Amazon is slowly taking over my life

Not this one…

I have an admission, and it’s simply that I’m terrified of online activity.  Call me old fashioned, but I’ve always preferred to go to a store, physically touch items, and then purchase them from a sales person. Always have. 

It’s got nothing to do with online security because there’s just as much safety in some 17 year old kid at Best Buy then there is in a 17 year old hacker being able to get into my computer/network and get my information.   You can argue the ability to get to it is easier, but in the end, if it’s going to happen to you, it’s going to happen to you, the best you can do is protect your shit.

No, the reason that I’m “against” buying things online is simply that I don’t trust the other end of the transaction.  When I go to a store, I can see the object I’m buying. I can touch it, I can turn it around, I can see what’s there and what I’m getting.  Online, you don’t know if you’re getting the product or a box with bricks.  Does this make me sound like a 60 year old man?  Well, you damn kids and your internet should know that by now. I just learned “LOL” didn’t mean “Lots Of Love”.  I never claimed to be smart, my wife married me because she can bounce a quarter off my ass.

Anyway, over the holidays this year, I took the not-so-novel approach of buying all my gifts via Amazon.  Holy shit, did you guys know this place existed?  I thought all you bought was books, but no, you can buy anything you want on there. Hell, I bought a kidney!  A REAL LIFE HUMAN FUCKING KIDNEY!  (I did not buy a kidney). Anyway, ever since getting a Kindle (that’s right, I’m a better person than you), my obsession with Amazon has grown further.  Now, I don’t feel like going anywhere (more than I used to…it ain’t called the Fortress of Solitude for nothing) because I can just get it on Amazon and have it shipped in 2 days time.  My shoulder visibly slump when I realize I need something now because it requires me to have human interaction.

How fucking sad is that?  I’m an anti-social person as it is, and now I don’t even want to go to the store to buy stuff.  Anyway, my point is that the internet has allow shut-ins like me to completely disconnect from the real world and never leave the comfort of their own homes.  I’m not quite sure this is a good thing.  Now, for my next discovery, did you guys know that you can buy music on the internet too?  There’s this cool thing called iTunes…

Man, does this guy just hate everything?

Bitches.

I tend to get that question asked a lot of me, and the answer is, mostly.   I do like things, my wife, my dog, sandwiches, Star Crunch, lamp…but let’s be honest, you don’t want to read about that.  Hell, even Big calls me out on it now and then.

There’s nothing entertaining about being happy. Admit it, if this blog was chock full of me saying things like: “you know what’s great?  Being in love.”  You’d vomit all over your computer, come find me and give me a wedgie.  Then you’d think that this was one of the most un-entertaining blogs on the internet (you might already think that…check that, you do think that based on our page views.)  

When’s the last time you heard a comic on-stage say “I love puppies. And hugs are great too.”?  You haven’t, because it isn’t funny and it doesn’t really get you laughing.  Most people laugh at people bitching about stuff because its most likely things you also are annoyed by and can appreciate people cracking jokes at it. 

If you think I’m being negative or hypercritical, its because I know that those are the kind things that people actually find somewhat comical.  I could rip off posts about how great my wife is or things my dog does that make me smile, but it might be quite the geigh post, no?   

So, we’ll try and pepper in a few positive posts and more comedy-driven posts like Big’s “explain a rap song” or caption contests, but yes, for the most part, this is going to be a forum for my bitching about things because, god damn it, that’s how you like it.  When Big gets back, we’ll go back to sunshine and daisies, until then, embrace your hate and come to the dark side.

Sometimes you just have to stand up and salute a good writer.

The headline caught me...

"If you use FourSquare, you are an annoying jackass"

Be still, my beating heart.

Then the opening lede...

"The mobile phone fad Foursquare is about to hit 1 million users. But while early adopters have signed on to play their little games, it's just another narcissistic assault on decent society by urban-dwelling iPhone users."

Could it be?

"Now people have started linking Foursquare to their Twitter and Facebook accounts, so some people's Twitter feeds read like an itinerary. "Joe is at Taco Bell." "Joe is at Wal-Mart." "Joe is at Tian'an Men Massage Parlor." Shut the fuck up, Joe. We don't care where you are! And if we did, we would text or call or email and say "Where are you?" Is that so hard? Even worse is if you're with Joe on a night out, and he's too preoccupied with earning his badges and seeing where everyone else is to actually talk to you. Hey, Joe. We're right fucking here trying to have fun in real life. Stop ignoring your friends, put down your iPhone, and try to engage with the real world like an actual person instead of some virtual game like some sort of limp World of Warcraft avatar."

...From sea to shining sea....

Why I hate social networking...

I've mentioned several times that I think sites like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Foursquare, etc. are the collective bane of my existence. For the record, I do own a Facebook account and co-manage our Twitter account, but I'm also keenly aware of the simple fact that my hypocrisy knows no bounds (in fact, wait till I call other people out on it!) Thing is, people ask my why my eyeballs tend to view my brain everytime I hear the words "Tweet" or "Check In" or "Sunday Funday". Given that, I'm going to try and break it down into 5 quick points.

1) "I'm eating a sandwich!! ZOMG!! It's totally yummy! LOL!" #funny4u #kthxbye

Read that sentence. Just read that fucking sentence one more time. Are you kidding me? "ZOMG", "LOL"? Who the fuck doesn't have a keyboard anymore on any god damn device the use? Type the god damned thing out. That's not even mentioning the "look at me" types who feel the need to let me know they're eating an, apparently, yummy sandwich. And what the fuck do you want me to do with the number sign and a few letters? Are you typing out your password? I don't understand, let alone give a shit about your hashtag. No one gives a damn about your life but you and your mother. And she'll be dead soon. You sad, lonely fuck.

2) Hypocrisy and Perceived Piety...seriously.

You're aware that you've got pictures of yourself doing a gravity bong and lining up whiskey shots to do off of your fat friend's back, right? You're aware that you've had a stripper grind her nethers into your nose so far that you were able to smell her womb, right? Let's tap the break on posting how much you love God and everything do you is for the capitalized "Him". I'm also pretty sure you don't say your prayers every night, and screaming "Oh God!1!!" as you cum on your kleenex covered plam doesn't quite count. You've been too hungover to go to church since you were 10. I'm not saying don't be religious. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and believe in a higher power. I am saying that I know you, you know you, and we know you. Let your social network abide by the separation of church and state. That's Tim from accounting running www.twitter.com/TheRealGod. It's the internet, stop taking it so seriously.

3) Your friends, family, and colleagues

Damn near everyone's got a Facebook account. That includes your family, younger and older, and the people you work with. They're friends with you and so are your friends. If, when nearing the age of 30, you're still living in fear of a picture of your dumb ass running naked through a party from last weekend while wearing an empty Miller Lite case on your head as a helmet, I've got 2 suggestions. A) Don't get drunk and run naked through a party where everyone has cameras (though the case helmet is good improvisational protection). and B) Carry 2 pages, one for friends and one for family and colleagues. It's that simple. Don't send a massive text on Sunday morning begging people not to tag you in pictures, and don't get mad if your friend posts a fucked up joke on your wall because that's how you two communicate. I don't say that from a higher moral ground, I say it because everyone I know that can see my account is well aware that I'm a complete and total idiot.

4) "But, I'm friends with everyone I meet!"

No, you aren't. You don't have 600 friends. You may have casually run into that ayn people, but you need to face the truth. Just because someone is a friend of your friend, that doesn't make them your god damn friend. Your friends don't even like you that much, you think someone who barely knows you does? Just because you meet someone at a bar or hear their name come up in a conversation doesn't mean you have to get on your phone and find them on a social networking site and be their friend. Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is? What the hell is the point of becoming friends immediately? It isn't like you're sharing witicisms regularly. You aren't planning events. Just slow your roll, if you're relevant, you'll remember them and they'll remember you.

5) Join my group! Be my fan! Join the cause!

I don't want to fucking join your group, be your fan or join a cause. If I gave half a shit about saving the dolphins in some remote village in Japan, than I might become a fan of joining the group that support the cause. I didn't on purpose. So don't fucking suggest to me that I should. I promise you, you totally joining the group to make sure that "Texas has more fans than any other state" is neither fun, appealing, interesting or important. To anyone. Including you. Stop it.

The ultimate counter-argument: "If you don't like it, don't use it"

I honestly can't argue with this point. It's like saying you're going to rehab. Ultimate force field. I could liken it to cell phones and say that in today's day and age it is damn near impossible to function without some kind of social networking, but you wouldn't believe me. I could say that it is, in some cases, the only way to directly communicate with long distance friends and family, but you'd argue that e-mail could accomplish that. I could say that these sites appear to be the only way to know what events are happening when, but, again, you could counter with e-mail accomplishing the same task. My argument is simple. I use these sites to easily share pictures, my own random thoughts, and to get information from others on upcoming events. Coloring outside of those lines is white noise to me, and that has drawn to a fever pitch of static and death metal kick drums.

Are you guys still writing?

The obvious answer here is no.

You probably want to know more, don’t you? 

I can’t speak for Big, but I damn sure can speak for myself, so here’s your answer.

I’m not paid to write on this site, therefore, I don’t have the motivation to do what it takes to promote this blog and deal with people on the internet.

Let me hit those points again .

1) I am not paid to write on this blog.

See, I have a job that pays me money.  This money allows me to live my life.  No money = no food, no rent, no nothing.  Should I spend my time doing something that makes me money or should I spend time doing something that doesn’t.  Also, I’m fucking busy at work.  I don’t even know what’s happening in the world or sports or the world in general. “Well, if you enjoy what you’re doing and it makes you happy, you should spend time doing that.”  Idealistic, but valid. 

2) I don’t like writing for people I know.

Does that shock you?  There’s a reason I write under a pseudonym.  It allows to write stupid drivel about things and take shocking stances on things under the cloak of anonymity.  “What a pussy” is what just ran across your head.  Sure, there’s a point there.  However, I live in corporate America.  I can’t just say whatever the fuck I want and have it comes back to me in a negative light.  So, the fact that the only people that read this god damned site are the people I know personally seem to go completely opposite to that.   Therefore, I just don’t care to write anymore.

3) I don’t want to deal with stupid people on the internet

Life is serious enough as it is.  I have to deal with stupid, over sensitive people on a daily basis. You think I want to put up with that shit on the internet too?   Look at Facebook, what the fuck is it with you people?  Stop taking that thing so seriously.  Pick up the phone and call one of your friends and talk about it, status updates and wall posts are bullshit.   Look at this from the former UniTQM.  The guy makes a joke about someone and their blog, and everyone gets all butt hurt about it.  IT’S A FUCKING BLOG ON THE INTERNET.   He shouldn’t have to apologize for anything he says about anyone, and if you’re blog gets criticized, who the fuck cares?  Blogspot isn’t some time honored journalistic institution.  This is the same hosting service that provides Guess Her Muff and Show Me Your Butt Hole to the world, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to maintain journalistic integrity or mind yourself for libel or people’s feelings.

What I’m trying to say is we’ve swung so much as a society that everyone wants to have their pulpit to speak from.  It’s tiring and annoying and I’m over contributing to it (yes, I understand the irony of this post and that sentence. No need to point that out to me.)   We’ve moved from everyone getting to have their 15 minutes of fame to everyone begging for 15 minutes of privacy.   Rather than being treated to me and Gerry Dorsey mocking each other and going prop bet over tomorrow’s game, you’re stuck with nothing.  Thanks, internet, you’ve killed the internet.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again

 

I hate teenagers.

In full disclosure, I do find entertainment in Andy Samberg.  I think the guy has talent, and he is pretty damn funny.   He managed to lure me in to watching the MTV Movie Awards this year.

My reaction?  Remove metal detectors from schools and let’s go back Darwinian physics.

Look, I understand that MTV has always catered to the lowest common denominator.   I remember Howard Stern doing the Fartman bit, but I’m pretty sure that my generation’s youth wasn’t this fucking retarded.

Allow me to rundown some winners for you:

• Movie: “Twilight”
• Actor:  The Efron kid from “High School Musical 3”
• Actress: The drunk girl from “Twilight”
• ”Breakthrough” Actress: The one girl who didn’t get naked in pictures from “High School Musical 3”
• ”Breakthrough” Actor: The smelly kid from “Twilight” who played Cedric Diggory in the “Harry Potter” flicks.
• Best Song: Hannah Montana
• Best Fight: Twilight
• Best Kiss: Twilight
• “Generation Award”: Ben Stiller

I feel like such an old man because, I don’t even know what the hell this “Twilight” thing is, short of the fact it’s got to do with vampires and shit.  (By the way, my playing Castlevania as a kid made me a dork, but liking “Twilight” makes you cool????)  But this movie was up against actual good movies. 

I know what you’re thinking, “relax, man, these are kids, they’re not going to pick “The Wrestler” or “Slumdog Millionaire” over “Twilight”.   There is no way in hell this show was geared towards kids.  I was rendered pretty uncomfortable by the jokes that were told, and pretty shocked at the language the got away with. 

And that’s what it boils down to.  Viacom and MTV aren’t to blame, it’s the consumer.  The target demo?  You got it, the 15-22 crowd.  This is the future of the world, and I’m supposed to be okay with the fact that this is what entertains them? 

Mike Judge, I’m pretty sure, was telling a joke with the movie, “Idiocracy”, but with my first 2 hour dalliance with MTV in a long time, that movie may become more of a mirror than we’d like it to be.

Fucking teenagers.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

So, I’m allowed to do whatever I want on the blog today because it’s my birthday.  I’m just going to put down a list of things that I hate. (This isn’t an exhaustive list.)

• Midgets
• Teenagers
• People who don’t get sarcasm
• Cats
• Peach flavored yogurt
• Women who think it’s okay to fart
• Old Japanese people
• Oklahoma
• Sarah Jessica Parker
• The Violent Femmes
• Cooper Manning
• Frosted tips
• Mohawks and Faux-hawks
• White people with chinese character tattoos
• Hippies
• Twitter
• People who go to tanning salons

Ok, so I kind of ran out of gas there…told you it wasn’t exhaustive.  Anyway,  it’s time to ask the eternal question…how can she slap?

It’s official, I’m old and out of touch

Your Honor, I’m just a caveman

Twittering. Tweeting. Twatting. Whatever the hell it’s called when someone puts something on the Twitter.

I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. Exactly what is appealing about reading small snippets about what someone is doing? Are we that ADD of a nation drenched in Idiocracy now?

I had the following discussion with a friend recently, and I’ll do my best to reproduce this verbatim.

Friend: “Dude, you need to get on Twitter.”

Me: “Why”

Friend: “It’s the next big thing. Everyone’s doing it. Facebook is so yesterday.”

Me: “I just got on Facebook a few months ago and it’s already obsolete?”

Friend:“Yeah, man, it’s all about Twitter. It’s bad ass.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “It just is, dude! You can put what you’re doing and people can follow you.”

Me: “Why not just text what you’re doing to people who would actually care?”

Friend: “You don’t get it. Trust me, dude, Twitter’s bad ass.”

Me: “I hate you.”

What is Twitter, exactly? As far as I can tell, it’s a place where you can put a sentence or two about what you’re doing. People can “follow” you and you can “follow” people.

That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

How is that appealing? How is that a social revolution? Trust me, I don’t have anything that I do or think that is remotely interesting. Only 2 of you read this, and one of which is Big!

Admittedly, I’m a little slow on the popular technologies. I just got on the Facebook, recently bought my first digital camera and still do not own an iPod. But, I’m just applying simple logic here and I can’t figure it out.

Somebody help me understand the benefit and draw of Twitter because I’m beyond lost.

Public Service Announcement

That guy...

If you ever see me with a voluntary mohawk, I give you full permission to punch me in the face and kidneys repeatedly until I'm spitting and pissing blood at the same time.

Thank you.

Looks like I'll have to sugar my own churro

Just like Bizzle, she likes them young

Okay, I'm not sure what's happening here.

I've been noticing a sharp increase in female high school educators seemingly fornicating with their underage male students. The latest story, Hope Jacoby, might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'd like to rant from two angles, please.

Rant 1: 10 Years ago.

I'm using that as a nice round number for when I was in high school. See, when I was in high school, teachers and faculty didn't look a thing like Ms. Jacoby up there. In fact, our faculty was all dudes or women in their upper 50's. Is this because I grew up in a small town in Texas? Possibly. Yet, I can't seem to find anyone else who grew up anywhere else that had women who looked like that working in their schools. I know women who work in schools, but they're all teaching in elementary school because it makes the most sense.

Also, when I was in high school, the running theme was that girls tended to want to be with older guys. Why? Shit if I know, but that was the case. How is it that kids these days are nailing 25 year olds? What the hell is going on here?

Which leads me into the second rant angle...

What is wrong with women these days? What the hell kind of curveball is this shit? You know the number one argument I seem to hear from girls and see on the television? Guys aren't mature enough for them. You know what we're not doing? Fucking high schoolers. To me, that seems slightly more mature than what Ms. Jacoby is doing.

If I think back to high school, I find it hard pressed to figure out what's so appealing about a guy who's face looked like a pepperoni pizza, hair like Clark Kent and glasses that could melt ants on the sidewalk. (Then again, I look the same short of the fact my hair is receding...hey, ladies.)

And let's not kid ourselves, these guys are not victims at all. You won't find a single teenage guy who's complaining about getting into the guts of a 23 year old girl. Check that, you won't find ANY guy who's complaining about that.

I give up trying to make sense of this anymore. 10 years ago I was surrounded by girls who wanted older guys and ancient women teachers. Now I'm apparently surrounded by girls who want to do nothing but bang 15 year olds.

I know we don't have any female readers, but if for some reason a female is reading this, please make sense of this for me.

Try not to laugh at that....

Introducing, PUPPY FRIDAY!

There's a lot of stuff happening this week and into this weekend.

-Cowboys attempting to save their season
-Big college football games
-North Texas's homecoming (Big goes for drunk fame, I go for drunk infamy)
-World Series games
-Cold front in the area
-I test the new air filter registers I just installed at the house
-And a whole slew of other activities...

HOWEVER, the thing I want to bring to attention is a little move known as "High School Musical 3". I have my own set of thoughts on this, but I came across this entry at FilmDrunk.com, and all I could do was stand up, salute and wipe the tear from my eye.

"This movie is going to make a billion dollars. You know what I call that? Poetic justice. This is exactly what all of you sex and violence-hating pussies deserve: a nation full of gay kids. Because you know what you get when you take nudity and gun fights out of movies? You get a bunch of f-cking kids doing a big musical number about basketball on the basketball court. Then you hand your son a basketball and tell him to go play and wonder why he just stares at it like it’s a stage prop. Look at that f-cking picture! I gazed at it a little too long and all of a sudden I was French-kissing a man. Just imagine your kid sitting through two hours of that. That would make a lumberjack love cock.

But I’m sure it’s fine. Just make sure you send him to one of those camps that cures gay people, where they make him bunk with 20 other gay kids and all the counselors are guys who were gay until they learned how to conquer their queer with Jesus."

God bless you, sir. God bless you.

So, there's a man and woman arguing on TV tonight...

Me, watching any television these days

This isn't a political post, so my rule still applies. If you try and make it one in the comments, you'll wish to God I don't find out who you are because I will scoop out your innards with a god damned taster spoon from Baskin Robbins and then let the Bear play in your guts like he's a pig in shit.

Apparently, there's a debate tonight between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, the vice presidential candidates. If you haven't been watching television, this is, supposedly, going to be the most watched and scrutinized event in the history of television. Ever. As in, if you don't watch this, you will be considered some kind of dirty Canadian and smarmy, know-it-all ass hats will look down on you with disdain.

I'm not a follower of politics. Not because I don't want to be uninformed, but because I don't care. It's not apathy, because I actually am aware of issues and how the government is handling it, I just don't care one way or the other what someone has to say about it. Run a "Wizards of Waverly Place" marathon on the Disney Channel versus a House Subcommittee meeting on C-SPAN, and chances are, my television is tuned to the Mouse. (Note: this happened for a week straight at a La Quinta.)

I keep hearing about how this is the most important election ever, in America's 232 years, there has never been a more important election. "Vote or Die" I'm told, like if I choose to abstain from voting, somehow my face will melt like "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

Look, every election is important. The only reason it's "more important" now than before is that the media and stupid people have more tools than ever. 24-hour news networks, blogs, YouTube, all of it. If you want to have a voice, you can share it, and thereby you believe you'll influence some throng of people to think like you.

Here's the bottom line, and I can't make it any clearer: No one cares what you think.

I mean it.

It's like Fantasy Football. That's great, you play and you have like 4 different teams in the leagues you're in. That applies to you and you alone. I don't want to hear about who you have on what team because your thoughts don't apply to me.

I don't need Wolf Blitzer, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Jack Cafferty, Bill Maher, or a gaggle of actors and musicians telling me what they think of Sarah Palin shooting a moose or Joe Biden telling a crippled man to stand up.

Go form your own opinion about issues and those that represent them and, most importantly, KEEP THEM TO YOUR FUCKING SELF.

Don't try and engage me in a debate or conversation. Don't pollute my ears with your discourse on how Bush has either fucked the world or helped the world. Don't waste my time trying to explain how Obama loves gay people or McCain hates blacks. I don't care, and the chances are, no one around you cares either.

I should mention that this only applies to political opinions. Sports debates are fun and cheeky.

Today is shaping up to be one of those kinds of days...

How Brown feels today

You know those days where the second you wake up, you immediately know it's a better idea to hide under the covers and just wait for tomorrow?

Yup, one of those days.

I'm calling it quits at 11 am, maybe you'll hear from Big.

God, if you're listening...nevermind you stopped a long time ago

I've been following this story of the whole Gloucester Pregnancy Pact thing in Massachusetts.

I hope I'm not the only one who finds it to be the funniest god damned thing they've seen in awhile. Not so much "haha" funny, more "I'm laughing because this is the signal from God I've been waiting for that tells me the human race is doomed so I should drink as much scotch as I can." funny.

Now, apparently, one teenager has spoken up and said, "there was no pact."

I present, for your pleasure, from The Boston Channel, Lindsey Oliver, pregnant teenager.

"No. There was definitely no pact. There was a group of girls who decided that they were gonna ... they were already pregnant before they decided this. That they were gonna help each other with their kids so they could finish school and raise their kids together, to do the right thing was their decision. Not, let's get pregnant, like, as a group," Oliver said.

Her baby's father, Andrew Psalidas, impetus for pregnant teenager and dumb ass.

"I would just guess to say that girls are just ... getting unlucky, maybe," he said.

"Lindsey was on birth control. She was very careful with it, you know, because, obviously, we, at 17 and 20, we're not ready for a kid. But we're trying a lot harder now to get ready, that's for sure," Psalidas said.

Oliver steals the microphone...

"Well, I think that they sit there and they say that they want to make a difference and it's awful that all these kids are getting pregnant, but they don't want to do anything to help them. They won't put contraceptives in the nurse's office or anything and no kid wants to go into the store and buy them, or like, ask them mom to help them get birth control. Like, it's embarrassing. So, instead of, like, making them make the decision not to use any of them, they should be giving them out in the nurse's office so you can get it anonymously," Oliver said.

I've been banging my head on my desk repeatedly, so forgive me if my diatribe loses it's sting due to extreme loss of blood.

I was 17 once. I had sex before and since (my credit card's got the proof). I have no children. Why's that, you ask? Without asking anyone, I was able to deduce the common reasoning that the condom goes OVER THE PENIS. Science would conclude that if the sperm does not enter the vagine, then there is no chance of pregnancy.

I don't understand how kids and Mexicans don't get it. Obviously if you're not smart enough to know when to have kids, the last thing you need to do is create more generations.

Idiocracy, here we come.

Who am I and what am I doing here?

Hello, my name is Brown. You might remember me from such blogs as "MySpace: dearth of a nation, scourge of society" and "Human! The undiscovered white meat"

I used to write about fun musings and quips about observational life. I'd regale readers with stories about things I encountered. When Big and I started this thing, I decided my main focus would be sports.

Well, I'm about to get non sportsy on you.

Blog readers. Texas. America. World. I have something to tell you: I don't care.

Do I care how you feel about that? No. Why? Because, I don't care.

Almost everyone that knows me seems to understand that. Those that don't like to pretend that I care about things. Here's the secret, I don't.

Given the option of spending time with someone who wants me to give a damn about things or trying to masturbate to two Japanese women vomiting on each other, I'd say hand me the Jergens and tell Hiroki to stuff her finger down her mouth. Why? Besides the fact I love bulemic Asian women, it's simple, I don't care to make someone else think that I give a damn.

I spend my day working, sleeping and shitting, not necessarily in that order. I don't have the time to worry about other people be they friends, family or dead hookers, again, not necessarily in that order.

Now, sure, I do care about things. Those things are all self-centric. Is that egotistical? Probably. Do I care? No.

I also care about nachos. I love nachos. Can't get enough of them.

What I'm trying to say is this. Unless it pertains to me or directly affects me and my person, you might as well be talking to a wall. Am I listening? Nope. I'm actually sitting there wondering what I would do if I walked in on Sam Cassell cuddling with Vernon Maxwell in a Santa Claus suit. Why? I have no idea.

"But, Brown, we have to sit here and listen/read your thoughts and feelings! That's not fair. Why should we care?"

Exactly how the fuck do I know or why the fuck should I care? Tell me where it's written that life is fair or that I should give a damn.

I'm busy with things, and I can't post every day. Big's funny. Big cares. Big loves you. Enjoy that and quit bitching to me.



(None of the above was true, I actually do care)



(Not really, the part about nachos was true.)



(Asian women too)


(Not really)



(Really)

Brown quits life

That's it. I'm done. Big or Bear is going to have to cut my body down from the rope hanging from the fan in my living room.

Folks, this was on MSNBC (granted the Entertainment/Gossip area), and yes, they refer to it as a "scandal".

"De facto Starbucks spokes-twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen might have a scandal on their hands. A former barista from the Olsen’s oft-frequented Starbucks in New York’s West Village allegedly used to swap out skim milk for the full-fat variety when the girls came by for their caffeine fix...

...one fellow latte-lover close to the Olsens (who requested anonymity) said that she sympathizes with the twins — to an extent. “It’s also my worst nightmare — that and getting a huge diet fountain soda that is mistakenly regular Coke — but I can def(initely) taste the difference"

Yup, I'm done. Goodbye world.

I'd like to think we had a hand in this...

You might remember a certain anti-meth advertisement from Montana.

Well, the state of Montana decided to take those ads down from the highways.

"One recent outdoor ad pushed the envelope pretty far. The ad (seen above) depicted a young woman on the ground with a man, mostly out of frame, over her, in an implied sexual position. The copy says, "15 bucks for sex isn't normal. But on meth it is." According to a story in the Helena Independent Record, the Montana Meth Project agreed to remove the ad in response to complaints from a parents organization. The ad was running on about 10 billboards around the state. There are other outdoor ads in this series, with disturbing images of people with bruises or other injuries, but this was the only one involving sex.

...

The campaign has a signature look of sharp, high-contrast, color images, showing models with clammy-looking skin in extremely grim surroundings."

If you're interested, click here for the full gamut of anti-meth ads that Montana was running.

UPDATE: The Great Barstoolio has made these into sports-centric ones. God bless you, sir.

Is this the alternate 1985?

Help me, Emmett L. Brown! What the hell is going on?

I step away for a few days to handle some personal stuff (fucking life, always interfering) and the world and sports landscape goes crazy

• Roger Clemens fucks 15 year olds
• An old Austrian man fucks his daughter in a basement dungeon
• An obvious mafia hit on the "D.C. Madam"
• The Mavericks are seriously considering hiring Rick Carlisle. RICK CARLISLE!!! The guy couldn't win the Eastern Conference!
• A horse, supposedly trained by one of our avid readers, wins the Kentucky Derby with such an obvious "Brown-esque" move: the horse behind him was a female with two broken ankles that got killed during Big Brown's celebration! (If that's not scene control, I quit.)
• The Stars reminded Dallas that they're relevant and can do things that no one else in this city can do. You know, win when it matters.
• Cedric Benson gets pepper sprayed, arrested and HE WAS THE ONLY ONE ON THE ENTIRE BOAT that had it happen to him in Austin. (Right, "I'm not Ricky" my ass.)
• Mark Teixeira has a good April and is now, supposedly, rumored to become the new Yankee first baseman.
• Every MLB team will be playing against Indiana Jones on May 22nd
• The New Orleans Hornet set the floor on fire, literally
• Chris Cooley looks to supercede Gilbert Arenas as the world's most favoritest athelete blogger.
• Papa John's Pizza angers LeBron, therefore the state of Ohio.
• A soccer streaker gets to pose for Playboy, and she'll end up making more than some players in the league.
• Jessica Simpson is going to write and RELEASE a song about Tony Romo. (By the way, why in the hell did "D" Magazine say she's the most popular blonde in Dallas?)
• De La Hoya wins against Steve Forbes, as to why a multimillionair magazine titan is boxing, you've got me.
• And Kobe is slated to win his first MVP award.

Now, someone tell me when I'm supposed to go back to and stop Bear from getting the 2015 Grey's Sports Alamanac.

I hate rich people

Cry me a fucking river.

Let me get this straight, people are complaining in Plano because other people are building golf nets too tall?

You purposely build your house right next to a fairway or green and then you complain that you have to put up a net to protect your house from the onslaught of golf balls? Then you complain that golf technology is getting "too good" and now you have to build higher nets and that hurts property value? At the same time, you're going to bitch that your neighbor has put up a net to protect his or her house and that ruins your view?

Look, you stupid ass holes, we amateur golfers suck. Even the best golfers I know will occasionally slice a drive off the tee or miss the green so badly they get into a backyard. Unless you build your house off of a golf course in Augusta, GA, you'd better believe this is an assumed risk on your part.

I think that people who have the time to complain about these things in front of city councils should find something better to do with their time.

Want a suggestion? Have a Coke, put a smile on your face and shut the fuck up.