Extra! Extra! Joey Harrington's the worst QB ever!

H/T: KSK

So, apparently, the guys at Pro Football Reference have done some kind of statistical analysis and came up with the worst quarterbacks of all time.

Folks, here he is: Joey Harrington

No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on.

This is funny to me for three reasons:

1) Joey Harrington looks damn near exactly like one of Big's and my friends. So the total failure makes me giggle because I attribute it to him looking like our buddy.

2) I thought Joey Harrington was the real deal, only because his Oregon team beat Texas in the Holiday Bowl in 2001. He beat Chris Simms. What was I thinking?

3) He plays piano. I hate piano players. (I played piano as a child)

The Wingman, an Essay by Big, part 3(i know its late, eat my starfish)

I know, people have been waiting for the third installment of the oft talked about "wingman essay," and to be honest, i was going to make it a running joke. You know every time I write something that i feel needs two post, tell every body there will be three, and then watch them squirm. BUT this is what happened, people hit me up for the last installment way more than I thought they would, and I still have more to say on the subject. So here goes, a week late, at least, the finial instalment of the Wingman Essay.

Part Three - Beware of False Wingmen

The whole idea of me writing this little expose about the wingman all started at a bar, a few weeks ago, with the situation that I described in the first installment, that ended up with a text that read "Bone City, population 2."

The whole thing got me thinking about the wingman, and how I played the part fantastically that night. Then about other situations that I was apart of or at least witness too, with respect to the wingman. Weather it be me, sliding a box of condoms under a door to a certain brown friend so he can do the nasty, or playing good cop bad cop with one of my roommates, the first wave of remembrance was found, as it almost always is.

Then I started thinking about more recent times, and how the game has changed. I started thinking about all the people I hang out with, and how they used the wingman, either being on themselves, or being the beneficiary of one. Thus leading to the final chapter of the essay, Beware of the False Wingman.

I don't know what happens past the age of, lets say 22, that changes the game, but something most def does. Its no longer "for the good of the group," playing wingman turns into "for the good of the individual." Let me explain. Here are some types of winman that you don't see from 16-23, but as you grow older you see more and more.

Ring Finger Wingman. - Taken guys. They have a wife/girlfriend. Or husband if that's their thing. Like the force there are two sides to this guy, a dark side, and a light side. On the good side, going out with a married guy usually means that he won't take a girl home, but he can occupy one of her friends, or if he's man pretty, be the bait for a group of chicks. But be careful, this "wingman" has a very dark side to it. Only 4 things can happen when you are out with this type of wing, and 3 are bad.

1- He helps you get the girl, with either talking you up, or occupying the friends, or what ever. This is what he should do, he's going home to a wife/girlfriend that he can see naked.

2 - He "over plays" the my buddy is single card, and wants to live through you and trys to get you to "cold call" every semi attractive girl in the place. When you tell him to chill out, he often trys to pulls girls over to you, so maybe, just maybe he can feel like he did when he was single and every girl is a possible bang job, instead of just the one he has at home.

3 - He actually wants to take one of girls home. Now he can't take them home, because that's where wifey is, so to a hotel. Wait the wife might see the credit card change and wonder, so guess where he has to go, that's right, your place. So now your "wingman" not only going to cheat on his wife, but your going to know about it, and that makes thing strange between you and the wife forever, and on top of that, if he takes a chick to your place and you don't, say goodbye self esteem.

4 - You guys strike out, get hammered and end of sleeping on the floor telling each other how you want to go to the roof and shout out home much you love each other. Boop, boop.

So with the ring finger, you need to be sure you know the guy, and that he's not going to put you in the situation that your not going to like. Sounds like a good idea, but when it come down to it, they rarely work out for you.

The other wingman that I want to talk about that has come up more and more as I have gotten older is the bitter man.

Bitter man - This is the sneakiest, and most diabolical wingman ever. 9 times out of 10 you never see this guy coming. Here is the skinny, this is guy that seems to be doing a fantastic job as a wingman, then out of nowhere he swoops in and trys to take your lady. Now there are several types of BitterMan

I'm Me - The I'm me bitter man is most commonly found at bars, and are most commonly people that aren't you real friends, just acquaintances. These are the guys who, see you talking to a girl, think they are better than you, and try and "out play" you for their attention. You think that by introducing your lady friend to him, he will understand the guy code and help you out, but instead he tryes to box you out with one of his Karl Malone elbows.

Snake in grass - This is one that should never EVER happen. This is your buddy, who befriends your ladyfriend, and starts to fall for her. Normally he doesn't directly try and push you out, but he's always there for her when you two have a fight, always ready just in case she see's him as so much better of a guy, then he trys to take your girl. While it is true, sometimes when a girl gets to know a guy better he see's him in a different light, but as a wingman, and more importantly as a friend, you must ask the guy if its cool that you take her out first.

Fuck em all - The fuck em all bitter man is guy that when he see's that he's not going to get his, weather it be from the girl your hitting on, or just in general, he Molotov cocktails the whole situation so that nobody gets any.

All of the Bitter Man wingmen can strike at any time, and all should and could be avoided. If you read this and think that you might have done any of those things, call you friends and tell them your sorry. We're all guys here, we'll forgive you.

In conclusion, in today's me first society, the wingman is still a strong player. If your a guy, your friends should build you up, help you out, and keep you out of trouble. If your a girl, the way the wingman acts is only slightly less important than the guy that's talking to you is. The whole reason for these posts were to educate people, and try and get better wingmen. To try and help you understand that you have to be more observant as to how the actions that you take, effect other people. If we can start here, we can be a better people. Help your friends, help yourself, help me, help you. OK, now I'm rambling.

So, what determines who can say what in the public domain?

If you haven't heard what Don Imus said on his radio program, here's a quick breakdown:

Warner Wolf (no comment on stupidity of that moniker) was discussion our very own Pacman (screw you, pal, you're never losing that name). He was going over his arrest record and Imus asked what color he was. When Wolf told Imus Jones was black, Imus said "there you go. Now we know."

Naturally, this raised a shit storm in the media. Imus followed up the next day by saying he was being sarcastic and that people should be outraged for blacks being arrested for no reason.

Pacman responded by saying it was obvious Imus hates black people and that Pacman would "pray for him".

Ok, did I miss something here?

Does Pacman Jones, let alone half of the media, listen to half of the shit that gets said on the radio here in town?

Are you meaning to tell me the gents on The Ticket don't say that level of humor if not worse? Short of dropping the n-bomb, the jokes that The Ticket tells are much worse than anything Imus has said.

Yes, they work under an umbrella of parody and direct sarcasm. However, are you going to tell me that the people who listen to The Ticket are smart enough to make the difference between jokes and reality?

Look, I've never listened to Don Imus. Frankly, I'm surprised the guy is alive. He looks older than Hubie Brown and Dick Stockton put together.

If radio stations like The Ticket are protected by the first amendment for making the commentary they make, and people like TMZ or Perez Hilton (a site/person I'm still not sure exists or not) can operate under that flag, why should Don Imus be crucified for anything he's said so far?

Hasn't Pacman Jones earned the privelege to be the butt end of all jokes?

The most important question of all? IF ALL I WANT IS THE MOTHER FUCKING SCORES FROM LAST NIGHT'S BASEBALL GAMES, WHY IN THE HELL IS ROBERT FLORES TAKING THE TIME ON SPORTSCENTER GOING OVER A NON-CONTROVERSY?

If people want to hear their own voice, find a topic or happening that is worth the energy. I'll give you a topic: Mike Meyers nor Adam Sandler hasn't been funny since about 2001, yet they still make more money than Bear does....and Bear just bought a brand new Kia. How's that fair?

Why hello there

It appears in my travels as of late (nevermind where), I've discovered this little space of the interwebs known as "The Big and The Brown".

I see all of these posts by a fellow named Big, yet there is no Brown.

Wait a second, that's me...that's right, sexy readers, I'm back. (Wonder twin powers, activate!)

No more rants about stupid things. (Though this might be one)

No more posts about anal starlets. (For the record, that was Jenna Haze.)

No more breaking down of hip hop lyrics. (Actually, I kind of like those.)

No more promises to finish three part essays (We're all waiting for the grand conclusion, dick milk.)

So, let's see...umm...

NBA Finals? Nope, nope, pretty sure that got covered.

Shaq versus Kobe? Uh, it's not 2005 anymore.

Donaghy scandal? ESPN already beat that down.

Rangers above .500? No chance, I'm not getting blamed for jinxing them.

Scott Kalita's death? Well, I did find irony in that no one laughed at someone dying in a funny car.

NBA draft? Not until Thursday.

Euro 2008? I've been watching, but god forbid someone not named "Sir Arthur Ballsinmouth" comment.

Tiger's leg? Big kind of beat me to it, albeit without the word "fuck"

Well, if I'm that far behind, I might as well just begin my epic return with a simple question:



Emmitt or Barry? Discuss.


p.s. I'd choose Ki-Jana Carter.

He's got like, 30 dicks

I don't know how many of you read our buddy UnitQM But you should. He's funny(mostly), and political(nasty you'll hate it), and music like. In case you don't. He had a post last week about an Austin cartoonist named Brad Neely. Never heard of him? Me neither. But you may have seen this video, and if not, you should watch it now. Quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen since those WNBA commercials.

S-Jax is now my number 1 pick for Fantasy.

"Kid you got to use your butfur"

"Whats a butfur"

"A butt's for pooping"

In late breaking fantasy football news,Steven Jackson just "cleaned out his system." No, he's not rocking the George DeJean toxin thing, he's getting his doo doo sucked out, or most commonly refereed to as a colonic. (just so we are straight, they put a tube up your pooper, then pump in warm water, then drain it out. At least that's what I've herd, i don't know from experience.)

In fact, this what Jackson's friend Harris said about the experience.

"When we got done and he walked out to the waiting room, I said, 'Steven, are you OK?' He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.' I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."

nice.

Nude Music Friday

In honer of Rapper Lil Wayne selling over a million copies of his latest record in the first week, which is the first time that's happened in 3 years, Its time to dust off "Big explains Rap Lyrics"

The song is the number one single of Wayne's new record, Lollipop. I'm sure you have all heard it before, its the one with him with the auto correct on his voice. Its hot, I'm not going to lie, but lets just take a look at what he is really saying. Wayne in Italics, my explanation not.

Ow…

Ow...
Uh Huh No Homo…
Does he really say no homo, I've never heard this part

Young Mula Baby

I only assume that he's talking about himself, or the producer

I say he so sweet
Make her wanna lick the rapper

See how he spelled rapper, like the singer not the piece of paper, he's saying some girl, who thinks he's sweet, wants to perform oral sex on him.

So I let her lick the rapper
So he let her.

She she lick me
Like a lollipop
She she lick me
Like a lollipop
She she lick
Like a lollipop
She lick
Me Like a lollipop

She performed oral sex on me that was like someone licking a sucker.

Shawty wanna thug

This girl wants a bad guy, who is into HipHop and urban culture

Bottles in the club

She wants bottle service at the dance hall

Shawty wanna hump

She wants to have sex

You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

You know I like to put my hands on your breasts.

Lil mama had a swag like mine

This girl has the same attitude as I do

She even wear her hair
Down her back like mine

We have the same hair style

I make her feel right
When its wrong like lyin'

Umm, I make her feel OK about lyin or maybe cheating(really don't know about this one)

Man
She ain't never had a love like mine

I am a fantastic lover of the likes she has never had before

Man
I ain't never seen an ass like hers

I think that girls buttocks is the nicest I have ever seen in my life

That pussy in my mouth
Had me at a loss for words

When preforming oral sex on her, I could think of nothing to say.

Told her to back it up
Like berp berp

I would like to have sex in the position of dogie style, and have you thrust backward at me like you were a large bus that "beeps" when it backs up.

And I made that ass jump
Like jerp jerp

And while you did that, I thrusted so hard that your buttocks bounced on impact.

And that's when she
And then she said.

Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
Sh-Sh-She lick me
Like a lollipop
She preformed oral sex on me like someone licking a sucker.
Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

After you back it up
Then stop

after we do it doggie style for awhile, i want to stop doing doggie.

Drop It shawty

I want now want you on top of me, while in the sitting position, and have sex while you bring your vazeen down onto me.

Drop It
Drop it like its hot
Drop it like its hot

Do that same thing over and over in the rate of speed that is equivalent to someone dropping something that burns their hands.

Do do do it shawty
Don't stop

Keep doing it girl, don't stop.

Shawty said the nigga that she with
Ain't shit

She told me that her boyfriend wasn't a good person.

Shawty said the nigga that she with
Ain't this

She said her boyfriend can't do what we are doing right now.

Shawty said the nigga that she with
Can't hit

She said her boyfriend is an inadequate lover.

But shawty Imma hit it, hit it,
Like I can't miss

But girl, I'm going keep having sex with you as if I were in a basketball game, and I got real hot, and I just knew that when ever I threw up a shot, it was going in.

And He can't do this
And He don't do that

Your boyfriend isn't as good in sack as I am.

Shawty need a refund
Needa bring that nigga back

Girl, you should no longer be boyfriends with that guy, as if he were a bad Christmas gift from walmart, you should take it back and get your money back.

Just like a refund
I make her bring that ass back

Speaking of refunds, I'm going to treat your backside like one and my penis like the return counter, and we are going to do it doggy again.

And she bring that ass back

And she did just that.

Because I Like That
Because she knew I liked it when she does that.

Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

Shawty
Wanna lic-lic-lic-lick me
Like a lollipop
Shawty
Wanna lic-lic-lic-lick me
Like a lollipop
Shawty
Wanna lick me
Like a lollipop
I Let her lick the rapper

Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

Call me

Pick up the phone and dial my number.

So I can make it juicy for ya

So I can turn you on, creating a moist area in your underpants.

C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can make it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
Call me
So I can make it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can make it juicy for ya
C-Call me
S-so I can get it juicy for ya
I have a stuttering problem, but I still want you to call me, so i can turn you on, thus getting your pantys wet and ready for insertion.

Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

I get her on top
She drop it like it's hot

Again we change position to you in the sitting position above me and you sit down on me with great speed.

And when I'm at the bottom
She Hilary Rodham
Middle of the Bed
Give and gettin' head
Give and gettin' head
Give and gettin' head

Now we are going to take turns preforming oral sex on each other, Like Hilary Rodham Clinton did to Bill(I know it was really monica, not Hillary that did the oral thing, but who said rappers were smart?)

I said hmmmm I like that
Say hmmmm yea I like that
I said hmmmm yea I like that
hmmhmmm

That feels good.

Call me
So I can come and do it for you

Call me, so we can have sex.

Call me
So I can come and prove it for you

Call me, and I'll prove that I'm great in the sack.

Call me
So I can make it juicy for you

call me so i can, yada yada

Call me
So I can get it juicy for you

SO, in summation, Lollipop is about convincing a girl that has a man, that you are a great lover, you guys have sex, turns out you are right, she loves it, you love it, you want her to call you so you can do it again.

I love Hip Hop.

Silly Porn Stars

I'm sure her daddy is real proud.

In my experience I've never even met an "anal starlet" let alone enough to pick a favorite

Greatest Invention Ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Beer Belly Cooler

Check this out.

How fantastic is that. Of course I'd look like a uper prego chick with my already large mid section.

I hope you enjoyed that US Open

What a fantastic golf weekend right? We had Tiger coming back and forcing an 18 hole playoff with a guy named Rocko.

That sentence right there is good enough for me to watch just about any Golf Tourney, add the fact that it was the US Open, and you've just doubled my intrigue.

THEN add the fact that Tiger is coming off knee surgery and hasn't walked 18 in over 2 months, now I'm titillated more than a Chinese girl who just found a mini-house for her mini-poodle.

Not only does that sound great, but unlike the Laker-Celtics finials, it truly was great.

I hope you enjoyed it, because Tiger is now done for the rest of the year.

This from the Golf Channel

"He experienced a small stress fracture in his left leg about two weeks before the U.S. Open, which was causing him the pain, and ultimately the doctors feel that he needs ACL surgery and rest to get him back to 100%. Sources added that Tiger is in great spirits and wants to ensure that he comes back even better at the start of the 2009 season. Although his playing schedule is going to put on hold, he will continue to make numerous appearances and fulfill his sponsor and charitable commitments over the next five to six months."

That sucks. So this will be surgery number 4 or 5 on that same knee. How sorry would it be if that is how Tiger went out. A knee injury during the prime of his career.

HT: Fanhouse

Ohh lordy

So, This was a big weekend. As Brown continues his month long road trip for work/play, I was out of town from Thursday of last week till last night. Included in the fun was visiting some friends who are about to have a baby, camping in near 100 degree heat, and floating a river for 8 hours sat with only beer, a ham sandwich, and 50 jello shots to quince my thirst(and what a good job they did).

More on all that later, I just wanted to pop on and say, I'm back bitches.

No worries, the finial part of essay will be sometime this week, as well as a look back at one hell of a sports weekend. Lets not forget either that we will have a new NBA champion this week. Its the last real good week of sports till training camp opens.

To cleans your pallet for a moment, Here is a video of team USA beating the shit out of Barbados, in soccer, World Cup Qualifying match that most of you probably didn't see Sun. All 8(!) goal can be found here, and its only a few min long.

The Wingman - An Essay by Big, Part 2

Part Two of Three "Types"



The wing man is a strange mix of want, natural ability, and attitude. There are several reasons for a wing man to come into play. The most often use for the Wing, is simply to get laid, but the a true wing man isn't there only to help his buddy in his sexual conquest. A true wing man is there for any number of reasons. It may be to find a "date able" girl, or to weed out the "crazy chicks" from the not so, or simply to get some muff that night.



The wing man serves as a strong, and sometimes final buffer, between the girl and guy. With this responsibility in mind, there are several different kinds of wing men out there, and they all serve a purpose. One last note before the list, some of this types can be "acted" or "played" on a given night, but some can't, so go with what is best fit for you, and what come natural.



Non-Threatening Buddy - Best used to find Girlfriends, not just hit it and quit it girls. This is the guy that I fall into most often and think I have really nailed it. The best way that this one can be described is your best friend. I'm talking true, from 1st grade best friend. As a guy, you already know this guy and know that he won't try and perch your lady friend. From the ladies perspective, it shows he has good friends, who are funny and are just there to have a good time. The key to almost all wing man activities is to make the girl feel comfortable, and this guy does it so well, the next date that she goes on with your boy, she might even drop your name to see if you want to come too, and she almost always brings friends. It really is a win in. Now you can get in trouble using this type of wing man, if your buddy is just looking to shag. If that happens and your buddy fucks her and then never calls, that girl will not only think your buddy's a dick, but that you are one as well for not warning her, and kiss her and every chick she knows goodbye.



Penis With Eyes - This one might be the funnest to play, and its good for getting liberal, strong women, or hippies, really any girl who thinks guys are just dicks with eyes, hence the name. This one simply boles down to you, the wing man, acting like a complete dick hole to women, and to her, while your buddy plays the nice guy and scalds you. This is often referred too as the Good Cop, Bad Cop routine, but if you want to do it well, its not quite that simple. For example if your buddy just walks up to the girl and says something like "Hey broad, nice tits," and you jump in with "hey man, that's not nice," not only does it sound like your doing a line from Back to the Future, but it won't ever work either, she will see right through it(unless she is super fucking dumb). Remember this one is about subtlety.

Let the conversation go on for awhile, just sipping your drink and nodding along. Wait for a subject that you can through out a very extreme opinion about sex, and make it degrading to women, but not blatantly offensive, and have your buddy give the counterpoint. Here is an example.

This really happened to me, and at first I didn't know my buddy was helping me out, he was just being himself for the most part, but he really laid on thick the idea that men are made to spread their seed with as many women as they can. The girls we were with were put off to say the lest, and I think I said something along the lines of "your dick is made to spread seed, but your mind is made to find the one you want to always be with." Sounds kinda cheesy, but dammit if I didn't get some great sex that night.

Uber Gay Man - Now, if wing men were like football teams, the Uber Gay Man would be the 85 bears. Its so damn good, yet it only comes around once a lifetime. Unlike the first two above, this one can't be acted or played, you have to actually be an uber gay man, or a know one that its cool with you. This one works on just about all women, but ultraconservative types. Its simple; women love gay men. And the brighter the flame the better. If you have a gay friend that can push you to some single ladies, your in like Flin.

Quanty Controll - This guy is not the best, and this one is more for the fun of it than the effectiveness of it. This type of wing man is the guy who walks up to just about every decently attractive girl, and asks if they know the guy in the blue shirt. No? Let me introduce you. Something along those lines. I personally prefer the "high five guy." "excuse me ladies, can you go give me friend a high five? He's had a tough day." Works almost never, but is fun as fuck to do to your buddy.

Mr. Big Time - Mr Big Time is the baller wing man. He is guy who is drinking Patron, or Scotch, and almost "bankrolls" the buddy. He is the one that makes sure the girl gets plenty of booze in her system, brings you both to VIP if there is one, or even orders a bottle and says things like "you guys have fun." Now this wing man can come back to bite you, if the girl is money hungry biznach, she will dump anybody for the baller. I don't like this one, except for, you know, the free drinks.

The Suicide - When people think of "wing man" this what most people think of. Its no mystery that when you try and pick out a girl from another group of girls, if you don't make the mother hen happy, you won't even get past "Hi, How you doing?" Don't get it twisted, there is always a mother hen. But, despite what most people think, it's rarely the big girl. Most of the time it's easy to tell who the hen is if you just watch for a bit. She's the one the different kind of drink, or with the big hat, standing with her hand on her hip. Ding Ding Ding, here comes the Suicide.

Its not his job to really take one for the team, per say, but its more along the lines of making sure the Mother Hen is having fun. The situation differs on what the Mother Hen wants, and its usually not sex. The best I've ever seen this done is a friend of mine walked to a group of girls and just started making fun of the Hen, she bowed up, he backed down, bought her drink to say I'm sorry, and they sat at the bar all night making fun of people that walked by. It was Fantastic.

These are just a few of the types of Wing Men. I encourage you to let me know if you have another type to add to the fold, that works or just as importantly, doesn't work. Remember this is a guy code "freshen up" course. More tommorrow.

A Reason to cheer for LA

Yea, LA won last night, I still have Boston in 6. But here is a good reason to cheer for LA.

Jack is still the coolest guy on planet earth.

Brown has a dream

I'm not shitting you when I say that I just woke up in my hotel room with a vision and inspiration.

Let me just lay this on you...The Big and The Brown on The Television.

Yeah, don't point out the irony that we don't even post on this place as regularly as we should, but just work with me. I was sleeping 1 minute ago.

I want to know a simple question: would you watch it?

I'm not talking YouTube, I'm talking local Dallas public access television. Why not YouTube? Frankly, the fucking concept of YouTube scares the crap out of me. No sir, I don't like it. I'm talking "Wayne's World".

Weekly show. Out of my garage. The same stupid crap that you read here, only on the television.

By the way, my dream even involved us reviewing a band called "The Shitty Beatles". Creepy.

Just dropping a line

As Big pointed out, I'm traveling like a champ for work and don't have time to post a lot (if anything).

Because of that, I want you all to sit and think about something and it will remind you of me when you're lonely:

Does Bindi Irwin's mother allow her to cheer for Tampa Bay's baseball team?

I love you all.

The Wing Man. A Three Part essay by Big

TB&TB are truly sorry for the lack of post recently. Brown is out of town for the entire month, and I have been swamped at work, life, and the general easing off of sports that come this time of year for me. I'm not a big Baseball guy, and I'm watching the Finals, but lets be honest, you don't really care what I have to say about Boston. With this in mind I am starting a three part essay about something I have recently witnessed. I do hope you enjoy.

Part One - The Intro.

I like taco's. All kinds. Regular, bean, rice, cheese, fish, and the like. I like to eat them, look at them, think about them, and most of all, if its the kind found on a women, kick them.

The other night I was out with a friend and he brought some girl that he was friends with. I asked if he was trying to hook up with this girl, and while his response was "no we're just friends," i knew that was code for she won't let me hit it. So as the night grew on, we had a nice time and i could see that me and the chick were hitting it off, maybe not in the way where she would take me home, but in at least in the way that if I saw here again walking down the street, she would stop and say whats up.

My friend and her were hitting it off pretty good too, so I followed rule number 2, and number 5 of the guy code, to be explained later, and tyred to help him out and get the girl to go home with him.

Now, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but needless to say the next morning I got a text that read "bone city, population 2." I giggled and felt proud that I was, in just a small way, the reason for my buddy getting not only a hot chick, but a cool ass chick as well in the sack.

Most of the time this is how this goes down. Friends bring ladies around me and for probably 2 reasons; I'm a nice, funny, and well read (kinda) person that "looks good" as a friend, aka I'm a resume bullet point, and 2, I'm a bigger guy that, while still a bad ass, doesn't strike the fear of girl stealing into most guys. Now that they are around me, I'm funny, I'm goofy, and I make my friend look both good, and knock him down so she thinks of him as just a regular guy, with cool friends. It's what a wing man does.

I really thought is was all common knowledge. I thought all guys live by the code that is guy code, and they follow the "way of wingman" section in it like I do. It's not really even a choice for me, its just how I am. That said I have stared to notice a few of my friends that I guess skipped the "way of the wingman" part of the guy code. So that's what this eassy is about.

HUGE NEWS READ NOW

So my weekend started pretty normal. Thursday was a pretty normal day for the most part, after work I just wanted to go home, get some good food, and watch the NBA playoffs. I got home, after picking up a fantastic meal from a local place, and settled down to watch what I think could be the most fantastic NBA finials from a basketball stand point that we have seen in years.

Just as I finish my meal, the Mexican calls me. I know what he wants, he wants to drink and watch the playoffs. Me and him play this little game where if one of us wants to go out they make the call, and if the other guy wants to go, weather he admits it or not, he answers the phone. No matter how many "na, I really should stay in tonight," type phrases get spoken, the rule is simple, if you answer, you have to go out. Needless to say, I was looking forward to staying in that night, but I answered the phone call, and off to the bar I went.

So we watched the game with the Sherpa, his pseudo girl, and one of the Mexicans lady friends, who was a big Celtics fan. At first I thought, Hell, here is another Boston band wagoner, just like all those hopeless red socks "fans." But then when Paul Peirce got hurt, she stood up and yelled, "GET UP TRUTH!." She knew his nickname was Truth. So now she is cool in my book.

Needless to say we stayed out way to late that night, drinking beer, telling storeys of yester year, and all in all just having a good time. The Bars closed at 2 am, and I will still there. Fuck. I have to work in 6 hours. Ahh what every, It was a fun night.

So the next morning came early, and like most mornings after I drink, I was slow getting to work, but not feeling as bad as I could have. The morning was fine, as result of the conversation I wrote on here that was going on between two of the guys I work with. The conversation lasted all day.

I get off work at 5, roll to the house with the full expectation of taking a nap. Come on I only had 5 hours of sleep or so. So that's what I did. I napped for about an hour or so, till I got hungry and wanted to get something to eat. I howled at the Bear and we went to a buddy's house to help him work in his kick ass back yard. We hung lights, and worked on a sink for his out door bar, drank beers and played some water basketball.

Which brings me to another point, I am the Wilt Champerland of Water Basketball. I rule. I can't be stopped. I have a respectable shot, great pool vision, and am so damn dominate in the paint that the only thing the bear could try and do is bear hung me, and I still made the shot.

ANYWAY, The full day had me looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. So I did. After some conversing with my apartment people, which was surprisingly smooth, I went to the Rents house to hang out with my Dad help them out around the house.

All of this lead up to this important news. I am awesome.

That's it, just wanted you guys to know.

(Disappointed with how much you had to read to get to that stupid point? Think how much we were when we watched an hour and half of the Belmont Coverage for a two and half minute race, where Big Brown didn't win. I want those hours back.)

Who am I and what am I doing here?

Hello, my name is Brown. You might remember me from such blogs as "MySpace: dearth of a nation, scourge of society" and "Human! The undiscovered white meat"

I used to write about fun musings and quips about observational life. I'd regale readers with stories about things I encountered. When Big and I started this thing, I decided my main focus would be sports.

Well, I'm about to get non sportsy on you.

Blog readers. Texas. America. World. I have something to tell you: I don't care.

Do I care how you feel about that? No. Why? Because, I don't care.

Almost everyone that knows me seems to understand that. Those that don't like to pretend that I care about things. Here's the secret, I don't.

Given the option of spending time with someone who wants me to give a damn about things or trying to masturbate to two Japanese women vomiting on each other, I'd say hand me the Jergens and tell Hiroki to stuff her finger down her mouth. Why? Besides the fact I love bulemic Asian women, it's simple, I don't care to make someone else think that I give a damn.

I spend my day working, sleeping and shitting, not necessarily in that order. I don't have the time to worry about other people be they friends, family or dead hookers, again, not necessarily in that order.

Now, sure, I do care about things. Those things are all self-centric. Is that egotistical? Probably. Do I care? No.

I also care about nachos. I love nachos. Can't get enough of them.

What I'm trying to say is this. Unless it pertains to me or directly affects me and my person, you might as well be talking to a wall. Am I listening? Nope. I'm actually sitting there wondering what I would do if I walked in on Sam Cassell cuddling with Vernon Maxwell in a Santa Claus suit. Why? I have no idea.

"But, Brown, we have to sit here and listen/read your thoughts and feelings! That's not fair. Why should we care?"

Exactly how the fuck do I know or why the fuck should I care? Tell me where it's written that life is fair or that I should give a damn.

I'm busy with things, and I can't post every day. Big's funny. Big cares. Big loves you. Enjoy that and quit bitching to me.



(None of the above was true, I actually do care)



(Not really, the part about nachos was true.)



(Asian women too)


(Not really)



(Really)

Shades of grey with good and evil

So, my day job is working as a machine tech and div head of an image company, I work in the back room/ware house. The two guys I work with are older black guys, one runs lamination, the other shipping. Anthony is a early 40's guy who loves women. Don is a mid 50's old school player with a good heart. This is the conversation that the two have been having all morning, about how Don thinks Anthony should keep with his wife, and not worry so much about having a girl friend. Anthony thinks the wife is a good time, but is more like a partner than an object of love. Here are some excepts from their conversation, thought yall might enjoy it. They are completly serial, and at time heated. Totally Serial.

This is about an hour into the conversation when Don is talking about if you want sex, just go pay for it, and then go spend your time with the wife.

D -I don't want to meet your kids, or your sister or your kids, Hell i don't even want to know you have kids. A, 100 dollars on the floor and your walking away with something

a - not you, they will smell your family ass before you walk in the door,

d- I'm happy with just find a bunch of hoes and just pick me one out, tear her ass up for 5 min, and then go home to the wife.

a - that's all your old ass can take

d - i might die if i go longer

a - that's what my girl friends for

d - but that's not your Wife, that's not what you share your like with

a - you ten years, maybe in ten years I'll feel that way

d - maybe, but think about if you started now, how much further you would be ten years from now.

a - but I'm paying off everything, waiting to when i can not do anything in ten years.

d - ten years you may not have anything you got now

a - why do you need the wife to complete you

d - because i'm not complete without them, i enjoy the companionship,

a - what is companionship,

d - when me and the wife are sitting outside, and the wind is blowing

a - that's companionship right there

d - and we can just sit there and be, and not worry about anything

a - get a dog

d - god damn Anthony,

d - sounds like you just need a dog.

I might chim in later with more, but this such a great conversation i couldn't pass on typing some.

On a side note

Over the past 8 months or so that we have had this little blog, we have really enjoyed doing what we do. We don't really think of ourselves as big time, or even middle time to be honest, but talking sports is what me and Brown do, now we just do it here for you guys to read.

One of the websites that got us into the whole "blogging" idea was Deadspin. Brown found it over a year ago(a little late, but that's our style), and tipped me off to it.

It was the first website that talked about sports like I talk about sports to my friends. We make jokes, we get heated, we find it genius that Rex Grossmen truly is the Sex Cannon. Its from this site that I found all my other sites that you see to your right, and that I visit at least seventeen times a day.

I say all this because the founder and chief editor of Deadspin, Will Leitch, is leaving Deadspin as an editor, to work at a real news paper in New York.

Now he will still write for the site, but he no longer will control it. So to a true great in the world of blogging, We at the Big and Brown, Respect.

Sports Flash

We are going to scatter shoot a little this morning.

-Of all the anti spurs stuff, I think these guys got it best. There is no real reason for the hatred, yet i still do.

- Speaking of basketball, I couldn't have said it better, Paul Peirce is the key to the finials.

- TO, the rich get richer. But do you really want to give an older WR 4 years?

-Now your lying fake crying, Greg Ellis is still a bitch in my book

-Man, now I have to get creative when I make fun of my buddy for like liking the broncos, Travis Henry got cut. There goes the easy "pot smoking" jokes, as well as the "super sperm gives him an extra step" jokes as well. Thanks.

Lastly here is a video that suggests that the Kimbo slice fight was fixed.


But please read this guys take as to why it wasn't

The WWE goes Extreme

For those of you who dislike our fondness of professional wrestling, you can skip this post, but I wanted to say a few things about last nights WWE PPV, One Night Stand.

This is my third favorite PPV of the year, behind the Royal Rumble, and of course, Wrestlemania. The "thing" about the One Night Stand PPV, is it was designed for when the WWE bought out Extreme Championship Wrestling, a promotion that is known for being, well, extreme. They bought it a few years ago, and introduced ECW to the WWE fans with a ECW PPV, one night stand, that showcased the ECW wrestlers getting all bloody and shit against the normal WWE guys. A good concept. Nowadays the ECW that was before the WWE bought it, is long dead, and is repaced by a "minor league" of sorts for the WWE. The Tuesday night show sucks, and is a "proving ground" for up and coming wrestlers for the most part. So the whole ECW One Night Stand is no longer.

But the spirit is still alive as all the matches last night were some kind of Extreme Rules matches. We had a First Blood Match, a Stretcher match, a Falls count anywhere, and a Last man standing. I won't go play by play or even match by match of last night as I know that you don't want to read it, but I wanted to point out a few cool things that went down.

- Shawne Merrymen(I know that's not how you spell it, but i think its funny)(go fuck yourself), Linebacker for the Whales Vagina Chargers was there, and even got involved by hitting someone with a kendo stick. Its so much fun to watch 2 serriored up guys go all crazy with a kendo stick.

-Randy Orton, the company's top Heel(bad guy) got tossed out of the ring last night during his last man standing match, and broke his collar bone. Not like "broke" like he needs a vacation, broke like you could see the damn thing sticking out. He won't be wrestling for awhile. or raising his left hand. Interesting thing about this is the ref was miked up during the match so everybody could he count to 10(last man standing match), so you could hear the exchange between the two wrestlers and and the ref. Highlighted by HHH saying "go for the RKO," then Orton getting tossed outside and saying "Fuck, I Broke my collar Bone."

and one more note, I know that HHH wanted to end the match with his trade mark Sledgehammer last night, but when a guy breaks something, just let him get counted out, you don't have to go pick him up, find the hammer, hit him, and then let the ref count him out.

-Lastly the main event last night had Edge vs the Undertaker in a Table Ladders and Chairs match. That would have been a good match no matter what, but then they threw in the stipulation that if the Undertaker loses, he has to leave WWE. Now the Undertaker has been a top guy in the show for over 15 years, and nobody thought he would lose last night, but he did. Still nobody thinks this will be the end for him, as he is only 44, and we saw flair wrestler for another 10 years after that.

Still if that was the end to the Undertaker, we here at the Big and Brown, will pour out a little bit of our 40 for ya.

-

MMA was this close

Over the weekend, quite a big of sports happened. The NBA finials are going to be LA v Boston, the Rangers got over .500 and then dropped back down to it, and the WWE had one of my favorite PPV's of the year. All those great things were put on the back burner for me because Mixed Martial Arts was taking a giant step, and premiering on network TV for the first time, on CBS, Saturday night.

This wasn't a 2AM special, or a noon start on a Thursday; this was 8:00 pm, sat night, live from Jersey.

I've been a strong to quite strong MMA fan since the days of Hoyce Gracie and Tank Abbot, and have been following it since. I'm not a die hard like some of my friends, but over the past 5 years I've seen the sport go from a side show like mentality to a legit sporting contest, with the rise of the UFC. Stars like Ken Shamrock, Tito Ortiz, Chuck Lidell, and George Saint-Perrier have brought the sport a long from its "freak show" start.

The next step in the evolution is the expose it to as many people as possible. UFC did a fine job of this with the move to Spike TV, and the advent to the Ultimate fighter, a program that features up and coming MMA guys trying to break into the UFC.

The UFC has also done a good job at staying away from the "freak show" like competitors that would for sure garner a quick PPV sale, but in the aspect of legitimizing the sport, take them back a few years.

There were rumblings around the MMA fan sites that a major network was thinking about putting MMA on a prime time slot and seeing what would happen. Everybody thought this would be a fantastic idea as long as it was the UFC, far and away the best promotion in MMA, but more than likely due to the owner of UFC being a money hungry a hole, CBS went with Elite XC, a fighting promotion I knew little about other than they have shows on Showtime.

The next step for MMA and CBS to have a good showing was to get a Star in MMA to headline the first show. The problem is, if you are a star in MMA, your already in the UFC. Enter Kimbo Slice. A 34 year old former homeless person, who is a youtube superstar for his backyard brawls, and body guard for the porn site bangbrothers(i think). In the MMA world this guy is not highly thought of. He has lead hands, sure, but MMA is much much more than heavy hands and a solid jaw.

Non the less Kimbo was perfect for this Match. He was a name that people knew, and he would get the non MMA fan to watch because you never knew when this guy would pop off and kill a guy with his fists. So you get your star to go against a guy he should be able to beat(thompson) and hope Kimbo knocks his head off early.

Step 2 for the night is put a fight right before the Kimbo Slice match that would be a true MMA fight, between 2 good performers, and have it be one hell of a match. That's where the Lawler vs Smith match comes in. Lawler was made famous a few years ago as a hard hitting star of UFC. He is now a little older but still one hell of a fighter.

Lastly, you want to put on the card some matches that will either A)set up future bouts(Rodgers vs. Murphy) B) separate yourself from UFC(the girl fight Carano vs Young) or C)pray from knockouts.

EliteXC was this close to having all those thing work out on Saturday.

The first 3 matches went perfectly. Rodgers opened the show with a knockout and stayed undefeated, and will set up for a nice Rodgers vs Kimbo fight in the near future.

Fight 2 saw another early knock out that was exciting, and the third fight was the chick fight. The hot chick and face of women MMA won and did so in style with the first round of trading blows and then getting the stoppage when Carono hit Young so damn hard in the left eye it swole shut.

Fight 3 was the Lawler(son of Jerry the King) vs. Smith. Now this fight needed to be good. This was the traditional MMA fight between two legit MMA guys. No gimmicks, just good MMA. And it was

For 2 1/2 rounds. Then Smith got poked in the eye inadvertently. And the fight was stopped. What was a war between these two guys, and it was exciting and explosive, and fun to watch, as all the action took place standing up, was over with the blink or should i say poke, of an eye. Neither fighter wanted to stop. The crowd wanted to see a winner. I was yelling at the screen, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria.

Not good for EliteXc, not good for MMA. Stopping a GREAT fight like that. For shame.

So now it was time for Kimbo to kill someone. Only he didn't. He got taken to the ground early and often. Thompson tryed to turn this into a MMA fight. Who does he think he is? Didn't he know that he was supposed to lose to Kimbo in like 30 seconds? Don't take him to ground where you can probably beat him.

But that's what Thompson did, and to Kimbo's credit, he held his own. He did just enough to stay alive and in the third round we all got what we wanted, when one of Kimbos tree trunk like fist's literally exploded thompson's ear. While not the knockout they needed, a knockout none the less.

So the night was a good one, but not really what they hoped for. They were this close to really showing what MMA was all about, but then came up just short. If the Lawler Smith fight would have been finished, and Kimbo not looked so beatable, this thing would have taken off.

But today, most sports guys are saying how they just don't get it. And its sad. MMA was this close. Maybe next time.

Thoughts from Gate B34 at DFW

Right now, I am sitting next to the craziest old coot ever. She is reading a manual for a BlackBerry and ever so often, she blurts out a comment to no one in particular. Things like "she never calls me" or "that's a small plane" or "I'm gonna shower when I get home". I'm the only person sitting here and...I hate people.

-Kimbo Slice...yawn.

-Josh Hamilton a.k.a Max Damage (greatest. nickname. ever) is Mike Young and Mark Teixeira in one person. A likeable guy that can be the face of the organization who just happens to be the tooled player for Arlington.

-Tank Johnson is asking Roger Goodell to reinstate Pacman. Yup, I've got nothing.

-Lakers and Celtics. Admit it, its the matchup you were hoping for. Kobe and KG. Who's the x-factor? Paul Pierce for Boston and Derek Fisher (no, not the lisping Spaniard) for LA.

-Big Brown races to history this weekend. Don't think we won't be watching.

-Enjoy the week.

And now I have to get a DS

People know I love my video games. The all time great, is about to have a new version on the Nintendo DS. (its a game boy with a touch screen).

Enjoy



That's right, a new, read again, NEW tecmo bowl.

September, plus the DS has the best Zelda game since the one for the SNES(oracle of time?).

H.T.Deadspin

Interesting...but how?

From Marc Stein at ESPN.com

The NBA announced to its teams this week at its annual pre-draft camp that fines will be imposed on players starting next season for clear cases of "flopping,"

Okay, so, umm, these guys can still ruin an entire game by flopping and they're just going to see a small dent in their giant salary? Even then, the Association isn't sure how they are going to judge what is and what isn't a flop.

Let me give you a helping hand, here.

Judge for what is and what isn't a flop: Vlade Divac
Jury for what the penalty should be: Charles Oakley
Executioner: Rasheed Wallace (based on his commentary from last night)

Feel free to put together your panel in the comments below.

UFC and one reason its demise might be near

One thing about the UFC, the MMA thorough bread, that has always caught my eye, is how hard the fighters really seam to fight. You hardly ever get a Guy in the octagon that just seems to be there for the pay check.

The reason for this is simple, 99% aren't there for the paycheck. They ARE there because they love it. He is a rundown from last weekends UFC pay per view and how much money each fighter got.


UFC 84 Payouts
B.J. Penn ($250,000 to fight and win)
Sean Sherk ($35,000 to fight)
Wanderlei Silva ($150,000 to fight, no bonus)
Keith Jardine ($10,000 to fight)
Goran Reljic ($6,000 to fight and win)
Wilson Gouveia ($18,000 to fight)
Lyoto Machida ($100,000 to fight and win)
Tito Ortiz ($210,000 to fight)
Thiago Silva ($50,000 to fight and win)
Antonio Mendes ($4,000 to fight)
Rousimar Palhares ($10,000 to fight and win)
Ivan Salaverry ($20,000 to fight)
Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou ($80,000 to fight and win)
Kazuhiro Nakamura ($20,00O to fight)
Rich Clementi ($40,000 to fight and win)
Terry Etim ($10,000 to fight)
Yoshiyuki Yoshida ($12,000 to fight and win)
Jon Koppenhaver ($8,000 to fight)
Dong Hyun Kim ($40,000 to fight and win)
Jason Tan ($3000 to fight)
Shane Carwin ($12,000 to fight and win)
Christian Wellisch ($10,000 to fight)
Total Payout: $1,098,000 - 3.8 Million in just ticket sales
These numbers do not include sponsorships or fight bonuses. Fighter also incur the cost of taxes, medical, licenses, gym dues, and more.
Fighter Bonuses of $75,000 go to:
Fight of the Night: Goran Reljic and Wilson Gouveia
Knockout of the Night: Wanderlei Silva.
Submission of the Night: Rousimar Palhares

So they awarded the fighters somewhere in the 1.2 mill range and they made, on just ticket sales, 3.8. That's kinda fucked up.

With the fact that Dana White is an ass hole, and Elite EX going to CBS this summer, and other company's giving guaranteed money, UFC might be in some trouble.

I love the fact that you still get paid more to put on a good fight and win, and I don't want to see MMA going the way of boxing where the money is made before the fight and has little to do with who really wins the fight, but it seams the UFC could pay their guys a little more.

I don't know this Burger King

But I like his UK Comercials



H.T. On the 205th

Just ooozzzing Spurs....

The Lakers are better than the spurs. While I still think the Hornets are better than the Spurs, the Spurs used their mojo to get in the heads of the Hornets and crush them like an old boxer beats a younger, more talented boxer with his head, or Migs with Jodey Foster, that shit might work on a rookie, but not that southern piece of ass. The Spurs can't do this to the Lakers. This is from a San An paper about the last shot last night.

"If Brent Barry had sold it, he would have forced Crawford to make the call. If
Barry had done a Ginobili, flailing his arms, coming up through Fisher, then
Barry would have shot three free throws. A career 82 percent shooter, he likely
would have made them. Having already scored a season-high 23 points, he would
have become Sean Elliott in 1999, Steve Kerr in 2003 and Horry in 2005. The
unexpected hero of a postseason. But Barry says he didn't see Fisher, and he
released his desperation shot only after Fisher had fallen to the side. No one
blamed Barry. As Popovich said, 'We wouldn't have had a chance to win if it
wasn't for Brent tonight.' Popovich and Barry didn't blame Crawford, either.
Both said it was the proper no-call."

So the saving grace for the Spurs was going to be Brent Barry? Really? Unless Manu and Parker play out of there freaking minds tomorrow night, the Lake show will take this one home in 5.

(I'm just happy I don't have to see a Spurs - Detroit finials. That would bring the gun barrel to my head.)

Just so we're all clear on this

THERE WAS NO FOUL ON THE LAST PLAY.

Barry raised up into Fisher to attempt to shoot through him. It wasn't a flop. It was a chuck from 30 feet and he was getting crowded.

There is no Joey Crawford conspiracy. The Spurs had too many chances to take the lead in this game. Don't blame the refs because Manu couldn't shoot his way out of a paper bag. And before you say it, yeah I was the first one to complain about Dwyane Wade in 2006. That was justified, ask anyone outside of Miami.

Now that I've said it, come with it Bizzle and Uni. Defend your team the only way you can and know how:
-The refs were cheating, and David Stern wants a Lakers-Celts final.
-Look at all the rings we won in the past, that makes us a good team today.
-Asian women's vaginae are horizontal, that makes the Spurs relevant.
-We don't flop, it's natural for South Americans and Europeans to fly 20 feet when they get grazed on the elbow.
-You're just jealous, you're a Mavs fan. (That's probably true, but you can still kiss my ass.)

Final note...there's something very odd about seeing a hobo on the 281 on ramp asking for money yet he's sporting a fresh new Tony Parker jersey. If San Antonio has the money to dress their hobos for game day...wow.

God came down and said, "let them blog"

I leave you nothing more than this bit of genius.

Thoughts from Gate 2 at Love Field

Its a pretty fair assumption about me to say that I'm easily irritated and have been known to snap and launch items on a trans-room flight destined for destruction against a far wall.

That being said, I grow weary of Love Field and miss the friendly confines of DFW. See, Love Field is packed with Chris-Chris like people. That's not to say DFW doesn't, but that's its own city, I can get away and not be reminded that I'm one step away from being "that guy".

People don't talk to me at DFW, and at 6 am while nursing a 3 day hangover, I don't want to talk to anyone. God forbid the ass hat next to me should realize I'm not interested in his sales pitch. Dick milk drinking sack of shit had better recognize.

I should mention the real reason for this post: I'm flying to San Antonio and the guy sitting next to me won't stop arguing that Tony Parker is and will always be the greatest French basketball product.

Excuse me? Tariq Abdul Wahad and Antoine Rigadeaux might have something to say about that.

Anyone? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on?

Things to remeber as you go through life

Might get you through the last little bit of this thursday.

I don't get spurs fans

Watching the NBA playoffs since the Mav's got knocked out has been one of the more enjoyable things over the past few weeks. It's been a nice change of pace to just be a basketball fan as apposed to a fan of a certain team. The past few years I have been living and dying with the Mav's in their playoff runs. The weeks were long as you had to go to a watching party or a bar 2 or three times a week for the mav's game. If they were winning, you felt good and drank too much because of it, If they lost, you felt like shit and drowned your sowers in the bottom of a bottle. Either way, work the next day, or as my body has gotten older, it take me 2 days to recover from a nice night of drinking, sucked.

Now, I have been able to pick a choose what games I watch, and I feel no need to booze it up to calm my nerves. With that in mind I have a buddy who is a big San Antonio Spurs fan, so if I feel like going out and watching a basketball game, he is always down for it if the Spurs are playing.

When the Mav's got dismantled by NOK, he told me that he could grandfather me in to being a Spurs fan for the rest of the playoffs, he wouldn't care, and just for three months, or so have a team to root for. I shot him down right away, not because I hate the spurs, but because I have no interest getting rapped up in one team other than the few I root for. Too much energy.

Then I started watching more and more Spurs games and sans one or two good games vs the Hornets, I can't even see how ANYBODY can be a fan of that stupid team. I know rings make many a thing tolerable, but this team is just a pain to watch.

Let me explain.

Style of play
-This is something that just keeps getting worse as the years go by. Quite possible the best big man in the last 20 years was "fun" to watch when in his prime, that is if you like 15 foot bank shots and watching a fantastic drop step, but he is past his prime. He is still a fantastic player, but he can't dominate games like he used to. Tony Parker can be explosive and exciting, but of the past 4 or 5 games he hasn't really taken that step to just abuse people like he did a few years ago. Manu, while a fantastic player, just always seems out of control, and then you have the bench of former all stars. Mike Finley, Damon Stoudimire, Brent Barry, Kurt Thomas, Joch Vaughn(ok they aren't all all stars, but you get the point). None of these players gets you all antys in your panty when they are standing at the scorers table.

And then there is that whole "We play great defense and are efficient offense" argument. Last night they scored something like 55 points in the first half, and then 32 in the second. I hate games in the 80's.

Complaining
-A few years ago the worst part about being a mav's fan was the fact that you knew your team complained WAY to much about fouls. The only thing more aggravating about your team complaining for fouls, is the other team doing it. When every time someone gets a play in the paint, the result is someone looking around with the WTF face and arms up. Its so effing annoying

Media Love
- Now this one is earned, I know, but when ANYBODY talks about a series that the spurs are in you get the phrase "Well, I'm not going to bet against the Spurs till someone beats them." Such great analysis. Don't worry about the fact that the Spurs don't match up at all with Lakers. Or the fact that they couldn't stop Chirs Paul to save their lives. It just because they have done it before. If you want to pick the Spurs, that's fine, but just tell me why, and not "because they are the defending champs," or "they are playoff tested." If the 92 Bulls came back together and wanted to play the Lakers, would you still pick the Bulls? A 47 year old MJ vs Kobe, but the Bulls are playoff tested.

Bruce Bowen
-I know we have made this point before, but as a fan how can you like this guy? He's dirty, he has no offensive game, and his defense is starting to slip. Tell the truth, every time he spots up in the corner for three, you are screaming in your head, DON'T PASS TO BRUCE, DON'T PASS TO BRUCE!!

So there is another Anti-Spurs rant. Sorry San An fans, but its just not a team I can get behind, and this time its not because they are the mav's rival, they just aren't fun to watch.

Here, I'll start the comments for you.

-Kiss the Rings Bitch.

Brown quits life

That's it. I'm done. Big or Bear is going to have to cut my body down from the rope hanging from the fan in my living room.

Folks, this was on MSNBC (granted the Entertainment/Gossip area), and yes, they refer to it as a "scandal".

"De facto Starbucks spokes-twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen might have a scandal on their hands. A former barista from the Olsen’s oft-frequented Starbucks in New York’s West Village allegedly used to swap out skim milk for the full-fat variety when the girls came by for their caffeine fix...

...one fellow latte-lover close to the Olsens (who requested anonymity) said that she sympathizes with the twins — to an extent. “It’s also my worst nightmare — that and getting a huge diet fountain soda that is mistakenly regular Coke — but I can def(initely) taste the difference"

Yup, I'm done. Goodbye world.

I've been here before...

First, the Wii allows me to play all the old Nintendo games from my past.

Then, Nolan Ryan comes back to the Rangers albeit as President, but he is back none the less.

Then, I discover hair in new places. It's not really the discovery of new hair or new places, it's a shift to gray hair.

Then, I see Sting doing an interview about how he used to wrestle with a fella named Jim Helliwig as "the Blade Runners".

Then I see this:

RVD is training the Ultimate Warrior for his return to pro wrestling

I'm going to and check if my car has a flux capacitor and no one told me because I tend to drive at least 88 mph a majority of the time.

Quick note

I'm swamped with work, but this was sent to me by a friend:

Kimbo Slice, you are slowly entering the realm of TB&TB Hall of Fame with your random shenanigans and tomfoolery.

Think Kenny Chesney offered to be a bottom?

(Just saw this on The Big Lead, so I assume that's where the video was from sent to me)

He done done it again..

In case you missed it, in what has to be the coolest name of a race ever, our HOFer Big Brown won the Preakness this weekend. That's one step away from a tripple crown.



I'm sure we will have more on this in a little bit.

While you were sleeping

Over the weekend, I received a text from a friend/reader(come on lets be honest, 90% of the people who read this are friends, and if you read this and don't know us, your a default friend) shot me a text saying simply "Time to give our Rangers some love."

Now not too long ago I wrote a post where, after the mavs kicked my grief box in the nuts, i hinted that the only thing we have left to look forward to is the Rangers, and how said that is. It truly left me an ice box where my heart used to be.

But, like during most springs at the Big childhood house, we thawed that ice box, and found not only last years fudge pops that have turned into fudgesicles, but a baseball team that's worth watching.

Take a look at the standings of the American League West.

WEST W L PCT GB HOME ROAD RS RA STRK L10
LA Angels 26 20 .565 - 14-11 12-9 211 205 Won 1 4-6
Oakland 24 21 .533 1.5 12-9 12-12 198 167 Lost 1 3-7
Texas 22 23 .489 3.5 12-11 10-12 226 244 Lost 1 7-3
Seattle 18 27 .400 7.5 11-13 7-14 182 207 Won 2 4-6

Our little Arlington Darlings are 22-23, one game back of .500(which they were .500 till yesterday's loss), 7-3 in their last 10, and have now won their last 7(!?!) series'.

Its crazy to thing that you win 7 series's and still be under .500, but if you weren't paying attention to the beginning of the season, and lets be honest nobody was, you missed a span where the Rangers where averaging over 5 errors a game. But as of right now, they are playing really really well, and are fun to watch.

What's the reason for it? We are rocking behind some great play from our Hot Head, our Druggie, and our Drunk (alcoholics go to meeting).

The Hot Head is veteran free agent, and board game genius, Milton Bradley. He is hitting .321 with an OBP of .432.

The Druggie is Josh Hamiliton, and he might be having an MVP type season so far. He's hitting .318, 10 Homers and 49 RBI's.

Our Drunk, Vicente Padilla, has been lights out this year from the mound. He is 6-2 with a 3.16 ERA with 41 K's to only 22 walks. You add some nice help from our closer C.J. Wilson, who is 8 for 9 in save opportunities, and our pitching staff isn't doing that bad.

Now granted its just a really good stretch of Baseball from these guys, and they have all the tools to fall back to earth at any point and play like they did the first few weeks of the year, but as of right now, don't panic, but we have a nice little baseball team.

Did he just fall asleep?

This is the Sandman. A wrestler from the old ECW. Known for being hardcore and drinking beer. Well.....he did one of them.



I find it great that when he says lets go drink beer, he got a huge pop.

I can tell you this

I might just want to play this instead of sex.



(no i wouldn't)

(yes i would)

Guess who's winning the Preakness on Saturday?

We are, bitches!

That's right, our horsey mascot is the overwhelming favorite at the Preakness on Saturday...the second leg of the Triple Crown.

Here's the odds for you notorious gamblers:

Big Brown: 1-2
Gayego: 8-1
Behindathebar: 10-1
Yankee Bravo: 15-1
Kentucky Bear (Bear's Mascot): 15-1
Macho Again: 20-1
Hey Byrn: 20-1
Tres Borrachos (El Blogador's mascot): 30-1
Icabad Crane: 30-1
Racecar Rhapsody: 30-1
Stevil: 30-1
Riley Tucker: 30-1
Giant Moon: 30-1

So, here's to you, Big Brown. I hope you and your jockey, who's name I assume is Little Brown, achieve greatness on account of us. Make another Eight Belles out of the rest of those whore-ses. (See what I did there? Genius!)

Your friends in cyberspace (and eternal Barbaro-dom),
The Big and the Brown

Big's youth comes back to haunt him...

Picked up this story today.

"Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

...

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business."

Ladies (yeah, right) and gentlemen, substitute "Halo on an XBox" for "Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past on Super Nintendo" and you have Big as a child.

If this is true, I'm switching gears on Rick Carlisle

If this story has any legs, then the Mavericks are right back into the meat of the conversation.

I wasn't a big fan of the Rick Carlisle hire. It did enough for me that I pretty much shrugged my shoulders and didn't even bother commenting. I figured, he's the white Avery Johnson: micromanaging, "bring it to the half court and I'll call the play from the bench", focus on defense kind of coach.

I know that he's not going to relinquish power to Jason Kidd (though he should for on the court decisions).

I know that he's already reached out to Dirk because he needed to.

However, it never even dawned on me that Rick Carlisle could deliver the nasty, defensive presence that the Mavericks need: Ron Artest.

I've said several times that the Mavs should make the move with the Kings to get Artest. Now, given that Ron-Ron had his best years under Carlisle, he might want to actually come here.

Howard for Artest? Do that deal every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Come on, Mark Cuban, make this happen.

Could tonight be the start of something new?

This years NBA playoffs have been fantastic. We have had new teams, (or at least new players on some old faces), big step up players, close games, and most notably, the teams that play good D, aren't the favorites anymore.

Tonight, the defending champs, San Antonio, could get knocked out of the playoffs by the upstart New Orleans Hornets. The best all round team over the past 10 years could get beat by the young, fast, offensive oriented Hornets. And on Friday, the Lake show could defeat a Jerry Sloan, defensive grid it out team in the Utah Jazz. And if you look at seeding, they should win.

If LA, and NO meet in the west finials, who ever wins will be the worst Defensive team to come out of the west in 20 years, maybe ever. Now, they both aren't bad defensive teams to say the least, but neither one has anybody that you can say, "hey guy, go cover that teams best player" and expect it to work.

The funny thing is, if you look at the East, they are about where the West was 8 years ago. They have one team that plays fantastic D, but has no real go to superstar(DET), and two teams fighting it out that rely solely on transcendet players(BOS,CLE). They are the LA with Kobe and Shaq, and the anti Sad Sac Kings of a couple years ago(instead of all O, they have all D, and no crunch time player).

Of course all of this a mute point if SA or Utah come back and win the last 2 games, but it gets me excited to think that in a copy cat league, some more teams will start to copy this trend of team oriented, offensive minded play.

"Beat Brown's Caption" Contest!

I'm going to periodically put a picture up with a wacky quote. Use the comment section to beat the quote with something funnier.

Tim Duncan want Snoo-Snoo!

Bittersweet Celebrations

Is it really over?

Don't tease me with such stories. Please let it be true.

Why bittersweet? Well, it's great because no more focus on Jessica Simpson. It's bad because I had planned to use the Romo-Simpson alliance for comedy throughout the next few Cowboy seasons.

My hope is that he treats it like an interception and forgets about it in no time flat. We got plenty of buxom blondes in Dallas who'll do anything for a line of coke and a camera flash. What are the odds that Bobby Carpenter asks her out now? Who's going to care?

I'd like to hear Favre and Bradshaw argue this with back country witticisms on their first pre-game on Fox together. Made for television, I'd say.

Anyway, Tony always has the Aerosmith version of Guitar Hero to look forward to...oh yeah, and the upcoming season.

Did the Mitchell Report have an effect?

So, we're a quarter way through the baseball season, and if you take a look at the numbers across both leagues, you'll notice that doubles, triples, and homers are all down compared to the last few years.

What strategy is winning this season?

Small ball. Manufacturing runs. Moving runners. Stealing bases.

Does this mean that players are actually scared of being outed by the likes of the media and Congress that they've temporarily put down the PED's?

I'm not sure, but a better question might be: is it good for the game?

Does that mean I condone PED usage and "cheating"? No. But what saved baseball 10 years ago? The McGuire-Sosa home run chase and Bonds.

What does the casual fan want to see? Base running or Grand Slams? Stolen Bases or 2 run moon shots?

What is Bud Selig going to do when his game is "clean" but the ratings are down?

I've been drunk on the sweet tears of San Antonio

Eva makes Tony do some crazy shit

Back on the road for work, I've been hunkered down in San Antonio.

There is nothing down here but an Orca whale, J-Bizzle's family, Mexican food and the San Antonio Spurs.

The Hornets crushed the Spurs last night.

San Antonio is sad.

I am happy.

Touch me in those places you only talk about at night.

Tom Brady is so great, he can read my mind

I don't know how many of you saw this story, but it seems that Tom Brady has said words that have been on my mind for awhile now.

In regards to Spygate (can we stop appending "-gate" to every possibly scandal or controversy that plagues someone in the news, please? Watergate was almost 40 years ago.) Tom Brady, who is getting as tired of coverage as the rest of the world, said this:

"I think it's a way to really sell newspapers, and all the ESPN stations, they've got to fill the air, too...It's just kind of the environment right now, though. I think that's the way that guys make it. They just say the craziest things. That's what ESPN has become. ESPN, to me, is like MTV without the videos, ESPN is without the highlights."

So, let's recap

-Best QB since Montana
-Model looks
-Made a MILF out of Bridget Moynahan without any negative reprocussions
-Now dating Victoria's Secret supermodel
-Echos my thoughts on ESPN

Fuck you, Tom Brady. I'm so jealous, it hurts.

Former Cowboy going to jail for......

Crank.

Troy Hambrick, former running back for the Cowboys is going to spend 5 years in jail for selling crack.

That's right. Crack.

Not coke, or x, or even LSD

no no no, Crack.

He was once described as a poor man's eddie george. Guess he should have been a poor man Mike Irvin.

Here is the story

crack!?! WTF

Stock Sports Debate

Much like Barry vs. Emmit or 70's Stealers vs. 90's Cowboys, This is one of those things that drive sports talk show hosts crazy, yet is always a constant at the bar with the "real" fans.

A couple days ago I had an argument with a friend of mine as to what, in the sporting world, would you love to be bad ass at. We started talking about would you rather be Tom Brady or Matt Cassell. One makes ridiculous money, yet has all the pressure on them, the other makes good money and doesn't have to do much ever.

That got me thinking about what would my top sports jobs, not media, be if I had the talent.

I have come up with my top 5, and I want you guys to give us yours. Each one has a specific talent level required, and will be explained.

5. Top 5 Power Forward in the NBA.

This one has the highest work ethic, yet I couldn't leave off my favorite to play. Think Pau Gasol. I would have to be at least thought about every year for the All Star game, have a couple years where I was billy bad ass, and been at least the number 2 option on a team. I would average 18-12 for my career and make at least 7 mill a year, for 12 seasons. The down side with this is the work ethic thing I hinted at earlier. To be a basketball star you have to work your ass off, not just rely on god given talent or else I would end up like Darrius Miles.

4. Pro Golfer better than most, not as big as Tiger or Phil.

I know that sounds like strange. Your thinking to yourself "why not be the best ever?" While that would be nice to know that for the next 300 years people will talk about how great you were, I rather like having a semi normal life. Tiger can't go the mall and get a Jamba Juice. Adam Scott can. Give me 3 or so majors in the span of a 15-20 year run, and 5 years on the senor tour, almost always making the cut, and I'd be happy. And I'd be really, really rich. And have a bitchin farmers tan.

3. Face of American Soccer

This is another one that would be a huge beating with the media, but not as bad as say a QB or superstar B-Ball player. Think Landon Donavan with better ability to play over seas. I would spend every other year playing over seas for the highest bidder, and playing over here with some MLS team while trying to shove soccer down your face. I would be the American Pele', and you all would love me for about 2 months every 4 years for 20 years. Money-check, Respect in game-check, Just famous enough to have people come up to me at chilli's, but not have someone stalking me- check.

2. NFL Punter

This is the coosh job. I thought about maybe a third string QB, or a place kicker, but I think the Punter has the easiest job ever in sports. Even if i were just an average Punter, I would make at least 450,000 a year for probably 15 years, get all the free shit and perks of being a NFL player, and all that jazz. There will never be a situation where the game rests on your shoulders, like a Place Kicker, or a Back up QB. Your body doesn't take hardly any punishment so a injury shorten career is almost out of the question. Plus, you get lots of praise when you do well, and there is always somebody looking for a punter!

1. MLB Starting Pitcher.

As a fan, I am not much of one with Baseball. I love going to games, I follow the box sores of the Rangers, yet with the season so damn long, and the fact that Baseball doesn't translate to TV as well as it should, I don't know as much about it and the everyday goings on as say the NFL. With that said, I think a Really good to bad ass Starting Pitcher would be the best job in sports. You make CRAZY money, you play only once a week, its 90% about you and 10% your team, hell you can even suck ever 3rd or 4th game and still be called great! This is the one that probably puts your body through the most. And sands the soccer one, the one that you will most likely be recognised on the street with, but the perks are too much. You work 8 months out of the year. You make AT LEAST 10 mill a season, and you don't even have to finish the whole game. Other times are spent studying batters, working on control, and perfecting that pick off play.

So there you go, My top 5 sports jobs I wish the good Lord gave me talents to do. Would love to hear what some of yours are.

So I have a problem with this.

Over the weekend, news "broke" on ESPN's outside the lines, that former USC basketball player O.J. Mayo received a bunch of money from an agent over the past 4 year. This would include that since he was a sophomore in High School, somebody was trying to buy their way into being his agent when he turned pro.

This is a problem that's been around sports for ever, and people have different thoughts and opinions about this stuff.

Some aren't surprised, and want to blame the NCAA and NBA for making these kids play one year of college ball.

Pat Forde thinks USC should get the Death Penalty.

I, myself, sit somewhere in the middle. Much like the use of performance enhancing drugs, I don't like the fact the college kids get free perks, but I know it happens. It happens everywhere. From the Brown's big bad UT, to Gerys Alabama, My North Texas, and the Serpa's South Carolina's institute of Technology. If your a bad ass, You get stuff free. Simple.

My problem lies with how ESPN found out about all this Mayo stuff. Enter Louis Johnson. He is a guy that until recently was a part of Mayo's cliq. Not a bad move for the guy, see this high school phenom, befriend him, knowing that he will make it to the pro's and get paid, and hang around for all the perks that come with it. While not the most noble idea, its a decent one non the less.

So Johnson gets booted out just a few weeks before payday, gets pissed and runs to ESPN to tell on his former friend.

In layman's terms. He snitched.

I hate people who snitch. I hate tattle tails, cry babies, and selfish people. I hate them all.

Now don't get me wrong, when it comes to seeing something bad, and police are involved, you have to tell the truth and say what you saw.

But when its just about money, and how your not getting some? Your a pussy, and a Snitch.

Can Johnson hit an 18 footer? Can he drive the lane? Can he carry his team with 18-7? Is he the one that is about to get drafted by an NBA team with a top 10 pick in this years draft?

No. Mayo is.

So because of his shortcomings, he has bring down someone else to his barren level of existence. Like I said earlier, all Schools have people taking money, Didn't you watch the Program? Who care if someone gave the Kid 30,000 over 4 years.

Fucking Snitch.