I’ve just had one of those moments…

You know when you’re having a bad day?  Things don’t seem to be going right, stress level is high, all you want to do is just hide under the covers until the next day?  One of those kinds of days.

Well, I’m having one of those days…correction…I was having one of those days.

Then it happened.  I might have just taken one of the top 5 shits of my life. 

This shit has seriously turned my entire day around.  I emerged from the bathroom a new man.  Really, this was one of those poos where you sit down and it’s like the gates of hell are unleashed.  You shrink a waist size or two, and all of the sudden you have a six pack. 

The best comparison I can give you is it’s like one of those times where you have sex, and you realize that you’re lasting much longer than usual and your sober.  You’re kind of like “this is odd, I’m not even close” so you say, “fuck it, I’m going for broke” and you turn into a young Peter North.  

Anyway.  I’m not sure what caused this shit to happen.  But, my day has gone from bad to awesome in one sitting. 

That is all.

TB & TB Movie Review: Transformers 2 Revenge of the F---EXPLOSIONS!!!!!

Me, Big and Bear decided to take in a movie the other day, and we decided to go and rekindle some old school hobbies and watch “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen”.

In one word, here’s my review : GodFuckingAwful

I know I’m getting old now because normally this kind of movie is right up my alley.  I played with Transformers as a kid.  I enjoyed the first movie, probably more for the novelty of it.  However, this movie was just about the worst sack of shit I’ve ever seen.

Let’s re-cap.

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

Shia LaBeouf.  13 year old humor.  Sex jokes geared toward high schoolers.  Downloads the intersect into his brain from the cube. (No, I didn’t just describe “Chuck”, the same thing happens here.)

Megan Fox.  Finally, we have something positive.  Let me expound on this a little more.  I love Megan Fox.  If I’m brokering a “free pass clause” from the lady, this is my choice.  Seriously, I’d eat pudding out of Megan Fox’s ass if she asked me.  If we’re at a point where Megan Fox was asking me to do that, I’ve accomplished everything I plan on accomplishing in life, so I’ve probably died…that or I’m fantasizing while seductively licking a Snack Pack out because I can’t find any spoons.  Anyway…back to the review

EXPLOSIONS!!!!

Shia LaBeouf’s mom gets high and acts funny.

Cameo by Raine Wilson.

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Really uncomfortably racist robots.

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

MORE EXPLOSIONS!

John Turturro in his underwear.

Robots fighting.  Don’t know who’s good, who’s bad, who’s winning, who’s who.  EXPLOSION!!!

Borrow the set of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”

Robot with balls.

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Shia LaBeouf goes to Robot Heaven to talk to Optimus Prime’s ancestors.  (I swear to God I am not making that up.  Did the Futurama writers get a hold of this script?)

EXPLOSIONS!!!

Linkin Park song.

Fin.

I fear Idiocracy has set in because this was pretty much a chance for Michael Bay to blow as much shit up as he could and make 13 year olds laugh their asses off.

The Passing of Michael Jackson

If you know me, then you know that I am one of the biggest Michael Jackson fans there can be.  I spend most of my day jamming to Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson while working, and I’ve been known to entertain wedding receptions with my renditions of “Don’t Stop Till you Get Enough”.

So, when I heard the news last Thursday that MJ had passed away, I can honestly say that it didn’t register.  Given that Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett had just died, I thought it was a creepy coincidence, but beyond that, I didn’t think twice about it.

Then the weekend hit, and I found myself watching 2 and 3 hour blocks of videos on VH-1.  (By the way, fuck you MTV.  I understand you don’t play videos anymore, but Michael Jackson made your god damned network what it is.  Why not take a break from your Made marathon and other bull shit like that and pay some fucking tribute.  Kurt Loder doesn’t have a job anymore, throw him a bone already.)

I’ll go ahead and say it.  I miss Michael Jackson.  Sure, he hasn’t done anything of relevance in the past 15 years, but he was planning on putting together the world tour, and I was planning on going.  When I heard that there was going to be a giant reunion tour with MJ and the Jackson 5 at JerryWorld, I was pretty much ready to fork over any amount of cash to go.  You can take your George Strait and U2, give me J5.

“But what about the fact that he diddled 12 year old anus?”  (Hello, pervert pedophile Google searchers, you’re going to jail soon!) Um, pretty sure that didn’t effect his ability to make music.  Look, I understand he had turned into this creepy, ghoulish character who liked little boys too much.  I don’t care.  I’m not saying that I wanted to be like the man, I just said that I was a big fan of his music. 

You can mock me all you want to, but I miss MJ, and I’m really sad that he’s dead.

Another reason i'm scared of getting old

Every time I drink, I feel it. Every time I work out, I feel it. Hell Every time I look at a teenager and think "holy crapy they are young," I feel it.

And now, another reason to be scared of getting old.



now how will i get chicks?

Why you won’t hear from us much this week

It was quite the party on Sunday.

I decided to break every unwritten man-law ever created.

Big recreated an A&W commercial, only with a beer keg.

Bizzle felt the need to show his penis…to another dude.

Bear’s dead.

See what you did!

Due to a certain grizzly like fellow, and his breaking of the baseball team here in Dallas. My good pal and writing buddy has decided to move to Nebraska.

And he's taking his cheese and water bottle full of Jager with him.



Way to go buddy. Way to go.

Fellow Computer Dorks, meet your new desktop wallpaper…

 

Image Source : Gizmodo

Is this for real?

Because I’m on board the second they showed Cleveland hanging out with a Bear…it’s like my god damn life story.

Everybody's doing it!

I don't know what has been in the air the last few weeks, maybe its a side effect of the swine flu, but either my overly horny self is seeking it out, or there have been a lot of famous people getting naked recently.

I love hot naked women, so i thought you sexy reader might as well.

NOTE! All links are NSFW! You have been warned.








Gwyneth Paltrow

Rihanna

Mary-Louise Parker . The mom from weeds. So, so great.

jessica biel.

and because everybody else is doing it...Me

SO there you go. Hope this makes up for lack of posts recently.

Holla.

Your Tuesday afternoon pick-me-up

Courtesy of Brahsome

Damn the swine flu!

Need a Monday afternoon pick-me-up?

Oh My God…thank you Warming Glow

I guarantee you that I have dated women this crazy.  In fact, I bet you that Big and Bear would tell you that I actively seek these kinds of women out.

Thanks to Warming Glow, we’ve found my dream girl.

Go watch this video. Seriously. Go watch it now. Stop reading this. Click the damn link.

I love Channel 10 also.

Just because I wanted 25 posts this week

I present you with what might be the funniest link on the internet:

Why the F Do You Have a Kid.com

Courtesy of Gordon Keith

Quite honestly, the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Big, in about 15 years.

Saw this story on CNN.com, and found myself hanging my head and questioning humanity. I might be one of the few people I know who doesn’t smoke. Big smokes. Bear smokes. Whenever we leave a bar, I smell like I’ve been hanging out with Pete Rose’s sister.

If you read the story, the old man says that the government is “picking on poor people”. I’m gonna have to call bullshit there, buddy, as I’m pretty sure that a) no one forced you start smoking and b) the amount of money you spend on cigarettes could be spent towards quitting said cigarettes.

If you didn’t read the story, the U.S. government has slapped the biggest tobacco tax ever today, almost 62 cents a pack. Pretty hefty, but do I give a shit? Nope. Do I support it? Hell yeah, I do. Why the hell shouldn’t I? Last I checked, cigarettes cause cancer. I know that. You know that. The guy struggling to walk to his mailbox knows that. To quote KSK, “NO ONE DENIES THIS!” And, I think we can all agree, cancer sucks.

The government isn’t banning cigarettes, and you’re still allowed to have them. If they were making them illegal, it’d be a different story. However, if the government wants to tax the vices of the citizens, then I say it’s a damn smart idea to build revenue. These things aren’t a necessity to live, you wanna smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol that’s fine by me, but you’d better be able to afford it. It’s not a bad thing to take the concept and apply it to marijuana either. Make it legal and tax the shit out of it. It’s a great source of revenue in these current cash strapped times.

If you smoke, either shut up and pay extra or quit smoking.

A Twitter Follow-Up, Courtesy of HotClicks

I like Star Wars, and I like Dallas.

Thank you, FilmDrunk, for finding this and quenching two cravings

Greatest. Story. Ever.

There are days when you come across a story that is so crazy, wild and nuts that you really don't know what to do yourself. I don't like to wish bad things on people, but i will laugh my ass off when something like this happens.

Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers.

The ShamWow guy's last name is Shlomi? That was worth reading the article right there. But wait, there is more.

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room.

Violent confrontation with a prostitute huh? Well, I wonder what he did, or asked the hooker to do, that started this "confrontation." Please lord let it have been an argument over how much man juice a shamwow can hold, with Shlomi issuing the line "well lets see how much blood it can clean up!"

(Shlomi) retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris(the hooker) about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

I don't know much about hooker laws and practices, but I would like to think if you bring one up to your super nice hotel room, offer to pay her 1000 bucks for just some regular sex, and then you explain to her that your the shamwow guy, she shouldn't bite your tongue. But that's just me.

After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons

Whoa Whoa, Booze was involved? Get the Fuck Out. And this was his mug shot.



I swear to you these two picks are of the same person. ShamWow, you have ruined yet another life.

H/T : Film Drunk

South Park wins the title for most genius mainstream cartoon

"The Simpsons" is great, but is kind the old school player. They can bring the heat if they need to, but everyone knows they're the king, and just accepts it. Kind of like Shawn Michaels.

"Family Guy" is the new kid on the block who's captured everyone's hearts and is great doing what it does. Kind of like John Cena.

"South Park" however. "South Park" is the one that keeps going away so you kind of forget about it, but then it comes back with such jaw rattling fury you realize, it's always been the king. Kind of like The Undertaker.

If you didnt see "South Park" last night (if not, see it here.) You missed Trey Parker's and Matt Stone's giant middle finger to America's darling, Disney. The Jonas Brother, Grey's Anatomy (on ABC - owned by Disney), and Mickey Mouse were pretty much torn a gigantic new ass hole.

I stand up and salute you, "South Park".

A note about the urinal

Why so close?

Simple invention, usually made of porcelain that adorns the public restrooms for men across the nation.

Sometimes it's a short object placed at waist height. Sometimes it runs from floor to chest. Sometimes its just a giant trough.

Sometimes there's ice on the bottom, sometimes there's the "urinal cake" on the bottom, sometimes there's a filter sheet for, well, I'm not sure what they want to filter.

Sometimes there are dividers between urinals, other times you're forced to stand shoulder to shoulder with dudes you don't know.

The urinal.

Let me tell you something, I hate these fucking things.

Check that, I have no problem with the urinal per se, I just have a problem with the setup of most bathrooms. Dividers or not, I still have to stand uncomfortable close to dudes. I hate pissing amongst a group of people. It's not stage fright, because I really doubt (and hope) that no one is really paying any attention to me, but I just don't enjoy relieving myself amongst a group of people.

Since I know 90% of you that read this thing, think of the bathroom at The Tavern in Denton. Stupidest fucking setup I've ever seen.

Before you say it, no, I don't sit down to pee. I just prefer a stall given the fact that I can shut a door. I highly doubt I'm the only person in the world who isn't a fan of the public nature of the men's restroom. Am I?

Chalk it up to one of my many irrational pet peeves.

File this in "stuff I couldn't make up"

Big, posing with his Batleth

Here I am, perusing CNN.com and I see the headline, Klingon Sword Used During Crime.

Needless to say, you have my attention.

Colorado Springs police are looking for a man who hit two 7-Eleven convenience stores early Wednesday, armed with a Klingon sword.The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans and wearing a black mask, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from the Star Trek TV series.

The robber demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount.A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N. Union Blvd., where a man matching the previous description entered the store with a similar weapon.

He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk refused and the robber ran off.

Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon type sword, called a "Batleth."

Neither clerk was injured in the robberies.

Oh my goodness. That story is awesome in so many ways.

-A man owns a Klingon sword.
-A man chooses to rob store with said store. (I imagine a scene similar to "Pulp Fiction" when Bruce Willis is deciding among weapons)
-He demands money, the clerk says "no", so the guy just runs away.
-The clerks are able to recognize and identify not only the fact that the sword if from Star Trek, but the name of the sword type.