Thursday, February 10, 2011

I don’t understand how women and gay men think

Tell me that’s not the most intriguing title for a post you’ve ever read.

The wife has had to work at the office late this week, so I’ve been getting home, taking care of the dogs and getting a shower out of the way before she gets into the house.  Normally, when I take a shower, it’s a fairly quick ordeal, take shower, dry off, throw on some clothes and bada beep bada boop, I’m done and on the couch.

Yesterday, though, when I stepped out of the shower, I actually took a look at myself in the mirror.  Seriously?  That’s what women and gay men are after?  It looks like I have Gonzo in a leg lock or something…not that I have a blue, furry penis.  I know what you’re thinking a) why the hell are you looking at yourself in the mirror and b) that’s mighty cocky (PUN!) for you to think that women and gay men are attracted to you.  First of all, everyone look at themselves in a mirror, it’s the god damned purpose of having one.  Second, I’m talking generalities, and though I don’t exactly have a memory bank full of other penises to compare to, I’m going to assume that male bodies are the same…except for black guys, “Any Given Sunday” pretty much proved why white guys enslaved black guys: penis envy. (Kizzle just went and Netflixed “Any Given Sunday” and cleared her Saturday)

Anyways, back to the subject.  Maybe that’s the proof that a man is straight, being horribly disgusted by his own penis.  It isn’t some sort of body disillusionment syndrome.  It’s the simply confusion over how women and gay men actually look at one and think, “boy, that’s one good looking penis, I’m going to put that inside my body”.  I mean, how bat shit crazy is that sentence by itself?  

I don’t think the reverse it true, though.  A woman’s vagina is a beautiful thing. (Most of them, let’s just exclude the ones hidden by fupa rolls or the ones that look like someone overstuffed an open faced pastrami reuben.)  I think that’s agreed upon by men and women. No one looks at a vagina and says “yuck”.  Take a look at a penis and you think someone made a miniature model of the worm where they hid the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars. 

It’s just baffling that for millennia people have been attracted to each other and women have evolved themselves enough to make their lady parts attractive all the way around and the best that men have done is decide that the turtleneck hoodie wasn’t working anymore.  Oh, and before some super awesome guy chimes in with a “hey man, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, my dick is huge and women love my big unit and they’re lucky to see it let alone touch it.”, let me just get out ahead of you and say, okay you’re the anomaly big man, enjoy your fleshlight.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The funniest aspect of Twitter.

I’ve made no secret of my love/hate relationship with Twitter.  Very simply, I like Twitter when I use it, and I hate everyone else that does. See? Simple enough.   Anyway, one of the funniest aspects that I find about Twitter is the obvious misconception people have that since they have the ability to technically communicate with everyone, it doesn’t mean that you can really communicate with everyone.  Lemme splain.

Michelle Beadle is on Twitter.  Michelle Beadle is the new poster child for every man’s fantasy woman.  In the span of a few months she’s dusted every other sports chick and reigns supreme as the queen of sports hot.  She’s to sports what Olivia Munn is to nerd culture.  Apparently, she broke her foot or something last night and posted a picture of herself in the hospital.  You can see for yourself at her feed: http://twitter.com/espn_michelle

Now, here’s the example of the comedy of Twitter.  Read the comments. How far did you get before you rolled your eyes?  Was it is “Love your pretty little feet?” or “be brave Prettiest One” or “even in a hospital your [sic] still beautiful”?

Let me clarify something for all the guys out there. NO WOMAN WILL LOOK AT YOUR TWITTER FEED AND DROP HER PANTIES FOR YOU. YOU’RE NOT THAT GREAT.  I highly doubt women are on twitter waiting for some clever guy in Cleveland whom she’s never met to tell her she looks beautiful and that is going to be her siren song to give up her life to come fuck you.  Maybe I’m wrong, I’ve never used Twitter as a dating medium.

All I’m saying is, the more of these comments you read and one-way interactions you see (God only knows how porn stars and Twitter have yet to combine their forces in the strangest episode of Captain Planet yet), the sadder it gets.  I can only imagine some guy sitting in front of his computer with his Twitter follower list full of women he’s never met as he’s messaging “your beautiful” (grammar error on purpose) hoping he gets one single ping back. 

Actually, I take it all back.  It isn’t funny at all.  Now that I’ve typed it all out, all these guys need is a hug and a hooker.  NEW CHARITY CREATED!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Michael Young wants out…is he wrong to do so?

Peace out, Arlington

So, this has been teased for the past few months now, and I think the acquisition of Beltre pretty much pushed him over the edge.  Michael Young is now saying he wants to be traded away from the Texas Rangers because he no longer trusts management.  Management says that he has simply changed his mind and decided he no longer wants to accept the everyday DH role.

I can see this from both sides, and I can see both sides having at least some ground to stand on. 

Michael Young is the face of the franchise.  For the past 11 years, he’s been here, toiling through the Texas heat, through Hicks, through John Hart, through Buck, you name it.  He’s maintained he wanted to be here, wanted to the the captain, wanted to be the face of the team.  He was active in the local community (as active as Dallas would let him be…remember, no one knew who the Rangers were until about August of 2010?).  He learned under A-Rod, moved for Elvis and never made a peep about being upset.  The club finally turns the corner, makes the historic run, and he’s asked to step further back from the limelight and become a DH.  Michael Young feels that the club has finally become what he hoped it would be, and now the club  no longer wants him. 

It’s like something out of a bad teen movie.  Guys dates girl who isn’t that hot, but is really great to be around. Girl discovers the gym and fashion and makeup. Girl becomes really hot and leaves the guy for greener pastures.  Guy feels heartbroken and left behind.  Michael Young feels jilted and is looking to nip it in the bud and leave early.

The Rangers, however, don’t exactly feel like Young is what he used to be.  He didn’t produce in the WS, and he was a liability at the hot corner.  If the Rangers brass feel like they are going to stay a competitor, they feel like Young is a liability that his 200 hits a season doesn’t really balance out.  It’s why they made the moves for Beltre and Napoli.  Either Mike Young gets on board or they trade him for what he’s worth.  Nolan Ryan and JD have proven that they’ll put the club in front of individual players every time.  It’s why Lee isn’t here.  It’s why CJ making outrageous demands next winter won’t be listened to.  It’s taking a “team first” philosophy and putting it before the “player first” mentality. 

As a fan, the question remains, what do we want to believe and see?  Do we want to see and believe in the players that have been there for US for 11 years?  Do we want to trust management that brought us *this* close to the promised land last year?  Do you trust the man in the laundry or the laundry itself? 

Monday, February 7, 2011

New Nicknames for Aaron Rodgers

A-Rod is stupid and A-Rodg is stupider.  We need some new nicknames for Aaron Rodgers. 

Given that the man’s a wrestling fan, let’s just rob and steal for him, shall we?

  1. The Nature Boy, Aaron Rodgers
  2. The Cheese Greater
  3. The Iron Cheese
  4. Aaron Adonis
  5. Big Wiggle Rodgers

Other possibilities;

  1. Gunslinger 2: Electric Boogaloo
  2. Ryan from The Office
  3. Aaron “Don’t call me Scott Stapp” Rodgers
  4. Aaron Rogders

Add yours in the comments.

So, what’d everyone watch last night?

Besides the obvious.

I watched “Big Fan” when I got home, and this is definitely a movie that I’d recommend to anyone who a) enjoys sports b) understands rabid sports fandom and c) listens to sports radio.   It’s streaming on NetFlix and it’s only about 1.5 hours.  It’s got Patton Oswalt and Michael Rapaport.  Why aren’t you leaving the blog and going to NetFlix to add this to your queue?

Anyway, I’m not going to give a full blown summary here, but Patton Oswalt plays a rabid New York Giants fan who’s favorite player is the team’s star linebacker.  He spends all day listening to the local sports radio station and is an avid caller to the late night show.  He gets his ass kicked by the team’s favorite player and spends the rest of the movie wrestling between whether he should press charges and hurt the Giants by suspending their best player, or if he, in the most literal sense, “take one for the team” and say nothing.

It’s a good movie and I highly recommend it.  If I’m way behind the times here, and everyone has already seen it, then I’m late the party and I want to talk about this and the final season of Lost. 

Oh, and the Super Bowl was last night.  The game was, I thought, great.  I couldn’t really tell what was going on because everyone around felt it was a social hour rather than a football game watching party. That’s not Carl B’s fault, I thought his house and setup was actually pretty ideal for the party and I had fun and enjoyed myself. I can tell you all about being pregnant, fashionable work pants and how awesome one of our friends is because he can totally tell the difference between Grey Goose and Ketel One and you’re totally a fag if you can’t do that…brah.  I can’t tell you of any masterful Joe Buck bon mots or Troy Aikman concussion moments.  I did have a direct view of the tv though, and for that, I thank you, Carl.