GMV - Funny Friday

In the spirit of Oldie but Goody's, I was talking with a friend of mine this week, and we were remembering the greatness that is Dave Chappelle. So here is some good old Dave.

Chickens


Seaseme Street


Hey Baby?


And Who can do a Dave bit without "Piss on you"

Nude Music Friday - Slobberbone

Still no Internet at work, but have no fear, I'm working from the house tonight just for you sweet sexy readers. What better way to rock a Friday than with a little nude music? So lets kick off those crusty panties and go streakin!



Today's band is an oldie but a goody. Allow me to introduce to you all the greatness that is Slobberbone.

If your a fan of singer songwriter country/rock infusion like I am (i really think i just made up that genre), than you already know about Brent Best and the boys of Slobberbone. Some of you may know Best from his more recent band, the Drams, but his best stuff was with the bone.

"There are no extraneous bells and whistles here, just dead-on observations from the dark side of the human condition sung with the conviction of someone who’s lived it; guitars that push, pull, snarl and wail with desperate and joyful abandon, and underneath it all, the warmth and soul of a natural born rock band living and dying for every note. "

This band has the best of many worlds. They can rock out, yet the music is very catchy, and best of all the words that Best writes are the opposite of bubblegum. It seams almost as if every word and every note fell into place perfectly, unlike the overly produced, auto corrected, pro tools loving bands that we see all too often.

In the song Lumberlung, Brent describes a scene where a woman loves a man who is a drunk, and he knows she wants to leave him, but wont because of her love. He peppers in lines like "Breath of Whiskey on my cotton shirt, turn on a fan, take off your skirt, lay here beside me on these sheets so stained, for a little, but it aint the same," and "She stays her in this house with me, when i know she would rather leave, she stays here constantly."

The band behind the lyrics are equally fitting. They complement each other as well as any band could.

I bring you this older band because they are playing some "reunion" shows this weekend. One in Denton on Friday night at Dans Silver Leaf, which I will be going to, and on Saturday night at the Barley house in Dallas.

If you like rock and or roll, great lyrics, and drinking Beer with some of the coolest guys you could ever meet, go check em out this weekend.

Ohh, and to prove that they aren't all soppy and heavy, here is one of their more fun songs. Its called Gimme Back my Dog.

File this in "stuff I couldn't make up"

Big, posing with his Batleth

Here I am, perusing CNN.com and I see the headline, Klingon Sword Used During Crime.

Needless to say, you have my attention.

Colorado Springs police are looking for a man who hit two 7-Eleven convenience stores early Wednesday, armed with a Klingon sword.The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans and wearing a black mask, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from the Star Trek TV series.

The robber demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount.A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N. Union Blvd., where a man matching the previous description entered the store with a similar weapon.

He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk refused and the robber ran off.

Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon type sword, called a "Batleth."

Neither clerk was injured in the robberies.

Oh my goodness. That story is awesome in so many ways.

-A man owns a Klingon sword.
-A man chooses to rob store with said store. (I imagine a scene similar to "Pulp Fiction" when Bruce Willis is deciding among weapons)
-He demands money, the clerk says "no", so the guy just runs away.
-The clerks are able to recognize and identify not only the fact that the sword if from Star Trek, but the name of the sword type.

GMV - SNL

Still no Internet at work. Kicking me squarely in the testies.

Your GMV this fine hump day, is the best sketch of last Saturday's SNL.

Billy "The Gun" Van Goff. One hell of a QB.

It's a sign from God...no one likes Oklahoma City

I've been against Oklahoma from day one. I was horrified regarding the absolute robbery of the Sonics from Seattle and the move to Oklahoma City. I was tickled pink to see a man at the DFW Airport wearing a Thunder jersey. I feel bad that Kevin Durant is stuck in the ass hole of America.

God agrees with me because he has decided to try and kill anyone who dares perform at halftime.

Kristen Johnson is a professional escape artist whose specialty is getting out of handcuffs and leg irons while being fully submerged in a tube of water. Since that one trick is more thrilling than anything the Thunder have done on a basketball court this season, they booked her for the January 16th game against Detroit.

It was a great idea ... right up until the point where Kristen went into hypoxic seizure—that what's happens when your brain runs out of oxygen—in front of 17,000 NBA fans. It look her a bit longer than usual to get out of the chains, so her temporarily lifeless body had to be pulled from the tank before she drowned in front horrified onlookers.

Take heed, Oklahoma. God does not approve of your state, Clay Bennett, or magicians.



Side note: Football is done, and now you're wanting to focus on basketball. Fear not, sexy reader, I am putting together a long post to bring you up to speed on the season and your Dallas Mavericks.

TB&TB Movie Review, Paul Blart.

So as we all know, Movie watching is a sport. Brown has done his bit on the Wrestler, Gran Tarino, and Slum dog, and then Uni challenged my man hood in movie reviews, so its my turn. The last movie I saw in theatre was this last week, when during the ICE blast of 09, Brown, Bear, Badlander and me went to go check out Paul Blart: Mall Cop.



It was funny.








What, its about a Fat wanna be cop, who is a security guard at a mall taken over by extreme (and by extreme i mean skateboards, BMX bikes, and Extreme walking) robbers. Not much to break down. It was funny, not the best, but funny.


Go fuck yourself Uni, i don't have to prove myself.

A sad day,

So i found out the other day that one of my favorite sites is closing its doors. (Its becoming a trend isn't it Gerry?). It truly is a sad day that soon, T-Shirt Hell is going under.

Sarcastic mother fuckers everywhere, especially brown and I, are sad to see you go sir.

I mean they had shirts for everybody.

Me

Brown

Chicks

Jews

Cathloics

The Troops

Friends of Carl Badlander

And everybody else.

GMV: Brown's Mickey's fueled nightmare

My Mickey's Malt Liquor fueled nightmare: Dance Floor Dale

I wouldn't watch this at work if I were you. There's no explicit nudity, but good god almighty it's hardcore and terrible.

Seriously, don't watch this at work. You'll get fired.

H/T: FilmDrunk

The Quickest Super Bowl Post Evahr

The new breakfast of champions!

There's more than enough Super Bowl recaps that you can read today. So, I'm going to just quick hit some highlights from the game and the watching fiesta that I was at.

-The Brown vs. a six pack of Mickey's Malt Liquor challenge was won by yours truly. I had a drunk I've never had before, and I feel just capital this morning.

-One of our favorite commenters, J-Bizzle, must have caught and slaughtered a feral pig because the ribs that were made were gigantic and awesome. Fantastic job with the party, Bizzle. Fantastico.

-My favorite commercial was probably the Doritos crystal ball.

-I'm really not a fan of "bit" commercials that are trying really really hard to become viral. GoDaddy.com, Jack-in-the-Box...you're on notice. Side note: is it time to re-visit the "Is Danica Patrick hot or not debate?

-I called the "G.I. Joe" trailer in 2 seconds flat. Mickey's Malt Liquor, making your senses more attuned in 1975.

-Springsteen was great, to no one's surprise. The crotch slide into the camera? Eh, not so much.

-Ben Roethlisberger has 2 Super Bowls. Eli Manning has 1 Super Bowl. Larry Fitzgerald elevated himself to best receiver in the game status. Philip Rivers has established himself as a legitimate franchise quarterback. Sean Taylor is dead. That's just a few. The 2005 first round draft picks are pretty impressive. As for the Cowboys, that was the year they bypassed Steven Jackson and traded down for Julius Jones. Also picked by Dallas: Jacob Rogers, Steven Peterman, Bruce Thornton, Sean Ryan, Nathan Jones, Patrick Crayton, and Jaqcues Reeves.

-I did not think Arizona was going to win that game. Somehow leaving Large Benjamin 3 minutes and 2 timeouts was going to be enough for the winning drive. Turns out, I was right. Mickey's Malt Liquor, improving your prediction abilities since 1975.

TB&TB Movie Review: Slumdog Millionaire

As promised, here's my final movie review ("The Wrestler", "Gran Torino") until I see another movie that makes me leave the theater actually thinking "wow, that was a good movie." (I have to include that because I saw, "Paul Bart: Mall Cop" the other day. Entertaining? Yes. Good movie? No.) For your consideration, "Slumdog Millionaire".

Now, whenever a movie gets raves review by everyone and their grandmother, I usually roll my eyes and refuse to believe the hype. Nothing ever lives up to the hype, and I usually have to piss all over the flames anyway. Multiply that by about a thousand because this movie has to deal with my people and that meant that all the reviews that I got are that much more over hyped. It had gotten to the point where I didn't even want to see it.

I decided I'd hide my reason for seeing the movie and see it on a date. That's right, folks. I went on a date. With a girl. That wasn't setup by someone else, or a lost bet on her part.

Anyway, believe the hype because this movie lived up to it.

Maybe it is the India homerism on my part, but I loved every second of the movie. Normally, I hate love stories, and that's all it really is. Yes, there are more than a few plot holes and the love story is Bollywood levels of corny. But, I think the way the story is told is something that I've never really seen before.

The basic story is a poor kid from the slums (get it?) of Mumbai gets on the Indian version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" He is able to answer questions that no one else has been able to answer, so the show thinks he's cheating. Because of that, he's taken into "custody" by the police and is questioned. They sit and watch the tape of the show, and each question he answers has a back story that deals with some aspect of his life.

And that's the cool part of it. The story of this kid's life (and his love interest, and the slums of Bombay, etc.) are all told within the context of him knowing the answers to questions on a quiz show. That's it. In a nutshell, that's the movie.

If you can't understand English with the Indian accent or Hindi (the subtitles are not correct all the time), then you might get lost because the movie is very fast paced and cuts back and forth in time without telling you. For this reason, people might just give up and say the movie sucks. However, if you take the time to pay attention to what's happening and how the story is playing off itself, then you'll really enjoy the movie for what it is, and find out that it's able to stand on its own without the hype behind it.

I believe this is going to be a lot like "No Country for Old Men". People who saw it before the awards season are going to love it, and the people who see it afterward are going to be so beaten down by it, that they'll like it, but not give it full credit. I recommend seeing it for what it is, and not for the award hype machine it's become.

GMV - Funny Friday

SO, for a reason that I will explain when I can, the Internet at my work, where I do 99% of my blogging, has been out the last few days, and still is. No Internet at work, means no good posts from me, your portly blogger pal. And since I've been rocking the GMV's, I'm sorry to all you peeps who have missed them, (if there are any at all). Its Friday, so I'm going to make up for it with a little Demetri Martin. Funny Funny Fun Bags.

GMV: The Build-Up Begins

As Big mentioned, Mickey Rourke is planning on being at Wrestlemania, going so far as to call out Chris Jericho.

Larry King, I give you the floor...

The Rules of the Super Bowl (Long Ranting Post Alert)

Don't serve with this shit

I love watching football. Doesn't matter the game, doesn't matter the level, I just like watching football. I'll watch a movie about football just because it has football in it (and because it's guaranteed to be great.) That being said, the experience of watching the Super Bowl has deteriorated into an unwatchable morass of shit.

Let me essplain. When I was a kid all the way through high school, maybe, I had the same routine for the Super Bowl. ESPN had only two channels: ESPN and ESPN2 What did they run out on ESPN2 all Saturday before the game? They had the NFL Films re-caps of every single Super Bowl right up until the current one. That was 24 hours of John Facenda getting me pumped for the game with the greatest voice ever. If he was alive, I'd pay to have him read me bedtime stories and throw-in the phrase "Doomsday Defense".

Then, 3 hours before the game, they clicked over to the "NFL Gameday." Remember, this was before they had 5 guys on set. This was just Chris Berman and Tom Jackson. At their prime, those guys were the best in the game, period. No bull shit. No Emmit Smiff. No Keyshawn. Just two guys talking football the same way you and your buddies did. That led up to the game.

You watched the game in a room full of people who were interested in the game. Those who weren't were not there anyway, so it didn't matter. The game was the spectacle, not commercials, not halftime, not the coin flip. The game. It was you, your buddies, John Madden, Pat Summerall and the Super Bowl.

Now? Uhh, not so much, buddy.

Now we have 2 straight weeks of coverage. 2 weeks, end to end, 24 hours a day, all day. You have more personalities than you care for, and more than 75% of them have nothing to do with sports. It's people like "Access Hollwood" and "Ross the Intern" from Leno. ESPN really does have like 8 channels now, and no they can't show the NFL Films stuff anymore because that's on the NFL Network. The NFL Network can't break for 24 hours to show that though because Steve Mariucci, Marshall Faulk and Deion Sanders HAVE TO TELL YOU their thoughts at least twice an hour.

The pre-game show? Are you shitting me? I saw this story today. That's right, NBC is now going to have 11 people during the pre-game show. ELEVEN PEOPLE: Bob Costas, Chris Collinsworth, Keith Olbermann, Dan Patrick, Jerome Bettis, Tiki Barber, Peter King, Tony Dungy, Mike Holmgren, Matt Millen and Rodney Harrison. What. The. Hell? This is going to be the most confusing and convoluted sack of shit I've ever seen.

You finally get to the game, and you're lucky if you can find a seat at a party to watch it. Why's that? Because now the Super Bowl isn't the game, it's a god damned social event. There are more people sitting around gossiping about stupid shit and talking about who's pregnant and who's not, and no one pays attention to the game. Not the game, no, they'll stop down for fucking commercials, but resume talking during the game.

So, please, follow these 10 simple rules and be courteous to game watchers everwhere:

1. If you aren't a football fan, do not go to a Super Bowl party. Watch commercials in your own home and don't try and talk about something else.
2. If you aren't interested in the game, do not go to a Super Bowl party. See above bullet.
3. If you're married and your significant other either doesn't like fooball or can't stand to be 4 hours without you, do not go to a Super Bowl party. You got married to the anti-social bitch, not me. Leave her at home and ask for a hall pass for the night.
   
4. If you're hosting a party, mind your guest list. If you know you're inviting people that have no interest in the game, don't invite them. Trust me, those of us coming to watch the game aren't judging your popularity by your guest list. We just want to eat, drink and watch football.
5. Starting football-related debates are perfectly allowed and within the rights of the game.
6. Starting prop bets and squares are perfectly allowed and within the rights of the game.
   
7. Don't complain about not playing squares because "you only have 20's" Guess what, bitch, you just bought 20 squares.
8. Never come to the party empty handed. A six pack or a bag of chips is the minimum.
   
9. We all have to work on Monday. It's not an excuse. Keep drinking, Alice, your boss will be hungover too.
   
10. You must pick a team prior to kickoff. None of that "I'm just watching the game" nonsense. The room needs to have polar opposites with the promise of a possible death match.
    

Now, I've posted rules that I've broken because I've learned my lesson. Hopefully, people will heed my advice going forward and we can go back to the halcyon days of the Super Bowl party.

And just like that, he redeems himself...maybe

He looks almost Favre-ian

Tony Romo has been loved and hated by both of us.

We loved him for his goofy ass persona and his seemingly unending bag of jedi moves on the field. We loved the fact he was more interested in playing "Guitar Hero" then he was in being Keith Davis or Pacman Jones. He was dating one of the hottest bitches on the planet in Carrie Underwood, and just playing "fubaw".

We hated him when he dumped Carrie Underwood for Jessica Simpson (though she was hot when he did). We hated him when he decided to jet set to Cabo instead of focusing on the playoffs last year only to see Eli win a god damned Super Bowl before him. We hated him when he showed more interested in attempting to qualify for the U.S. Open than getting ready for this season. We hated him for his slow morph into retard on the field and total douchebag on the field.

And then he goes and does something like this...

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Romo has joined the ranks of the chubby chasers!!!

Big and I have a soft spot in our hearts for big girls. Me, I know they try harder and nothing annoys me more than a girl who picks at a salad and claims to be full after two bites and a glass of wine. Big just enjoys the moment where he can quirk an eyebrow at her when he removes his shirt and say "come on, you know you're not doing any better than my fat bouncing off your muffin top a couple of times before I need a Gatorade and a rest".

Tony, you keep this up and you might just win our hearts back.

TB&TB Movie Review: "Gran Torino"

Fueled by the slightest bit of praise, my ego has been let go unchecked and now I'm going to throw two more movie reviews at you this week. Why? Because I've gone 3 for 3 this year on movies ("The Wrestler", "Gran Torino", and "Slumdog Millionaire"). First up, "Gran Torino" (I'm not looking to really and honestly review a movie, but I'd like to think that the people who read this normally have the same tastes as me and might enjoy checking these flicks out.)

I don't have a funny story about going to see the movie. This wasn't a load the bus with people type of thing, but I was visiting the folks and my Dad just said, "let's go watch a movie". Knowing that either my Mom or my Dad won't watch anything that has actors they don't know, it was pretty much "Gran Torino" or nothing.

I walked in expecting to see "Grumpy Old Men 3: Matthau and Lemmon are Dead, Here's Eastwood!" I walked out thinking this might have been one of the better things that Eastwood has ever done.

Again, I'd say the mark of a good actor is you don't realize that a person is acting, and you imagine they are, indeed, that character. In watching the movie, it's very easy to say that Clint Eastwood really is just a crotchety old, racist man who hates everyone around him.

The story is basically that Clint Eastwood's character, Walt Kowalski's, wife dies and he's left to run his house by himself. He has no relationship to speak of with his kids, and his neighborhood is being "overrun" with Vietnamese and Laotian people. He is forced to interact with these people and develops forced and awkward relationships with them. This, of course, leads to some of the most uncomfortably funny racism I've heard this side of "A Time to Kill". The reason the movie is called "Gran Torino" is because one of the central themes that the story revolves around is Walt's 1972 Ford Gran Torino.

I can't really divulge too much of the story, not because it's a surprise ending, but it's more of one of those stories that you have to watch from beginning to end to, I guess, appreciate (?) the entire movie. Again, I'm not one for directors' styles (Eastwood) or writers' styles (also, Eastwood). This is just Clint Eastwood being Clint Eastwood in a movie that starts slow but pulls you in for the full hour and a half. All in all, a solid movie, probably better to check out on DVD or with the folks.

I'll be reviewing "Slumdog Millionaire" later this week, so look for it.

Whatever are we going to do?

I'm not sure if anyone else has seen this news nugget. But, apparently, the world is seeing a shortage of chicken wings, just in time for the Super Bowl.

Do you realize what this means? It means trouble. I've got to think that Super Bowl parties are the number one facilitator for the consumption of chicken wings in the world. Right? Can you think of a situation outside of football, let alone the Super Bowl, where the mass consumption of wings takes place?

Is this why they invented the "boneless" wing, which is really just a nugget?

Can someone get Ja Rule on the phone? I need to talk to Ja!!


(Ja Rule reference)

A TB&TB Feild Trip! - The PBR

Your favorite bloggers checked out some Professional Bull Riding this weekend.

Just so we are clear, Brown's word are regular, mine(Big) will be misspelled and in ITALICS!

Despite the fact this was not "our first rodeo" as the the phrase goes, This was our first PBR. And while the Rodeo will bring out the rodeo fans, people are also there to enjoy concerts all the festivities behind it. Not the PBR. The PBR is for bull ridding fans.

Our buddy had some extra tickets in a suite at the AAC, so we figured what the hell and we loaded up the bus with me, Big, Bear, and Carl Badlander.

Let me tell you something about PBR...imagine professional wrestling, motocross, livestock, NASCAR, and classic rock all put together in a menagerie awesome. Yes, the entire show is based around someone attempting to sit on top of a really pissed off animal for 8 seconds, but that's not even the half of it.

And the fans? Rabid. Like there were a few times that I felt uncomfortable walking to our seats. I don't know if my jeans weren't tight enough, or my boots weren't "western" enough or something. When we sat down, It was completely the opposite. A fine gentleman sharing our sweet, who looked like Sam Elliot, asked if this was our first time, we gave him the spiel, and asked if he could educate us as to the finner points of Bull Ridding. First he offered us a handful of chaw, and said, "if you want the full experience, you need some of this."

I had to decline as the only other time I had chaw, i passed out in a bathroom, falling backward into a wall, causing a "big" sized indentation. To fix it, it cost me 100 bucks. But back to the PBR.

The show starts with explosions, fire and rock music...or as I call it, the "God Bless America" trifecta.

For real, they had U S A spelled in gasoline on the ground, and then they blacked out the crowd, and lite it on fire.

Then you get introduced to the "official entertainer of PBR" or as I call it, my next career move. Why? You ask. Good question. The guy's job is basically to paint his face, entertain the crowd with bits and dance around like a jack ass to whatever music is playing. If you know me, that's basically what I do at any party I'm invited to.

I have no idea as to how this guy gets his job, was he a former Rider? Was he a former clown? Either way, the guy was turning 41 years old on Sunday, and he could still flat foot jump from the ground up to the wall to "escape" the bulls. They used him mostly when they would go to commercials, as this was a live Spike TV show!

The actual bull riding begins, and surprisingly, you find yourself going ape shit crazy when someone manages to last the full 8 seconds. The crowd builds and cheers and goes nuts and it seems a lot longer than 8 seconds. If people don't make it, there's a disheartening groan and disdain for Mexico.

Uncomfortable moment of the night might have been when Big shouted a "fuck Oklahoma, go back there you bitch" rant, as he often does when the state to our north is mentioned. I thought it would go over well, but I think PBR fans might all be from Oklahoma. Lots of "what did that brown guy say?" stares.

For good measure? Let's drive a pickup truck around the arena and shoot shit out of a t-shirt cannon.

If you ever have a chance to go to one of these events, I highly recommend it. It's like a veritable "Golden Corral" for your senses. You'll feel fatter and more redneck than ever before.

Oh, and also, if you happen to be with Carl Badlander, make sure you punch him in the face repeatedly until he stops thinking of ideas. He's a terrible person.

Repeatedly.

I still think of This when I think PBR

No, No, No, No, Never, Never, No!

Baseball has been berry berry good to me

Look, I want to believe as much as anyone. Any since the 06 Tigers, 07 Rockies and 08 Devil Rays did it, everyone is looking for the next "big surprise" team to storm the MLB and get to the World Series.

I appreciate the hype, America, but it is NOT going to be the Texas Rangers.

But, they have the best farm system in America!

Nolan is going to make changes around here regarding mentality!

We've got Max Damage poised to repeat his dream numbers!

We're going to sign Ben Sheets and Kris Benson!

I really want to believe it to, and looking at the three past years of Cinderellas, I still hold on to a shred of hope.

But I'm not stupid.

If any team can fuck up their situation like Carl Badlander fucked over mine, it's Jon Daniels and Tom Hicks. Unlike Big's "I love Tom Hicks" initiative, I believe that he is a hands off guy, but only for he right price.

All the pitchers in the farm? Either going to overpitch and get hurt (Hurley), get traded before their prime (Young, Volquez), outright fail (Loe), or just never make it to the bigs (Diamond.)

Nolan's forcing people to try and do what they did when he was playing. Guys aren't that tough anymore, and Texas is too hot for them to pitch complete games in August. Bringing guys up too early is going to damage them in Texas, and we'll be left with the Loe's and Benoit's of the world.

Josh Hamilton was a great story last year. I really want him to do well. Josh Hamilton will hit a sophomore slump because pitchers know his mentality now, and Jon Daniels will get scared and trade him. Mark it.

Ben Sheets and Kris Benson are great names to bring in. What will really happen is that they'll be injured in no time flat, and it'll be just like the Adam Eaton move. A year of "meh" and then he'll move along.

I want to believe, but I'm not someone who just stumbled across the Rangers. I've been a fan and seen shit just fail for 20 years now.

Ohh please lord, let this happen!

Actor Mickey Rourke to step into real ring at Wrestlemania

I loved the wrestler.

I love wrestling.

The blog is going to wrestlemania in couple months.

Please don't let this be a tease.



RAM JAM RAM JAM RAM JAM!

GMV - Fedor's a Bad Man

Fedor Emelianenko vs. Andrei Arlovski was this last Saturday. It from the non UFC MMA called Affliction (yea, the ones that rock the douchebag shirts). I don't order Affliction PPV's, but I probably should, because Fedor is a bad ass.

Here is your GMV with a little bonus. The Video here is the "hype" video for the fight that was sat. The link at the bottom will take you to the fights abrupt end. Its worth the link. (yea, the hype video is long, GFY)



And The Link for the Fight Video, via Fanhouse.

Watch it. Very nice.