Count the Douchebag-ism

Here is a email from a friend of TB&TB. See if you can count and list all of the Douche bag-ism in it.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to feed my iguana before I run to the gym
for my legs day so I can work on my quads and listen to Randy Travis’ album
(which is totally sick, by the way) that just dropped on my iPod via my
DJ-sized, noise-canceling headphones and then help Susie out with her form
during her squats, followed by my Starbucks fix whilst I talk to Gruber on my
Bluetooth earpiece and wave on the guy on my right who clearly stopped after I
did. Then I need to stop at the ATM and pick up some coin for GNO at OTB
where I’ll order some pollo flautas, after which I’ll have to hurry up to Andy’s on the Square to show off my new going-out shirt, get my hand stamped and see
the opening band. It’s gonna be a fun night!

Cheers!

Here, I'll start with my fav. "pick up some coin" only douche bags say coin.

Also it would have been even nicer if he used the phrase "toothin" when talking about his blue tooth.

(it was J-Bizzle)

(don't act like your not surprised)

(he was totally kidding when he wrote it, he's not that much of a d-bag)

(or is he......?)

Maybe this will restore your faith in baseball

Hat tip: With Leather

Too often we look at the professional athlete and think, "man these guys are a bunch of spoiled, agent-fueled, media-scared robots that care only for money and don't have fun."

At least I find myself thinking that at times when I can damn near quote interview answers before they are given.

Then I read a story like this and I remember that these guys are really just a bunch of dudes who play a sport for a living, and they have fun doing it.

That's right. The stoic, Ranger-killing outfielder, Ichiro, is actually the Japanese Dave Chapelle.

“I know how important it is to the game,” Ichiro said. “I’m more concentrated at that moment than I am in the game.”

A wide grin spread across his face. Ichiro’s secret had been exposed, so, hey, why not have fun with it?

He crafts his public portrayal similar to the image he projects on the field: a technician, a warrior, a Ph.D. in stoicism. In reality, Ichiro’s All-Star teammates love him for his wicked sense of humor and sly deceit, shown with a vocabulary far more expansive than he leads on.

...

“If you’ve never seen it, it’s definitely something pretty funny,” Morneau said. “It’s hard to explain, the effect it has on everyone. It’s such a tense environment. Everyone’s a little nervous for the game, and then he comes out. He doesn’t say a whole lot the whole time he’s in there, and all of a sudden, the manager gets done with his speech, and he pops off.”

No Tiger doesn't mean no open

I know, with Tiger Woods out due to knee herpes, the world has seemingly turned its collective back on golf.

Not me.

This weekend marks the British Open, and, you guessed it, there's no stories and no buzz surrounding it. Most of the Americans not named Eldrick tend to suck in Scotland. Remember, links courses aren't like the U.S. Open...they don't trick shit up on purpose, they let the elements do that for them. Howling winds and sand traps that are more like craters...usually some rain for good measure.

If you want the tournament to be interesting, you'd better hope the rain picks up and the wind is tornadic, otherwise it's just going to be drive the green and putt putt putt.

My pick to win: Geoff Ogilvy. Tremendous ball striker who's fairly good at everything else.

Lets make this happen

Browns right. He's a man beast. Best thing to happen to Rangers Baseball in a long time. He already has a big fan base that will only get bigger after last night. All big time fan bases need a cool name to call themselves. He is no different.

So with that....



I am now a HamelTOE.

Lets make this name stick. For all us HamelTOEs out there.

Number 2 in the Derby, Number 1 in Your Heart

I think I speak for most Texas Rangers fans when I say...

Holy. Jesus. Santa. Baby. God.

On this, the slowest sports day of the year...

...we turn to YouTube.

Courtesy of your friends, Ben and Skin, via their Boogie Spot Blog.

The Jedi Gym

"Don't act!"

Does my umbrella protect me from fire in the sky?

Hat tip: Tirico Suave

In relation to Big's post earlier today, I'm going to have to say that I think the world might just be ending.

Stephen A. Smith has made a salient point...and I agree.

God's on an All-Star Break as well, because I'll be damned if this shit isn't supposed to happen. Next think you know, Skip Bayless might start hanging out with Hip Hop stars.

SON OF A BITCH!

Please don't jinx the Rangers because of this

Okay, so it's a well known fact around these parts that I have an irrational fear of the "jinx factor". Seriously, I know everything there is to know about Texas Longhorn sports, but if you ask me I won't say a word because I'm afraid of jinxing my team.

That's why you didn't see many Mavs posts from me during the stretch run that counted. That's why you haven't seen any Rangers posts from me so far. The Rangers are doing well, and I don't want to ruin that.

With that in mind, it's the All-Star Break, so I thought maybe I could slip a post in and the Sports Gods wouldn't notice...

---

How your Texas Rangers match up with the cast of "Major League"

=

Jake Taylor = Milton Bradley

Jake Taylor's the beaten up, old, cast off catcher that the league has forgotten. He's still got the ability to play, but he's got a bad repuation now (his for injuries) and no one in the league's giving him a chance. He gets his chance and leads the team and is a great teammate.

Milton Bradley's an MLB cast off that the league has forgotten as well. He's got a bad reputation (him for being crazy), but he's not been given a chance by anyone. Since getting his chance, Bradley's been a leader on the team and is kicking tail.

=
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn = C.J. Wilson

Both are pitchers. Both depend on a fastball that just flies and doesn't really move. Both are better known for being "that guy you'd sure like to party with". Both have control issues. I think this was a no-brainer.

=
Roger Dorn = Michael Young

The "All Star" on the team who seems like he might be more interested in how his future financial prospects are going as opposed to playing. When on the field, has the tendency to "ole" balls at short. When actually fired up to play, not gonna find one better. By the way, this is Dorn from the first movie, not the bumbling idiot from the second. (I refuse to admit the third one happened, regardless of Bakula.)

=
Rachel Phelps = Tom Hicks

I'd say this one explains itself...I just hope the Rangers aren't using a nude picture of Tom Hicks and are removing pieces of clothing after a win.

=
Lou Brown = Ron Washington

They're both managers. They kind of sound alike. I'm pretty sure Ron Washington could be found selling tires just as easily as managing a baseball team.

=
Willie Mays Hayes = Ian Kinsler

Speedy lead off hitters. Look like they play just because they enjoy playing the game. High range factors. I'm talking about Wesley Snipes and not "Black Thunder" Mike Tomlin.

=
Charlie Donovan = Nolan Ryan

Doesn't really have a lot of power in the front office. Really just there so fans can see an old player. Likes to hang out and reminisce with the guys.

=
Eddie Harris = Kevin Millwood

Kevin Millwood isn't exactly old, but with the way he's been pitching lately this seemed like a fair comparison. First of all, he seems like a guy who would utter the phrase "you tellin' me Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?" Second, he seems like a guy who's hiding Vagisil, Ben-Gay, Vaseline and pepper juice all over his body.

=
Pedro Cerrano = "Max Damage" Josh Hamilton

"If joo lookin fo da leetle home runh hittah..." All Power. All Bad Ass. Probably sacrifices chickens in the club house to a) divert his cocaine hunger and b) get more power.

=
Harry Doyle = Josh Lewin

Yes, Josh Lewin is on television. No, Josh Llewyn does not have the voice of Bob Uecker. However, the enthusiasm that Lewin has on the smallest thing that happens in a game, just seems like a great comparison. However, if I had to guess, I'd say that TAG is the one getting drunk in the booth.

Well, it needs to be done.

Ugh.

Look, very few things beat me down with sports talk and coverage worse than the off season drama that places like the WWL or SportsIllistrated or even Fox Sports shove down our throats during the off season of sports. Whether it be the mindless and seemingly endless talk of Barry Bonds and his Horse Drugs, or whether or not there should be a college football post season tourney, it always seems to me that every year something gets just grabbed hold of and the people that "report" sports do nothing but beat us down with it.

This year, as the same as last year, and the year before that, we have been over saturated with a country bumpkin named Brett Favre. If you haven't heard about his whole ordeal yet, your probably living under a rock. The story is interesting only slightly to me, and since the whole effing world is talking about it, I'm going to give you my two cents, just this once, and won't talk about it again till training camp starts.

All right here goes my take.

Favre is the "christian good girl" that you pick up at a bar. She's a little drunk and wants some sex, but hey, she's a good girl and she is going to make you work for it. She wants you to buy her drinks, and her friends drinks and sit with her, and hold her hand, and tell her how pretty she is. You think "man this sucks, but this girl is so fine, I'll put with this crap just to get her home, I know she'll be just banging in the sack." You get her home, and despite her always saying "I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl" she is banging in the sack.

Next time at the bar you see her again. She wants you to do the same thing again, buy the drinks, hold the hand, sit with her, pamper her, then you get her home and its good, but not nearly as good as last time.

A few night later you see this other chick at the bar, and she is fine, but not a dime piece, like the good girl. She is a little frumpy and her hair is kinda crazy, but she has potential. You talk to her and you find out she is one cool ass chick. You start putting the moves on her and getting her set up so you can take her home tonight, but then in walks the good girl. Instantly she starts making you buy her drinks, and wants to hold your hand, you keep looking over the frumpy girl, but you can't do any thing because you know if the good girl goes home with anybody else you'll feel like a punk. You do all the things the good girls wants you to do, but you start thinking if the booty is really that good?

A few nights later the good girl says she's done with you and that she doesn't need you around her anymore. Part of you is sad, because you know that girl was the shit, for all her faults, you know that for the rest of your life you may never have a better piece of ass, and for a brief moment you were the king of the world. But now, the bar scene is a little different, but kind of exciting again. Then the frumpy girl walks in, and you remember how much potential you saw in her, and behind her is young chick, who has all the right assets to become another dime piece, but isn't there yet.

You start talking to these two laddies, getting ready to take the frumpy girl home for a shot in the dark to see what she is really made of, and you laid the ground work with the young chick incase frumpy doesn't work out you could give her a shot.

All of the sudden in walks the good girl again. And she wants to hold hands, and be a couple "one last time."

So what do you do?

Do you go with the girl who made you famous and will probably be the best POA that you will ever get in your life? The one that took you to the top of the mountain in everybody eyes, and when your with her, people love you, and say "look there that super couple, I love them."

Or do you go with the frumpy girl and young chick? Frumpy already said if you go home with good girl, you can forget about every getting with me.

What do you do?

What
do
you
do
?

(Credits=
You - Green Bay Packers
Good Girl - Bret Favre
Frumpy Girl - Aaron Rodgers
Young Chick - Brain Bhrom)

Quick note to all P1's out there...

For any Ticket listener who has any ongoing intrigue or interest in the story of Greg "the Hammer" Williams and his departure from the station, take a look at Richie Witt's article in the Dallas Observer.

Story Link

Holy shit, 1987 was more than 20 years ago.

It doesn't dawn on you how long ago it was until you flip on ESPN Classic and see something from that year.

That being said, I was flipping channels last night and came across ESPN Classic's presentation of some old AWA Championship Wrestling. The two guys wrestling? Curt Hennig and Scott Hall.

You all might remember these guys as "Mr. Perfect" (Hennig) and "Razor Ramon" (Hall) in the WWF boom of the late 1980's and early 1990's.

Curt Hennig has probably looked the same since he was born, so he wasn't that hard to recognize. The only difference was that he was much much smaller, so he obviously hadn't hit the juice (the guy died from steroids a few years ago.)

What blew my mind was Scott Hall. First of all, they billed him as "Big Scott Hall"...very original Verne Gagne, very original. Anyway, because I always remember Hall partnering with Nash or going against the 1-2-3 Kid or Shawn Michaels, it never really dawned on me that he's actualy 6'7"...not only that, but he hadn't become a raging alcoholic yet.

I thought I was watching Rick Rood and not Scott Hall.

Here's what these guys looked like in their WWE glory days (as you rememeber them)...

Hall (left) and Hennig (right) in their glory days

And here's how they looked on that AWA show...

Ambiguously Gay Duo

This post probably doesn't mean anything to anyone that isn't me, Brown or Blogador, but I damn sure thought it was interesting. Then again, I guess if you took a picture of me in 1987 and a picture of me now, I'd look pretty effing different too...

I think I've seen this movie before

So...if you're Aaron Rodgers, how do you feel right now?

• You've been annointed the starting quarterback for the city's and fans' beloved football team.
• The front office supports you, but everyone else really really wants the other guy to come back.
  
• The other guy is saying, "boy, I bet I could still come back and wouldn't mind doing so."
  
• Your teammates are okay with you, but if you really asked them, they want the old guy back.
  
• You've shown flashes of brilliance, but they've always been overshadowed by an injury or the memory of the other guy's heroics.
  
• People are waiting for the guy that just got brought in behind you (Brohm).

Sound familiar?

Aaron Rodgers is the Chris Simms of the Green Bay Packers.

Take it from me, someone who was at Texas during the whole debacle. Aaron Rodgers, step away now. Demand a trade to Carolina, Tampa, Chicago, or Minnesota.

To this day, I hate Chris Simms. Did he really do anything to deserve it (short of sucking)? No. If anything, my ire should be directed towards Mack for promoting Simms over Applewhite. But no, I blame Chris Simms.

That's my point. Green Bay will NEVER, EVER accept Aaron Rodgers. They'll forgive Thompson and McCarthy if they can turn around with Brohm and win something, but Rodgers will forever be "that guy" to them.

Ask Brian Griese how Denver was. Ask Jay Feely how Miami was. Ask Q-Car has Dallas was. Take all three and multiply it by 1000 for Green Bay.

The whole situation is just set up for Rodgers to fail, and he'll be billed as a failure faster than Joey Harrington. Walk away now, and let Green Bay enjoy the guy they really want at quarterback.


I guess if nothing else, Rodgers can be sacked in the end zone very athletically and the guy who sacked him will be thought of as the greatest safety ever even though he really sucks. Then, some team will keep on giving him money even though everyone realizes just how shitty he is, and then that guy will try and revert back to his old number with the hopes that maybe people will think he's still relevant...right Roy Williams?

I'd have gone with Vicente Padilla, but this works

Milton Bradley, Rangers outfielder and bona fide crazy man, has a blog.

(I knew these things would catch on...)

Anyway, Milton's first post describes a game of bones that they boys were playing in the clubhouse during the Baltimore series...oh yeah, and how he found out he made the All-Star team.

"Ron Washington was standing over my shoulder talking trash like he always does and had everybody laughing hysterically when he asked me to come see him in his office for a minute.

I dropped everything and headed to his office wondering: “What have I done now?”

He gave me the news and a congratulatory hug, with a smile, but told me to keep the news quiet until it was officially announced. "

Kind of boring, but give it some time. He'll provide what you need.

By the way, you think he ever kicks himself for not assuming the name "The Game".

Get it?

Milton Bradley? The Game?

God damn it, that's funny and you fucking know it.

I think the QB left him out to dry

So, I swear we aren't turning into a MMA site, but our favorite MMA fighter Kimbo Slice is effing greatness. He used to be a football player ya know, here watch what he can do in pads.



In case you're wondering, MoneyTalks is a porn site. Half bangbus half Jackass. Don't ask me how I know that. Kimbo used to be/is one of their body guards.

H/T KSK

(its a fun porn site)

Mark it, championship

Bummed about Browns post about the Mav's? Well don't you worry your little head,Your Dallas mavs just offered a deal to good Ol JJ .

Ohh yes, J. J. Barrea, the pride of Northeastern, is getting something along the lines of 4 mill over the next 3 years to back up Jason Kidd.

Great.

Here we come NBA finials.

The Champ is here

As my good friend Brown stated earlier in one of his posts, I had a pretty good weekend. And all in all, the weekend was pretty good for sports too. You have the Williams sisters in a Wimbledon Final, i think the men played too, the Rangers have 4 All Stars, and there was a UFC title fight on sat as well.

Now, we had a fantastic party this sat that lasted all damn night, that plus the fact that I was "that guy" at the party also ment we didn't get to watch the UFC fight. Totally was going too, but then i got a chance to do a little ground and pound of my own(ok, that's the last time I'll reference it). I've now read up, and watched clips, and all that good stuff, and I'm a little pissed I missed this fight.

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Forrest Griffin fought for the world light heavyweight strap and had an instant classic. It went all five rounds, and Griffin won via unanimous decision to become the new Light Heavyweight champ.

I was surprised, and a little mad, as I wanted Jackson to retain his title, and fight Machida next, then get the rematch with the Iceman late next year. Ohh well, i guess we can look forward to Griffin vs Liddell or one of these match ups in about 9 months.

With the light heavyweight division so stacked (as many as 6 guys can challenge for the title, and win it) i hope it doesn't lessen the excitement about UFC.

(btw, I'm still the wing man dejour)

What the hell are the Mavericks doing?

Rick Carlisle, Gerald Green, DeSagana Diop, Shan Foster

Folks, THAT is what your Dallas Mavericks have done this offseason.

I get it, Mark Cuban and Donnie Nelson love their team, and think that they have what it takes to make a legitimate Championship run.

I, however, disagree.

This team is not playing in the Eastern conference. They play in the West, where there really aren't many shitty teams. Every other game is a game that matters. Shit, we were talking must-wins back in February and March!! A 50 win season isn't enough to merit any consideration in the post season!

I'm coming around on the Rick Carlisle hire. He's said what he needs to say to get me on board that he's the right guy. However, I was never in the camp that that Avery Johnson was the sole reason for the Finals debacle and the past two years. Carlisle's a "players coach" now. Great. Let me know how that's going to solidify the 2 or the 5.

Gerald Green. Well, the Mavericks have a dunk contest entry. Whoop-a-dee-doo!

Gana Diop. I'm perfectly okay with bringing Diop back. I'm NOT okay with blowing the entire MLE on it. $5.5 million? Really? The Mavs are going to tie up $16 million a year in two centers that are going to get them a 12 and 6 line on an average night?

Shan Foster. Probably the best thing the Mavericks could have done at the 51st pick. I would have really liked to have seen them move up to get Douglas-Roberts or even really move up to get Arthur in the late first. That being said, Foster could develop into the player the Mavericks need to grow.

The Mavericks have got to be working on a deal to bring someone here. I'd love to see Maggette in Dallas, but it won't happen...though I still can't see why not. I can't think of anything the Mavericks really have to offer as legitimate trading chips. If the Mavericks find themselves deep behind the Hornets and Spurs, they have to see what Dirk or Kidd's contract can get them on the market.

The Rangers are just above 500, but that's a great thing because their coming up and have a future. The Mavericks are just avove 500, and that's a terrible thing because there is no room for growth and things are on the decline.

Why you won't hear from Big today

Sexy Readers, you won't be hearing from your favorite portly blogger today (maybe).

Why's that, you might be asking yourself.

Well, America's favorite Wingman got to play the other role on Saturday, and he's still reeling from the side effects.

That's right, America. Big was fully engrossed in a mouth to mouth royal rumble for about 8 hours in front of everyone.

The only reason I feel this is post worthy is because Big likes to pose himself as the eternal wingman, always a bridesmaid and never the bride. This proves that Big chooses to shun the social formalities of the wingman and goes and gets himself some on his own.

So, think a good thought for the pool cleaners or anyone who might have jumped in after he was done.

P.S. I'm not sure why I need to clarify here, but yes, Big did hook up with a woman.

In honor of our favorite Cowboy corner...

65 Things that Look like Pac-Man

Pac-Man is right up with Mario, Link, Sonic and Bonk as video game icons. Don't act like you don't know who Bonk is, that son of a bitch MADE the Turbo Grafix 16. Anyway, Justin Towell over at Games Radar has put together a compilation of 65 everyday things that resemble Pac-Man in our daily lives.

Enjoy.

Might I add, at number 66...

The Brown Five - 07/07/08 - Remember this bit?

Shit there's way too much going on, so I'm going to pull an old favorite out of the hat...

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) The King is dead. Long live the King.
I was very drunk on Saturday. Very. That being said, I was able to drag my ass out of bed a few hours after sleeping to turn on the television for the Wimbledon final between, surprise surprise, Federer and Nadal. As a former tennis player, I was blown away at how amazing this match was. Amazing. By the way, Federer is 26 and Nadal is 22...expect this for a long time to come. I'm thinking that the PGA really needs to find Nadal to Tiger's Federer. Lefty ain't it. Sergio ain't it. Els nor Goosen are it. Someone...

2) Wait, he still wants to play?
Brett Favre, apparently, wants to come back. Green Bay, apparently, doesn't want him to come back. I think that Green Bay is right. They have to move on. The fans have accepted it, and Aaron Rodgers (or Brian Brohm) are going to be the future. Bringing him back is like getting back together with your crazy ex. Your friends liked her, but you knew she was bat shit crazy, but you do it because the sex was great, and your friends would give you shit if you didn't.

3) Seattle caves, makes Brown's shit list of cities
This bothers me because I happen to love the city of Seattle. It's a really great place to go if you haven't been. That being said, the chicken shit move of kowtowing to Clay Bennett? God damn it. After 41 years, Kevin Durant and the Seattle Sonics will be playing in America's ass hole, Oklahoma City...and it didn't even require the city being destroyed by a hurricane. Clay Bennett, welcome to wonderful world of Art Modell. Cock pouch.

4) Two, count 'em, two Ranger starters
Josh Hamilton and Milton Bradley will be representing the Texas Rangers in the outfield and DH, respectively, at the All Star game this year. Kinsler and Young are reserves. I haven't said much about it because if you don't know me, I fear the jinx, but the Rangers are coming around. We've sat through years of crap, but now you can see a lot of young guys, both on the roster and coming up. Pitching has always been an issue, but similar to the 1990's, cobbling together a pitching staff around a good bunch of clubhouse guys is much easier than doing it around a bunch of shit.

5) A-Rod gets divorced
If it has to do with Kaballah, you'll see Big do a dance. Why? He gets to blame the Jews for something new.