So...why aren't we posting anything "good"?

I'll let you in on a secret: we're both busy.

That being said, our dear, sweet, sexy readers, expect a deluge of posts in the coming weeks.

Big's gone into his "football fortress of solitude". He is compiling reports of pro training camps, college media days and high school two-a-days. He's about to go football all over your asses.

Also, this blogosphere is about to be introduced to a new character: "Olympic Big". Just you wait.

As for me? Once I'm back in town, I'm gonna break down the NBA vs. the Euroleagues, I guess. I don't really know. Maybe cut and paste Ranger trade scenarios from Uwe Blog (or just link him up...read the blog roll on the right.)

Just you sit tight. The sports flash is about to hit. Until then, you just have to make do with give up posts.



Here's an example, I'll take a crack at Big's bit and translate the lyrics to a popular song.

Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl"

Translated lyrics: I'm a lesbian who's going to pretend to be straight so dumb shits like Bear and Brown will keep buying drinks.

See? That's not that hard.

I don't understand the science of this...

(You try coming up with a proper Google image search for this story when you're at work.)

Hat tip: Unprofessional Foul via With Leather

I like soccer. I'm a fan of soccer. I watch it on television and I play in a local league. That being said, I'm going to have to make a call to the bull pen and ask the specialist, Chillumsworth (second mention today, way to go buddy!), to help me understand this story.

As part of their pre-match kitting up, some Cape Town soccer players are slipping on condoms on their feet, so that their socks can stay up longer during matches.

So, do they actually roll magnums on to their feet? Isn't the biggest problem to sock rolling off the shin/calf area? I use athletic tape pretty liberally, and if I compare the costs, a pack of six rolls of athletic tape is cheaper than a box of condoms. (Before you make the joke, yes, I have purchased a box of condoms before. It was 1998, and I'm still trying to finish the same box, but I've bought a box.) Are these condoms lubricated? I'd imagine that would increase slippage and not help keep things on.

If that's not confusing enough, doesn't South Africa have one of the worst AIDS epidemics in the world? In fact, isn't that one of the fears for the World Cup in 2010 regarding players and prostitutes?

That would explain it, though. Free condoms to prevent AIDS? Nah, we're good, but we sure can use something to hold our socks on.

Nelson Mandela does not approve.

Your good morning stuff

Sir Arther sent us a good video of a few things. They are funny, and with the countdown to Training camp only a day away, I'll take all the help I can get for posts.

Yes, I'm that lazy.

First, your weather for the next 6 weeks.



And now, one (of many I'm sure) kid, 5 years old, that can kick my ass.



Was that Redman training him?

What the hell is this?

If you have been watching ESPN, or had it on, then you've seen commercials for the X Games with this dude above, "Darkmane". Usually he says something like "I hate Brian Deegan" or "I hate the X Games."

Two questions:
1) ESPN is never going to go back to sports, is it?
2) Who the fuck watches the X Games anymore?

Shifts in the NFC East and Oklahoma City got an Arena League Team!

Jason Taylor becomes a Redskin
This broke when both of the Redskin defensive ends tore up their knees and ankles and Dan Snyder found an older free agent to sign up to play. Does this improve the Redskins? Yes...though they're still pretty thin, and Phil Daniels was good DE anyway. Parcells gets rid of a guy he didn't like. Taylor gets to work for a guy who knows Tom Cruise, so he can get in to the Hollywood scene much quicker.

Jeremy Shockey goes to the Saints
Okay, so right now this is just "sources", but they're Jay Glazer's sources, so I'll believe it. Shockey in New Orleans is an upgrade for them. Shockey out of New York is an upgrade for them. What happens when Shockey realizes he's not the main celebrity on the team? It's Reggie Bush and his big ass girlfriend...right?

Oh yeah, did you see that Oklahoma City apparently got an Arena League football team? Wait, you mean the Thunder is the name of the basketball team? Really? Is that a play on words because they used to be the Sonics? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm supposed to believe that because the buy rate on a brand new team (that's shitty, by the way) is high that this means success? Ask the city of Vancouver how much they loved the Grizzlies to start and why they're in Memphis now. Exactly how much of a market does the "Thunder" command? Let's see...

North Texas? Nope, that's the Mavericks
North East Texas/Arkansas? Nope, that's the Mavericks and Hornets
West Texas/New Mexico? Nope, that's the Suns, Mavericks, Rockets and Spurs
Kansas/Colorado? Nope, that's Nugget territory
Missouri? No, that's Bulls, Pacer and Grizzly territory

So exactly what market is going to support the Thunder? Everyone likes their new toy when they get it, and then they forget about it. This is going to fail miserably, and I hope Clay Bennett realizes the black eye he's given to the NBA.

Couldn't agree more

A friend of ours, and lead political guy, Nayfa sent me this this morning. I really don't think I could agree more.

Does anyone really care if Danica Patrick got into an argument with some shitty driver from Venezuela? Can we please stop seeing crap like this latest spat unless there are titties flying out? At least let there be hair pulling or something.

I’m not trying to be an asshole here but she’s a race car driver. Nobody gives a shit about her sport, specifically IRL. So here it is, no more Danica Patrick unless she’s naked or blowing me or something.

-Deranged in Thailand.


In case you didn't watch Sportscenter this morning, where they make this sound like Ali/Frasier, here's the video.



Fucking Skanks

Monday Morning MMA

So while you were out at the lake this weekend, sipping on some cold miller chills, in your new speed boat that's tied to a party barge, and trying ohh so hard not to get your perfectly spiked fohawk wet, there was some pretty good sports going down.

(why do I think all our readers are douchebags?)

I'm going to start with a little post about MMA. On a list of sports that I watch it falls somewhere behind Wrestling and Basketball, but just right in front of Baseball and Golf. That's why this is site is so great, Brown digs the slow, sports, I watch the good ones!

This weekend had 2 big MMA shows, one on PPV, and one was free.

Guess which one I watched?

(hint: PBR, while not as tasty as Miller Lite, you will often find me with a can of it at a bar)

The PPV was put on by a new MMA promoter, and suppler of douchebag appeal across the country, Affliction. Affliction is one of the many MMA joints trying to take a shot at UFC, the undisputed MMA champ right now. Every other promoter has a "gimmick" that they think will help them close the gap between them and the UFC, whether its giving young guys who fight really really hard TV time(WEC), or employing a body guard from a porn site (Elite XC and Kimbo), and this one is no different. Affliction tryed to take the best of both worlds form their fellow upstarts and signed a fighter who many believe to be the best Heavyweight in the world, Fedor Emelianenko.

Fedor is muay thai bad ass who doesn't just kick ass, he really does just beat bitches up. The rest of the card from what I've read was good, but the only reason to buy this fight was to see Fedor. He fought a former UFC Heavy hitter in Tim Silvia, and he did what Fedor does, he beat his ass.



I really don't know how good this guy is, but from what people that know mma, he's the shit. Problem is there isn't a heavyweight that's on his leval that he can fight, unless your name is Randy Coulter, and UFC won't release him(for good reason) and let him fight Fedor in Affliction.

The other fight this weekend was a free show put on the big boys over at UFC on Spike TV, and the headline fight was Anderson "The Spider" Silva vs. James "The N Hateing Dolphin" Irvin. Silva is regarded as the best pound for pound fighter in MMA right now, and he usually fights at 185, where he's the champ, but he bulked up to 205(light heavyweight), to take on Irvin. While I couldn't embed this video on this site, go over to MMA Linker to watch the fight. It only lasts about a min as Silva catches a kick from Irvin with one hand, and punches his face in with the other. Pretty effin bad ass. Go watch the fight, you wont be disappointed. I don't know where Silva will go next, he said in a interview after the fight that his first duty is to defend his middle weight belt at 185, but if the better fights are at 205, then this won't be the last time you see him as a light heavy. Side note, that would be effing awesome if he stayed at 205. I would pay mucho money to see Silva vs. Griffen, or Silva vs. Lidell.

The whole reason UFC put the fight on cable in stead of PPV was to try and bury Affliction's first PPV ever, by giving the fans just a big a star fighting on free tv instead of pay tv. Don't know if it worked, but I sure as shit watched the Spider over Fedor.

Good MMA Weekend.

Come on, you know you want to.

The mav's have finally made some noise in the off season. They have offered the sad Sack Kings Stack, and Bass for Ron-Ron.

The info that I've found has said the Kings want more, specifically Josh Howard and Bass.

Now if the first one of just Stack and Bass for Ron Artest, I would do that one in a moment. Give me the starting lineup of Kidd, Artest, Howard, Dirk, and Damp, with JET and Diop coming off the bench? Fuck and Yes.

Now if they have to have Howard for Artest, the lineup of Kidd, Artest, Dirk, Damp and who? JET? Jones? George? not quite as scary.

I would probably still do it, and see if I can get a first round pick left as well, that might make me go all in.

Break Down, Artest - Bass, Stack - Yes

Artest - Bass, Howard - No

Artest+number 1 - Bass, Howard, Stack - Reluctant, but yes.

I am not scared to let you all know i'm a Ron Ron guy. I think him pluss kidd and dirk are a pretty good 3 some. Come on Mav's........DO IT.........

Count the Douchebag-ism

Here is a email from a friend of TB&TB. See if you can count and list all of the Douche bag-ism in it.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to feed my iguana before I run to the gym
for my legs day so I can work on my quads and listen to Randy Travis’ album
(which is totally sick, by the way) that just dropped on my iPod via my
DJ-sized, noise-canceling headphones and then help Susie out with her form
during her squats, followed by my Starbucks fix whilst I talk to Gruber on my
Bluetooth earpiece and wave on the guy on my right who clearly stopped after I
did. Then I need to stop at the ATM and pick up some coin for GNO at OTB
where I’ll order some pollo flautas, after which I’ll have to hurry up to Andy’s on the Square to show off my new going-out shirt, get my hand stamped and see
the opening band. It’s gonna be a fun night!

Cheers!

Here, I'll start with my fav. "pick up some coin" only douche bags say coin.

Also it would have been even nicer if he used the phrase "toothin" when talking about his blue tooth.

(it was J-Bizzle)

(don't act like your not surprised)

(he was totally kidding when he wrote it, he's not that much of a d-bag)

(or is he......?)

Maybe this will restore your faith in baseball

Hat tip: With Leather

Too often we look at the professional athlete and think, "man these guys are a bunch of spoiled, agent-fueled, media-scared robots that care only for money and don't have fun."

At least I find myself thinking that at times when I can damn near quote interview answers before they are given.

Then I read a story like this and I remember that these guys are really just a bunch of dudes who play a sport for a living, and they have fun doing it.

That's right. The stoic, Ranger-killing outfielder, Ichiro, is actually the Japanese Dave Chapelle.

“I know how important it is to the game,” Ichiro said. “I’m more concentrated at that moment than I am in the game.”

A wide grin spread across his face. Ichiro’s secret had been exposed, so, hey, why not have fun with it?

He crafts his public portrayal similar to the image he projects on the field: a technician, a warrior, a Ph.D. in stoicism. In reality, Ichiro’s All-Star teammates love him for his wicked sense of humor and sly deceit, shown with a vocabulary far more expansive than he leads on.

...

“If you’ve never seen it, it’s definitely something pretty funny,” Morneau said. “It’s hard to explain, the effect it has on everyone. It’s such a tense environment. Everyone’s a little nervous for the game, and then he comes out. He doesn’t say a whole lot the whole time he’s in there, and all of a sudden, the manager gets done with his speech, and he pops off.”

No Tiger doesn't mean no open

I know, with Tiger Woods out due to knee herpes, the world has seemingly turned its collective back on golf.

Not me.

This weekend marks the British Open, and, you guessed it, there's no stories and no buzz surrounding it. Most of the Americans not named Eldrick tend to suck in Scotland. Remember, links courses aren't like the U.S. Open...they don't trick shit up on purpose, they let the elements do that for them. Howling winds and sand traps that are more like craters...usually some rain for good measure.

If you want the tournament to be interesting, you'd better hope the rain picks up and the wind is tornadic, otherwise it's just going to be drive the green and putt putt putt.

My pick to win: Geoff Ogilvy. Tremendous ball striker who's fairly good at everything else.

Lets make this happen

Browns right. He's a man beast. Best thing to happen to Rangers Baseball in a long time. He already has a big fan base that will only get bigger after last night. All big time fan bases need a cool name to call themselves. He is no different.

So with that....



I am now a HamelTOE.

Lets make this name stick. For all us HamelTOEs out there.

Number 2 in the Derby, Number 1 in Your Heart

I think I speak for most Texas Rangers fans when I say...

Holy. Jesus. Santa. Baby. God.

On this, the slowest sports day of the year...

...we turn to YouTube.

Courtesy of your friends, Ben and Skin, via their Boogie Spot Blog.

The Jedi Gym

"Don't act!"

Does my umbrella protect me from fire in the sky?

Hat tip: Tirico Suave

In relation to Big's post earlier today, I'm going to have to say that I think the world might just be ending.

Stephen A. Smith has made a salient point...and I agree.

God's on an All-Star Break as well, because I'll be damned if this shit isn't supposed to happen. Next think you know, Skip Bayless might start hanging out with Hip Hop stars.

SON OF A BITCH!

Please don't jinx the Rangers because of this

Okay, so it's a well known fact around these parts that I have an irrational fear of the "jinx factor". Seriously, I know everything there is to know about Texas Longhorn sports, but if you ask me I won't say a word because I'm afraid of jinxing my team.

That's why you didn't see many Mavs posts from me during the stretch run that counted. That's why you haven't seen any Rangers posts from me so far. The Rangers are doing well, and I don't want to ruin that.

With that in mind, it's the All-Star Break, so I thought maybe I could slip a post in and the Sports Gods wouldn't notice...

---

How your Texas Rangers match up with the cast of "Major League"

=

Jake Taylor = Milton Bradley

Jake Taylor's the beaten up, old, cast off catcher that the league has forgotten. He's still got the ability to play, but he's got a bad repuation now (his for injuries) and no one in the league's giving him a chance. He gets his chance and leads the team and is a great teammate.

Milton Bradley's an MLB cast off that the league has forgotten as well. He's got a bad reputation (him for being crazy), but he's not been given a chance by anyone. Since getting his chance, Bradley's been a leader on the team and is kicking tail.

=
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn = C.J. Wilson

Both are pitchers. Both depend on a fastball that just flies and doesn't really move. Both are better known for being "that guy you'd sure like to party with". Both have control issues. I think this was a no-brainer.

=
Roger Dorn = Michael Young

The "All Star" on the team who seems like he might be more interested in how his future financial prospects are going as opposed to playing. When on the field, has the tendency to "ole" balls at short. When actually fired up to play, not gonna find one better. By the way, this is Dorn from the first movie, not the bumbling idiot from the second. (I refuse to admit the third one happened, regardless of Bakula.)

=
Rachel Phelps = Tom Hicks

I'd say this one explains itself...I just hope the Rangers aren't using a nude picture of Tom Hicks and are removing pieces of clothing after a win.

=
Lou Brown = Ron Washington

They're both managers. They kind of sound alike. I'm pretty sure Ron Washington could be found selling tires just as easily as managing a baseball team.

=
Willie Mays Hayes = Ian Kinsler

Speedy lead off hitters. Look like they play just because they enjoy playing the game. High range factors. I'm talking about Wesley Snipes and not "Black Thunder" Mike Tomlin.

=
Charlie Donovan = Nolan Ryan

Doesn't really have a lot of power in the front office. Really just there so fans can see an old player. Likes to hang out and reminisce with the guys.

=
Eddie Harris = Kevin Millwood

Kevin Millwood isn't exactly old, but with the way he's been pitching lately this seemed like a fair comparison. First of all, he seems like a guy who would utter the phrase "you tellin' me Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?" Second, he seems like a guy who's hiding Vagisil, Ben-Gay, Vaseline and pepper juice all over his body.

=
Pedro Cerrano = "Max Damage" Josh Hamilton

"If joo lookin fo da leetle home runh hittah..." All Power. All Bad Ass. Probably sacrifices chickens in the club house to a) divert his cocaine hunger and b) get more power.

=
Harry Doyle = Josh Lewin

Yes, Josh Lewin is on television. No, Josh Llewyn does not have the voice of Bob Uecker. However, the enthusiasm that Lewin has on the smallest thing that happens in a game, just seems like a great comparison. However, if I had to guess, I'd say that TAG is the one getting drunk in the booth.

Well, it needs to be done.

Ugh.

Look, very few things beat me down with sports talk and coverage worse than the off season drama that places like the WWL or SportsIllistrated or even Fox Sports shove down our throats during the off season of sports. Whether it be the mindless and seemingly endless talk of Barry Bonds and his Horse Drugs, or whether or not there should be a college football post season tourney, it always seems to me that every year something gets just grabbed hold of and the people that "report" sports do nothing but beat us down with it.

This year, as the same as last year, and the year before that, we have been over saturated with a country bumpkin named Brett Favre. If you haven't heard about his whole ordeal yet, your probably living under a rock. The story is interesting only slightly to me, and since the whole effing world is talking about it, I'm going to give you my two cents, just this once, and won't talk about it again till training camp starts.

All right here goes my take.

Favre is the "christian good girl" that you pick up at a bar. She's a little drunk and wants some sex, but hey, she's a good girl and she is going to make you work for it. She wants you to buy her drinks, and her friends drinks and sit with her, and hold her hand, and tell her how pretty she is. You think "man this sucks, but this girl is so fine, I'll put with this crap just to get her home, I know she'll be just banging in the sack." You get her home, and despite her always saying "I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl" she is banging in the sack.

Next time at the bar you see her again. She wants you to do the same thing again, buy the drinks, hold the hand, sit with her, pamper her, then you get her home and its good, but not nearly as good as last time.

A few night later you see this other chick at the bar, and she is fine, but not a dime piece, like the good girl. She is a little frumpy and her hair is kinda crazy, but she has potential. You talk to her and you find out she is one cool ass chick. You start putting the moves on her and getting her set up so you can take her home tonight, but then in walks the good girl. Instantly she starts making you buy her drinks, and wants to hold your hand, you keep looking over the frumpy girl, but you can't do any thing because you know if the good girl goes home with anybody else you'll feel like a punk. You do all the things the good girls wants you to do, but you start thinking if the booty is really that good?

A few nights later the good girl says she's done with you and that she doesn't need you around her anymore. Part of you is sad, because you know that girl was the shit, for all her faults, you know that for the rest of your life you may never have a better piece of ass, and for a brief moment you were the king of the world. But now, the bar scene is a little different, but kind of exciting again. Then the frumpy girl walks in, and you remember how much potential you saw in her, and behind her is young chick, who has all the right assets to become another dime piece, but isn't there yet.

You start talking to these two laddies, getting ready to take the frumpy girl home for a shot in the dark to see what she is really made of, and you laid the ground work with the young chick incase frumpy doesn't work out you could give her a shot.

All of the sudden in walks the good girl again. And she wants to hold hands, and be a couple "one last time."

So what do you do?

Do you go with the girl who made you famous and will probably be the best POA that you will ever get in your life? The one that took you to the top of the mountain in everybody eyes, and when your with her, people love you, and say "look there that super couple, I love them."

Or do you go with the frumpy girl and young chick? Frumpy already said if you go home with good girl, you can forget about every getting with me.

What do you do?

What
do
you
do
?

(Credits=
You - Green Bay Packers
Good Girl - Bret Favre
Frumpy Girl - Aaron Rodgers
Young Chick - Brain Bhrom)

Quick note to all P1's out there...

For any Ticket listener who has any ongoing intrigue or interest in the story of Greg "the Hammer" Williams and his departure from the station, take a look at Richie Witt's article in the Dallas Observer.

Story Link

Holy shit, 1987 was more than 20 years ago.

It doesn't dawn on you how long ago it was until you flip on ESPN Classic and see something from that year.

That being said, I was flipping channels last night and came across ESPN Classic's presentation of some old AWA Championship Wrestling. The two guys wrestling? Curt Hennig and Scott Hall.

You all might remember these guys as "Mr. Perfect" (Hennig) and "Razor Ramon" (Hall) in the WWF boom of the late 1980's and early 1990's.

Curt Hennig has probably looked the same since he was born, so he wasn't that hard to recognize. The only difference was that he was much much smaller, so he obviously hadn't hit the juice (the guy died from steroids a few years ago.)

What blew my mind was Scott Hall. First of all, they billed him as "Big Scott Hall"...very original Verne Gagne, very original. Anyway, because I always remember Hall partnering with Nash or going against the 1-2-3 Kid or Shawn Michaels, it never really dawned on me that he's actualy 6'7"...not only that, but he hadn't become a raging alcoholic yet.

I thought I was watching Rick Rood and not Scott Hall.

Here's what these guys looked like in their WWE glory days (as you rememeber them)...

Hall (left) and Hennig (right) in their glory days

And here's how they looked on that AWA show...

Ambiguously Gay Duo

This post probably doesn't mean anything to anyone that isn't me, Brown or Blogador, but I damn sure thought it was interesting. Then again, I guess if you took a picture of me in 1987 and a picture of me now, I'd look pretty effing different too...

I think I've seen this movie before

So...if you're Aaron Rodgers, how do you feel right now?

• You've been annointed the starting quarterback for the city's and fans' beloved football team.
• The front office supports you, but everyone else really really wants the other guy to come back.
  
• The other guy is saying, "boy, I bet I could still come back and wouldn't mind doing so."
  
• Your teammates are okay with you, but if you really asked them, they want the old guy back.
  
• You've shown flashes of brilliance, but they've always been overshadowed by an injury or the memory of the other guy's heroics.
  
• People are waiting for the guy that just got brought in behind you (Brohm).

Sound familiar?

Aaron Rodgers is the Chris Simms of the Green Bay Packers.

Take it from me, someone who was at Texas during the whole debacle. Aaron Rodgers, step away now. Demand a trade to Carolina, Tampa, Chicago, or Minnesota.

To this day, I hate Chris Simms. Did he really do anything to deserve it (short of sucking)? No. If anything, my ire should be directed towards Mack for promoting Simms over Applewhite. But no, I blame Chris Simms.

That's my point. Green Bay will NEVER, EVER accept Aaron Rodgers. They'll forgive Thompson and McCarthy if they can turn around with Brohm and win something, but Rodgers will forever be "that guy" to them.

Ask Brian Griese how Denver was. Ask Jay Feely how Miami was. Ask Q-Car has Dallas was. Take all three and multiply it by 1000 for Green Bay.

The whole situation is just set up for Rodgers to fail, and he'll be billed as a failure faster than Joey Harrington. Walk away now, and let Green Bay enjoy the guy they really want at quarterback.


I guess if nothing else, Rodgers can be sacked in the end zone very athletically and the guy who sacked him will be thought of as the greatest safety ever even though he really sucks. Then, some team will keep on giving him money even though everyone realizes just how shitty he is, and then that guy will try and revert back to his old number with the hopes that maybe people will think he's still relevant...right Roy Williams?