Catching up

First off, did you like that ruse I pulled to get Big back?  I hope you did.  I’m gonna get that large man blogging again regularly whether he likes it or not. Admit it, it felt good, didn’t it? 

Anyway, I was out of town last week travelling and under water all weekend, so I missed out on a lot of things.

1. Charlie Sheen. 

Wow.  I refuse to believe any of this is legit. I think he and CBS knows how much Two and a Half Men is lampooned by everyone for being a shitty show that caters to the lowest common denominator and that watching that show regularly is akin to having brain herpes.  I think they crafted this elaborate ruse to rope the cynical viewer in so as to capture all audiences.  All of the stupid people who were already watching will continue watching, everyone else will tune in to see how Chuck Lorre writes himself out of this one.  Combine that with an inevitable book or movie coming out with Charlie Sheen – VIRAL MARKETING ALERT!

Anyway, it’s entertaining as hell, but I don’t buy it for one second.  People are already getting tired of “winning” and “tiger blood”.  The shtick will die when it turns into the next SNL bit and everything will return to normal.

2. Spring Training

Spring training has sprung.  We’re all watching the Rangers with baited breathe.  Will they do a good job?  Will Michael Young turn to cancer? Can CJ hold up the rotation?  Will Colby repeat?  Will Neftali Feliz make a good starter or are we “Joba Chamberlain-ing” him?   Kind of good to hear baseball be at the top of everyone’s sports brains in Dallas in March.  Great for the Rangers, but the Mavs are getting kind of ignored, which sucks.

3. Pluckers opened near me.

Not really much else to say, short of the fact that my wife and I are already regulars. 

Anything else?  No?  Good.  Talk to you tomorrow. 

College students…

Serve me my coffee, keep your political opinions to yourself.

I remember being in college.  A) I’m not that old and B) college was a memorable experience.  Now, I wasn’t a big partier, and my life’s goal wasn’t re-creating “Animal House”, but I wasn’t the depressed college kid who spent night alone staring at the wall because I’d gone from little pond to ocean of people. I was just a regular, non exceptional, one of 50,000 students at Texas.

My goal in college was basically to work my ass off to get a job that would provide the means to live my life the way I wanted it.  If I wanted to eat Velociraptor omelets sprinkled with diamonds to make my doo doo sparkle, then I’d have to work for it, simple equation.  I never really paid any attention to causes or politics, and if you’ve been to Texas, then you know that’s damn near impossible to do.

Anyway, I always made a point to read the daily newspaper and read the editorials as well as walk by the West Mall because I was guaranteed an interesting protest or awkwardly social cause.  I still make a point to read the campus newspaper online and follow along with comments, and now that I’m a ways away from college life, I’ve affirmed by simple belief.

College kids are stupid because they’ve got too much time and independence.

Think about it.  A lot of college students are in college to find out what they want to do for the rest of their lives.  It’s their first time away from home, and most of them have a certain sense of financial non-responsibility.  Either it’s parental support, scholarship or student loan combined with a part time job.  (I’m sure everyone who read this blog had to work 40 hours weeks and study 50 hours a week because they put themselves through school, and I’m just a spoiled brat who got in on scholarship, parental support and a part time job. I guess I’m spoiled then. First world problems!) 

Anyways, without any real fiscal responsibility and whirling in a general studies atmosphere with no supervision, I think college students find themselves in the enviable position to be able to glom on to current events.  So, you’ll have a group of thousands of college students protesting and trying to make arguments about how immigration reform should happen and taxes shouldn’t be raised and this state senator is doing this and this state senator is doing that.  They’ll write impassioned please for why student government matters and why if you don’t act now, the world is going to end.  They’ll think that this is there chance to recreate the 60’s where protests matters and social mores were challenged and things changed. I remember at commencement, we had the Secretary of the Treasury speak and a bunch of student tried to interrupt him by stripping their gowns and screaming “No Blood for Oil!” over and over again.

These kids pay little to no taxes and contribute nothing to society short of keeping vintage clothing stores open, and I’m supposed to give a shit what they think?  Pardon me if the voices I choose to listen to are the voices of people who are living in the real world and have real world problems.  People who support families, pay mortgages/rent and bills, pay taxes.  Sure, there are many people in college doing those things, but $10 says they’re not the ones politicking and protesting because those people have to make it to work and then make it home. 

Anyway, if you’re a college kid, spend your time enjoying college. Discover what you love to do. Get drunk on a weekday. Meet people and find new hobbies. Don’t try and act smarter than you are and beg for people to listen to you when you have nothing relevant to say. 

Why I hate social networking...

I've mentioned several times that I think sites like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Foursquare, etc. are the collective bane of my existence. For the record, I do own a Facebook account and co-manage our Twitter account, but I'm also keenly aware of the simple fact that my hypocrisy knows no bounds (in fact, wait till I call other people out on it!) Thing is, people ask my why my eyeballs tend to view my brain everytime I hear the words "Tweet" or "Check In" or "Sunday Funday". Given that, I'm going to try and break it down into 5 quick points.

1) "I'm eating a sandwich!! ZOMG!! It's totally yummy! LOL!" #funny4u #kthxbye

Read that sentence. Just read that fucking sentence one more time. Are you kidding me? "ZOMG", "LOL"? Who the fuck doesn't have a keyboard anymore on any god damn device the use? Type the god damned thing out. That's not even mentioning the "look at me" types who feel the need to let me know they're eating an, apparently, yummy sandwich. And what the fuck do you want me to do with the number sign and a few letters? Are you typing out your password? I don't understand, let alone give a shit about your hashtag. No one gives a damn about your life but you and your mother. And she'll be dead soon. You sad, lonely fuck.

2) Hypocrisy and Perceived Piety...seriously.

You're aware that you've got pictures of yourself doing a gravity bong and lining up whiskey shots to do off of your fat friend's back, right? You're aware that you've had a stripper grind her nethers into your nose so far that you were able to smell her womb, right? Let's tap the break on posting how much you love God and everything do you is for the capitalized "Him". I'm also pretty sure you don't say your prayers every night, and screaming "Oh God!1!!" as you cum on your kleenex covered plam doesn't quite count. You've been too hungover to go to church since you were 10. I'm not saying don't be religious. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and believe in a higher power. I am saying that I know you, you know you, and we know you. Let your social network abide by the separation of church and state. That's Tim from accounting running www.twitter.com/TheRealGod. It's the internet, stop taking it so seriously.

3) Your friends, family, and colleagues

Damn near everyone's got a Facebook account. That includes your family, younger and older, and the people you work with. They're friends with you and so are your friends. If, when nearing the age of 30, you're still living in fear of a picture of your dumb ass running naked through a party from last weekend while wearing an empty Miller Lite case on your head as a helmet, I've got 2 suggestions. A) Don't get drunk and run naked through a party where everyone has cameras (though the case helmet is good improvisational protection). and B) Carry 2 pages, one for friends and one for family and colleagues. It's that simple. Don't send a massive text on Sunday morning begging people not to tag you in pictures, and don't get mad if your friend posts a fucked up joke on your wall because that's how you two communicate. I don't say that from a higher moral ground, I say it because everyone I know that can see my account is well aware that I'm a complete and total idiot.

4) "But, I'm friends with everyone I meet!"

No, you aren't. You don't have 600 friends. You may have casually run into that ayn people, but you need to face the truth. Just because someone is a friend of your friend, that doesn't make them your god damn friend. Your friends don't even like you that much, you think someone who barely knows you does? Just because you meet someone at a bar or hear their name come up in a conversation doesn't mean you have to get on your phone and find them on a social networking site and be their friend. Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is? What the hell is the point of becoming friends immediately? It isn't like you're sharing witicisms regularly. You aren't planning events. Just slow your roll, if you're relevant, you'll remember them and they'll remember you.

5) Join my group! Be my fan! Join the cause!

I don't want to fucking join your group, be your fan or join a cause. If I gave half a shit about saving the dolphins in some remote village in Japan, than I might become a fan of joining the group that support the cause. I didn't on purpose. So don't fucking suggest to me that I should. I promise you, you totally joining the group to make sure that "Texas has more fans than any other state" is neither fun, appealing, interesting or important. To anyone. Including you. Stop it.

The ultimate counter-argument: "If you don't like it, don't use it"

I honestly can't argue with this point. It's like saying you're going to rehab. Ultimate force field. I could liken it to cell phones and say that in today's day and age it is damn near impossible to function without some kind of social networking, but you wouldn't believe me. I could say that it is, in some cases, the only way to directly communicate with long distance friends and family, but you'd argue that e-mail could accomplish that. I could say that these sites appear to be the only way to know what events are happening when, but, again, you could counter with e-mail accomplishing the same task. My argument is simple. I use these sites to easily share pictures, my own random thoughts, and to get information from others on upcoming events. Coloring outside of those lines is white noise to me, and that has drawn to a fever pitch of static and death metal kick drums.

So I have a problem with this.

Over the weekend, news "broke" on ESPN's outside the lines, that former USC basketball player O.J. Mayo received a bunch of money from an agent over the past 4 year. This would include that since he was a sophomore in High School, somebody was trying to buy their way into being his agent when he turned pro.

This is a problem that's been around sports for ever, and people have different thoughts and opinions about this stuff.

Some aren't surprised, and want to blame the NCAA and NBA for making these kids play one year of college ball.

Pat Forde thinks USC should get the Death Penalty.

I, myself, sit somewhere in the middle. Much like the use of performance enhancing drugs, I don't like the fact the college kids get free perks, but I know it happens. It happens everywhere. From the Brown's big bad UT, to Gerys Alabama, My North Texas, and the Serpa's South Carolina's institute of Technology. If your a bad ass, You get stuff free. Simple.

My problem lies with how ESPN found out about all this Mayo stuff. Enter Louis Johnson. He is a guy that until recently was a part of Mayo's cliq. Not a bad move for the guy, see this high school phenom, befriend him, knowing that he will make it to the pro's and get paid, and hang around for all the perks that come with it. While not the most noble idea, its a decent one non the less.

So Johnson gets booted out just a few weeks before payday, gets pissed and runs to ESPN to tell on his former friend.

In layman's terms. He snitched.

I hate people who snitch. I hate tattle tails, cry babies, and selfish people. I hate them all.

Now don't get me wrong, when it comes to seeing something bad, and police are involved, you have to tell the truth and say what you saw.

But when its just about money, and how your not getting some? Your a pussy, and a Snitch.

Can Johnson hit an 18 footer? Can he drive the lane? Can he carry his team with 18-7? Is he the one that is about to get drafted by an NBA team with a top 10 pick in this years draft?

No. Mayo is.

So because of his shortcomings, he has bring down someone else to his barren level of existence. Like I said earlier, all Schools have people taking money, Didn't you watch the Program? Who care if someone gave the Kid 30,000 over 4 years.

Fucking Snitch.

Well, this sucks

99-94
4-1

April 30th, and no more basketball in Dallas.

It's easy to play the blame game right now. So many people to choose.

Avery's inability to coach his way out of a paper bag.

The Kidd Trade

Damp's hands

Howards disappearing like a puff of smoke.

The decline of Stack

JET's defense (really Pargo goes off? you can't guard fucking PARGO?)

The fact that we still have Eddie Jones and Devon George on this team and its 2008

Dirk's inability to d-up David West.

All of these things combined to say one thing, We just aren't that good. We are a slow, unathletic, jump shooting team that has no post presence, no ability to run fast breaks, and nobody that can guard a 2 guard.

Wow.

You just saw the end of an era. For the past 8 years the Mav's have risen, apexed 2 years ago, and fallen. The question now is how far do they fall?

ohh sure there will be spin control. Like this Dirk quote after the game, where he is talking about the Kidd trade.

"I think it would have been a struggle to get into the playoffs either [with or
without the trade]. So we just went for it. Sometimes you have to take some
risks in this business. We went for it. We went for one of the greatest point
guards to ever play this game, a Hall of Famer.
"... For some reason we
never got clicking the way we wanted to. I'm sure we would love to have a
complete training camp with him and get used to each other more, but we didn't
have it. We had to get adjusted on the fly and things weren't ... I don't think
they were natural."

You are going to hear alot of stuff like that. Get ready.

Early prediction for next season? They fire Avery, Bring in somebody else, keep the same basic team, by the all star break when they are 25-30, fire sale, for cap space and draft picks. I think Dirk will be the only one standing when its all said and done.

Not fit for bagel consumption

So, if you haven't guessed as much from some of my past ramblings, I tend to travel a lot for work. I'd like to think I work in airports and hotel rooms the same way Picasso worked in his studio.

Normally, my trips are a single week and I immerse myself in local grub or fast food type eateries.

However, when I'm on a particularly long stretch, I will drive to the local grocery store and pick up some basic items to eat in the room, mostly breakfasty in nature with the snack food thrown in as well. One of these staples is a pack of bagels and regular cream cheese.

(Be patient, dick nose, I'm getting to the point of this post.)

I'm not sure when it happened, but somehow the cream cheese revolution occurred and no one told me. Gone are the days where you can confidently pick up a container of "Philadelphia REGULAR Cream Cheese" Oh no, now you've got "Regular Strawberry" versus "Low Fat Strawberry" or "Honey Nut" or other fruitful flavors that are often just trying to mimick the mixture of cream cheese and jelly/jam.

Fine, I get it. Me personally? I'm a fan of the plain old cream cheese. So when I see a container that says "REGULAR" and, at first glance, has no distinct color pattern to suggest otherwise, I throw it in the cart, pay and go home.

Upon unpacking my groceries, imagine my surprise when seeing this:

That's right: SALMON FLAVORED CREAM CHEESE.

I don't know how to photoshop, so trust me, that's the real deal.

If you're curious, it's the grossest tasting shit you can imagine. It's like spreading bacon fat on a blueberry bagel...only not as tasty as that might sound.

And before you ass holes say it, that's like the second time I've ever used my digital camera. I was a business major, not a fucking photographer.

Do they do bibliographies anymore?

Remember when we had to to agonizing reports and shit for grade school? Reports, research projects, whatever. They all involved some finite length report that had to be so many words, a certain amount of spacing, etc.

I never had a problem with doing this because it was always easy to go to the library, check out a few books, find a few lines, switch up the words enough to where it wasn't plagiarism and write my report.

What ended up fucking me in the end? The god damned bibliography. You know exactly what I'm talking about. That shit where you had to quote the source. It was a certain way, with certain punctuation and formatting of things. Basically, your teacher could use that shit to find out exactly where you got your shit from and she could tell if you copied it right out of World Book Encyclopedia. (A side note, how come schools always had the World Book from 10 years prior to the current year? For the longest time I thought there were two Germany's in the world. I was certainly surprised in college to find out there was just one.)

Anyways, did it dawn on anyone that kids don't have to do this shit anymore? No more going to the library and getting a physical book. No more painstaking bibliographies. Nope. All they have to do is Google and Wikipedia and BOOM there's the report AND THE GOD DAMNED REFERENCES ARE DONE FOR THEM.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying technology is bad. Shit, it's the argument I use to tell old people to fuck themselves when they say "you had a computer, I had to write with my hand". You think that's my fucking problem, John Lithgow? Well fuck you, sir, technology allows me to type shit up AND dance in Beaumont, TX. Ass hat.

Anyway, technology is one thing, but having that information readily available for you is a fat crock of shit. That's why kids are so fucking stupid these days. I agree with Big when he says you should be able to beat a child as soon as they turn 2 years old. I'm not sure why he said that, but I imagine that's why we were digging a hole in my back yard and he told me not to ask questions.

I'd like to go to Wikipedia and start editing the entries for Joan of Arc and historical things like that.

Joan of Arc was a national hero of France in the 15th century. She was also a huge dyke that took it to Frenchie with a strap on named "the Frog Leg".

I'd derive a great pleasure in knowing some 5th grader was typing that up on the report that was due the next morning.

So, if you're a kid, and you've stumbled upon this blog because you just Google-d Joan of Arc, go to a fucking library and learn the Dewey decimal system. While you're there, do what all of us did...find the medical encyclopedia and look for pictures of boobs and giggle your ass off.

ummm......OK

When you think of top musical acts over the course of the "radio era," I'm sure some names will pop into your head. Beatles, Elvis, U2, Springsteen, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Bon Jovi, and the like. Well last week, with a movement of 15 some odd spots, Mariah Carey now holds the 2nd most number of number one singles of all time. OF ALL FUCKING TIME!

MARIAH FUCKING CAREY!

"Touch my Body," The first single of her yet to be released E=MC squared album marks her 18th number one hit, putting her in the number 2 spot, sandwiched between the Beatles, and Elvis.

So just for clarification, the list goes like this

Beatles - 20
Mariah Carey - 18
Elvis - 17

I don't get it. I can't name one Mariah Carey song, and I bet you can't either. I challenge you to go into the comments, without looking up her bio, and list ANY song of hers. Fucking crazy.

How did you get to our website?

We have a little Google analytics thing on this site that lets us know what searches people are doing to get to our web site. I haven't really done too much to check on what people are searching to get here, but when I looked this morning...wow. All my Maverick woes are gone because I've been belly laughing for about 10 minutes now.

Here's some highlights of ACTUAL SEARCHES that people have done that have made them visit this little site right here.

twogirlsandacup - I like the fact that our website is now synonymous to women eating shit. Why do people need to Google this? Haven't they figured out the site to go to?

soulja boy ejaculation - I can only imagine some guy sitting at his computer looking for naked pictures of Soulja Boy Tellem, apparently ejaculating, and ending up on Big's comparison of the Mavericks to the Big Lebowski.

june jones fucker - Have we ever mentioned June Jones on this site? Neither of us care about SMU football or Hawai'i football. Let alone, why someone wants to see or call him a fucker.

new porn order - Giggle.

sam elliot nude blogspot - Again, I picture some frumpy housewife who has just seen "Tombstone" and thought the guy with the bushy mustache was uber-sexy. So she's in front of her computer looking for nude pics of him to get her rocks off. She specifies blogspot because, let's be honest, that's much more innocuous on your search history. What does she come across? A "STOP Hammertime" picture.

around and brown porno - And here I thought no one found out about this.

bigs clitoris - I always knew that he had one. This proves it.

bigs moms on small boys - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

boylove - Thanks, Google. I'm just waiting to walk into my own living room one day to find Chris Hansen asking me to sit down and tell him what this has to do with our website.

brown porn - A vast collection indeed. You should search for it.

Need help on your brackets?

Here's your ultimate guide to March Madness:

• Read a few posts on different sites so you know just enough about each team. Just say "I like Psycho-T" after each question about a player and you'll appear to have the basic grasp of things.
• Make a few daring picks like a 15 over a 2. If you're right, you can claim you're a genius. If you're wrong, just say "come on, did you really think I thought Tennessee would get upset? Whatever. "
• Make statements like "George Mason is totally setup to upset Notre Dame because they're a better team, but got a bad seed." People eat this shit up, and you look like you know what you're saying.
• Hate Duke, after all, that's the chic thing to do. Greg Paulus is the new J.J. Redick.
  
• Say "Bruce Pearl is a great coach who obviously cares about his team and his school" and make sure you ignore anyone who brings up the whole Illinois tenure...that didn't count.
  
• Mention to me that Texas set themselves up nicely by falling into the Houston region. Really, I need to know from other people what my team does because I've never paid attention to Texas sports.
  
• Mention to Big that mid-majors have no chance of ever succeeding. Seriously, he loves that shit, and might buy you a beer for your trouble.
• If anyone asks you what you think about teams that were left out of the tournament, just say "the NCAA hates the state of Virginia"....VCU totally deserved a chance to lose in the first round.
• Make sure you share your bracket with everyone. Don't wait for them to ask. It's like fantasy football, everyone is really interested in how your stuff looks and how things are going for you and your bracket.
  
• When Beasley gets "Kevin Durant-ed" out of the first round, be the first to make the comment: "It doesn't matter, he'll still be the first pick in the NBA!"
• Pick a random team, and claim you've followed them all season. Drake! Xavier! Brown's perennial, Gonzaga! St. Joe's! Come on, folks, bandwagons are filling up now!!!
• Look down on anyone when they question why the tournament names an "MOP" and not an "MVP"
• Tell anyone from California that Kevin Love isn't as good as Tyler Hansborough. Watch a live brain aneurysm take place as they argue the East Coast media bias.
  
• If anyone from Baylor speaks up, tell them Dave Bliss called and said "you're welcome"
  

If you really want some insight on what's happening, check out the boys at Thirty Five Seconds. These guys have paid attention to CBB all season, unlike anyone else you know who claim to have done the same thing.

Are they really going to help you pick your bracket? Probably not, but at least you can make some educated guesses.

Have fun on your brackets people. It's Spring Break, so your boss wasn't expecting you to get much work done anyway.

Side note: For those that are wondering why I haven't filled out my bracket in our ESPN challenge, it's because my computer won't load the bracket picker. Rest assured, I've already got it loaded on CBS Sportsline, so my picks are made.

I had no idea we were so popular among English majors

Given the frequency of these comments from readers, those we know and those we don't, I'm shocked at the amount of English majors and/or English teachers read this blog.

We all know that Big is semi-retarded when it comes to spelling. We all know that grammar and punctuation haven't been strong points in either of our writing since maybe the 9th grade.

That being said, don't waste my fucking time by pointing out words that have been misspelled or incorrect usage of punctuation in posts. You try dragging Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!

I love you.

Teenagers are the bane of society

Read this story from Phoenix...

Teen Killed Dad for Banning MySpace

Shocking, huh?

I'm really not sure what bothers me most about this story.

-Is it the obvious notion of a child killing their parent because of restricted access to MySpace?

-Is it the fact that said child was, indeed, considering suicidal thoughts and this was some kind of subconscious acting out of those against others?

-Is it the fact that the parent left a shotgun and ammunition sitting on a counter in the garage?

-Is it the hard to believe fact that this kid has female friends and she, of all people, was able to "talk him out of it"?

-Or the line: "Me and my dad would go squirrel hunting. Apparently he trusts me with a rifle"

I just don't get it. When I was 15, I got upset over things like not being able to acurately determine if it was a boob or an elbow on squiggly porn. How in the hell does one get so upset over something as trivially retarded as MySpace to kill their parents?

Really, it's times like these I wish some parents took the Chris Benoit approach to parenting.

You sorry SOB's

As I reported earlyer today, I annonced that I will be attending Texas A&M to fullfill a dream and play TE for them next year. But just like my buddy Kevin Hart It turns out I don't have a school anymore.

At first I was weary when a Fake Mike Sherman called me over the last few weeks to court me to his supple football bosom, but he soon had me hook line and sinker. So much so that I gave myself a cool football nick name, "Notorious," and asked everyone to race me as i was working on improving my foot speed.

It didn't bother me that I wasn't on rivals.com, or even mentioned in on the Aggie message boards. I knew that coach Sherman wanted me there, and we would dominate.

BUT, I just found out it was all a sham. The person I had been talking to the whole time was not Mike Sherman, but Brown, with a southern draw.

I am crushed.

I don't know what to do now.

At least I can go to Texas, Mack Brown still wants me.

***UPDATE: Mack Brown was the ManBearPig Tobey****

So if I'm a little down the next few days, you know why.

(read the two articles I linked and all this will make since)