Things I’m irrationally afraid of…

We’ve all got things we’re afraid of, whether tough guys like Big want to admit it or not.   Most things are traditional types of fears/phobias – heights, enclosed spaces, bugs, snakes, prison, etc.  Others tend to skew on the irrational side of phobias – the number 13, pennies, mustard, etc.

Well, I was joking when I saw the Subway commercials this weekend that I think I need to add Layla Ali to my list of things I’m irrationally afraid of.  Then I got to thinking about it, and I have a couple of things that I’m afraid of that are kind of irrational.  Now, I realize that my friends are complete dicks and will purposely put me in a room of these things, but that’s just what you ass holes do.

So, in no particular order:

1) Layla Ali – Watch a Subway commercial.  Tell me if you don’t think that woman has the capacity to rape you…WITH YOUR OWN PENIS.

2) Whales – Yes, it’s true. I hate whales. They scare the shit out of me. It doesn’t mean that I curl into the fetal position at Sea World, but God help me if I’m on a boat and see a whale.  There’s nothing majestic about a giant animal that, by simply altering its direction under water, can take out the object that is keeping me afloat and everyone in it.  Whales, they’re fucking Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”…stupid enough to swim into Boston Harbor and big enough to take down an armada…yet somehow, succumb to the Japanese…it’s why I buy Sony products.

3) Children singing – Listen to Pink Floyd’s “the Wall”…that’s some fucking scary shit. Now listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Aeroplane'”.  Now listen to the kids choir in “Home Alone'” JUST AS FUCKING SCARY!  Kids are creepy when they sing.  Laugh, play, enjoy all you want to, but the minute a group of kids start singing, hackles get raised on my back.

Okay, this post ran out of steam because I got a phone call and totally lost my train of thought.  So, there you go, I’m afraid of Layla Ali, Whales and Children Singing…so, take me to Sea World when she’s doing an appearance with the Vienna Boys Choir and you might see my explode like the movie Scanners.

Are you guys still writing?

The obvious answer here is no.

You probably want to know more, don’t you? 

I can’t speak for Big, but I damn sure can speak for myself, so here’s your answer.

I’m not paid to write on this site, therefore, I don’t have the motivation to do what it takes to promote this blog and deal with people on the internet.

Let me hit those points again .

1) I am not paid to write on this blog.

See, I have a job that pays me money.  This money allows me to live my life.  No money = no food, no rent, no nothing.  Should I spend my time doing something that makes me money or should I spend time doing something that doesn’t.  Also, I’m fucking busy at work.  I don’t even know what’s happening in the world or sports or the world in general. “Well, if you enjoy what you’re doing and it makes you happy, you should spend time doing that.”  Idealistic, but valid. 

2) I don’t like writing for people I know.

Does that shock you?  There’s a reason I write under a pseudonym.  It allows to write stupid drivel about things and take shocking stances on things under the cloak of anonymity.  “What a pussy” is what just ran across your head.  Sure, there’s a point there.  However, I live in corporate America.  I can’t just say whatever the fuck I want and have it comes back to me in a negative light.  So, the fact that the only people that read this god damned site are the people I know personally seem to go completely opposite to that.   Therefore, I just don’t care to write anymore.

3) I don’t want to deal with stupid people on the internet

Life is serious enough as it is.  I have to deal with stupid, over sensitive people on a daily basis. You think I want to put up with that shit on the internet too?   Look at Facebook, what the fuck is it with you people?  Stop taking that thing so seriously.  Pick up the phone and call one of your friends and talk about it, status updates and wall posts are bullshit.   Look at this from the former UniTQM.  The guy makes a joke about someone and their blog, and everyone gets all butt hurt about it.  IT’S A FUCKING BLOG ON THE INTERNET.   He shouldn’t have to apologize for anything he says about anyone, and if you’re blog gets criticized, who the fuck cares?  Blogspot isn’t some time honored journalistic institution.  This is the same hosting service that provides Guess Her Muff and Show Me Your Butt Hole to the world, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to maintain journalistic integrity or mind yourself for libel or people’s feelings.

What I’m trying to say is we’ve swung so much as a society that everyone wants to have their pulpit to speak from.  It’s tiring and annoying and I’m over contributing to it (yes, I understand the irony of this post and that sentence. No need to point that out to me.)   We’ve moved from everyone getting to have their 15 minutes of fame to everyone begging for 15 minutes of privacy.   Rather than being treated to me and Gerry Dorsey mocking each other and going prop bet over tomorrow’s game, you’re stuck with nothing.  Thanks, internet, you’ve killed the internet.

The Passing of Michael Jackson

If you know me, then you know that I am one of the biggest Michael Jackson fans there can be.  I spend most of my day jamming to Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson while working, and I’ve been known to entertain wedding receptions with my renditions of “Don’t Stop Till you Get Enough”.

So, when I heard the news last Thursday that MJ had passed away, I can honestly say that it didn’t register.  Given that Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett had just died, I thought it was a creepy coincidence, but beyond that, I didn’t think twice about it.

Then the weekend hit, and I found myself watching 2 and 3 hour blocks of videos on VH-1.  (By the way, fuck you MTV.  I understand you don’t play videos anymore, but Michael Jackson made your god damned network what it is.  Why not take a break from your Made marathon and other bull shit like that and pay some fucking tribute.  Kurt Loder doesn’t have a job anymore, throw him a bone already.)

I’ll go ahead and say it.  I miss Michael Jackson.  Sure, he hasn’t done anything of relevance in the past 15 years, but he was planning on putting together the world tour, and I was planning on going.  When I heard that there was going to be a giant reunion tour with MJ and the Jackson 5 at JerryWorld, I was pretty much ready to fork over any amount of cash to go.  You can take your George Strait and U2, give me J5.

“But what about the fact that he diddled 12 year old anus?”  (Hello, pervert pedophile Google searchers, you’re going to jail soon!) Um, pretty sure that didn’t effect his ability to make music.  Look, I understand he had turned into this creepy, ghoulish character who liked little boys too much.  I don’t care.  I’m not saying that I wanted to be like the man, I just said that I was a big fan of his music. 

You can mock me all you want to, but I miss MJ, and I’m really sad that he’s dead.

And just like that, Simmons reminds people why he's the best in the business

Look, I'm a Bill Simmons apologist. Even when he got into his really bad overly-Boston centric writing and nothing existed beyond the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics. Even when he couldn't get past his own cliched writing about the Karate Kid.

However, his latest article has nothing to do with sports, and it could be one of the best things I've read by him.

It's not really funny, but if you've ever had a dog growing up or have a dog now that is pretty much family to you...well, you can relate to the article.

Article

Yeah, call me a sucker for sentimental articles about dogs, but...well...yeah.

Brown meets a real live football coach. Says nothing.

Normally, I have no problem chatting up people regardless of their fame status. After all, I'm the guy who called Kareem Abdul-Jabar Roger Murdock to his face and confused the shit out of him until he remembered he was in "Airplane".

However, I was eating dinner last night in Baton Rouge while on business, and I turn to my right only to see a small group of large gentleman in black and yellow shirts at the table next to us.

The man at the center?

Pittsburgh Steelers' coach, Mike Tomlin.

After doing a triple take, my boss wanted me to "Roger Murdock" him and introduce myself as a big fan of "House" and say I really think he was a better Willy Mays Hayes than Wesley Snipes ever could have been.

I couldn't do it for a few reasons:
1) Mike Tomlin really does look like Omar Epps, more so in person. I didn't want to be "that guy" and bring it up.

2) Mike Tomlin is a big fucking dude.

3) The Steelers scouts and coaches that were around him are big fucking dudes.

So, instead of nutting up and saying something witty about Cedrick Wilson and James Harrison or asking him if Ben Roethlisberger was mildly retarded, all I did was interrupt the conversation they were having about the Houston Texan receiving core (I shit you not), and in my meekest "Dikembe. Mr. Mutombo?" voice said "Hey Coach, big fan." and shook his hand.

This was my chance to "Roger Murdock" Mike Tomlin, and I failed.

I'm a big pussy.