The Champ is here

As my good friend Brown stated earlier in one of his posts, I had a pretty good weekend. And all in all, the weekend was pretty good for sports too. You have the Williams sisters in a Wimbledon Final, i think the men played too, the Rangers have 4 All Stars, and there was a UFC title fight on sat as well.

Now, we had a fantastic party this sat that lasted all damn night, that plus the fact that I was "that guy" at the party also ment we didn't get to watch the UFC fight. Totally was going too, but then i got a chance to do a little ground and pound of my own(ok, that's the last time I'll reference it). I've now read up, and watched clips, and all that good stuff, and I'm a little pissed I missed this fight.

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Forrest Griffin fought for the world light heavyweight strap and had an instant classic. It went all five rounds, and Griffin won via unanimous decision to become the new Light Heavyweight champ.

I was surprised, and a little mad, as I wanted Jackson to retain his title, and fight Machida next, then get the rematch with the Iceman late next year. Ohh well, i guess we can look forward to Griffin vs Liddell or one of these match ups in about 9 months.

With the light heavyweight division so stacked (as many as 6 guys can challenge for the title, and win it) i hope it doesn't lessen the excitement about UFC.

(btw, I'm still the wing man dejour)

What the hell are the Mavericks doing?

Rick Carlisle, Gerald Green, DeSagana Diop, Shan Foster

Folks, THAT is what your Dallas Mavericks have done this offseason.

I get it, Mark Cuban and Donnie Nelson love their team, and think that they have what it takes to make a legitimate Championship run.

I, however, disagree.

This team is not playing in the Eastern conference. They play in the West, where there really aren't many shitty teams. Every other game is a game that matters. Shit, we were talking must-wins back in February and March!! A 50 win season isn't enough to merit any consideration in the post season!

I'm coming around on the Rick Carlisle hire. He's said what he needs to say to get me on board that he's the right guy. However, I was never in the camp that that Avery Johnson was the sole reason for the Finals debacle and the past two years. Carlisle's a "players coach" now. Great. Let me know how that's going to solidify the 2 or the 5.

Gerald Green. Well, the Mavericks have a dunk contest entry. Whoop-a-dee-doo!

Gana Diop. I'm perfectly okay with bringing Diop back. I'm NOT okay with blowing the entire MLE on it. $5.5 million? Really? The Mavs are going to tie up $16 million a year in two centers that are going to get them a 12 and 6 line on an average night?

Shan Foster. Probably the best thing the Mavericks could have done at the 51st pick. I would have really liked to have seen them move up to get Douglas-Roberts or even really move up to get Arthur in the late first. That being said, Foster could develop into the player the Mavericks need to grow.

The Mavericks have got to be working on a deal to bring someone here. I'd love to see Maggette in Dallas, but it won't happen...though I still can't see why not. I can't think of anything the Mavericks really have to offer as legitimate trading chips. If the Mavericks find themselves deep behind the Hornets and Spurs, they have to see what Dirk or Kidd's contract can get them on the market.

The Rangers are just above 500, but that's a great thing because their coming up and have a future. The Mavericks are just avove 500, and that's a terrible thing because there is no room for growth and things are on the decline.

Why you won't hear from Big today

Sexy Readers, you won't be hearing from your favorite portly blogger today (maybe).

Why's that, you might be asking yourself.

Well, America's favorite Wingman got to play the other role on Saturday, and he's still reeling from the side effects.

That's right, America. Big was fully engrossed in a mouth to mouth royal rumble for about 8 hours in front of everyone.

The only reason I feel this is post worthy is because Big likes to pose himself as the eternal wingman, always a bridesmaid and never the bride. This proves that Big chooses to shun the social formalities of the wingman and goes and gets himself some on his own.

So, think a good thought for the pool cleaners or anyone who might have jumped in after he was done.

P.S. I'm not sure why I need to clarify here, but yes, Big did hook up with a woman.

In honor of our favorite Cowboy corner...

65 Things that Look like Pac-Man

Pac-Man is right up with Mario, Link, Sonic and Bonk as video game icons. Don't act like you don't know who Bonk is, that son of a bitch MADE the Turbo Grafix 16. Anyway, Justin Towell over at Games Radar has put together a compilation of 65 everyday things that resemble Pac-Man in our daily lives.

Enjoy.

Might I add, at number 66...

The Brown Five - 07/07/08 - Remember this bit?

Shit there's way too much going on, so I'm going to pull an old favorite out of the hat...

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) The King is dead. Long live the King.
I was very drunk on Saturday. Very. That being said, I was able to drag my ass out of bed a few hours after sleeping to turn on the television for the Wimbledon final between, surprise surprise, Federer and Nadal. As a former tennis player, I was blown away at how amazing this match was. Amazing. By the way, Federer is 26 and Nadal is 22...expect this for a long time to come. I'm thinking that the PGA really needs to find Nadal to Tiger's Federer. Lefty ain't it. Sergio ain't it. Els nor Goosen are it. Someone...

2) Wait, he still wants to play?
Brett Favre, apparently, wants to come back. Green Bay, apparently, doesn't want him to come back. I think that Green Bay is right. They have to move on. The fans have accepted it, and Aaron Rodgers (or Brian Brohm) are going to be the future. Bringing him back is like getting back together with your crazy ex. Your friends liked her, but you knew she was bat shit crazy, but you do it because the sex was great, and your friends would give you shit if you didn't.

3) Seattle caves, makes Brown's shit list of cities
This bothers me because I happen to love the city of Seattle. It's a really great place to go if you haven't been. That being said, the chicken shit move of kowtowing to Clay Bennett? God damn it. After 41 years, Kevin Durant and the Seattle Sonics will be playing in America's ass hole, Oklahoma City...and it didn't even require the city being destroyed by a hurricane. Clay Bennett, welcome to wonderful world of Art Modell. Cock pouch.

4) Two, count 'em, two Ranger starters
Josh Hamilton and Milton Bradley will be representing the Texas Rangers in the outfield and DH, respectively, at the All Star game this year. Kinsler and Young are reserves. I haven't said much about it because if you don't know me, I fear the jinx, but the Rangers are coming around. We've sat through years of crap, but now you can see a lot of young guys, both on the roster and coming up. Pitching has always been an issue, but similar to the 1990's, cobbling together a pitching staff around a good bunch of clubhouse guys is much easier than doing it around a bunch of shit.

5) A-Rod gets divorced
If it has to do with Kaballah, you'll see Big do a dance. Why? He gets to blame the Jews for something new.

Sports Trip, watching the christians fight the lions

We make no apology's for watching professional wrestling here at TB&TB. We love it. The storeys, the athletes, the history, its all good to us. Contrary to popular thought, we also know its a show with predetermined outcomes, and that people are playing parts that aren't really them. We know the Undertaker is really just a big dude named Mark. We know that John Cena and HHH probably have a beer with each other after the show. We get it.

This last week I had the opportunity to go to the latest WWE PPV, Night of Champions, in person, as it was at the AAC here in Dallas. I work part time for a radio station, and i called in a few favors to score some tickets from them, and went with a buddy from the station who wanted to go but not by himself.

First off i felt kinda bad, Brown was my wwe watching buddy, and I know he wanted to be there, but we only had 2 tickets, so I just rolled with it. This buddy of mine from the station comes and meets me and we roll. First point of duty is to find out what kind of wrestling fan he was. Was he a "blind believer?" The kind of person who still thinks its a game of who's the better man, not who's getting the bigger push, or was he like us, enjoys it for what it is, a bunch of supremely gifted athletes, acting out fight scenes, entertaining the crowd. He was one of us, and after a few test questions i knew we were going to have a good time.

Now, I've been to see wrestling live before, 3 times with the big boys, and countless times at local promotions. The local promotion of choice is XCW, a wrestling brand in Denton Texas, that was once held in an office buildeing. Its "extreme" as most small promotions are, and its BYOB/C/W. (beer, chairs, and weapons). I'll expand on XCW on another post, as it deserves its own, but I just wanted to point out, its for adults, its got cursing and blood, and stuff like that.

Now the 3 Big Boy shows I've been too are as such, WCW Nitro, 1998 summertime in San Antonio, WCW Houseshow, 2000 Bell County Expo Center, and Wrestlemania X7, 2001 Houston. The Nitro was fun, i remember going to it with UntiQM, saw Goldberg beat up the giant, but don't remember much else, the House show i didn't remember anything at all except Booker T for some reason(i think i was thinking too much about getting laid afterward from the lady) and the wrestlemania, again that's a whole nother story, but we sat REAL far away, and were REAL hungover.

All three of those things also happened when i was still in my teens, so the memory of those has been clouded by malted hops and bong resin. This last weekend was the first time I've been to a big show like this as an adult, and was able to just take it in.

This is my experience.

First off, we had amazing seats. We were on row J, That's 10 rows up from the floor, so i could have easily punted a football and cleared the ring. Unlike the Wrestlemania show, where we sat on top of the Titian Tron, I was on the opposite side of it, so I could see all the replays and promo's and what have not.

The first thing I want to talk about is the crowd. I now know why wrestler's put their bodys on the line day in and day out, its the crowd. I have never, and I've been to mav's playoff games in Reunion Arena(loudest place ever), and i do mean i have NEVER heard a crowd this loud, but not all the time. Its not a cheering just to cheer, they cheer their people, and boo the ones they don't like. This really must have been what the crowds were like at the Colosseum, when the gladiators did battle. Each offense move from the well liked baby faces was met with such cheering that i don't know how the wrestlers aren't smiling constantly. And the thing that makes this so surreal is the fact that you can't here the play by play guys, just the crowd and the wrestlers.

The crowd also reminded me of why i love the "sport." I have evolved over the years as a wrestling fan, from a child when I believed it was all real, to the point that I am now, I can admire the show for what it is, a show. Much like CSI, or My Name is Earl, its only out there to entertain. But being at the show and seeing the way the kids reacted to the wrestlers was so refreshing. A little girl near me, who couldn't have been older than 5, almost started crying when Mickie James came out, she was so excited. And as i left the area, I saw several young fans crying that John Cena didn't win.

All and all the experience made me proud to be a wrestling fan. The show was fantastic, and wrestlers performed at a high level, and the fans were loud and proud.

My name is Big, and I love wrestling.

Guess who's back?

Oh. My. God.

Adam Jones seeks to claim the name "Pacman" from...Adam Jones

Orioles center fielder, Adam Jones, wants to be called Pacman.

Why? Because he thinks he's too nice and wants a reputation for being a little harder.

“It’s a perception thing,” said Jones, who has frequently been referred to by the Baltimore media as “accountable” “humble,” and “morally upstanding.” “Things just can’t keep going on like this. I’m not proud of the way I’ve behaved since breaking into the league, and the new name is meant to signify the changes I know I have to make.”

This season, Jones is the only player on the Orioles roster to play in every single game, a feat largely attributable to his behavior off the field. He is known to head straight home after games, eschew alcohol in favor of fruit juice, and bring his wife and childhood sweetheart, Pamela with him on every road trip.

“It’s hard to be around him sometimes,” said teammate Aubrey Huff. “Last month after a game in Texas, I brought a stripper into the clubhouse. She was really hot, and a bunch of us broke out some body paint and were decorating her ass. Adam just kinda sat there at his locker, looking at the floor, blushing. It was really awkward.”

Of course this is a bit written up by the Bugs and Cranks guys, but I sure laughed.

Ohh if I were Gay, or a world class sprinter, I'd be pissed!

Let me take you through your morning. You wake up, maybe make yourself a pot of coffee, go brush your teeth, stretch out, head over to your desk, flip on sports center, fire up your lap top, and head over to One News Now to get your morning news, christian style. You look at the screen, and a question forms in your brain as you look at the following?

A Homosexual runs a wind aided 9.68 in the 100? What was he running to, a sale at the Gap?

Unless your a part of the sports world, or gearing up for the Olympics(hello Olympic Big), then you may find this strange, but the web site was actually talking not about a Gay man running the 100, but a man named Gay. Tyson Gay is an Olympic sprinter for the USA, and very straight, as far as I know.

The Website, which is focused on bringing you the news with a christian flavor, has a "automatic filter" that turns the word "Gay" into far less hurtful(?) "homosexual." Makes you wonder what else they have auto filters for?

Either way, I'm sure Tyson, who is going to be one of the main storeys of the Olympics this August, had a little part of him die this morning when he heard about this. Its hard enough to have your last name be Gay, but this? Sucks.

H/T : Fanhouse.

Got plans for tomorrow night?

Apparently, based on the post below this, Big and I are going to watch "Sex and the City" and get manicures and go bag shopping.

However, if you're not gay spies like us, then you might want to check this out.

Josh Howard, high as a kite? Check.

Marquis Daniels, looking sleepier than T-Mac? Check.

Dallas "babes"? Check.

DJ Bay Bay and DJ Ski? Check.

Chance to sex up J.J. Barea and Pops Mensah-Bonsu? Check.

We be some bitches

I found a site the other day that you guys might find interesting. The site is called Gender Genie.
The basics of the site is simple, you put in a block of texts, and they put it through some crazy program, and then its spits out whether or not your a dude or a chick.

Interested? I'm sure you are. Here are our numbers for the peeps on this site.

Big
Words: 1276
Female Score: 2646
Male Score: 1976
%57 Female

brown
Words: 443
Female Score: 838
Male Score: 371
69% Female

blogadore
Words: 309
Female Score: 327
Male Score: 387
54% Male

sherp
Words: 2144
Female Score: 2809
Male Score: 3037
51% Male

sir arther
Words: 732
Female Score: 854
Male Score: 1261
59% Male

bear
Words: 643
Female Score: 1165
Male Score: 879
56% Female

gerry
Words: 299
Female Score: 199
Male Score: 309
60% Male

UnitQM
Words: 140
Female Score: 141
Male Score: 147
51% Male

Congrats to Gerry, he writes for Uncle Rico by the way, and by far our most common commenter, for being the most manly writer.

Our own Brown came in number one with 69% Female. I would make fun of him but I'm in second.

All this really proves is something we already know, We be some bitches.

Big and Brown Ready for a night on the Town

(they Call me big for my breats)

Is Bill Simmons back?

If you don't know who Bill Simmons is, then you're probably only reading this site because you've slept with me or shared a meal with Big. Possibly vise versa...how's my ass taste? But I digress.

(Wow, what a terrible start to a post...)

Anyway, Bill Simmons is often thought of as the foremost sports blogger. He's like Lombardi or Walsh. He's been writing for ESPN for a while now, and pretty much been the anchor for the Page 2 concept. Most noticeable for Boston centric themes and constant references to "pop culture" (Karate Kid movies and other Zabka movies).

Somewhere over the past few years, however, his columns have become pretty useless drivel and just annoying. Just like our site, it seemed that he was simply sharing an inside joke the entire time with his buddies. Difference is, his columns were read by anyone who visits ESPN and not by 3 people in the DFW metroplex (thanks for reading us!).

It had gotten to the point where I wouldn't even read his columns anymore, and Simmons became subject to the rest of the sports blogosphere's taunts and whips. However, things seemed to have changed.

Be it the addition of Reilly at ESPN, or some other type of dispute, Simmons has taken his columns in a new direction. Almost as if his actions and mentality is a giant "go fuck yourself" to ESPN. Former ESPN guys like Dan Shanoff even claim that Simmons is the only one who can push the limits, so he tests them. Simmons has even gone so far as to re-establish a new blog site where he puts up some of his classic posts from before he was at ESPN.

Anyway, Simmons might have finally broken through and regained his credibility in one fell swoop. The Deadspin post. Read the comments and you can almost see peoples' heads shaking as if they can't believe it. Reading his draft diary today, he opens by taking a bunch of shots at ESPN personalities.

The point I'm making is that Simmons has been on the decline recently, and it's good to see that he realized it and has now swung back the other direction.

Bravo, Simmons. Bravo.

Sometimes I wish I was funny

If you haven't seen the famous Stephen A. Smith heckling videos from the Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen, then you're missing out on one of the most genius and hilarious ideas ever.

With that in mind, I refer you to this year's entry.

Highlights:

- "Et tu, Bilas?"

-"O.J. Mayo, did you find the real killers?"

-"Jerryd Bayless do you think you're better than Skip Bayless?"

-Kevin Love referring to the epic cheezy doodles video.

-"You could be the best forward since Slava Medvedenko, and your brother could be the second best since Slava Medvedenko." (I almost spit out coffee at that one)

Your Newest Dallas Maverick

I am a draft dork. I make no excuses for that. Last night was the NBA draft, and man it was pretty boring. The Mav's only had one pick, number 51, and at this point, only 6 guys under contract for next year. You thinking what I'm thinking? With the way the team rolled up last season, looking all old and with out fire, wouldn't you think a trade up to get somebody that can infuse this team with some life would be a good idea? I don't know, maybe somebody with some slashing ability, who can make the back cuts, the front cuts, the salad cuts, and give J. Kidd someone to play along side that wasn't just a pull up shooter? That seems wise to me.

Let me introduce to you

Shan Foster 6-5 195lbs SG Vanderbilt

That's who we took at 51. Here is what Chad Ford of ESPN says about the guy.

"Foster is a great shooter, but one-dimensional. A poor Orlando pre-draft camp hurt his stock."

A great shooter, but one-dimensional. GREAT! They got the right position, as the 2 guard was the weakest point in our lineup, but this team already has a couple jump shooting 2's named Terry, Stackhouse, and even Eddie Jones's old ass.

This is actually not the first time I've talked about Foster on this blog. Its true he was the best player on a decent team from the SEC, and that's got to go for something, but I think Skin last night said it best, if we are talking about a 2nd round pick getting major playing time, we need to blow the damn thing up and start rebuilding.

One more thing that bothered me to pieces about this draft in respect of the mav's, when you see 3 guys that could really help your team fall out of the top 20, (Arther, CDR, and Super Nintendo Chalmers) don't you have to at least try to move up and get them? I don't' know what it would have cost, maybe just money, maybe this years and next years second rounder(that's all Seattle gave up to Detroit to get the 28th pick), I don't know, but I hope they at least tryed.

NBA Draft, where amazing, ahh fuck it

So the NBA draft is tonight. As brown pointed out there is some fantastic watching for nothing else other than the suits, the drinking game of sock phrases, and of course its the only place where you can see both gansta ass dudes with their moms in their Sunday best, sweating profusely, and crying, and the awkward euro basketballer who has the 300$ suit and has the "what did i get myself into" look all over his face.

Those things make it worth watching. Its also a draft, which means I've been at a full 4 inches all effin day. Here is my thoughts on some random rumors and what have not.

Mav's Rumors-

1) Josh Howard to Memphis for the number 5 and number 28 pick.

This one stems from the Idea that Memphis isn't thrilled to pick who's left at 5, they either want to move up and get Mayo/Beasley or trade down.

At 5 you know Rose, Mayo, and Beasley will be gone, with Damp, and Bass, and Dirk, a big is needed, but not a must have, we have Kidd, so no point is needed right now, That leaves the 2 and 3. Here is what might be there at 5, and how they would look in a Dallas Uni.

Kevin Love - I would love this pick, but i have been suckered by the great white big man for years. Pittsnoggle, Van Horn, Crosere, all come to mind, but I think Love has more skills than all those guys. I wouldn't mind the pick, but it wouldn't help us much this year as we already have 3 good big's.

Danilo Gallinari, Italy - I don't' know much about this guy. From what I've read he's not a typical euro. He's got good range from the arc, yes, but he also likes to take it to the hole, and gets to the line a whole bunch. Sounds like something we need? Fuck, and Yes. His defense isn't so great though.

Russell Westbrook, UCLA - don't need a point guard.

Eric Gordon, Indiana - Didn't shoot well at all in Indiana. That scares me. But he did play in a pretty messed up situation, with that whole coach thing. I liked Gordan going into this year, and he kinda played his way out of my "like" list, but not into my "don't like" list. He would be a nice 2 to go along side Kidd, but we would have the same problems with him playing as we would with Terry.

Joe Alexander, West Virginia - Super athlete tag. That always bothers me. They say he can jump out of the gym, and he was pretty good at West Virginia. If the euro isn't here, then this guy might be the next best 3.

The only other mav's rumor I have heard is that Portland is wanting to get some vet players on the team and might be looking to trade down from their first first round pick, pick up a few more later ones, then trade them all for role players with good charterers, that can help lead a young team. The rumor is here that they would trade the Mav's the 28th pick (that they bought) and somewhere around the 18-22 pick for Dallas Maverick Jason Terry.

Again I would do this in a heart beat. Two picks in the twenty isn't that great, but you can really take some athletic guys that will give this team some life. Guys like Green, CDR, Lee or the like. And we can still use Josh as trade bait during the season.

One more thing, here is the list of players going in this draft, in the order of how I think their careers will go.

1. Beasley
2. Mayo
3. Rose
4. Gallinari
5. Westbrook
6. Augustin
7. Rush

I really think Mayo will be a real deal player, as well as Augustin. He's small but he has just a good of court vision as TJ Ford and a much better shot.

"Beat Brown's Caption" Contest!

I'm going to periodically put a picture up with a wacky quote. Use the comment section to beat the quote with something funnier.

"I'm not called Big Baby for nothing!"

Do you feel a draft in the room?

I'm an NBA fan. I don't care if you say it's tainted. I don't care if you think it's not what it used to be. Bottom line, as much as I suck playing the sport, I love watching pro basketball. I'm not the draftnik that Big is, period. I follow drafts. I'm interested in drafts, but I don't spend a weekend reading up on college freshmen and obscure European players.

That being said, two of the best things about the the NBA draft are the phraseology and the fashion. Drinking games have been made on the former, and careers on the latter.

First, phrases you are guaranteed to hear during tonight's NBA draft:
-"He's got a lot of upside"
-"He's a long player" (my personal favorite)
-"He's the next " (The trick here is not so much how the player plays, but who he most resembles. For example, Durant is the next Dirk, but no one wanted to say it.)
-"He's a character guy"
-"He's got a lot of intangibles"
-"He's a project"
-"That's a need pick, not the best guy" followed by "Not a reach, that's the best player available"
-"He's a tweener"

Second, remember, the black man will out do anyone in the fashion department (see: Irvin, Michael or Sanders, Deion). Here's a breakdown of my favorite outfits:

Joakim Noah



Samaki Walker (Mavericks side note...The Mavs could have drafted the following players instead of Walker that year: Steve Nash, Peja Stojakovic, Jermain O'Neal, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Derek Fisher, and, oh yeah, KOBE BRYANT)



Jalen Rose



Erick Dampier



Chuck Person (that's him in the white, not the dirty, dead Len Bias)



Karl Malone

I guess its true, all it take to get laid is be famous

Umm, so a new sex tape is leaked, and despite my rule of not posting anything TMZ or Perez Hilton ever do, this one is so fucking awkward looking that I had to bring it to you people. I give you The Mini Me Sex tape.

Yup, that guy. Warning, i was really really creeped out when i saw it. (safe for work, no nudity as the video hasn't been "fully leaked" yet)

On a side note, maybe I can make one of my dreams happen of taking a picture of my junk with a midget holding it, you know, so it looks freaking huge. Verne may have "opened the door" for that to happen now.

So it is written, so it shall be done

Often times on this site, Big and I have both referred to "the man code" or "the guy code". You've seen commercials spoofing such a concept. Remember the Miller Lite Man Laws as decreed by Burt Reynolds, Triple H and Eddie Griffin? I don't think the code is something that truly exists on paper, per se, I just think it is something that is encoded on our Y chromosome. We all know them, but could never recite them if asked.

Like the United States Constitution, the man codes exist for a reason, governance of men interacting with the world and each other. Sometimes the codes are ignored and for that, men are punished. Asking two men the same question about the code is going to lead to two different answers because everyone has their own interpretation of what they mean and how they are applied.

That being said, I offer up the top 10 Man Codes (in no particular order) that I believe to be universal in any interpretation.

1) A man may never date a buddy's ex-girlfriend without express written consent from said buddy, girl and neutral third party. A man is also not allowed to make a pass at or share the thought of feelings towards a buddy's current girlfriend.

2) Short of funerals or weddings, only "black guy hugs" are acceptable social greetings beyond handshakes and high fives.

3) No matter how much beer drinking, cigar smoking and cart girl chasing is involved, golf is a sport and qualifies as an athletic pursuit. Also known as the "John Daly Law"

4) Contrary to the sports law of "defense is more valuable than offense", a wingman is always more valuable than a designated driver. You can rent a taxi, you can't rent a wingman.

5) When at the movies, an empty seat must exist between two men.

6) "Slump-buster" is the only excuse that can never be questioned for a sub par conquest, no matter what she looks like the next day. Being drunk is not an excuse because everything sounds better when you're drunk. Fucking a fat girl is like riding a scooter, it sounds like a great idea until your buddies find out.

7) Anything can be wagered on, anything.

8) If walking next to another man, and hands accidentally touch, the action is not to be acknowledged by either man, and a mandatory extra foot of distance must be created.

9) If a man gets a haircut, there is no obligation from another man to comment on it.

10) NFL Sundays are true holy days. Any joke can be made on that day at anyone's expense without fear of offense or retribution.

With those being listed, I now open the floor (via comments) to the readers of this blog for interpretation, addition and debate.

Wow, um, ok.

US Supreme Court rejects the death penalty for child rape

Damn, just typing out the phrase makes me want to vomit.

Exactly who is this a win for, the ACLU?

Hold on, my phone is ringing...

Hmm...that's interesting, Bizzle's throwing a party this weekend in honor of the Supreme Court.

...

...

...

Sure, not one of you laughed when you put two and two together on that joke. I'll see you all in hell.

God, if you're listening...nevermind you stopped a long time ago

I've been following this story of the whole Gloucester Pregnancy Pact thing in Massachusetts.

I hope I'm not the only one who finds it to be the funniest god damned thing they've seen in awhile. Not so much "haha" funny, more "I'm laughing because this is the signal from God I've been waiting for that tells me the human race is doomed so I should drink as much scotch as I can." funny.

Now, apparently, one teenager has spoken up and said, "there was no pact."

I present, for your pleasure, from The Boston Channel, Lindsey Oliver, pregnant teenager.

"No. There was definitely no pact. There was a group of girls who decided that they were gonna ... they were already pregnant before they decided this. That they were gonna help each other with their kids so they could finish school and raise their kids together, to do the right thing was their decision. Not, let's get pregnant, like, as a group," Oliver said.

Her baby's father, Andrew Psalidas, impetus for pregnant teenager and dumb ass.

"I would just guess to say that girls are just ... getting unlucky, maybe," he said.

"Lindsey was on birth control. She was very careful with it, you know, because, obviously, we, at 17 and 20, we're not ready for a kid. But we're trying a lot harder now to get ready, that's for sure," Psalidas said.

Oliver steals the microphone...

"Well, I think that they sit there and they say that they want to make a difference and it's awful that all these kids are getting pregnant, but they don't want to do anything to help them. They won't put contraceptives in the nurse's office or anything and no kid wants to go into the store and buy them, or like, ask them mom to help them get birth control. Like, it's embarrassing. So, instead of, like, making them make the decision not to use any of them, they should be giving them out in the nurse's office so you can get it anonymously," Oliver said.

I've been banging my head on my desk repeatedly, so forgive me if my diatribe loses it's sting due to extreme loss of blood.

I was 17 once. I had sex before and since (my credit card's got the proof). I have no children. Why's that, you ask? Without asking anyone, I was able to deduce the common reasoning that the condom goes OVER THE PENIS. Science would conclude that if the sperm does not enter the vagine, then there is no chance of pregnancy.

I don't understand how kids and Mexicans don't get it. Obviously if you're not smart enough to know when to have kids, the last thing you need to do is create more generations.

Idiocracy, here we come.

Extra! Extra! Joey Harrington's the worst QB ever!

H/T: KSK

So, apparently, the guys at Pro Football Reference have done some kind of statistical analysis and came up with the worst quarterbacks of all time.

Folks, here he is: Joey Harrington

No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on.

This is funny to me for three reasons:

1) Joey Harrington looks damn near exactly like one of Big's and my friends. So the total failure makes me giggle because I attribute it to him looking like our buddy.

2) I thought Joey Harrington was the real deal, only because his Oregon team beat Texas in the Holiday Bowl in 2001. He beat Chris Simms. What was I thinking?

3) He plays piano. I hate piano players. (I played piano as a child)

The Wingman, an Essay by Big, part 3(i know its late, eat my starfish)

I know, people have been waiting for the third installment of the oft talked about "wingman essay," and to be honest, i was going to make it a running joke. You know every time I write something that i feel needs two post, tell every body there will be three, and then watch them squirm. BUT this is what happened, people hit me up for the last installment way more than I thought they would, and I still have more to say on the subject. So here goes, a week late, at least, the finial instalment of the Wingman Essay.

Part Three - Beware of False Wingmen

The whole idea of me writing this little expose about the wingman all started at a bar, a few weeks ago, with the situation that I described in the first installment, that ended up with a text that read "Bone City, population 2."

The whole thing got me thinking about the wingman, and how I played the part fantastically that night. Then about other situations that I was apart of or at least witness too, with respect to the wingman. Weather it be me, sliding a box of condoms under a door to a certain brown friend so he can do the nasty, or playing good cop bad cop with one of my roommates, the first wave of remembrance was found, as it almost always is.

Then I started thinking about more recent times, and how the game has changed. I started thinking about all the people I hang out with, and how they used the wingman, either being on themselves, or being the beneficiary of one. Thus leading to the final chapter of the essay, Beware of the False Wingman.

I don't know what happens past the age of, lets say 22, that changes the game, but something most def does. Its no longer "for the good of the group," playing wingman turns into "for the good of the individual." Let me explain. Here are some types of winman that you don't see from 16-23, but as you grow older you see more and more.

Ring Finger Wingman. - Taken guys. They have a wife/girlfriend. Or husband if that's their thing. Like the force there are two sides to this guy, a dark side, and a light side. On the good side, going out with a married guy usually means that he won't take a girl home, but he can occupy one of her friends, or if he's man pretty, be the bait for a group of chicks. But be careful, this "wingman" has a very dark side to it. Only 4 things can happen when you are out with this type of wing, and 3 are bad.

1- He helps you get the girl, with either talking you up, or occupying the friends, or what ever. This is what he should do, he's going home to a wife/girlfriend that he can see naked.

2 - He "over plays" the my buddy is single card, and wants to live through you and trys to get you to "cold call" every semi attractive girl in the place. When you tell him to chill out, he often trys to pulls girls over to you, so maybe, just maybe he can feel like he did when he was single and every girl is a possible bang job, instead of just the one he has at home.

3 - He actually wants to take one of girls home. Now he can't take them home, because that's where wifey is, so to a hotel. Wait the wife might see the credit card change and wonder, so guess where he has to go, that's right, your place. So now your "wingman" not only going to cheat on his wife, but your going to know about it, and that makes thing strange between you and the wife forever, and on top of that, if he takes a chick to your place and you don't, say goodbye self esteem.

4 - You guys strike out, get hammered and end of sleeping on the floor telling each other how you want to go to the roof and shout out home much you love each other. Boop, boop.

So with the ring finger, you need to be sure you know the guy, and that he's not going to put you in the situation that your not going to like. Sounds like a good idea, but when it come down to it, they rarely work out for you.

The other wingman that I want to talk about that has come up more and more as I have gotten older is the bitter man.

Bitter man - This is the sneakiest, and most diabolical wingman ever. 9 times out of 10 you never see this guy coming. Here is the skinny, this is guy that seems to be doing a fantastic job as a wingman, then out of nowhere he swoops in and trys to take your lady. Now there are several types of BitterMan

I'm Me - The I'm me bitter man is most commonly found at bars, and are most commonly people that aren't you real friends, just acquaintances. These are the guys who, see you talking to a girl, think they are better than you, and try and "out play" you for their attention. You think that by introducing your lady friend to him, he will understand the guy code and help you out, but instead he tryes to box you out with one of his Karl Malone elbows.

Snake in grass - This is one that should never EVER happen. This is your buddy, who befriends your ladyfriend, and starts to fall for her. Normally he doesn't directly try and push you out, but he's always there for her when you two have a fight, always ready just in case she see's him as so much better of a guy, then he trys to take your girl. While it is true, sometimes when a girl gets to know a guy better he see's him in a different light, but as a wingman, and more importantly as a friend, you must ask the guy if its cool that you take her out first.

Fuck em all - The fuck em all bitter man is guy that when he see's that he's not going to get his, weather it be from the girl your hitting on, or just in general, he Molotov cocktails the whole situation so that nobody gets any.

All of the Bitter Man wingmen can strike at any time, and all should and could be avoided. If you read this and think that you might have done any of those things, call you friends and tell them your sorry. We're all guys here, we'll forgive you.

In conclusion, in today's me first society, the wingman is still a strong player. If your a guy, your friends should build you up, help you out, and keep you out of trouble. If your a girl, the way the wingman acts is only slightly less important than the guy that's talking to you is. The whole reason for these posts were to educate people, and try and get better wingmen. To try and help you understand that you have to be more observant as to how the actions that you take, effect other people. If we can start here, we can be a better people. Help your friends, help yourself, help me, help you. OK, now I'm rambling.

So, what determines who can say what in the public domain?

If you haven't heard what Don Imus said on his radio program, here's a quick breakdown:

Warner Wolf (no comment on stupidity of that moniker) was discussion our very own Pacman (screw you, pal, you're never losing that name). He was going over his arrest record and Imus asked what color he was. When Wolf told Imus Jones was black, Imus said "there you go. Now we know."

Naturally, this raised a shit storm in the media. Imus followed up the next day by saying he was being sarcastic and that people should be outraged for blacks being arrested for no reason.

Pacman responded by saying it was obvious Imus hates black people and that Pacman would "pray for him".

Ok, did I miss something here?

Does Pacman Jones, let alone half of the media, listen to half of the shit that gets said on the radio here in town?

Are you meaning to tell me the gents on The Ticket don't say that level of humor if not worse? Short of dropping the n-bomb, the jokes that The Ticket tells are much worse than anything Imus has said.

Yes, they work under an umbrella of parody and direct sarcasm. However, are you going to tell me that the people who listen to The Ticket are smart enough to make the difference between jokes and reality?

Look, I've never listened to Don Imus. Frankly, I'm surprised the guy is alive. He looks older than Hubie Brown and Dick Stockton put together.

If radio stations like The Ticket are protected by the first amendment for making the commentary they make, and people like TMZ or Perez Hilton (a site/person I'm still not sure exists or not) can operate under that flag, why should Don Imus be crucified for anything he's said so far?

Hasn't Pacman Jones earned the privelege to be the butt end of all jokes?

The most important question of all? IF ALL I WANT IS THE MOTHER FUCKING SCORES FROM LAST NIGHT'S BASEBALL GAMES, WHY IN THE HELL IS ROBERT FLORES TAKING THE TIME ON SPORTSCENTER GOING OVER A NON-CONTROVERSY?

If people want to hear their own voice, find a topic or happening that is worth the energy. I'll give you a topic: Mike Meyers nor Adam Sandler hasn't been funny since about 2001, yet they still make more money than Bear does....and Bear just bought a brand new Kia. How's that fair?

Why hello there

It appears in my travels as of late (nevermind where), I've discovered this little space of the interwebs known as "The Big and The Brown".

I see all of these posts by a fellow named Big, yet there is no Brown.

Wait a second, that's me...that's right, sexy readers, I'm back. (Wonder twin powers, activate!)

No more rants about stupid things. (Though this might be one)

No more posts about anal starlets. (For the record, that was Jenna Haze.)

No more breaking down of hip hop lyrics. (Actually, I kind of like those.)

No more promises to finish three part essays (We're all waiting for the grand conclusion, dick milk.)

So, let's see...umm...

NBA Finals? Nope, nope, pretty sure that got covered.

Shaq versus Kobe? Uh, it's not 2005 anymore.

Donaghy scandal? ESPN already beat that down.

Rangers above .500? No chance, I'm not getting blamed for jinxing them.

Scott Kalita's death? Well, I did find irony in that no one laughed at someone dying in a funny car.

NBA draft? Not until Thursday.

Euro 2008? I've been watching, but god forbid someone not named "Sir Arthur Ballsinmouth" comment.

Tiger's leg? Big kind of beat me to it, albeit without the word "fuck"

Well, if I'm that far behind, I might as well just begin my epic return with a simple question:



Emmitt or Barry? Discuss.


p.s. I'd choose Ki-Jana Carter.

He's got like, 30 dicks

I don't know how many of you read our buddy UnitQM But you should. He's funny(mostly), and political(nasty you'll hate it), and music like. In case you don't. He had a post last week about an Austin cartoonist named Brad Neely. Never heard of him? Me neither. But you may have seen this video, and if not, you should watch it now. Quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen since those WNBA commercials.

S-Jax is now my number 1 pick for Fantasy.

"Kid you got to use your butfur"

"Whats a butfur"

"A butt's for pooping"

In late breaking fantasy football news,Steven Jackson just "cleaned out his system." No, he's not rocking the George DeJean toxin thing, he's getting his doo doo sucked out, or most commonly refereed to as a colonic. (just so we are straight, they put a tube up your pooper, then pump in warm water, then drain it out. At least that's what I've herd, i don't know from experience.)

In fact, this what Jackson's friend Harris said about the experience.

"When we got done and he walked out to the waiting room, I said, 'Steven, are you OK?' He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.' I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."

nice.

Nude Music Friday

In honer of Rapper Lil Wayne selling over a million copies of his latest record in the first week, which is the first time that's happened in 3 years, Its time to dust off "Big explains Rap Lyrics"

The song is the number one single of Wayne's new record, Lollipop. I'm sure you have all heard it before, its the one with him with the auto correct on his voice. Its hot, I'm not going to lie, but lets just take a look at what he is really saying. Wayne in Italics, my explanation not.

Ow…

Ow...
Uh Huh No Homo…
Does he really say no homo, I've never heard this part

Young Mula Baby

I only assume that he's talking about himself, or the producer

I say he so sweet
Make her wanna lick the rapper

See how he spelled rapper, like the singer not the piece of paper, he's saying some girl, who thinks he's sweet, wants to perform oral sex on him.

So I let her lick the rapper
So he let her.

She she lick me
Like a lollipop
She she lick me
Like a lollipop
She she lick
Like a lollipop
She lick
Me Like a lollipop

She performed oral sex on me that was like someone licking a sucker.

Shawty wanna thug

This girl wants a bad guy, who is into HipHop and urban culture

Bottles in the club

She wants bottle service at the dance hall

Shawty wanna hump

She wants to have sex

You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

You know I like to put my hands on your breasts.

Lil mama had a swag like mine

This girl has the same attitude as I do

She even wear her hair
Down her back like mine

We have the same hair style

I make her feel right
When its wrong like lyin'

Umm, I make her feel OK about lyin or maybe cheating(really don't know about this one)

Man
She ain't never had a love like mine

I am a fantastic lover of the likes she has never had before

Man
I ain't never seen an ass like hers

I think that girls buttocks is the nicest I have ever seen in my life

That pussy in my mouth
Had me at a loss for words

When preforming oral sex on her, I could think of nothing to say.

Told her to back it up
Like berp berp

I would like to have sex in the position of dogie style, and have you thrust backward at me like you were a large bus that "beeps" when it backs up.

And I made that ass jump
Like jerp jerp

And while you did that, I thrusted so hard that your buttocks bounced on impact.

And that's when she
And then she said.

Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
She preformed oral sex on me like someone licking a sucker.
Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

After you back it up
Then stop

after we do it doggie style for awhile, i want to stop doing doggie.

Drop It shawty

I want now want you on top of me, while in the sitting position, and have sex while you bring your vazeen down onto me.

Drop It
Drop it like its hot
Drop it like its hot

Do that same thing over and over in the rate of speed that is equivalent to someone dropping something that burns their hands.

Do do do it shawty
Don't stop

Keep doing it girl, don't stop.

Shawty said the nigga that she with
Ain't shit

She told me that her boyfriend wasn't a good person.

Shawty said the nigga that she with
Ain't this

She said her boyfriend can't do what we are doing right now.

Shawty said the nigga that she with
Can't hit

She said her boyfriend is an inadequate lover.

But shawty Imma hit it, hit it,
Like I can't miss

But girl, I'm going keep having sex with you as if I were in a basketball game, and I got real hot, and I just knew that when ever I threw up a shot, it was going in.

And He can't do this
And He don't do that

Your boyfriend isn't as good in sack as I am.

Shawty need a refund
Needa bring that nigga back

Girl, you should no longer be boyfriends with that guy, as if he were a bad Christmas gift from walmart, you should take it back and get your money back.

Just like a refund
I make her bring that ass back

Speaking of refunds, I'm going to treat your backside like one and my penis like the return counter, and we are going to do it doggy again.

And she bring that ass back

And she did just that.

Because I Like That
Because she knew I liked it when she does that.

Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

Shawty
Wanna lic-lic-lic-lick me
Like a lollipop
Shawty
Wanna lic-lic-lic-lick me
Like a lollipop
Shawty
Wanna lick me
Like a lollipop
I Let her lick the rapper

Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

Call me

Pick up the phone and dial my number.

So I can make it juicy for ya

So I can turn you on, creating a moist area in your underpants.

C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can make it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
Call me
So I can make it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can make it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
I have a stuttering problem, but I still want you to call me, so i can turn you on, thus getting your pantys wet and ready for insertion.

Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

I get her on top
She drop it like it's hot

Again we change position to you in the sitting position above me and you sit down on me with great speed.

And when I'm at the bottom
She Hilary Rodham
Middle of the Bed
Give and gettin' head
Give and gettin' head
Give and gettin' head

Now we are going to take turns preforming oral sex on each other, Like Hilary Rodham Clinton did to Bill(I know it was really monica, not Hillary that did the oral thing, but who said rappers were smart?)

I said hmmmm I like that
Say hmmmm yea I like that
I said hmmmm yea I like that
hmmhmmm

That feels good.

Call me
So I can come and do it for you

Call me, so we can have sex.

Call me
So I can come and prove it for you

Call me, and I'll prove that I'm great in the sack.

Call me
So I can make it juicy for you

call me so i can, yada yada

Call me
So I can get it juicy for you

SO, in summation, Lollipop is about convincing a girl that has a man, that you are a great lover, you guys have sex, turns out you are right, she loves it, you love it, you want her to call you so you can do it again.

I love Hip Hop.

Silly Porn Stars

I'm sure her daddy is real proud.

In my experience I've never even met an "anal starlet" let alone enough to pick a favorite

Greatest Invention Ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Beer Belly Cooler

Check this out.

How fantastic is that. Of course I'd look like a uper prego chick with my already large mid section.

I hope you enjoyed that US Open

What a fantastic golf weekend right? We had Tiger coming back and forcing an 18 hole playoff with a guy named Rocko.

That sentence right there is good enough for me to watch just about any Golf Tourney, add the fact that it was the US Open, and you've just doubled my intrigue.

THEN add the fact that Tiger is coming off knee surgery and hasn't walked 18 in over 2 months, now I'm titillated more than a Chinese girl who just found a mini-house for her mini-poodle.

Not only does that sound great, but unlike the Laker-Celtics finials, it truly was great.

I hope you enjoyed it, because Tiger is now done for the rest of the year.

This from the Golf Channel

"He experienced a small stress fracture in his left leg about two weeks before the U.S. Open, which was causing him the pain, and ultimately the doctors feel that he needs ACL surgery and rest to get him back to 100%. Sources added that Tiger is in great spirits and wants to ensure that he comes back even better at the start of the 2009 season. Although his playing schedule is going to put on hold, he will continue to make numerous appearances and fulfill his sponsor and charitable commitments over the next five to six months."

That sucks. So this will be surgery number 4 or 5 on that same knee. How sorry would it be if that is how Tiger went out. A knee injury during the prime of his career.

HT: Fanhouse

Ohh lordy

So, This was a big weekend. As Brown continues his month long road trip for work/play, I was out of town from Thursday of last week till last night. Included in the fun was visiting some friends who are about to have a baby, camping in near 100 degree heat, and floating a river for 8 hours sat with only beer, a ham sandwich, and 50 jello shots to quince my thirst(and what a good job they did).

More on all that later, I just wanted to pop on and say, I'm back bitches.

No worries, the finial part of essay will be sometime this week, as well as a look back at one hell of a sports weekend. Lets not forget either that we will have a new NBA champion this week. Its the last real good week of sports till training camp opens.

To cleans your pallet for a moment, Here is a video of team USA beating the shit out of Barbados, in soccer, World Cup Qualifying match that most of you probably didn't see Sun. All 8(!) goal can be found here, and its only a few min long.

The Wingman - An Essay by Big, Part 2

Part Two of Three "Types"



The wing man is a strange mix of want, natural ability, and attitude. There are several reasons for a wing man to come into play. The most often use for the Wing, is simply to get laid, but the a true wing man isn't there only to help his buddy in his sexual conquest. A true wing man is there for any number of reasons. It may be to find a "date able" girl, or to weed out the "crazy chicks" from the not so, or simply to get some muff that night.



The wing man serves as a strong, and sometimes final buffer, between the girl and guy. With this responsibility in mind, there are several different kinds of wing men out there, and they all serve a purpose. One last note before the list, some of this types can be "acted" or "played" on a given night, but some can't, so go with what is best fit for you, and what come natural.



Non-Threatening Buddy - Best used to find Girlfriends, not just hit it and quit it girls. This is the guy that I fall into most often and think I have really nailed it. The best way that this one can be described is your best friend. I'm talking true, from 1st grade best friend. As a guy, you already know this guy and know that he won't try and perch your lady friend. From the ladies perspective, it shows he has good friends, who are funny and are just there to have a good time. The key to almost all wing man activities is to make the girl feel comfortable, and this guy does it so well, the next date that she goes on with your boy, she might even drop your name to see if you want to come too, and she almost always brings friends. It really is a win in. Now you can get in trouble using this type of wing man, if your buddy is just looking to shag. If that happens and your buddy fucks her and then never calls, that girl will not only think your buddy's a dick, but that you are one as well for not warning her, and kiss her and every chick she knows goodbye.



Penis With Eyes - This one might be the funnest to play, and its good for getting liberal, strong women, or hippies, really any girl who thinks guys are just dicks with eyes, hence the name. This one simply boles down to you, the wing man, acting like a complete dick hole to women, and to her, while your buddy plays the nice guy and scalds you. This is often referred too as the Good Cop, Bad Cop routine, but if you want to do it well, its not quite that simple. For example if your buddy just walks up to the girl and says something like "Hey broad, nice tits," and you jump in with "hey man, that's not nice," not only does it sound like your doing a line from Back to the Future, but it won't ever work either, she will see right through it(unless she is super fucking dumb). Remember this one is about subtlety.

Let the conversation go on for awhile, just sipping your drink and nodding along. Wait for a subject that you can through out a very extreme opinion about sex, and make it degrading to women, but not blatantly offensive, and have your buddy give the counterpoint. Here is an example.

This really happened to me, and at first I didn't know my buddy was helping me out, he was just being himself for the most part, but he really laid on thick the idea that men are made to spread their seed with as many women as they can. The girls we were with were put off to say the lest, and I think I said something along the lines of "your dick is made to spread seed, but your mind is made to find the one you want to always be with." Sounds kinda cheesy, but dammit if I didn't get some great sex that night.

Uber Gay Man - Now, if wing men were like football teams, the Uber Gay Man would be the 85 bears. Its so damn good, yet it only comes around once a lifetime. Unlike the first two above, this one can't be acted or played, you have to actually be an uber gay man, or a know one that its cool with you. This one works on just about all women, but ultraconservative types. Its simple; women love gay men. And the brighter the flame the better. If you have a gay friend that can push you to some single ladies, your in like Flin.

Quanty Controll - This guy is not the best, and this one is more for the fun of it than the effectiveness of it. This type of wing man is the guy who walks up to just about every decently attractive girl, and asks if they know the guy in the blue shirt. No? Let me introduce you. Something along those lines. I personally prefer the "high five guy." "excuse me ladies, can you go give me friend a high five? He's had a tough day." Works almost never, but is fun as fuck to do to your buddy.

Mr. Big Time - Mr Big Time is the baller wing man. He is guy who is drinking Patron, or Scotch, and almost "bankrolls" the buddy. He is the one that makes sure the girl gets plenty of booze in her system, brings you both to VIP if there is one, or even orders a bottle and says things like "you guys have fun." Now this wing man can come back to bite you, if the girl is money hungry biznach, she will dump anybody for the baller. I don't like this one, except for, you know, the free drinks.

The Suicide - When people think of "wing man" this what most people think of. Its no mystery that when you try and pick out a girl from another group of girls, if you don't make the mother hen happy, you won't even get past "Hi, How you doing?" Don't get it twisted, there is always a mother hen. But, despite what most people think, it's rarely the big girl. Most of the time it's easy to tell who the hen is if you just watch for a bit. She's the one the different kind of drink, or with the big hat, standing with her hand on her hip. Ding Ding Ding, here comes the Suicide.

Its not his job to really take one for the team, per say, but its more along the lines of making sure the Mother Hen is having fun. The situation differs on what the Mother Hen wants, and its usually not sex. The best I've ever seen this done is a friend of mine walked to a group of girls and just started making fun of the Hen, she bowed up, he backed down, bought her drink to say I'm sorry, and they sat at the bar all night making fun of people that walked by. It was Fantastic.

These are just a few of the types of Wing Men. I encourage you to let me know if you have another type to add to the fold, that works or just as importantly, doesn't work. Remember this is a guy code "freshen up" course. More tommorrow.

A Reason to cheer for LA

Yea, LA won last night, I still have Boston in 6. But here is a good reason to cheer for LA.

Jack is still the coolest guy on planet earth.

Brown has a dream

I'm not shitting you when I say that I just woke up in my hotel room with a vision and inspiration.

Let me just lay this on you...The Big and The Brown on The Television.

Yeah, don't point out the irony that we don't even post on this place as regularly as we should, but just work with me. I was sleeping 1 minute ago.

I want to know a simple question: would you watch it?

I'm not talking YouTube, I'm talking local Dallas public access television. Why not YouTube? Frankly, the fucking concept of YouTube scares the crap out of me. No sir, I don't like it. I'm talking "Wayne's World".

Weekly show. Out of my garage. The same stupid crap that you read here, only on the television.

By the way, my dream even involved us reviewing a band called "The Shitty Beatles". Creepy.

Just dropping a line

As Big pointed out, I'm traveling like a champ for work and don't have time to post a lot (if anything).

Because of that, I want you all to sit and think about something and it will remind you of me when you're lonely:

Does Bindi Irwin's mother allow her to cheer for Tampa Bay's baseball team?

I love you all.

The Wing Man. A Three Part essay by Big

TB&TB are truly sorry for the lack of post recently. Brown is out of town for the entire month, and I have been swamped at work, life, and the general easing off of sports that come this time of year for me. I'm not a big Baseball guy, and I'm watching the Finals, but lets be honest, you don't really care what I have to say about Boston. With this in mind I am starting a three part essay about something I have recently witnessed. I do hope you enjoy.

Part One - The Intro.

I like taco's. All kinds. Regular, bean, rice, cheese, fish, and the like. I like to eat them, look at them, think about them, and most of all, if its the kind found on a women, kick them.

The other night I was out with a friend and he brought some girl that he was friends with. I asked if he was trying to hook up with this girl, and while his response was "no we're just friends," i knew that was code for she won't let me hit it. So as the night grew on, we had a nice time and i could see that me and the chick were hitting it off, maybe not in the way where she would take me home, but in at least in the way that if I saw here again walking down the street, she would stop and say whats up.

My friend and her were hitting it off pretty good too, so I followed rule number 2, and number 5 of the guy code, to be explained later, and tyred to help him out and get the girl to go home with him.

Now, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but needless to say the next morning I got a text that read "bone city, population 2." I giggled and felt proud that I was, in just a small way, the reason for my buddy getting not only a hot chick, but a cool ass chick as well in the sack.

Most of the time this is how this goes down. Friends bring ladies around me and for probably 2 reasons; I'm a nice, funny, and well read (kinda) person that "looks good" as a friend, aka I'm a resume bullet point, and 2, I'm a bigger guy that, while still a bad ass, doesn't strike the fear of girl stealing into most guys. Now that they are around me, I'm funny, I'm goofy, and I make my friend look both good, and knock him down so she thinks of him as just a regular guy, with cool friends. It's what a wing man does.

I really thought is was all common knowledge. I thought all guys live by the code that is guy code, and they follow the "way of wingman" section in it like I do. It's not really even a choice for me, its just how I am. That said I have stared to notice a few of my friends that I guess skipped the "way of the wingman" part of the guy code. So that's what this eassy is about.

HUGE NEWS READ NOW

So my weekend started pretty normal. Thursday was a pretty normal day for the most part, after work I just wanted to go home, get some good food, and watch the NBA playoffs. I got home, after picking up a fantastic meal from a local place, and settled down to watch what I think could be the most fantastic NBA finials from a basketball stand point that we have seen in years.

Just as I finish my meal, the Mexican calls me. I know what he wants, he wants to drink and watch the playoffs. Me and him play this little game where if one of us wants to go out they make the call, and if the other guy wants to go, weather he admits it or not, he answers the phone. No matter how many "na, I really should stay in tonight," type phrases get spoken, the rule is simple, if you answer, you have to go out. Needless to say, I was looking forward to staying in that night, but I answered the phone call, and off to the bar I went.

So we watched the game with the Sherpa, his pseudo girl, and one of the Mexicans lady friends, who was a big Celtics fan. At first I thought, Hell, here is another Boston band wagoner, just like all those hopeless red socks "fans." But then when Paul Peirce got hurt, she stood up and yelled, "GET UP TRUTH!." She knew his nickname was Truth. So now she is cool in my book.

Needless to say we stayed out way to late that night, drinking beer, telling storeys of yester year, and all in all just having a good time. The Bars closed at 2 am, and I will still there. Fuck. I have to work in 6 hours. Ahh what every, It was a fun night.

So the next morning came early, and like most mornings after I drink, I was slow getting to work, but not feeling as bad as I could have. The morning was fine, as result of the conversation I wrote on here that was going on between two of the guys I work with. The conversation lasted all day.

I get off work at 5, roll to the house with the full expectation of taking a nap. Come on I only had 5 hours of sleep or so. So that's what I did. I napped for about an hour or so, till I got hungry and wanted to get something to eat. I howled at the Bear and we went to a buddy's house to help him work in his kick ass back yard. We hung lights, and worked on a sink for his out door bar, drank beers and played some water basketball.

Which brings me to another point, I am the Wilt Champerland of Water Basketball. I rule. I can't be stopped. I have a respectable shot, great pool vision, and am so damn dominate in the paint that the only thing the bear could try and do is bear hung me, and I still made the shot.

ANYWAY, The full day had me looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. So I did. After some conversing with my apartment people, which was surprisingly smooth, I went to the Rents house to hang out with my Dad help them out around the house.

All of this lead up to this important news. I am awesome.

That's it, just wanted you guys to know.

(Disappointed with how much you had to read to get to that stupid point? Think how much we were when we watched an hour and half of the Belmont Coverage for a two and half minute race, where Big Brown didn't win. I want those hours back.)

Who am I and what am I doing here?

Hello, my name is Brown. You might remember me from such blogs as "MySpace: dearth of a nation, scourge of society" and "Human! The undiscovered white meat"

I used to write about fun musings and quips about observational life. I'd regale readers with stories about things I encountered. When Big and I started this thing, I decided my main focus would be sports.

Well, I'm about to get non sportsy on you.

Blog readers. Texas. America. World. I have something to tell you: I don't care.

Do I care how you feel about that? No. Why? Because, I don't care.

Almost everyone that knows me seems to understand that. Those that don't like to pretend that I care about things. Here's the secret, I don't.

Given the option of spending time with someone who wants me to give a damn about things or trying to masturbate to two Japanese women vomiting on each other, I'd say hand me the Jergens and tell Hiroki to stuff her finger down her mouth. Why? Besides the fact I love bulemic Asian women, it's simple, I don't care to make someone else think that I give a damn.

I spend my day working, sleeping and shitting, not necessarily in that order. I don't have the time to worry about other people be they friends, family or dead hookers, again, not necessarily in that order.

Now, sure, I do care about things. Those things are all self-centric. Is that egotistical? Probably. Do I care? No.

I also care about nachos. I love nachos. Can't get enough of them.

What I'm trying to say is this. Unless it pertains to me or directly affects me and my person, you might as well be talking to a wall. Am I listening? Nope. I'm actually sitting there wondering what I would do if I walked in on Sam Cassell cuddling with Vernon Maxwell in a Santa Claus suit. Why? I have no idea.

"But, Brown, we have to sit here and listen/read your thoughts and feelings! That's not fair. Why should we care?"

Exactly how the fuck do I know or why the fuck should I care? Tell me where it's written that life is fair or that I should give a damn.

I'm busy with things, and I can't post every day. Big's funny. Big cares. Big loves you. Enjoy that and quit bitching to me.



(None of the above was true, I actually do care)



(Not really, the part about nachos was true.)



(Asian women too)


(Not really)



(Really)

Shades of grey with good and evil

So, my day job is working as a machine tech and div head of an image company, I work in the back room/ware house. The two guys I work with are older black guys, one runs lamination, the other shipping. Anthony is a early 40's guy who loves women. Don is a mid 50's old school player with a good heart. This is the conversation that the two have been having all morning, about how Don thinks Anthony should keep with his wife, and not worry so much about having a girl friend. Anthony thinks the wife is a good time, but is more like a partner than an object of love. Here are some excepts from their conversation, thought yall might enjoy it. They are completly serial, and at time heated. Totally Serial.

This is about an hour into the conversation when Don is talking about if you want sex, just go pay for it, and then go spend your time with the wife.

D -I don't want to meet your kids, or your sister or your kids, Hell i don't even want to know you have kids. A, 100 dollars on the floor and your walking away with something

a - not you, they will smell your family ass before you walk in the door,

d- I'm happy with just find a bunch of hoes and just pick me one out, tear her ass up for 5 min, and then go home to the wife.

a - that's all your old ass can take

d - i might die if i go longer

a - that's what my girl friends for

d - but that's not your Wife, that's not what you share your like with

a - you ten years, maybe in ten years I'll feel that way

d - maybe, but think about if you started now, how much further you would be ten years from now.

a - but I'm paying off everything, waiting to when i can not do anything in ten years.

d - ten years you may not have anything you got now

a - why do you need the wife to complete you

d - because i'm not complete without them, i enjoy the companionship,

a - what is companionship,

d - when me and the wife are sitting outside, and the wind is blowing

a - that's companionship right there

d - and we can just sit there and be, and not worry about anything

a - get a dog

d - god damn Anthony,

d - sounds like you just need a dog.

I might chim in later with more, but this such a great conversation i couldn't pass on typing some.

On a side note

Over the past 8 months or so that we have had this little blog, we have really enjoyed doing what we do. We don't really think of ourselves as big time, or even middle time to be honest, but talking sports is what me and Brown do, now we just do it here for you guys to read.

One of the websites that got us into the whole "blogging" idea was Deadspin. Brown found it over a year ago(a little late, but that's our style), and tipped me off to it.

It was the first website that talked about sports like I talk about sports to my friends. We make jokes, we get heated, we find it genius that Rex Grossmen truly is the Sex Cannon. Its from this site that I found all my other sites that you see to your right, and that I visit at least seventeen times a day.

I say all this because the founder and chief editor of Deadspin, Will Leitch, is leaving Deadspin as an editor, to work at a real news paper in New York.

Now he will still write for the site, but he no longer will control it. So to a true great in the world of blogging, We at the Big and Brown, Respect.

Sports Flash

We are going to scatter shoot a little this morning.

-Of all the anti spurs stuff, I think these guys got it best. There is no real reason for the hatred, yet i still do.

- Speaking of basketball, I couldn't have said it better, Paul Peirce is the key to the finials.

- TO, the rich get richer. But do you really want to give an older WR 4 years?

-Now your lying fake crying, Greg Ellis is still a bitch in my book

-Man, now I have to get creative when I make fun of my buddy for like liking the broncos, Travis Henry got cut. There goes the easy "pot smoking" jokes, as well as the "super sperm gives him an extra step" jokes as well. Thanks.

Lastly here is a video that suggests that the Kimbo slice fight was fixed.


But please read this guys take as to why it wasn't

The WWE goes Extreme

For those of you who dislike our fondness of professional wrestling, you can skip this post, but I wanted to say a few things about last nights WWE PPV, One Night Stand.

This is my third favorite PPV of the year, behind the Royal Rumble, and of course, Wrestlemania. The "thing" about the One Night Stand PPV, is it was designed for when the WWE bought out Extreme Championship Wrestling, a promotion that is known for being, well, extreme. They bought it a few years ago, and introduced ECW to the WWE fans with a ECW PPV, one night stand, that showcased the ECW wrestlers getting all bloody and shit against the normal WWE guys. A good concept. Nowadays the ECW that was before the WWE bought it, is long dead, and is repaced by a "minor league" of sorts for the WWE. The Tuesday night show sucks, and is a "proving ground" for up and coming wrestlers for the most part. So the whole ECW One Night Stand is no longer.

But the spirit is still alive as all the matches last night were some kind of Extreme Rules matches. We had a First Blood Match, a Stretcher match, a Falls count anywhere, and a Last man standing. I won't go play by play or even match by match of last night as I know that you don't want to read it, but I wanted to point out a few cool things that went down.

- Shawne Merrymen(I know that's not how you spell it, but i think its funny)(go fuck yourself), Linebacker for the Whales Vagina Chargers was there, and even got involved by hitting someone with a kendo stick. Its so much fun to watch 2 serriored up guys go all crazy with a kendo stick.

-Randy Orton, the company's top Heel(bad guy) got tossed out of the ring last night during his last man standing match, and broke his collar bone. Not like "broke" like he needs a vacation, broke like you could see the damn thing sticking out. He won't be wrestling for awhile. or raising his left hand. Interesting thing about this is the ref was miked up during the match so everybody could he count to 10(last man standing match), so you could hear the exchange between the two wrestlers and and the ref. Highlighted by HHH saying "go for the RKO," then Orton getting tossed outside and saying "Fuck, I Broke my collar Bone."

and one more note, I know that HHH wanted to end the match with his trade mark Sledgehammer last night, but when a guy breaks something, just let him get counted out, you don't have to go pick him up, find the hammer, hit him, and then let the ref count him out.

-Lastly the main event last night had Edge vs the Undertaker in a Table Ladders and Chairs match. That would have been a good match no matter what, but then they threw in the stipulation that if the Undertaker loses, he has to leave WWE. Now the Undertaker has been a top guy in the show for over 15 years, and nobody thought he would lose last night, but he did. Still nobody thinks this will be the end for him, as he is only 44, and we saw flair wrestler for another 10 years after that.

Still if that was the end to the Undertaker, we here at the Big and Brown, will pour out a little bit of our 40 for ya.

-

MMA was this close

Over the weekend, quite a big of sports happened. The NBA finials are going to be LA v Boston, the Rangers got over .500 and then dropped back down to it, and the WWE had one of my favorite PPV's of the year. All those great things were put on the back burner for me because Mixed Martial Arts was taking a giant step, and premiering on network TV for the first time, on CBS, Saturday night.

This wasn't a 2AM special, or a noon start on a Thursday; this was 8:00 pm, sat night, live from Jersey.

I've been a strong to quite strong MMA fan since the days of Hoyce Gracie and Tank Abbot, and have been following it since. I'm not a die hard like some of my friends, but over the past 5 years I've seen the sport go from a side show like mentality to a legit sporting contest, with the rise of the UFC. Stars like Ken Shamrock, Tito Ortiz, Chuck Lidell, and George Saint-Perrier have brought the sport a long from its "freak show" start.

The next step in the evolution is the expose it to as many people as possible. UFC did a fine job of this with the move to Spike TV, and the advent to the Ultimate fighter, a program that features up and coming MMA guys trying to break into the UFC.

The UFC has also done a good job at staying away from the "freak show" like competitors that would for sure garner a quick PPV sale, but in the aspect of legitimizing the sport, take them back a few years.

There were rumblings around the MMA fan sites that a major network was thinking about putting MMA on a prime time slot and seeing what would happen. Everybody thought this would be a fantastic idea as long as it was the UFC, far and away the best promotion in MMA, but more than likely due to the owner of UFC being a money hungry a hole, CBS went with Elite XC, a fighting promotion I knew little about other than they have shows on Showtime.

The next step for MMA and CBS to have a good showing was to get a Star in MMA to headline the first show. The problem is, if you are a star in MMA, your already in the UFC. Enter Kimbo Slice. A 34 year old former homeless person, who is a youtube superstar for his backyard brawls, and body guard for the porn site bangbrothers(i think). In the MMA world this guy is not highly thought of. He has lead hands, sure, but MMA is much much more than heavy hands and a solid jaw.

Non the less Kimbo was perfect for this Match. He was a name that people knew, and he would get the non MMA fan to watch because you never knew when this guy would pop off and kill a guy with his fists. So you get your star to go against a guy he should be able to beat(thompson) and hope Kimbo knocks his head off early.

Step 2 for the night is put a fight right before the Kimbo Slice match that would be a true MMA fight, between 2 good performers, and have it be one hell of a match. That's where the Lawler vs Smith match comes in. Lawler was made famous a few years ago as a hard hitting star of UFC. He is now a little older but still one hell of a fighter.

Lastly, you want to put on the card some matches that will either A)set up future bouts(Rodgers vs. Murphy) B) separate yourself from UFC(the girl fight Carano vs Young) or C)pray from knockouts.

EliteXC was this close to having all those thing work out on Saturday.

The first 3 matches went perfectly. Rodgers opened the show with a knockout and stayed undefeated, and will set up for a nice Rodgers vs Kimbo fight in the near future.

Fight 2 saw another early knock out that was exciting, and the third fight was the chick fight. The hot chick and face of women MMA won and did so in style with the first round of trading blows and then getting the stoppage when Carono hit Young so damn hard in the left eye it swole shut.

Fight 3 was the Lawler(son of Jerry the King) vs. Smith. Now this fight needed to be good. This was the traditional MMA fight between two legit MMA guys. No gimmicks, just good MMA. And it was

For 2 1/2 rounds. Then Smith got poked in the eye inadvertently. And the fight was stopped. What was a war between these two guys, and it was exciting and explosive, and fun to watch, as all the action took place standing up, was over with the blink or should i say poke, of an eye. Neither fighter wanted to stop. The crowd wanted to see a winner. I was yelling at the screen, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria.

Not good for EliteXc, not good for MMA. Stopping a GREAT fight like that. For shame.

So now it was time for Kimbo to kill someone. Only he didn't. He got taken to the ground early and often. Thompson tryed to turn this into a MMA fight. Who does he think he is? Didn't he know that he was supposed to lose to Kimbo in like 30 seconds? Don't take him to ground where you can probably beat him.

But that's what Thompson did, and to Kimbo's credit, he held his own. He did just enough to stay alive and in the third round we all got what we wanted, when one of Kimbos tree trunk like fist's literally exploded thompson's ear. While not the knockout they needed, a knockout none the less.

So the night was a good one, but not really what they hoped for. They were this close to really showing what MMA was all about, but then came up just short. If the Lawler Smith fight would have been finished, and Kimbo not looked so beatable, this thing would have taken off.

But today, most sports guys are saying how they just don't get it. And its sad. MMA was this close. Maybe next time.

Thoughts from Gate B34 at DFW

Right now, I am sitting next to the craziest old coot ever. She is reading a manual for a BlackBerry and ever so often, she blurts out a comment to no one in particular. Things like "she never calls me" or "that's a small plane" or "I'm gonna shower when I get home". I'm the only person sitting here and...I hate people.

-Kimbo Slice...yawn.

-Josh Hamilton a.k.a Max Damage (greatest. nickname. ever) is Mike Young and Mark Teixeira in one person. A likeable guy that can be the face of the organization who just happens to be the tooled player for Arlington.

-Tank Johnson is asking Roger Goodell to reinstate Pacman. Yup, I've got nothing.

-Lakers and Celtics. Admit it, its the matchup you were hoping for. Kobe and KG. Who's the x-factor? Paul Pierce for Boston and Derek Fisher (no, not the lisping Spaniard) for LA.

-Big Brown races to history this weekend. Don't think we won't be watching.

-Enjoy the week.