Is this the alternate 1985?

Help me, Emmett L. Brown! What the hell is going on?

I step away for a few days to handle some personal stuff (fucking life, always interfering) and the world and sports landscape goes crazy

• Roger Clemens fucks 15 year olds
• An old Austrian man fucks his daughter in a basement dungeon
• An obvious mafia hit on the "D.C. Madam"
• The Mavericks are seriously considering hiring Rick Carlisle. RICK CARLISLE!!! The guy couldn't win the Eastern Conference!
• A horse, supposedly trained by one of our avid readers, wins the Kentucky Derby with such an obvious "Brown-esque" move: the horse behind him was a female with two broken ankles that got killed during Big Brown's celebration! (If that's not scene control, I quit.)
• The Stars reminded Dallas that they're relevant and can do things that no one else in this city can do. You know, win when it matters.
• Cedric Benson gets pepper sprayed, arrested and HE WAS THE ONLY ONE ON THE ENTIRE BOAT that had it happen to him in Austin. (Right, "I'm not Ricky" my ass.)
• Mark Teixeira has a good April and is now, supposedly, rumored to become the new Yankee first baseman.
• Every MLB team will be playing against Indiana Jones on May 22nd
• The New Orleans Hornet set the floor on fire, literally
• Chris Cooley looks to supercede Gilbert Arenas as the world's most favoritest athelete blogger.
• Papa John's Pizza angers LeBron, therefore the state of Ohio.
• A soccer streaker gets to pose for Playboy, and she'll end up making more than some players in the league.
• Jessica Simpson is going to write and RELEASE a song about Tony Romo. (By the way, why in the hell did "D" Magazine say she's the most popular blonde in Dallas?)
• De La Hoya wins against Steve Forbes, as to why a multimillionair magazine titan is boxing, you've got me.
• And Kobe is slated to win his first MVP award.

Now, someone tell me when I'm supposed to go back to and stop Bear from getting the 2015 Grey's Sports Alamanac.