American Idol is back

Who’s the old lady next to Jennifer Lopez?

I don’t watch "American Idol”, per se.  I watch the first few weeks of “American Idol” because, like everyone not named Big, I enjoy watching a train wreck.  The new season started up, and, unless you’ve been living under a bridge, you know that gone are Simon Cowell and Kara DiGiorniolliollioxinfree and coming to the show are Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Randy Jackson remains because, well, Journey isn’t making albums and daddy needs to get paid.

So, right out of the gate the first thing I notice is that “American Idol” seems to think that Jennifer Lopez is a bigger music star than Steven Tyler or Jimmy Iovine.  Did I miss something?  Just when the hell did a former Fly Girl become more famous than the front man for Aerosmith or the brain at Interscope?  Did that memo get lost in the mail?  What’s going on here?

Second, where’s the mean-ness?  I’m starting to think maybe we need to promote this blog (at least my posts) in England because being mean (or, as I call it, honest) seems to fly a bit more over there.  I don’t want to see Steven Tyler singing along and drumming the table or Jennifer Lopez being nice, I want a snarky Brit rubbing his man boobs and telling someone they are tah-rri-buhl.

Third. Jennifer Lopez doesn’t look that bad for a 42 year old Mexican mother of two married to Skeletor.

Fourth. Steven Tyler. Oh man, what happened?  I can completely understand why Joe Perry kicked him out of the band. Steven Tyler is slowly morphing into Janice Dickinson, or vice versa.  Is that was Liv Tyler is going to look like in 60 years?  Yeesh. 

Finally, “American Idol” will always dominate rating simply because it was the first out of the gate with the whole singing competition idea (since “Star Search”) and people will flock to it.  I don’t care for the competition itself, but don’t think that you have to tone it down because your snarky Brit is gone.  Come on, Fox, turn it up.  Don’t let “Glee” ruin “American Idol”.  Next time someone can’t sing, have Randy Jackson walk up and slap them. Have Steven Tyler just shoot heroine on screen because he’s so disturbed he’s going back to drugs.  Have Jennifer Lopez…I dunno, let a boob fall out or something.  Regain the Fox attitude. 

Big and Brown Idol: Season 1: J-Bizzle

Today's entry comes from J-Bizzle. Remember, if you want to tryout for Season 1 of Big and Brown Idol, send your entry to our email address, thebigandthebrown@yahoo.com You don't win anything, and we're only allowing it for this and maybe next week.

Tyler Hansbrough is the best player in men's college basketball this season. I could probably do my research and make all kinds of arguments as to why I wrote the previous statement. However, I feel that enough has already been written about Hansbrough, Mayo, Augustin, Beasley, etc, etc, and, frankly I don't really care who wins the award. I like my college basketball like I like my Major League Baseball.....one month out of the year (unless a team I care about is playing, naturally). What is bothering me today is what is sometimes said about these kids, specifically during games.

During the Lousiville and North Carolina match-up, Hansbrough played his typical game. He had a few timely points, a couple highlights and several "deer in the headlights" looks. (Anybody else notice that he always looks like that?) Anyway, sometime in the second half, UNC's right-handed forward drove the lane and finished with his LEFT hand. Holy macarol this kid is "amphibious"! Wait, did I just make a Big-like spelling error? No, no. One of the commentators of the game (man I wish I had this guy's name) actually said that Tyler Hansbrough is amphibious. Poor kid, this guy has ruined his life, because there is only one explanation for this. Tyler Hansbrough is Aquaman!

His secret identity has been ruined. Okay, maybe not.

What Mr. Imadumass (sound it out) meant to say was that Hansbrough is AMBIDEXTROUS, meaning "able to use both hands equally well". He can finish with both right and left hand alike. Instead of mistakingly comparing this kid to a frog or a toad, maybe someone should try reading some literature that is above a 6th grade level. There's no reason..., here's my point, dude. There's no fucking reason...that, while being the color guy of a NATIONALLY televised sporting event, you should use THAT time to try and stretch your vocabulary! Not only was this guy wrong, he was way out in left field, which is in a different sport entirely! Rabble, rabble, rabble!

Like we said, this is your chance as reader to show you can write something or you should slowly step away from the keyboard. Any comments you have should be directed at the author and not us. We take no responsibility. Lately, Big and I are cranking out term papers on this site, so maybe this was more palatable for you.

Sometimes, even I've got nothing to say

I know what you're thinking, "that's not possible, Brown's full of piss, vinegar, and hot air."

Well, it's true. Sometimes there just isn't much to say.

It's the beginning of baseball season, but I've already given up on the Rangers (record pace, normally that happens at the end of April). Sure, I could spend any number of posts bitching about the Mavericks, but I won't do that. The draft is still too far away, so the Cowboys aren't on my radar. I love soccer, but I don't pay for Setanta sports and the MLS is weed to a crack head, just not enough buzz. I could write a review of Wrestlemania, but the people that would give a damn were watching it last night.

Since I really don't want to resort to link lists and YouTube clip posts, though I have done so in the past, I want to open the door to others to get their write on.

I know a fair share of you think you can write better stuff than Big and I, so here's your chance. Write up a post, email it to us (link's on the sidebar), and if it has any kind of substance, we'll post it. Think of this as "Big and Brown Idol". So all you people who, like we used to do, just sit on the sidelines and talk shit, here's your chance. We're not looking for other bloggers (got that, Unit and Dorsey?) . We're looking at those people who put on the airs that they know everything there is to know about everything (ass holes like me).

Fair warning, we're not claiming responsibility for these guest posts. You write it, we post it, you catch praise/heat for it.

Phone lines are open.