So it is written, so it shall be done

Often times on this site, Big and I have both referred to "the man code" or "the guy code". You've seen commercials spoofing such a concept. Remember the Miller Lite Man Laws as decreed by Burt Reynolds, Triple H and Eddie Griffin? I don't think the code is something that truly exists on paper, per se, I just think it is something that is encoded on our Y chromosome. We all know them, but could never recite them if asked.

Like the United States Constitution, the man codes exist for a reason, governance of men interacting with the world and each other. Sometimes the codes are ignored and for that, men are punished. Asking two men the same question about the code is going to lead to two different answers because everyone has their own interpretation of what they mean and how they are applied.

That being said, I offer up the top 10 Man Codes (in no particular order) that I believe to be universal in any interpretation.

1) A man may never date a buddy's ex-girlfriend without express written consent from said buddy, girl and neutral third party. A man is also not allowed to make a pass at or share the thought of feelings towards a buddy's current girlfriend.

2) Short of funerals or weddings, only "black guy hugs" are acceptable social greetings beyond handshakes and high fives.

3) No matter how much beer drinking, cigar smoking and cart girl chasing is involved, golf is a sport and qualifies as an athletic pursuit. Also known as the "John Daly Law"

4) Contrary to the sports law of "defense is more valuable than offense", a wingman is always more valuable than a designated driver. You can rent a taxi, you can't rent a wingman.

5) When at the movies, an empty seat must exist between two men.

6) "Slump-buster" is the only excuse that can never be questioned for a sub par conquest, no matter what she looks like the next day. Being drunk is not an excuse because everything sounds better when you're drunk. Fucking a fat girl is like riding a scooter, it sounds like a great idea until your buddies find out.

7) Anything can be wagered on, anything.

8) If walking next to another man, and hands accidentally touch, the action is not to be acknowledged by either man, and a mandatory extra foot of distance must be created.

9) If a man gets a haircut, there is no obligation from another man to comment on it.

10) NFL Sundays are true holy days. Any joke can be made on that day at anyone's expense without fear of offense or retribution.

With those being listed, I now open the floor (via comments) to the readers of this blog for interpretation, addition and debate.

The Wingman, an Essay by Big, part 3(i know its late, eat my starfish)

I know, people have been waiting for the third installment of the oft talked about "wingman essay," and to be honest, i was going to make it a running joke. You know every time I write something that i feel needs two post, tell every body there will be three, and then watch them squirm. BUT this is what happened, people hit me up for the last installment way more than I thought they would, and I still have more to say on the subject. So here goes, a week late, at least, the finial instalment of the Wingman Essay.

Part Three - Beware of False Wingmen

The whole idea of me writing this little expose about the wingman all started at a bar, a few weeks ago, with the situation that I described in the first installment, that ended up with a text that read "Bone City, population 2."

The whole thing got me thinking about the wingman, and how I played the part fantastically that night. Then about other situations that I was apart of or at least witness too, with respect to the wingman. Weather it be me, sliding a box of condoms under a door to a certain brown friend so he can do the nasty, or playing good cop bad cop with one of my roommates, the first wave of remembrance was found, as it almost always is.

Then I started thinking about more recent times, and how the game has changed. I started thinking about all the people I hang out with, and how they used the wingman, either being on themselves, or being the beneficiary of one. Thus leading to the final chapter of the essay, Beware of the False Wingman.

I don't know what happens past the age of, lets say 22, that changes the game, but something most def does. Its no longer "for the good of the group," playing wingman turns into "for the good of the individual." Let me explain. Here are some types of winman that you don't see from 16-23, but as you grow older you see more and more.

Ring Finger Wingman. - Taken guys. They have a wife/girlfriend. Or husband if that's their thing. Like the force there are two sides to this guy, a dark side, and a light side. On the good side, going out with a married guy usually means that he won't take a girl home, but he can occupy one of her friends, or if he's man pretty, be the bait for a group of chicks. But be careful, this "wingman" has a very dark side to it. Only 4 things can happen when you are out with this type of wing, and 3 are bad.

1- He helps you get the girl, with either talking you up, or occupying the friends, or what ever. This is what he should do, he's going home to a wife/girlfriend that he can see naked.

2 - He "over plays" the my buddy is single card, and wants to live through you and trys to get you to "cold call" every semi attractive girl in the place. When you tell him to chill out, he often trys to pulls girls over to you, so maybe, just maybe he can feel like he did when he was single and every girl is a possible bang job, instead of just the one he has at home.

3 - He actually wants to take one of girls home. Now he can't take them home, because that's where wifey is, so to a hotel. Wait the wife might see the credit card change and wonder, so guess where he has to go, that's right, your place. So now your "wingman" not only going to cheat on his wife, but your going to know about it, and that makes thing strange between you and the wife forever, and on top of that, if he takes a chick to your place and you don't, say goodbye self esteem.

4 - You guys strike out, get hammered and end of sleeping on the floor telling each other how you want to go to the roof and shout out home much you love each other. Boop, boop.

So with the ring finger, you need to be sure you know the guy, and that he's not going to put you in the situation that your not going to like. Sounds like a good idea, but when it come down to it, they rarely work out for you.

The other wingman that I want to talk about that has come up more and more as I have gotten older is the bitter man.

Bitter man - This is the sneakiest, and most diabolical wingman ever. 9 times out of 10 you never see this guy coming. Here is the skinny, this is guy that seems to be doing a fantastic job as a wingman, then out of nowhere he swoops in and trys to take your lady. Now there are several types of BitterMan

I'm Me - The I'm me bitter man is most commonly found at bars, and are most commonly people that aren't you real friends, just acquaintances. These are the guys who, see you talking to a girl, think they are better than you, and try and "out play" you for their attention. You think that by introducing your lady friend to him, he will understand the guy code and help you out, but instead he tryes to box you out with one of his Karl Malone elbows.

Snake in grass - This is one that should never EVER happen. This is your buddy, who befriends your ladyfriend, and starts to fall for her. Normally he doesn't directly try and push you out, but he's always there for her when you two have a fight, always ready just in case she see's him as so much better of a guy, then he trys to take your girl. While it is true, sometimes when a girl gets to know a guy better he see's him in a different light, but as a wingman, and more importantly as a friend, you must ask the guy if its cool that you take her out first.

Fuck em all - The fuck em all bitter man is guy that when he see's that he's not going to get his, weather it be from the girl your hitting on, or just in general, he Molotov cocktails the whole situation so that nobody gets any.

All of the Bitter Man wingmen can strike at any time, and all should and could be avoided. If you read this and think that you might have done any of those things, call you friends and tell them your sorry. We're all guys here, we'll forgive you.

In conclusion, in today's me first society, the wingman is still a strong player. If your a guy, your friends should build you up, help you out, and keep you out of trouble. If your a girl, the way the wingman acts is only slightly less important than the guy that's talking to you is. The whole reason for these posts were to educate people, and try and get better wingmen. To try and help you understand that you have to be more observant as to how the actions that you take, effect other people. If we can start here, we can be a better people. Help your friends, help yourself, help me, help you. OK, now I'm rambling.

The Wingman - An Essay by Big, Part 2

Part Two of Three "Types"



The wing man is a strange mix of want, natural ability, and attitude. There are several reasons for a wing man to come into play. The most often use for the Wing, is simply to get laid, but the a true wing man isn't there only to help his buddy in his sexual conquest. A true wing man is there for any number of reasons. It may be to find a "date able" girl, or to weed out the "crazy chicks" from the not so, or simply to get some muff that night.



The wing man serves as a strong, and sometimes final buffer, between the girl and guy. With this responsibility in mind, there are several different kinds of wing men out there, and they all serve a purpose. One last note before the list, some of this types can be "acted" or "played" on a given night, but some can't, so go with what is best fit for you, and what come natural.



Non-Threatening Buddy - Best used to find Girlfriends, not just hit it and quit it girls. This is the guy that I fall into most often and think I have really nailed it. The best way that this one can be described is your best friend. I'm talking true, from 1st grade best friend. As a guy, you already know this guy and know that he won't try and perch your lady friend. From the ladies perspective, it shows he has good friends, who are funny and are just there to have a good time. The key to almost all wing man activities is to make the girl feel comfortable, and this guy does it so well, the next date that she goes on with your boy, she might even drop your name to see if you want to come too, and she almost always brings friends. It really is a win in. Now you can get in trouble using this type of wing man, if your buddy is just looking to shag. If that happens and your buddy fucks her and then never calls, that girl will not only think your buddy's a dick, but that you are one as well for not warning her, and kiss her and every chick she knows goodbye.



Penis With Eyes - This one might be the funnest to play, and its good for getting liberal, strong women, or hippies, really any girl who thinks guys are just dicks with eyes, hence the name. This one simply boles down to you, the wing man, acting like a complete dick hole to women, and to her, while your buddy plays the nice guy and scalds you. This is often referred too as the Good Cop, Bad Cop routine, but if you want to do it well, its not quite that simple. For example if your buddy just walks up to the girl and says something like "Hey broad, nice tits," and you jump in with "hey man, that's not nice," not only does it sound like your doing a line from Back to the Future, but it won't ever work either, she will see right through it(unless she is super fucking dumb). Remember this one is about subtlety.

Let the conversation go on for awhile, just sipping your drink and nodding along. Wait for a subject that you can through out a very extreme opinion about sex, and make it degrading to women, but not blatantly offensive, and have your buddy give the counterpoint. Here is an example.

This really happened to me, and at first I didn't know my buddy was helping me out, he was just being himself for the most part, but he really laid on thick the idea that men are made to spread their seed with as many women as they can. The girls we were with were put off to say the lest, and I think I said something along the lines of "your dick is made to spread seed, but your mind is made to find the one you want to always be with." Sounds kinda cheesy, but dammit if I didn't get some great sex that night.

Uber Gay Man - Now, if wing men were like football teams, the Uber Gay Man would be the 85 bears. Its so damn good, yet it only comes around once a lifetime. Unlike the first two above, this one can't be acted or played, you have to actually be an uber gay man, or a know one that its cool with you. This one works on just about all women, but ultraconservative types. Its simple; women love gay men. And the brighter the flame the better. If you have a gay friend that can push you to some single ladies, your in like Flin.

Quanty Controll - This guy is not the best, and this one is more for the fun of it than the effectiveness of it. This type of wing man is the guy who walks up to just about every decently attractive girl, and asks if they know the guy in the blue shirt. No? Let me introduce you. Something along those lines. I personally prefer the "high five guy." "excuse me ladies, can you go give me friend a high five? He's had a tough day." Works almost never, but is fun as fuck to do to your buddy.

Mr. Big Time - Mr Big Time is the baller wing man. He is guy who is drinking Patron, or Scotch, and almost "bankrolls" the buddy. He is the one that makes sure the girl gets plenty of booze in her system, brings you both to VIP if there is one, or even orders a bottle and says things like "you guys have fun." Now this wing man can come back to bite you, if the girl is money hungry biznach, she will dump anybody for the baller. I don't like this one, except for, you know, the free drinks.

The Suicide - When people think of "wing man" this what most people think of. Its no mystery that when you try and pick out a girl from another group of girls, if you don't make the mother hen happy, you won't even get past "Hi, How you doing?" Don't get it twisted, there is always a mother hen. But, despite what most people think, it's rarely the big girl. Most of the time it's easy to tell who the hen is if you just watch for a bit. She's the one the different kind of drink, or with the big hat, standing with her hand on her hip. Ding Ding Ding, here comes the Suicide.

Its not his job to really take one for the team, per say, but its more along the lines of making sure the Mother Hen is having fun. The situation differs on what the Mother Hen wants, and its usually not sex. The best I've ever seen this done is a friend of mine walked to a group of girls and just started making fun of the Hen, she bowed up, he backed down, bought her drink to say I'm sorry, and they sat at the bar all night making fun of people that walked by. It was Fantastic.

These are just a few of the types of Wing Men. I encourage you to let me know if you have another type to add to the fold, that works or just as importantly, doesn't work. Remember this is a guy code "freshen up" course. More tommorrow.

The Wing Man. A Three Part essay by Big

TB&TB are truly sorry for the lack of post recently. Brown is out of town for the entire month, and I have been swamped at work, life, and the general easing off of sports that come this time of year for me. I'm not a big Baseball guy, and I'm watching the Finals, but lets be honest, you don't really care what I have to say about Boston. With this in mind I am starting a three part essay about something I have recently witnessed. I do hope you enjoy.

Part One - The Intro.

I like taco's. All kinds. Regular, bean, rice, cheese, fish, and the like. I like to eat them, look at them, think about them, and most of all, if its the kind found on a women, kick them.

The other night I was out with a friend and he brought some girl that he was friends with. I asked if he was trying to hook up with this girl, and while his response was "no we're just friends," i knew that was code for she won't let me hit it. So as the night grew on, we had a nice time and i could see that me and the chick were hitting it off, maybe not in the way where she would take me home, but in at least in the way that if I saw here again walking down the street, she would stop and say whats up.

My friend and her were hitting it off pretty good too, so I followed rule number 2, and number 5 of the guy code, to be explained later, and tyred to help him out and get the girl to go home with him.

Now, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but needless to say the next morning I got a text that read "bone city, population 2." I giggled and felt proud that I was, in just a small way, the reason for my buddy getting not only a hot chick, but a cool ass chick as well in the sack.

Most of the time this is how this goes down. Friends bring ladies around me and for probably 2 reasons; I'm a nice, funny, and well read (kinda) person that "looks good" as a friend, aka I'm a resume bullet point, and 2, I'm a bigger guy that, while still a bad ass, doesn't strike the fear of girl stealing into most guys. Now that they are around me, I'm funny, I'm goofy, and I make my friend look both good, and knock him down so she thinks of him as just a regular guy, with cool friends. It's what a wing man does.

I really thought is was all common knowledge. I thought all guys live by the code that is guy code, and they follow the "way of wingman" section in it like I do. It's not really even a choice for me, its just how I am. That said I have stared to notice a few of my friends that I guess skipped the "way of the wingman" part of the guy code. So that's what this eassy is about.