Things I’m irrationally afraid of…

We’ve all got things we’re afraid of, whether tough guys like Big want to admit it or not.   Most things are traditional types of fears/phobias – heights, enclosed spaces, bugs, snakes, prison, etc.  Others tend to skew on the irrational side of phobias – the number 13, pennies, mustard, etc.

Well, I was joking when I saw the Subway commercials this weekend that I think I need to add Layla Ali to my list of things I’m irrationally afraid of.  Then I got to thinking about it, and I have a couple of things that I’m afraid of that are kind of irrational.  Now, I realize that my friends are complete dicks and will purposely put me in a room of these things, but that’s just what you ass holes do.

So, in no particular order:

1) Layla Ali – Watch a Subway commercial.  Tell me if you don’t think that woman has the capacity to rape you…WITH YOUR OWN PENIS.

2) Whales – Yes, it’s true. I hate whales. They scare the shit out of me. It doesn’t mean that I curl into the fetal position at Sea World, but God help me if I’m on a boat and see a whale.  There’s nothing majestic about a giant animal that, by simply altering its direction under water, can take out the object that is keeping me afloat and everyone in it.  Whales, they’re fucking Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”…stupid enough to swim into Boston Harbor and big enough to take down an armada…yet somehow, succumb to the Japanese…it’s why I buy Sony products.

3) Children singing – Listen to Pink Floyd’s “the Wall”…that’s some fucking scary shit. Now listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Aeroplane'”.  Now listen to the kids choir in “Home Alone'” JUST AS FUCKING SCARY!  Kids are creepy when they sing.  Laugh, play, enjoy all you want to, but the minute a group of kids start singing, hackles get raised on my back.

Okay, this post ran out of steam because I got a phone call and totally lost my train of thought.  So, there you go, I’m afraid of Layla Ali, Whales and Children Singing…so, take me to Sea World when she’s doing an appearance with the Vienna Boys Choir and you might see my explode like the movie Scanners.

The Brown Five - 12/13/07

The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..

1) Like a breathe a fresh air
Anyone else noticing that with Billy King gone, the 76ers have put together a nice little set of games? Dalembert is starting to show signs of what they've wanted him to be. Andre Miller (oh yeah, THAT Andre Miller) is showing signs of life, and the rookies are starting to come together. Now, I've always been a Mo Cheeks fan, though I can't say why. Maybe a good GM does matter. More on that story in the latest issue of "Duh" magazine.

2) Mitchell Report due at 1 pm today
How many owners are starting to feel buyer's remorse for some players they've made moves for? How many players are starting to feel like their Dad is gonna find out they nicked the car? How many times have Peter Gammons and Karl Ravech mutually masturbated in Bristol today? I'm putting the over/under at 20.

3) From the desk of Bobby Petrino

Atlanta Falcons players,

Out of my respect for you, I am letting you know, with a heavy heart, I resigned today as the Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons. This decision was not easy but was made in the best interest of me and my family. While my desire would have been to finish out what has been a difficult season for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate your hard work and wish the best.

Sincerely,

Bobby Petrino"

I'd like to add: "P.S. SOOOOOEEYY PIG!!"

4) TO and Me-Shawn
Why does anyone care? As long as Owens isn't calling out Phillips, Garrett or Romo, I don't give a shit who he's trashing. Keyshawn is standing up for the only coach who really gave half a shit about him, big deal. Owens is standing up for the coaches that are letting him have his best season ever. I've never been a big Key fan, and I've always been an Owens fan (yes, even when he was in San Francisco). Bottom line, who cares?

5) Cubs cut Mark Prior
Would you take a one year flier on this guy? How great was he when he first came out? Sure his arm was used more than Jenna Jameson's dildo, but still, after missing multiple seasons and rehabbing, would you sign him to a one year deal, just to see what he has in the tank? Think about it and comment.