Being “retired” means I get to be an analyst, right?

More or less, me

When sports players retire, inevitably we see them crop up in ESPN or Fox booths and studios as analysts.   In some cases, its almost literally the next day.  I’d like to think that after a man gets married, he is “retiring” from the game and with that in mind, he gets to enter the booth/studio and become an analyst.  Instead of having to study defenses on the field and know how to break through and score (god damn I love this metaphor), now I get to sit on my high horse, looking down on the field and saying “hmm, should’ve done that” with a smarmy attitude (if that’s a Madden ranking, I’m a solid 99).

With that being said, I’m retired and I’d like to sit in the studio.  I’m not going to claim I was a HOF guy or even anyone who merits mention.  I’d say I’m more like Sean Salisbury. I played the game, and then I retired. Now I spend my day analyzing things, eating hot wings and sending pictures of my dong to my wife.  Hi, babe!

So, here’s what I’ve noticed from the booth:

Women

You understand that fashion means nothing to straight men, right?  I’m not saying walk around in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.(though you tend to think that’s okay to do for some fucking reason. Seriously, have we fucking degraded so much as a society that it’s acceptable for people to walk around in pajama pants and a god damned sweatshirt?  Don’t give me the “its comfortable” excuse because that’s bullshit.  There’s a difference between your house and public.  Put some jeans on.)  What I’m saying is that the shit you see designed by some queen on Project Runway makes you look stupid, not sexy.  Here’s some tips:

• Boobs are great. We love them.  If you’re going to show them, don’t get offended.  If you’re fat, we don’t want to see your boobs because your cleavage and your knee fat look identical.
• Wear what fits.  This means that if you’ve got a belly like mine, form-fitting clothing doesn’t work.  If you’ve got stumpy legs, perhaps leggings shouldn’t be your option.  If you’ve got a flat stomach and rocking tits, avoid the fleece pullover.
• Makeup and jewelry, less is more.  The worst thing on the planet is when a women looks like she shoved a firecracker up a parrot’s ass, closed her eyes and accepted what happens next as her make up.   You shouldn’t have to “put on your face”.  The difference between you with and without makeup shouldn’t be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  As for jewelry?  Well, I pity the fool who fucks Mr. T’s mom. 

Men

Wow, we’ve gotten quite awesome haven’t we?  We go to the gym, we dress “fresh to death” in our screen printed t-shirts (Ed Hardy to douche, irony to hipster!), and we spend a lot of time grooming our facial hair.  (Beards?  Really?  Beards are in?  I get being lazy and just not wanting to shave, but if you’re spending an hour trimming a beard and making sure lines are straight, just cut your throat and do the world a favor.)   By the way, when did it become acceptable to not actually talk to a woman and instead use Facebook, Twitter and texting to flirt?  (See how I play my studio analyst role? That’s what I used to do and how I met my wife, now I say it’s stupid!! GO ME!)   Jesus, just grow some balls, walk up to a girl and say “hi, my name is Brown, what’s yours? Can I buy you a drink?”  What’s the worst that can happen?  She is going to stand up and say “hey everyone! this little dick loser just asked me for my name and to buy me a drink.  what a fag!” ?  I doubt it.  She says no, and you move on.  (STUDIO ANALYSIS!!!)

• Skinny jeans were made for women.  You are a man.  Don’t wear clothing made for women.
• Facial hair.  I appreciate a solid beard or mustache that says “I’m too lazy to shave and I don’t care” or “I’m a Canadian lumberjack” or “I’m comic, Kyle Kinane”.  But actively spending time in the mirror trimming your face?  Come on.
• V-Necks are for folks who don’t need an undershirt peeking out of a shirt or for sweaters. Men shouldn’t have cleavage.
• Jewelry. Just because the Situation stole shit from Madonna’s Vogue video, doesn’t mean you need to wear a Jesus piece to rival Lil Wayne. Unless you’ve got a hot new album dropping tomorrow and the studio gave you an advance to hang a diamond plated midget from your necklace, tuck that behind your shirt.   You also graduated 10 years ago.  I think you can safely put away your school ring now.

Again, I’m a studio analyst, so I have complete license to make these calls and you’re not allowed to question anything I say.  I played the game, man.  I know how it goes.  America, nay the WORLD, wants to hear my thoughts and opinions because mine matter. 

That’s great, you love God, keep it to yourself.

My goodness, Brown has a sense of humor about himself too!

I fully expect that I’m going to confuse some folks with this topic. Normally, I try and avoid religion as a subject like the plague, but I told you I’m not holding back this year, so let’s just get this out of the way now.

I’d say about 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are of the Christian faith. Some are “hardcore” Christians, some are simply aligning themselves because it’s how they grew up. These are people that range from my wife’s family to my best friends to people in grocery stores. I’ve attended church services before, both Protestant and Catholic. I’ve seen people so touched by what they perceive as God’s message they’ve been reduced to tears, and I’ve seen people out and out reject the concept of God and religion all together.

Here’s the thing, both of those reactions and everything in between are perfectly okay and legit.

This post isn’t me telling people what they can or can’t believe. This post isn’t me making fun of people that believe or admonishing those that don’t. What I’m trying to get across is, no matter what you believe, that’s what YOU believe and it’s not for anyone else to cram their thoughts in your face or for you to do that to them.

I’ve got a couple of close friends that I happen to know are deeply religious people. They attend Church, they tithe, they pray, all of the things that are asked for in their daily lives by their scripture. I respect these guys because they don’t impress on me their beliefs, they don’t evangelize, they don’t go around inserting God and Jesus into every discussion. At the same time, they have no problem standing up and defending those that do. I understand where they are coming from, I really do. People who feel the need to ram religion down your throat happen to share the same religion and what right do I have to tell them they can’t celebrate that fact?

That’s the problem. There’s a fine line between celebrating your love for your own creed, and force feeding it to everyone around you. There’s a site called stfubelievers.tumblr.com, and it’s meant to poke fun at people who insert religion into everyday items. It’s intent is to be humorous, but it does,what I feel, is a good job at highlighting the ridiculous nature of the people I’m asking to kindly shut up.

No one has a problem with you loving God. I have a problem with you feeling the need to remind me on an hourly basis about it or judge my thoughts because they’re different. Is it insecurity? Is it that you need OTHER people to justify your belief for you? You can’t repeat the same concept over and over and then get offended when someone points out your absurd obsession. If I flooded your media and conversations with messages praising the glory of english muffins, after a certain amount of time, you might start thinking “what is it with this guy and english muffins? I like english muffins, but this is ridiculous”. Look, I love english muffins, I LOVE THEM. I have one every morning. That doesn’t mean people who like bagels, or toast, or cereal or fruit or nothing at all are wrong for their breakfast choices.

The point I’m trying to make is really multi-fold. First, I’m not saying you shouldn’t believe in whatever you believe. I’m also not saying you shouldn’t be proud or happy of that fact. You should be proud and you should practice it because it’s YOUR belief. Secondly, your beliefs are something that should be personal. There’s no need for you to broadcast your personal feelings to the world, let alone on a daily basis. Third, you’re entitled to believe what you want, no matter how strongly that is. However, everyone around you is entitled to believe what they believe, and it isn’t up to you to tell them they’re wrong or they’re being judged for it. Fourth, don’t use your belief system as a shield against logic. Think about a topic all the way through prior to arguing against or for it with God or a book as your defense. Fifth, all religions, ALL OF THEM, boil down to the same message: be a good person because good things happen to good people. No religion on the planet strays from that core concept.

So, if you are a believer in Vishnu, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Ra, Yahweh or the Fonz, remember, you’re only real charter in life is to be a good person. So, be a good person and help others that are less fortunate than you with the basic things they’ll need: food, shelter, and clothing. We can all do that without pissing each other off, can’t we?

EDIT: My (Big's) response is in the comments, if anybody cares, or even remembers who i am.

Stay out of the gym, please. (I’m kidding, I’m glad you’re here)

 

Greatest porn ever?  Greatest porn ever.

You spent Saturday buying some new clothes and building a tracking chart in Excel.  2011 is gonna be your year to get in shape.

No it isn’t, fatty.

Let me tell you something, Augustus Klump, all you manage to do is piss off everyone else who is at the gym beyond the month of January.  You come in, spend 45 minutes huffing and puffing on a treadmill then manage to get crisco sweat all over the benches and machines.   That, and it’s cold outside and your rascal parked up front makes me park further away. 

All I’m asking is that you follow through.  If you’re going to make everyone suffer the indignity of seeing your tubby ass fly all over a treadmill, then by god, make me suffer for the long haul until it’s all gone.  Don’t be the “resolutioner”.  Don’t buy a P90x dvd and think you’re Brooklyn Decker after 1 week. I’ve literally seen gigantic, Wade Phillips-esque tubs of goo slowly whittle themselves down to a better shape over a year.  And you know what? THAT is an inspiration for everyone.  I actually let these people know that they’ve done a kick ass job and they help keep my faith in humanity alive. 

By the way, here’s the ultimate secret for getting in shape:  FIX YOUR FUCKING DIET.  You can go to the gym every day, but if after the gym you’re eating an entire pizza and drinking a 6 pack, you’ve done nothing.  Whereas if you just fixed your diet, then going to the gym would produce results.  I promise you, you don’t need a DVD, you don’t need a supplement.  Eat a fucking apple.

So, for the guys, there’s nothing wrong with sleeves and taking it slowly.  You and I both know that you and I aren’t the Situation.  I promise you, no one gives a flying shit about what you’re doing, so lift smaller amounts of weight.  There’s no need to try and bench what you benched in high school when you’re pushing 35.  You aren’t Brock Lesnar, so stop dressing and shadow boxing like you’re going to be on the Ultimate Fighter. 

For the ladies, cover it up, and not with form fitting clothing.  You have big tits because your fat, not because they’re nice.  No one wants to see them or that mass of flesh you call an ass.  Doing a week’s worth of Yoga, buying a Zumba DVD and going tanning doesn’t make you hot, that makes you Snookie without the hair.  Earn the right to wear those clothes you think you can wear now. 

If you want to get in shape, I commend and support you, I really do. I just want all of you to commit, god damn it.  Become a regular at the gym instead of being that person we all know no one will see until next January.   If not, then just embrace your size, buy a Vespa and let me call you gravy tits.