fan, though I can't say why. Maybe a good GM does matter. More on that story in the latest issue of "Duh" magazine.

2) Mitchell Report due at 1 pm today
How many owners are starting to feel buyer's remorse for some players they've made moves for? How many players are starting to feel like their Dad is gonna find out they nicked the car? How many times have Peter Gammons and Karl Ravech mutually masturbated in Bristol today? I'm putting the over/under at 20.

3) From the desk of Bobby Petrino
Atlanta Falcons players,
Out of my respect for you, I am letting you know, with a heavy heart, I resigned today as the Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons. This decision was not easy but was made in the best interest of me and my family. While my desire would have been to finish out what has been a difficult season for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate your hard work and wish the best.

Sincerely,

Bobby Petrino"
I'd like to add: "P.S. SOOOOOEEYY PIG!!"

4) TO and Me-Shawn
Why does anyone care? As long as Owens isn't calling out Phillips, Garrett or Romo, I don't give a shit who he's trashing. Keyshawn is standing up for the only coach who really gave half a shit about him, big deal. Owens is standing up for the coaches that are letting him have his best season ever. I've never been a big Key fan, and I've always been an Owens fan (yes, even when he was in San Francisco). Bottom line, who cares?

5) Cubs cut Mark Prior
Would you take a one year flier on this guy? How great was he when he first came out? Sure his arm was used more than Jenna Jameson's dildo, but still, after missing multiple seasons and rehabbing, would you sign him to a one year deal, just to see what he has in the tank? Think about it and comment.

The Second Turnbuckle

As we here at the Big and the Brown love all things sports, fake or real, we know that we don't have all the knowledge of some of our peers. We gladly move aside when someone who is an expert in a certain field wants to put his/her two cents in. With that said, here is what should be a weekly post about wrestling from our wrestling guru.

Here it is folks. The long awaited 3rd installment from El Blogador. With everyone caught up in the excitement of American Football, especially the teams from colleges, I will pick my winners for these bowl games. I'm not promising anything great. Being Mexican and working a computer make this project difficult. So this installment will be like watching a Barry Horowitz / Red Rooster / Repo Man triple threat match.

Poinsettia Bowl

Utah falls to Navy. Utah has nothing. Navy has the former actor/former governer Jesse 'the Body' Ventura. Possibly greater than Staubach?

New Orleans Bowl

Florida Atlantic over Memphis. It'll be a close one with Memphis having the power of Jerry Lawler behind them. But, by association through the Sun Belt Conference and North Texas, FAU pulls of a 'stunner' in the last seconds to win it. 15 people will rejoice.

Holiday Bowl

University of Texas beats Arizona State. There's nothing exciting here just Dead Bobby Duncum, Jr. and former 4-Horseman and Super Bowl Champion Steve "Mongo" McMicheal.

Independence Bowl

Colorado crushes 'Bama. Surprisingly, actually not that surprising, I can find no record of any professional wrestlers attending the University of Alabama. Colorado can say 'It's time, It's time, It's Vader Time!!' The former 'Boy Meets World' guest star is also a Colorado Alum with a degree in Architecture.

Sun Bowl

South Florida runs wild over Oregon. That's right brotha, watcha gonna do when Bullmania flexes it's 24' pythons and crushes the Ducks. Hogan did a few semesters as South Florida and Oregon has nothing.

Outback Bowl

Tennessee drops it against Wisconsin.........Wisconsin. The Vols have one time wrestler Reggie White but Badger has current and future superstar Ken Kennedy.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl

Auburn slips by Clemson. I search and search and all I can find is Kevin Greene former Steeler great had a stint in WCW when talent was pretty low.

Music City Bowl

After a great season Kentucky falls to the geriatric-led Seminoles. DAMN! Ron "Farrooq" Simmons was a star DE for the Seminoles and now has a great catch phrase and is competing with Ron Washington for best "George Jefferson Afro".

Fiesta Bowl

Sooners quiet the Mountaineers. You want to try to compete with OU when it comes to Pro Wrestling and all you bring is Pacman (former TNA tag team chamion) Jones. OU has Dr. Death Steve Williams and Good Ol' Jim Ross. "My God Pat White is broken in half, somebody end the match now"

and finally the National Chamionship Game

It's a stretch but there isn't much out there. The Buckeyes are National Chamions. OOOOOOHHH YEEEEAAHHHH!!!! Snap into it! and such. Macho Man was born in Columbus so I'm sure he rooted for The Ohio State University.

-El Blogador

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Oh Bobby, and the grass is always greener

Over the past week, we have had several things go down since I last wrote this article about all the college coaching changes in college football, culminating in the big nasty news last night that Bobby Petrino quite during his first year as head coach of the Atlanta Falcons to become the head coach at Arkansas. I would like to thank The Big Lead for the linking our little blog site last week.

Before we get to the douche that is Petrino, lets talk about some of the other places that got their coach, or haven't.

Georgia Tech - A reader named Richard K, who has to be a Georgia Tech supporter, made some great points on why they needed to fire Chan Gailey. While I am of the the old school way of thinking in that unless a coach rocks several bad seasons in a row, you might want to stay with him awhile. That said, they went out and got one hell of a college coach, Paul Johnson. Johnson has been the coach of the Navy Midshipmen for the past 6 years, and really turned that program around. Johnson was also courted by SMU and Duke. This is good news for you Yellow Jacket fans, especially if you like to watch a team run the ball about 80% of the time.

Washington State - Enter Paul Wulff. Well, I said they needed to go get a young up and coming coach, and that's what they did. Wulff is 40, and has been coaching the Eastern Washington near by. He is a State guy who wants to "make Wassu the team in Washington," and that he "hates purple." Right on.

Michigan - Despite his best efforts, Les Miles is still being linked to this job, and you know what, I still say he gets it.

UCLA - Nobody has been named yet, so their is still hope for Mike Leech. I am crossing my fingers for this to happen for the simple fact that I can make fun of all my Texas Tech friends.

Arkansas - And on to the big news of the week. Former coach of the Louisville Cardinals, and as of yesterday Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons Bobby Petrino has been named coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Now unless your in Fayettville, either in body or mind, this has got to be looked at as a dick move. But before I get into that, lets look at how this guy stacks up for the hogs.

From 03-06 he was the Head Coach of Louisville, where his offense was great. He lead the team to multiply bowl games and helped them get respect, and helped them get into the Big East. He coached under Tommy Tubberville at Auburn as his OC in 02, and has some NFL experience as a QB coach, and OC with Jacksonville, 99-00, and 01 respectively. And of course 13 games as the Falcons head coach this year. I have no problem with coaches trying the NFL and then either not digging it, or not being dedicated enough to make it work. Ball Coach, Butch Davis, the list goes on. Its cool.

What I don't like about this move is when it went down. Petrino coached his Falcons team Monday, told his players "I'll see ya Wednesday," and then took the Arkansas job Tuesday. Douche. I know his players did really care for him, they thought he treated his plays like kids, but still. You took a job so at least go 3 more weeks. This is a guy hasn't been at one job for more than 4 years. So if he does just a decent job, don't be surprised if some bigger college program needs a coach, he will leave in a heart beat.

By the way Pat Forde hates this guy. Read his bashing here

There is still some stuff to roll out about all these guys, but the pic is getting clearer.

The Brown Five - 12/12/07

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) Petrino quits, and people are happy(?)
Bobby Petrino realized he was more Saban and Spurrier than he was Jimmy Johnson and decided to quit on the Falcons and take the job as the new coach of the Razorbacks. On ESPN radio, they had Brian Finneran, a receiver for Atlanta who said this was good because no one liked Petrino. Arkansas is happy because they have a successful college coach. What about Arthur Blank? Talk about a shitty, shitty season. Personally, I think this is the highest form of douchebaggery, and Petrino should be getting shredded all over the place for this crap. You had 3 games to go and you quit? Really?

2) TJ Ford's neck is like Grant Hill's ankles and Allan Houston's knees
TJ Ford has had spinal injuries for awhile now. I remember he was playing pick up basketball at Gregory Gym and hurt his neck and Rick Barnes wanted to kill a bunch of the intramural college kids at Texas. Anyways, it happened against last night when Al Horford hit him in the back and caused Ford to fall and smack his head on the ground. Horford was ejected, and Ford went to the hospital. That's some bullshit, and this is why the league needs to demand each team have a Charles Oakley. (I know this was unintentional, and TrueHoop tells how Horford immediately went to the hospital, but this is my chance to promote my "every team needs an Oakley" rule.)

3) Fukudome to the Cubbies and the Rangers get Fucked more
The guy I really really really wanted to see in a Rangers uniform made his decision to go to the Cubs for a 4 year/$50 MM contract. God damn it. You're telling me we couldn't afford that? I'm sick of this crap. He would have worked well. What did the Rangers do? They signed the reliever, Fukumore instead. By the way, he's injured right now. So, the two signings so far? An injured, crazy 29 year old outfielder and an injured 31 year old closer. Jon Daniels, Theo Epstein you are not.

4) I'm not sure this Isaiah thing can get worse
Really, now he's blaming the fans for the disaster that is the New York Knicks? Oh wow. You know, on paper, that's not really THAT bad of a team. I have to wonder if, given a good coach, they could actually see some success. Then again, they play in the East, and with those guys in Boston, I'm not sure about it. Speaking of that, please tell me you saw the Sportscenter commercial where they are asking for help on a nickname and do the "Three Amigos Salute". Comedy of epic proportions.

5) Mangino gets coach of the year.
I'll have nothing to add but this:


giggle


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Why I love professional basketball

Watch Rasheed Wallace...


...come on, he's doing the Carlton!!!

Power is in the eye of.....

Man I love this time of year! College football bowls are just around the corner (i will do a special post about this later), and the NFL season has been moved from a 32 team "everybody has a shot" league, to about a 20-24 team "oh shit we need to win" league. Just like last week, lets rock some playoff talk before we get to the horny strong NFL rankings.

AFC
In: New England 13-0, Indianapolis 11-2.

Leading division with games ahead.
Pittsburgh 9-4(1), San Diego 8-5(2)

Playoff Front Runners
Jacksonville 9-4, Cleveland 8-5,

Slight, needs some help, chances.
Tennessee 7-6, Buffalo 7-6, Denver 6-7, Houston 6-7

NFC
In: Dallas 12-1, Green Bay 11-2, Seattle 9-4

Leading Division with games ahead
Tampa Bay 8-5(2)

Playoff Front Runners
New York 9-4, Minnesota 7-6

Slight, needs some help, but a chance.
Washington 6-7, Detroit 6-7, Arizona 6-7, New Orleans 6-7

Game to Watch This Week
Denver 6-7 @ Houston 6-7 Thursday
Winner still has a shot, loser is out.

Jacksonville 9-4 @ Pittsburgh 9-4 Sun 12:00
Pitt needs to win to have a shot at a first round bye, and Cleveland will be cheering for Jac very, very loudly.

Arizona 6-7 @ New Orleans 6-7 Sun 12:00
Again winner still has a shot, loser is out, and NO needs to win to still have a shot at Div.

Buffalo 7-6 @ Cleveland 8-5 Sun 12:00
While not a must win for Cle, because 9-7 will probably get you in the AFC, but a win for Buffalo would really give them a good chance.

Detroit 6-7 @ San Diego 8-5 Sun 3:15
A win for the Chargers would all but clinch the Div, and the Lions need it to stay alive.

Washington 6-7 @ New York Giants 9-4 Sun 7:30
New York will get a playoff spot with a win, but Washington will be fighting to catch Minnesota for the last wild card spot.

Its going to be one HELL of great football Sunday! Now onto the power rankings for this week. Once again this is based on how the team would fair against a coked up swamp rat trying to protect her young, while constipated.

The Opps I Crapped my Pants Tier

32. Miami Dolphins 0-13 - I know they might be the worst team ever, but you are really going to first Cam Camron after 1 season? Give him at least one more shot.

31. San Francisco 49ers 3-10 - I am sad that Alex Smith didn't work out. I kinda liked that kid.

30. New York Jets 3-10 - I really like the idea that New England shouldn't even suit up a punter for this weeks game. Good line Bill.

Showing Signs that Next Year Could be Better Tier

29. St. Louis Rams 3-10 - This might be a good thing for the Rams. This team was ROCKED by hurt people, now they are going to get a solid pick from the draft. Watch out next year.

28. Atlanta Falcons 3-10 - Well, screw me, Chris Redman wasn't that bad. And a side note, I had to change the stations when Arther Blank made the statement about as long as Vick doesn't go "crazy with the Fried Chicken and Fries," he wouldn't be apposed to letting him back on the team. Uncomfortable.

27. Carolina Panthers 5-8 - See, I told you they should have taken a QB last year in the first round. Brady Quinn would have this team in the playoffs.

I Few Key Players Away Tier

26. Kansas City Chiefs 4-9 - No Larry, no playoffs, and probably, no Herm next year. It all makes me sad.

25. Chicago Bears 5-8 - Thinking back, this is what the Bears do. They are really good, then just OK, then bad, then really good again. All in 3 years.

The Should have been Better Tier

24. Baltimore Ravens 4-9 - The team has given up on its coach. Simple.

23. Oakland Raiders 4-9 - Doesn't really fit the tier. I think these guys are on the way up.

22. Philadelphia Eagles 5-8 - You know who I feel bad for? Brain Westbrook. If this team was 2 games better, he might be an MVP candidate. Now? Nobody cares.

21. Cincinnati Bengals 5-8 - Maybe this will be a wake up call for this team. If they don't make noise in the playoffs next year, Marvin will be gone.

The Playoff Circle Jerk Tier

20. Detroit Lions 6-7 - So, you can't get to 10 wins anymore. Sorry bout ya Jon. Now the question is, can they win one more game.

19. Arizona Cardinals 6-7 - Fun Fun game this week. They need to win, and I hope Robo Jesus Arm comes's through.

18. Washington Redskins 6-7 - Very solid win over the Bears. Need to ride that high this week.

17. Denver Broncos 6-7 - Jay Cutler, right on man. I know a certain friend of mine who will be wearing his oneze this week.

16. Houston Texans 6-7 - Every time I write this team off, they come and push forward. If Andre Johnson didn't get hurt this year, he would be right up there with Moss and TO.

15. New Orleans Saints 6-7 - Well, take a fancy toy away from a kid and he will have just as much fun just playing in the yard. The fancy toy is Reggie Bush, now that he is done for the year, PCL, Sean Payton can't over think his dumb ass.

14. Buffalo Bills 7-6 - So, the Bills still have a shot? I don't understand the team, except they play hard, and with a few bounces their way, they would be 9-4. Crazy.

13. Tennessee Titans 7-6 - Despite the loss to Sand Diego, with Hanseyworth back on the D-Line, in my opinion this team has the best shot to get in out of all these teams.

The I Can't Believe This Team is this Good Tier

12. Minnesota Vikings 7-6 - Every game I expect Travis to fuck up. Welp, that gansta ass just won't do it. Even when Adrian goes for like 10 yards, they win. I don't want to play this team.

Holds Their Own Destiny Tier

11. New York Giants 9-4 - Every time i watch these guys play, I don't see how they are 9-4. They seem to get out played every game, yet they win. Fuck if i know.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8-5 - The great unknown. Much like Kansas and Missouri from college football, this team kinda came out of nowhere, and they need to be put back in their place. But its not going to happen.

9. Cleveland Browns 8-5 - Is this team coming back down to earth a little bit? They barley beat the Jets. But a win is a win, and they are only 1 game back of Pitt with 3 left. Still got a shot at a home playoff game.

Won't Win it all, but will make some noise in the Playoffs Tier

8. Seattle Seahawks 9-4 - Mat Hassellquarterback has been just bad ass these last few weeks. If he keeps playing like this, and the coach doesn't shoot em in the foot, watch out Green Bay or Dallas

7. Pittsburgh Steelers 9-4 - This was the team that was going to beat New England huh? So the reason I don't have team higher is I still don't know who they are. Last 3 games are like this. Bad Weather win, Bad Field Win, and Blown out by the Pats. Need we start the "Overrated" chant?

6. San Diego Chargers 8-5 - If this team doesn't win at least 1 playoff game, I expect LDT to "hot Carl" Phill Rivers after the loss.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars 9-4 - This team is about to jump to the next tier, but the lack to winning a big game is hurting them. They will get there shot on the road, during the playoffs. I would love to see Jacksonville @ San Diego in the first round.

Top of Conference Teams

4. Green Bay Packers 11-2 - They rolled the lowly Raiders. As they should. Of all the teams already in the playoffs, this is the one that i think could get beat early.

3. Indianapolis Colts 11-2 - Watch out, they are getting healthy. Still has the best shot to beat the pats.

2. Dallas Cowboys 12-1 - Won a game they shouldn't have. That's what good teams do. The thing that I liked the most about the game, the adjustments at half time. What I didn't like was the defense as a whole.

Best Ever Tier, again

1. New England Patriots 12-0 - Well, it seams the only reason the other games were close these past few weeks is they didn't have anything to get for. They did this week, and they rolled. They have a reason again this week because its against the team that started the whole cheating thing. They will the last game because of a shot at 16-0. Team with the chance to beat them over the next 3 weeks? Miami. Yup. Its going to happen.

Well once again i have wasted not only my time in writing this, but yours by reading. I am sorry. I still love you though.

The Brown Five - 12/11/07

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) Already with the "Free Mike Vick"
I was watching the MNF program last night, and saw a signed poster of Vick held up by DeAngelo Hall and a tshirt on Roddy White that said "Free Michael Vick". All of it punctuated by Arthur Blank more or less saying, "sure he can come back when he's free". And Vick is the one who goes to prison for teaching kids the wrong lesson.

2) Lions looking to move Shaun Rogers
A freak of nature from Texas, Shaun Rogers is a young, fantastic nose tackle that could play in a 3-4 defense. People argue that he's sluggish and not motivated (see: Davis, Leonard) , but you can't blame him for not being motivated, he plays in Detroit. I'm being a homer here, but if, you know, Dallas wants a nose tackle to replace Jason Ferguson and want a deep threat wide receiver to replace Terry Glenn...well there are two Texas greats in Detroit who are looking to move. Shaun Rogers and the REAL Roy Williams sure would look good with stars on their helmets.

3) Milton Bradley to the Rangers
This? This is the big off season manuever that Jon Daniels is going to hang his hat on? I'm ready to hand over my fan card and just start watching the RoughRiders or something. Sure, he's a solid outfielder, but he's the definition of bat shit crazy and there is no one in the Ranger clubhouse to control him. This is not Terrell Owens or Tank Johnson, this is a whole new level of crazy.

4) What to expect when you're expecting?
The Mitchell Report is due, well, any time now. There's supposed to be names named and all kind of admissions. This is going to do one of two things. It's either going to sink baseball by having fans get the proof they need to say "I'm not watching", or people are going to ignore it like any other story that's hot for a week and then dies. I'm thinking the latter.

5) More proof the Nationals need a reality show
They just signed Paul Lo Duca. That's a clubhouse that has Lo Duca, Elijah Dukes, Lastings Milledge, and Dmitri Young. Can we get them all black and white nWo shirts and treat this like wrestling? PLEASE?? Can we bring "Hard Knocks" to baseball and see how long before they have Russian Roullette style show downs a la "The Deer Hunter"? I can just see Elijah Dukes, "DIDDY MAO!!! AND I AIN'T EVEN BULLSHITTIN'!!"

Monday, December 10, 2007

Wait, what?

Okay, I've made no secret of the fact that I hate Boston. I actually have nothing against the city itself, and find it quite charming, actually, but the sports fans and the local sports scene makes me want to Gus Frerotte myself to non existence.

I think it's hilarious that Drew at KSK is begging someone to break Tom Brady's leg. I think it's funny that everyone has pretty much forgotten about the Yankees and Steinbrenner and now see the Red Sox as the new Evil Empire. I'm even pretty sure Mexican people hate the New England Revolution, but I can't really verify that one.

Strangely enough, the one sports team in Boston that I don't hate, is the one that, for all intents and purposes, has been the most successful: the Boston Celtics. Sure, I'd like to punch Bill Simmons in the throat for some of his articles, but all things considered, I really like this Celtics team.

It might be Kevin Garnett (it is), it might be Ray Allen (it is), it might be Paul Pierce (it is). I actually think my secret love affair with the Celtics (not to dissuade the Mavericks...to quote Eddie Murphy, "that's right! I FUCKED HER! But I made LOVE TO YOU!!) is based on the fact that Daniel Stern did a little movie named "Celtic Pride" where he kidnapped Damon Wayans or something.

Not to get lost on a Daniel Stern tangent, which I tend to do, I can see, given the nature of Boston sports, people will hate the Celtics also. The LAST organization I'd expect to hate on them would be ESPN. See exhibit A, a poll that was on Page 2:


What. The. Fuck.

Kevin Garnett is one of the most likeable guys in the entire NBA! Why would you wish any kind of harm on him? Shit, if Peter King has taught me anything besides carmel machiattos are better than pumpkin lattes (seriously, this guy needs to order plain coffee or pull his tampon out) it's that people in Connecticut are supposed to be Boston fans!

I'm a little surprised ESPN would allow this, but they are offering the normal "we condemn this and apologize".

For shame, ESPN. I bite my thumb at thee.

The Brown Five - 12/10/07

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) Mike Vick...how long?
Today is the day that Michael Vick is going to get sentenced for the entire dog fighting embroglio from the summer. According to some news this morning, the government is going to say he did not cooperate with officials. This is baad news for Vick, so it'll be interesting how things turn out. I'm thinking "The Longest Yard".

UPDATE: Mike Vick has been sentence to 23 months in jail. That's 6 months longer than what was believed to be the case. Forget the NFL, Mike, just watch your corn hole.

2) Tebow...shocking (not really)
Tim Tebow became the first sophomore to win the Heisman this weekend. I haven't really got a lot to add here that I haven't already done, so, uh, congratulations, Tim Tebow, you might just become the next Danny Wuerffel after all.

3) Witten...hard hitten
Well, not to insult the Billy Joe Dupree or Jay Novacek fans here, but Jason Witten has established himself as the best Dallas Cowboys tight end in history (insert gay man voice: "nuh uh, it's Troy Aikman, girlfriend!). Witten was a man-child yesterday carving the Lions defense while they spent time doubling Owens. He made up for his fumble by scoring the winning touchdown. He's the Han Solo to Tony Romo's jedi knight.

4) Fred Taylor...curious
I really have only one question here, and I think it's something to think about: How good of a running back, stat-wise or production effect-wise, would Fred Taylor be/have been if his hamstrings, groin and thighs weren't made of styrofoam packing peanuts. He passed two guys on the all-time rushing list this weekend, and it seems with the addition of Jones-Drew, Taylor can be what he is...but with the injury plagued seasons before, you wonder what his number COULD be.

5) Josh Howard...still underrated?
As a life long Maverick fan, I've lived and died with the team (mostly died given their history). I'm a huge Dirk fan, and you can read that in most of my postings. However, Tom Ziller over at FanHouse has a very interesting theory developing...read his entry and tell me if you agree: Is Josh Howard the best Dallas Maverick?