If you’ve ever wondered why Big and I watch pro wrestling….

This video from With Leather is all the proof you’ll ever need

 

Why we watch wrestling…

Yes, it’s snowing…I can see that.

It’s snowing outside.  I’m so very happy that you felt the need to tell me that.  Please, update your Facebook wall and your Twitter feeds with messages and pictures, not necessarily informing everyone of what this is doing to your day or how it affects them, please just let me know “it’s snowing outside”. 

I don’t have windows in my house.

I don’t have properly functioning ears that were woken up by sleet at 3 am.

I don’t have a dog who’s afraid of his own shadow that decided to barrel into our bed and wedge himself in between me and my wife so he could sleep when he heard thunder.

Matter of fact, I woke up at 6 am, showered, shaved, put on some clothes and casually walked into the garage.  It was a good thing I check my phone to see people telling me that it snowed outside.  Such wonderfully informant friends I have.

Ahh, I’m just fucking with you.  It’s a snow day, and they’re rare as a three ball elephant (walk him and pitch to the rhino!) down here.  Take pictures and enjoy it. 

Missed it by *that* much…

Where we live today…sports.

The weather this past week and weekend in Dallas was perfect. Low’s in the 40’s/50’s and High’s in the 60’s and even 70’s.  I wore shorts most of Saturday, and it’s still January.  Last weekend would’ve been the perfect week and weekend to have the Super Bowl.  All the north east coast people would rave about Dallas in the winter, and it would be no time flat before the Death Star had another Super Bowl on its hands.

But…that was last week.

Allow me to share the weather report for this week:

Monday: 35/59 – cloudy
Tuesday: 13/33 – Wintry Mix Wind chill down to 0
Wednesday 16/22 – Wind chill down to –0
Thursday 21/34 – Partly Cloudy
Friday – 28/38 – Snow
Saturday – 38/55 – Sunny
Sunday – 38/61 – Cloudy

See that?   When everyone is in town, ESPN had the gall to setup an OUTDOOR SET, the weather turns nasty and shitty.  The weekend, gameday and after the game?  Back into the 60’s.   So, what’s that really mean?  I think it’s fairly obvious.

God hates Jerry Jones.

First, he fires Jimmy and surrounds himself with Yes-men.  He continues to bring in shitty people and shitty talent, all while living under expectations set forth 20 years ago by Jimmy’s team.  He builds a new palace, but does so without properly pleasing the football gods – i.e. sacrificing a Manning child (How do you think Lucas Oil stadium went with the Indy super bowl win, and NJ agreeing to build a new Meadowlands after the Giants win?  Sacrifice a Manning child, and you win a Super Bowl…mark it.) 

If you see frogs in the sky and a red tinge to White Rock Lake, expect Stephen Jones to go into hiding.

Big Links for Friday

get it? big links? GFY, I'm not a funny one.

Links brought to you by the letter C, for Cocaine....

Because Brown had a bad dream or something, I'm going to do something that I used to do on the reg, and something that just about every other blog site does, a day of links! So if you're looking for some interesting reading, probably want to go somewhere else, but if you're looking to waste a little time, check the sites out.

Greatest feud ever: Glee versus Kings of Leon. Someone might be challenging Brown for the most hate filled person on the Internet!

New thunder cats? New thunder cats. - It is done in Japan, so of course Cheetara looks like a 12-year-old now. Fucking Crazy Asians.

This homemade LED Pong clock is legit as shit. Honestly this whole make website is legit as shit. Like this weed flinging catapult

Ever want to be one of the Bob's? Corporation Inc. has you covered. Warning this game is addictive as balls.

This Brett Favre spoof is pretty good, if you haven't seen it yet.

Music: The Black Keys and Big Boi from Outkast got their two records mashed up (free download). The result is surprisingly good, and if you don't have big boi’s Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty, his most recent album, go get it now.

And last but not least the second greatest pay-per-view for wrestling is this weekend, The Royal Rumble. Bet your sweet ass, I'm going to be watching it. It's got 40 people now! 40!!!

That's it! Hope I gave you some time killing options this Friday. Have a good weekend and as always #prayformojo.

Yoda Stalin approves

Tiger Returns to the Course Today

For Shizzle

So, today marks the beginning of the 2011 season for Eldrick Woods.  You might remember him from such films as “Greatest Golfer Ever” and “The Night I Cheated on My Supermodel Wife with a Perkins Restaurant Waitress” and “Rachel Uchitel: You Saw Her on Celebrity Rehab…Wouldja?”  Anyway, last year Tiger was basically known for one thing, fucking pornstars and losing golf tournaments.  He tried to return at the Masters, played throughout the year and didn’t win.  He came close, but that mystique of Tiger and championship edge he used to have was gone and young guns like Lee Westood and Graeme McDowell took him down. 

So, what do we expect from Tiger now?  He fired Hank Haney and hired Sean Foley to “fix his swing” again.  He says he spent his (now single) time alone re-grooving his swing, focusing on his short game and re-dedicating himself to mental toughness.  Basically, he says that he has his A game back (he kept saying he was close last year) and now he’s poised to “re-claim his number 1 spot” –- if you didn’t know, this is the first time in 5 years that Tiger has not been the world’s number 1 ranked golfer, it’s Lee Westwood.

Here’s what’s different:

• Tiger isn’t young anymore.  He’s 35 years old.  That’s not old by any means, as you saw guys like Jack winning in his 40’s, but take a look at guys like Phil, and Ernie and Vijay…they’re in their 40’s now and they aren’t really seen as the tour’s best.  Tiger can’t do what he did before because his body isn’t what it used to be. 
• The tour has “caught up” with him.   Guys like McDowell, Westwood, McElroy, Villegas, Watson, Kim…they all grew up watching Tiger Woods and priming their games off of his. Point is, they aren’t afraid of him, they can’t wait for the chance to stand up to the throne and take the spot.  Hell, McDowell and Westwood already did and USGA is already looking at Kim to take the American mantle for golf from Tiger.
• Media scrutiny.  Sure, Tiger was the PGA, and everyone followed golf for Tiger.  That’s nothing new.  Difference now is Tiger has gone from being John Cena to being The Miz.  People don’t love Tiger.  People want to see Tiger lose. People want to see him fail.  People want the king to fall and to see someone take his place.  The media will feed off of that.  I’m not saying you’ll see Feherty switch fields and start being a dick to Tiger, but I am saying you’ll hear more of Johnny Miller and Nick Faldo chipping away. 

So, what do we want to see out of the new TIger?

• Show his personal side. If the transgressions of 2009 and 2010 have proven anything, it’s that Tiger is not the machine that Nike, IMG, and the USGA made him out to be.  We know that Tiger is a man and he has faults. Don’t be the A-Rod machine, show the personal side and try and connect.  For years, golf fans have heard that Tiger is a prankster and, unlike Phil, the entire tour loves Tiger because when the cameras aren’t on him, he’s a genuinely nice and funny guy.  Show that side to the world.  It doesn’t change what you’ve done, but everyone loves a good redemption story – see Bryant, Kobe.
• Drop the Sunday Red routine.  If it doesn’t intimidate anymore, there’s no need to do it.  Jim Duggan looks stupid carrying a 2x4 to the ring, he never gave up.  Wear a different color, or open up your Twitter account (@TigerWoods) and let fans vote on Saturday – highest vote is the color you wear on Sunday. 
• Be smart with the game.  Forget playing Angry Birds off the tee and showing the young guns who you are.  That’s stupid.  Remind us of cerebral Tiger. Play irons only on the links courses.  If you’ve got the lead, play fairways conservatively and hold ground.  Don’t push if you don’t need to, and leave yourself the easy up and downs.
• Embrace being a heel.  How great would it be to start seeing Tiger showing up to tournaments in fur coats, a cigar in hand and local strippers piling out of his car?  Seriously, if the world hates you, and no one will forgive you, then take a cue from the WWE and embrace the hate. Become that figure that everyone hates, but has to watch.  Scream “Noonan” at your playing partners.  Make Happy Gilmore real.

2011 is going to be a make or break year for Tiger.  Torrey Pines is “one of his courses” and he’s primed to start on a good note.   It’ll take one major to get the monkey off his back and remind everyone who he is.  Augusta is practically home to him, so I fully expect him to take another green jacket and return to prominence.  Let’s just hope he does it the right way.

The State of the Blog

Mr. Speaker, the Vice President of The Big & The Brown!

Fellow blog readership.  I first want to say that the state of our blog is strong.  We’ve put out more posts in the past 3 weeks then we did all of 2010 and the end of 2009 combined.  I’d like to thank Big for working with me to find a bi-partisan way to post to this blog without letting our petty, political squabbles get in the way.  (He’s pro-nice, I’m pro-angry…it’s like abortion without the teenagers and hangers)

It is my goal that has been set for this blog that we will average no less than 5 posts per week.  There will be times where this is easier than others.  There will be times where this is impossible because there is no internet available, but it is my commitment to you, the readership, to deliver on the promises that you deserve.

However, this blog is a blog of the people, and it can’t survive and grow without you. If we are to leave this blog in the hands of future generations, we must leave it in better shape than in which we have found it.  This means MORE dick jokes, MORE angry posts and MORE YouTube videos from Big.  We can do our part, but the onus (the anus?) also falls on you, our fair readership. 

We must put aside such petty differences as you not being funny and me being fucking hilarious.  We must put aside our egos and recognize that I am the greatest writer this side of Shakespeare.  We must be willing to accept that if you took those last 2 sentences literally, then you are extremely stupid and shouldn’t read this blog for fear of bruising your brain.  It means that YOU must provide feedback to US and let US, your writers, know what we can do to make this blog better for you.  It means more comments, more emails, and more tweets.  If you have an idea, write it up and send it in.  If it isn’t funny, we’ll send it to Bear, that’s what his blog is for.

Our blog is back and I firmly believe that it is stronger than ever.  Big and I have agreed to put our political differences behind us (until his back is turned, then I’m going to hit him with a chair…REVENGE!) to make our contributions better for you, the reader.  I now charge you to share your thoughts with us, share your dreams with us and share your anus with us…let’s make the biggest Human Centipede that’s ever been!  God Bless America and God Bless The Big & The Brown!

For the record, I was right

About 3 years ago, I wrote this post right here on this blog, and in it, you’ll notice the following line:

“And here's another hot sports opinion about Jessica Simpson: Not. That. Great. If you want to find a large breasted, man-face having girl who can't sing well and has an over bearing father, go to Baylor's campus any day of the week. It had to be said.”

That line of mine (RHYME!) drew this comment from our favorite commenter, Gerry Dorsey:

“disclaimer: this post was written by a bitter cowboys fan who watched his boys lose to an inferior team with home field in the playoffs still on the line. jessica simpson IS in fact smokin' hot and although she got way too much face time, she did deserve at least a little bit of it. please direct your anger at fox as it was not her fault they kept focusing on her sweet, sweet rack. thank you.”

Gerry, I’m going to give you the floor and ask for an apology and retraction from you now that she’s proven that she’s the real-life version of Kendra from “The Cleveland Show”

Things I’m irrationally afraid of…

We’ve all got things we’re afraid of, whether tough guys like Big want to admit it or not.   Most things are traditional types of fears/phobias – heights, enclosed spaces, bugs, snakes, prison, etc.  Others tend to skew on the irrational side of phobias – the number 13, pennies, mustard, etc.

Well, I was joking when I saw the Subway commercials this weekend that I think I need to add Layla Ali to my list of things I’m irrationally afraid of.  Then I got to thinking about it, and I have a couple of things that I’m afraid of that are kind of irrational.  Now, I realize that my friends are complete dicks and will purposely put me in a room of these things, but that’s just what you ass holes do.

So, in no particular order:

1) Layla Ali – Watch a Subway commercial.  Tell me if you don’t think that woman has the capacity to rape you…WITH YOUR OWN PENIS.

2) Whales – Yes, it’s true. I hate whales. They scare the shit out of me. It doesn’t mean that I curl into the fetal position at Sea World, but God help me if I’m on a boat and see a whale.  There’s nothing majestic about a giant animal that, by simply altering its direction under water, can take out the object that is keeping me afloat and everyone in it.  Whales, they’re fucking Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”…stupid enough to swim into Boston Harbor and big enough to take down an armada…yet somehow, succumb to the Japanese…it’s why I buy Sony products.

3) Children singing – Listen to Pink Floyd’s “the Wall”…that’s some fucking scary shit. Now listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers “Aeroplane'”.  Now listen to the kids choir in “Home Alone'” JUST AS FUCKING SCARY!  Kids are creepy when they sing.  Laugh, play, enjoy all you want to, but the minute a group of kids start singing, hackles get raised on my back.

Okay, this post ran out of steam because I got a phone call and totally lost my train of thought.  So, there you go, I’m afraid of Layla Ali, Whales and Children Singing…so, take me to Sea World when she’s doing an appearance with the Vienna Boys Choir and you might see my explode like the movie Scanners.

Thoughts on the upcoming Super Bowl

• The Packers and Steelers easily had one of the best regular season games this year that was back and forth out of the chute and trading punches the whole way through.  Let’s hope for a repeat
• Why the hell does Lewisville have Super Bowl banners on the street lights?  I mean the official, NFL Super Bowl XV banners with the word “Lewisville”.  Shouldn’t that be restricted to Arlington (stadium), Dallas (NFC), Ft. Worth (AFC) and Irving (Valley Ranch)? Last I checked, the Fighting Farmers stadium isn’t big enough to withstand that magnitude /admiral ackbar’d
• I like Aaron Rodgers. He was my MVP pick last year.  I don’t have a joke, I’m just saying he seems like a decent enough guy, and his celebration is wrestling related.
• Everyone in Dallas bitching because Pittsburgh and Green Bay are playing in the Super Bowl here had damn sure better be in their 50’s. This is hardly the same league as Landry, Noll and Lombardi’s was 40 years ago.  Let’s stop pretending that we care. The same people who are complaining are the same people who stopped watching football when the Cowboys went 1-7 and want to trade Romo because Kitna’s “better”.
• I am in paralyzing fear of what traffic will be like next week in this city.  That being said, all this construction was supposed to be done before the Super Bowl…kind of missed the mark, didn’t we?
• I tweeted this but, The Situation is having a Super Bowl party at Blackfinn in Addison.  I dare say that’s just not douchey enough, right?  Shouldn’t he be at one of the one word places in Uptown? 
• GameDay Final on the NFL Network is easily one of the best shows on television.
• What gets more play: Rodgers potentially displacing Favre’s legacy or Roethlisberger potentially joining Bradshaw, Montana, Aikman, and Brady with 3 super bowls
• If (when) Deion gets in the HOF, does he thank Jesus first or himself?
• If this was the WWE, I’d guarantee you this game would have a Polamalu v Matthews Hair v Hair stipulation.
• My pick : Packers 24, Steelers 21 – game winning drive for Rodgers.
• My secondary pick?  Bear will grow his beard real strong this week as though he’s playing in the game and say that’s what he used to do for the high school playoffs.

The Texas Network

You don’t make $80 MM profit every year without pissing everyone off

Ok, let’s say that I am one of 10 phone makers in the South. Myself and the 9 other companies all represent AT&T.  All of the money we generate, and all of the hype we generate benefits not only ourselves but also AT&T.  If I’m AT&T, it doesn’t really matter who of the 10 of us does well, it just matters that a) AT&T has a representative in the discussion versus Verizon, Sprint, T-Mobile, Boost, etc. and b) cellular phones, in general, maintain their growth and popularity.

Now, my company happens to make the most money of the 10 companies, and my company gets first pick when it comes to the best talent to be hired: creative people, sales people, technology people, you name it.  The best talent usually chooses to go and work for one of the top 3 companies in the area.

Because my company has the most money, and because my company’s phone is one of the e most widely used phones, to the point that a lot of the nation inside and outside my area has my phone, I am able to broker a deal with the Belo Companies to have my own page in the Dallas Morning News, my own site on DallasNews.com, and a my own spot on WFAA to be run during every show.  It benefits me because I get to promote my product, and it benefits Belo because their relationship with me ties my loyal patrons to them as well.

AT&T benefits because they get high profile.  Cellular phones benefit because they get more promotion.  My company benefits because of the deal that I have struck with a media channel.  In the business world, I would be heralded for smart business sense and I would be lauded for the deal that I have made.  Would my competitors be mad?  Sure, but it isn’t my job to make sure my competition does well.  As long as AT&T has a competitive phone against the other companies, it doesn’t matter because AT&T can still compete.  Other companies can switch allegiances to Verizon and what-not, but AT&T is too recognizable to not be in the “who’s the best cell phone provider in America?” argument. 

So…explain to me again, how is it Texas job to take care of the rest of the conference and why are Oklahoma and A&M screaming foul?

American Idol is back

Who’s the old lady next to Jennifer Lopez?

I don’t watch "American Idol”, per se.  I watch the first few weeks of “American Idol” because, like everyone not named Big, I enjoy watching a train wreck.  The new season started up, and, unless you’ve been living under a bridge, you know that gone are Simon Cowell and Kara DiGiorniolliollioxinfree and coming to the show are Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Randy Jackson remains because, well, Journey isn’t making albums and daddy needs to get paid.

So, right out of the gate the first thing I notice is that “American Idol” seems to think that Jennifer Lopez is a bigger music star than Steven Tyler or Jimmy Iovine.  Did I miss something?  Just when the hell did a former Fly Girl become more famous than the front man for Aerosmith or the brain at Interscope?  Did that memo get lost in the mail?  What’s going on here?

Second, where’s the mean-ness?  I’m starting to think maybe we need to promote this blog (at least my posts) in England because being mean (or, as I call it, honest) seems to fly a bit more over there.  I don’t want to see Steven Tyler singing along and drumming the table or Jennifer Lopez being nice, I want a snarky Brit rubbing his man boobs and telling someone they are tah-rri-buhl.

Third. Jennifer Lopez doesn’t look that bad for a 42 year old Mexican mother of two married to Skeletor.

Fourth. Steven Tyler. Oh man, what happened?  I can completely understand why Joe Perry kicked him out of the band. Steven Tyler is slowly morphing into Janice Dickinson, or vice versa.  Is that was Liv Tyler is going to look like in 60 years?  Yeesh. 

Finally, “American Idol” will always dominate rating simply because it was the first out of the gate with the whole singing competition idea (since “Star Search”) and people will flock to it.  I don’t care for the competition itself, but don’t think that you have to tone it down because your snarky Brit is gone.  Come on, Fox, turn it up.  Don’t let “Glee” ruin “American Idol”.  Next time someone can’t sing, have Randy Jackson walk up and slap them. Have Steven Tyler just shoot heroine on screen because he’s so disturbed he’s going back to drugs.  Have Jennifer Lopez…I dunno, let a boob fall out or something.  Regain the Fox attitude. 

Nude Music Friday Lite - Things I over heard at Girl Talk

This last weekend I went to go see a concert, if you can call it that, from an artist called girl talk. And even though it is motto is "I'm not a DJ" he pretty much basically is just a DJ. Now he is a very specific kind of DJ, but a DJ nonetheless. For those of you who don't know who girl talk is let me explain. Girl talk can mash up a Beatles backbeat with an Andre 3000 song, and then take that right into a Twisted Sister and Trina mash up. That sounds pretty insane, I know, but take a look at this video. The video explains it way more than I can with words.



allow me to also explain what this guy does at his "concerts." Up on stage there is DJ booth set up with a computer at the front of it instead of turntables. At the beginning of the show girl talk comes out dressed to the nines in a suit or something spiffy like that, gets on the microphone and says stuff like "Dallas are you ready" and another typical hype you up type stuff. Then he bends over and basically presses play on his laptop and plays his mix tape. (Which you can download for free here )(which is something I highly recommend you do, it is fan fucking tastic)

once the music is going, the lights get going, the lasers get going,(all that's missing was titties for it to be strip club) and everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY started dancing. This is where the girl talk show becomes something you would never expect it to be. No matter your level of intoxication, people who are around you, things you're wearing, you've just start dancing.

All that, you mix "hip or trendy music" with hip-hop, adding in a bunch of young people really cutting loose, booze, and random other narcotics, you get a pretty interesting crowd. Mostly white, mostly young, mostly well-to-do, basically mostly SMU kids. If it wasn't for the hip-hop, and "don't give a fuck" mentality, this would be hipster central.

So without further ado, here are the things that I heard at the girl talk concert.

Girl in our party walking up to where we were tailgating where we were listening to LCD sound system: “ohhh sound system, we gonna party tonight!”

Young kids next to us in the parking lot, wall taking a pull from a milk jug containing some green liquid: “I call this a green DRANK, it's like purple DRANK, but with Green apple schnapps”

exchange with young kids next to us in the parking lot:
Them : have y'all been here before?
US : yes (it was at the Palladium)
Them : can you smoke inside?
Us: no
Them : not even weed?
Us: no no, that's okay.
Them : Sweet

some dude dancing near us: "i haven't felt this good since fourloko was gone!"

while at the bar, waiting for a drink, ten of the 15 people (I counted) around me : “I wonder how much a jager bomb is?”

While leaving the concert, random girl: “I wonder if chet, or chaz are having people over tonight.”

All and all like I said it was a great time, but the young kids future douche factor was through the roof. Take that for what it's worth, the music was still great, the dancing was still insane, and I can't wait to go back next time.

An ode to Pizza

Hope you ate breakfast because this’ll make you hungry

You might remember that I already wrote my piece on sandwiches being the greatest food ever.  A close second, might be pizza.  Pizza, similar to that of the sandwich, is very simplistic, yet one of the most versatile food items out there.

People need to stop trying to trick up pizza and just stay on the classic front.  For example, what’s wrong with plain pizza cheese?  Nothing.  There’s absolutely no need to apply goat cheese to a pizza.  Come to think of it, there’s nothing appetizing about the goat, why in God’s name did we decide to treat it like a cow?   Same with crazy ass toppings.  There’s no such thing as a “gourmet” pizza, and there’s no need to have a toppings list the length of the dead sea scrolls. 

Crusts are a whole separate issue.  Crusts are great, but they shouldn’t be taken for more than they are.  The pie tin of pizza-dom.  Deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza is okay, when you’re in Chicago at the original.  Otherwise, you basically screwed up a lasagna and you’re trying to pass it off as pizza.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, tops the classic thin crust New York style pizza.   In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the only thing that separates the “high end” pizza joints from your run of the mill Pizza Huts and Domino’s is the quality of crust.

So, even though types of pizza, size of pizza and toppings of pizza are the most debated topic in the history of food, I will submit to you, the top 5 pizza combos on the planet (in no particular order).

1) Plain Cheese
2) Sausage and Mushroom
3) Ham and Pineapple
4) Onion and Jalapeno
5) Barbecue Chicken

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “where’s pepperoni?”  I’ll ask you, why have pepperoni when you can get sausage or ham?   See, pepperoni isn’t that great, it’s just a conditioned response from when we were kids.  We had two options, cheese or pepperoni.  That was it.  That’s carried over so much that we’re conditioned that pepperoni is a top choice, when I’d argue it really isn’t. 

I welcome your thoughts.

"Knocked the wind out of me, Yes he did!"

Happy MLK day.

How to Win Awards in Hollywood…

Giggle.

It’s easy, just make a movie or TV show about gay people during the Holocaust.

Ok, even I admit that’s a terrible joke that probably deserves a rim shot/slide whistle/gong noise after it.

I was watching the the Golden Globes last night, and couldn’t help but roll my eyes every single time that the show “Glee” won something.  (I could throw the movie, “The Kids are All Right”, into this post, but I hadn’t heard of it before last night, let alone seen it.)   It has nothing to do with gay people, I just feel like it’s not a good show. 

I saw the first season/half-season of the show because I was a huge “Nip/Tuck” P1, so I was willing to watch it if Ryan Murphy was involved.  Thing is, I really liked that first season of the show.  It actually had a solid series of interwoven plot lines, plot lines that were dark if not eyebrow raising for a network show.  It also managed to intermingle music in a pretty damn good way that kept you interested…way better than that “Viva Laughlin” show ever did…anyone? anyone? 

However, I think the show was ruined by its own success and by its own fans.  Glee’s fan base is made up of Oprah fans, young teenagers and gay people.  Let’s not mix words here, that’s God’s honest truth.  Nothing about that demographic says that they should’ve continued with the story lines they had, they all pointed to, crank up the tuneage and focus on the gay kids.  That makes perfect business sense, and I’ve got no problem with it, hence I exercised my option to no longer watch the show.

I’m not trying to say that everyone should think like I do (stop shaking your head), but come on, critics need to slam on the brakes with this show.  “Glee” was up against the following: “30 Rock”, “The Big Bang Theory”, “The Big C”, “Modern Family” and “Nurse Jackie”.    First of all, where the hell was “Community” on that list?  Shit, what about “Archer” or you know well written or well acted shows that legitimately make people laugh?  Taking the oversights out, how the hell do you take “Glee” over “Modern Family”?    It’s obvious that the HFPA doesn’t really know a whole lot of what it’s doing (Not having “Sons of Anarchy” or “Justified” be nominated is a god damned shamed…though Katey Sagal winning was a nice touch), but it just seems like shows that should get critical acclaim get passed up (and sometimes cancelled) because shitty shows with cookie cutter approaches to high value demographics win out.

Maybe I’m just showing my super indie side, and I’m a closet hipster who totally knows what’s good and what everyone else likes sucks.  Let’s just hug each other, be happy and make a gay holocaust movie.  I want to have my red carpet wardrobe malfunction.

Verizon getting the iPhone will make AT&T’s network better.

Are people going to wait outside stores in this weather?

Everyone is thrilled that Verizon is getting the iPhone.  Why? The universal answer leans towards “AT&T’s network sucks”.  The minority are Verizon people who’ve been stuck with crap that would just like a nice phone to have.

I have a theory about this.  AT&T’s network sucks because it’s the only one with the iPhone.  I can’t back up this theory because I don’t know shit about the technology.  So, if you’re a technophile or you’re Bear and have access to Wikipedia, then by all means, correct me in the comments.

No one who has an iPhone actually uses it for telephone calls.  They use it for texts, for internet browsing, for Twitter, for Facebook, for apps, for whatever, but rarely for phone calls.  By the way, that goes for all phones, but this is iPhone related…we don’t talk anymore, we text. (I have an iPhone for work, and though I don’t use it, it’s a nice phone and I can see why so many people like it…not those “Apple or Die” hipsters, but regular people.)

Anyhow, I digress. The theory is that you’re on the AT&T 3G network, and that network is 10 kinds of clogged up with people on data transmissions, then naturally, it is going to elbow out the voice bandwidth.  Hence, dropped calls. 

I’ve been an AT&T customer since cell phones became commonplace (I think I got my first “regular use” cell phone in 2004. I had a cell phone before then, but that’s when monthly plans only gave you like 30 minutes a month and I only used that to call my parents and my then-girlfriend.).  I actually haven’t had any of the problems that everyone else seems to have (sitting strong on the EDGE network).  I don’t seem to notice dropped calls or anything like that, so when people swear a blood oath against AT&T, I (hypocritically) think, “what’s this person so angry about? it’s a cell phone.” 

Anyway, given my network theory.  The people using the iPhone hate the network that is clogged due to iPhone use.  It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions.  So, when these people who HAVE TO HAVE an iPhone, but have sworn a blood oath to overthrow AT&T are going to switch over to Verizon, then the AT&T network is going to clear up,right?   When that happens, then maybe the networks are going to be easier and the calls won’t be dropped. When that happens, then maybe people won’t be so angry about their cell phones anymore.  And when that happens?  Peace in the Middle East!

Jeez, what’s the deal with people being so angry all the time? Can’t we just grab a guitar, have a drink, smoke a joint and hug each other?  Anyway, I hope Verizon is ready for the onslaught of people and data.

G.R.O.S.S. Fight Club

This is the greatest video of all time, I know because I read Calvin and Hobbs as a kid so I can say that and you can't get mad at me if you disagree.

H/T : GorillaMask

Being “retired” means I get to be an analyst, right?

More or less, me

When sports players retire, inevitably we see them crop up in ESPN or Fox booths and studios as analysts.   In some cases, its almost literally the next day.  I’d like to think that after a man gets married, he is “retiring” from the game and with that in mind, he gets to enter the booth/studio and become an analyst.  Instead of having to study defenses on the field and know how to break through and score (god damn I love this metaphor), now I get to sit on my high horse, looking down on the field and saying “hmm, should’ve done that” with a smarmy attitude (if that’s a Madden ranking, I’m a solid 99).

With that being said, I’m retired and I’d like to sit in the studio.  I’m not going to claim I was a HOF guy or even anyone who merits mention.  I’d say I’m more like Sean Salisbury. I played the game, and then I retired. Now I spend my day analyzing things, eating hot wings and sending pictures of my dong to my wife.  Hi, babe!

So, here’s what I’ve noticed from the booth:

Women

You understand that fashion means nothing to straight men, right?  I’m not saying walk around in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.(though you tend to think that’s okay to do for some fucking reason. Seriously, have we fucking degraded so much as a society that it’s acceptable for people to walk around in pajama pants and a god damned sweatshirt?  Don’t give me the “its comfortable” excuse because that’s bullshit.  There’s a difference between your house and public.  Put some jeans on.)  What I’m saying is that the shit you see designed by some queen on Project Runway makes you look stupid, not sexy.  Here’s some tips:

• Boobs are great. We love them.  If you’re going to show them, don’t get offended.  If you’re fat, we don’t want to see your boobs because your cleavage and your knee fat look identical.
• Wear what fits.  This means that if you’ve got a belly like mine, form-fitting clothing doesn’t work.  If you’ve got stumpy legs, perhaps leggings shouldn’t be your option.  If you’ve got a flat stomach and rocking tits, avoid the fleece pullover.
• Makeup and jewelry, less is more.  The worst thing on the planet is when a women looks like she shoved a firecracker up a parrot’s ass, closed her eyes and accepted what happens next as her make up.   You shouldn’t have to “put on your face”.  The difference between you with and without makeup shouldn’t be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  As for jewelry?  Well, I pity the fool who fucks Mr. T’s mom. 

Men

Wow, we’ve gotten quite awesome haven’t we?  We go to the gym, we dress “fresh to death” in our screen printed t-shirts (Ed Hardy to douche, irony to hipster!), and we spend a lot of time grooming our facial hair.  (Beards?  Really?  Beards are in?  I get being lazy and just not wanting to shave, but if you’re spending an hour trimming a beard and making sure lines are straight, just cut your throat and do the world a favor.)   By the way, when did it become acceptable to not actually talk to a woman and instead use Facebook, Twitter and texting to flirt?  (See how I play my studio analyst role? That’s what I used to do and how I met my wife, now I say it’s stupid!! GO ME!)   Jesus, just grow some balls, walk up to a girl and say “hi, my name is Brown, what’s yours? Can I buy you a drink?”  What’s the worst that can happen?  She is going to stand up and say “hey everyone! this little dick loser just asked me for my name and to buy me a drink.  what a fag!” ?  I doubt it.  She says no, and you move on.  (STUDIO ANALYSIS!!!)

• Skinny jeans were made for women.  You are a man.  Don’t wear clothing made for women.
• Facial hair.  I appreciate a solid beard or mustache that says “I’m too lazy to shave and I don’t care” or “I’m a Canadian lumberjack” or “I’m comic, Kyle Kinane”.  But actively spending time in the mirror trimming your face?  Come on.
• V-Necks are for folks who don’t need an undershirt peeking out of a shirt or for sweaters. Men shouldn’t have cleavage.
• Jewelry. Just because the Situation stole shit from Madonna’s Vogue video, doesn’t mean you need to wear a Jesus piece to rival Lil Wayne. Unless you’ve got a hot new album dropping tomorrow and the studio gave you an advance to hang a diamond plated midget from your necklace, tuck that behind your shirt.   You also graduated 10 years ago.  I think you can safely put away your school ring now.

Again, I’m a studio analyst, so I have complete license to make these calls and you’re not allowed to question anything I say.  I played the game, man.  I know how it goes.  America, nay the WORLD, wants to hear my thoughts and opinions because mine matter. 

We’ll protect everyone’s voice…except Conservatives

You’ll find none here.

Look, I’m not looking to start a political war here.  My political beliefs are about as moderate and down the middle as it gets.  On some things I’m all the way right, on others I’m all the way left.  What I’d like to think is that I apply logic and thought to each of the topics and develop my OWN opinion rather than just listen to Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, John Stewart or Rush and take it as the gospel.

However, given the tragedy in Arizona, I noticed something coming from the squawking heads on the left.  (When I say that, I don’t just mean Olbermann and Maddow, I’m mean comics, celebrities, hippies, Gawker, you name it) was that they immediately started blaming the tea party, conservatives, Rush and Sarah Palin. 

Huh?

Aren’t these the same people who beg and plead with conservatives NOT to blanket blame of Islam and Muslims for 9/11 and other terrorist attacks?  Why is it okay for one side to blame a group of people for a tragedy and then scold that group for blaming someone else?  I’m not equating the Arizona tragedy with 9/11, so don’t jump to that conclusion.  What I’m saying is, when did it become okay for you to blame one set of thoughts, but scold others for blaming a set of thoughts? 

Can’t we all agree that this dude was just bat shit insane?  I’m not calling for gun control to change.  I’m not saying that a map of “targeted constituencies” goaded someone to actually target a constituency.  I’m not even blaming a failing health care system for not catching a crazy person.  All I’m saying is, this Loughner kid was crazy.  Period.  There isn’t a political spin to it. 

So, even for you non-politcos out there, don’t take this tragedy and start assigning blame because you feel like you need a logical reason for why things happen.  Shit happens and it happens without a reason or justification.  That’s life.  We should mourn those who were killed.  We should ask ourselves what can we do better to help prevent bad things from happening.  We should also take a moment to be rational and apply thought when things happens that we can’t imagine.

FYI, no post tomorrow morning as I’m out of town on business.

Is Garrett the right man for the job?

Patience, my young padowan

We’ll see, I guess.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or too busy watching Glee to take, you’ve seen that Jason “Garrett-Top” Garrett is officially the new Cowboys coach.  Based on him taking a 1-7, listless team and turning them into a competitive 5-3 team, he got the job and an unexpected vocal confirmation that he’ll have final control over coaches and players.

Only 2 men have had that type of control under Jerrah, Jimmy and Parcells.   What does that mean for Garrett?

Who knows? 

Jimmy coached in a time without free agency and salary caps (don’t quote me on the second part, it does make me look smart though).   He put together a team rife with talent, made big trades and operated without interjection from a novice Jerry Jones.  For all intents and purposes, Jimmy took this franchise and brought it into the modern era.  If Landry was #1 in the Cowboy coaching books, for our generation of Cowboys fans, Jimmy is 1A.  

Parcells came in on his white horse amid Gaily and Campo.  He took a lazy, underachieving team that Jerry had mutated, and brought them back to norm.  He didn’t win playoff games or a Super Bowl, but he took the Cowboys from joke to back in the discussion.  Like with Jimmy, Jerry ceded control to Parcells.  Parcells, however, brought in the old guard (Pepper Johnson, Mo Carthon, etc.) and tried to re-create the magic he had in New York and New England.  He had the right philosophy, but the wrong execution.

Whitlock nailed it on the head when he described Peyton Manning over-thinking and over-doing. He said that the greatest quarterbacks of their time had a coach that was cerebral enough to think for them and allow the players to execute on the field.  To quote him, “Joe Montana had Bill Walsh. Tom Brady has Bill Belichick. Terry Bradshaw had Chuck Noll. John Elway had Mike Shanahan. Troy Aikman had Jimmy Johnson. Bart Starr had Vince Lombardi.”  The NFL is a quarterbacks league, and if Tony Romo is the next Staubach/Aikman (great QB, rings) instead of the next Meredith/White (great QB, no ring), then he must have his Yoda.

Can Jason Garrett be that Yoda?  He says he’s sat with Jimmy and Troy to learn from them.  Forget the Princeton education, does he have the sideline education?  He spent more than enough time behind Jimmy and Norv with a clipboard.  What has he gleaned?  Will he over-think it or will he be Tony Romo’s brain for him?   Jason Garrett’s job is to hire the assistant coaches around him to handle the player squads around him. His focus should be on synching his quarterback’s brain with his own and letting Romo do it on the field.