Nude Music Friday Lite - Things I over heard at Girl Talk

This last weekend I went to go see a concert, if you can call it that, from an artist called girl talk. And even though it is motto is "I'm not a DJ" he pretty much basically is just a DJ. Now he is a very specific kind of DJ, but a DJ nonetheless. For those of you who don't know who girl talk is let me explain. Girl talk can mash up a Beatles backbeat with an Andre 3000 song, and then take that right into a Twisted Sister and Trina mash up. That sounds pretty insane, I know, but take a look at this video. The video explains it way more than I can with words.



allow me to also explain what this guy does at his "concerts." Up on stage there is DJ booth set up with a computer at the front of it instead of turntables. At the beginning of the show girl talk comes out dressed to the nines in a suit or something spiffy like that, gets on the microphone and says stuff like "Dallas are you ready" and another typical hype you up type stuff. Then he bends over and basically presses play on his laptop and plays his mix tape. (Which you can download for free here )(which is something I highly recommend you do, it is fan fucking tastic)

once the music is going, the lights get going, the lasers get going,(all that's missing was titties for it to be strip club) and everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY started dancing. This is where the girl talk show becomes something you would never expect it to be. No matter your level of intoxication, people who are around you, things you're wearing, you've just start dancing.

All that, you mix "hip or trendy music" with hip-hop, adding in a bunch of young people really cutting loose, booze, and random other narcotics, you get a pretty interesting crowd. Mostly white, mostly young, mostly well-to-do, basically mostly SMU kids. If it wasn't for the hip-hop, and "don't give a fuck" mentality, this would be hipster central.

So without further ado, here are the things that I heard at the girl talk concert.

Girl in our party walking up to where we were tailgating where we were listening to LCD sound system: “ohhh sound system, we gonna party tonight!”

Young kids next to us in the parking lot, wall taking a pull from a milk jug containing some green liquid: “I call this a green DRANK, it's like purple DRANK, but with Green apple schnapps”

exchange with young kids next to us in the parking lot:
Them : have y'all been here before?
US : yes (it was at the Palladium)
Them : can you smoke inside?
Us: no
Them : not even weed?
Us: no no, that's okay.
Them : Sweet

some dude dancing near us: "i haven't felt this good since fourloko was gone!"

while at the bar, waiting for a drink, ten of the 15 people (I counted) around me : “I wonder how much a jager bomb is?”

While leaving the concert, random girl: “I wonder if chet, or chaz are having people over tonight.”

All and all like I said it was a great time, but the young kids future douche factor was through the roof. Take that for what it's worth, the music was still great, the dancing was still insane, and I can't wait to go back next time.

An ode to Pizza

Hope you ate breakfast because this’ll make you hungry

You might remember that I already wrote my piece on sandwiches being the greatest food ever.  A close second, might be pizza.  Pizza, similar to that of the sandwich, is very simplistic, yet one of the most versatile food items out there.

People need to stop trying to trick up pizza and just stay on the classic front.  For example, what’s wrong with plain pizza cheese?  Nothing.  There’s absolutely no need to apply goat cheese to a pizza.  Come to think of it, there’s nothing appetizing about the goat, why in God’s name did we decide to treat it like a cow?   Same with crazy ass toppings.  There’s no such thing as a “gourmet” pizza, and there’s no need to have a toppings list the length of the dead sea scrolls. 

Crusts are a whole separate issue.  Crusts are great, but they shouldn’t be taken for more than they are.  The pie tin of pizza-dom.  Deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza is okay, when you’re in Chicago at the original.  Otherwise, you basically screwed up a lasagna and you’re trying to pass it off as pizza.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, tops the classic thin crust New York style pizza.   In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the only thing that separates the “high end” pizza joints from your run of the mill Pizza Huts and Domino’s is the quality of crust.

So, even though types of pizza, size of pizza and toppings of pizza are the most debated topic in the history of food, I will submit to you, the top 5 pizza combos on the planet (in no particular order).

1) Plain Cheese
2) Sausage and Mushroom
3) Ham and Pineapple
4) Onion and Jalapeno
5) Barbecue Chicken

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “where’s pepperoni?”  I’ll ask you, why have pepperoni when you can get sausage or ham?   See, pepperoni isn’t that great, it’s just a conditioned response from when we were kids.  We had two options, cheese or pepperoni.  That was it.  That’s carried over so much that we’re conditioned that pepperoni is a top choice, when I’d argue it really isn’t. 

I welcome your thoughts.

"Knocked the wind out of me, Yes he did!"

Happy MLK day.

How to Win Awards in Hollywood…

Giggle.

It’s easy, just make a movie or TV show about gay people during the Holocaust.

Ok, even I admit that’s a terrible joke that probably deserves a rim shot/slide whistle/gong noise after it.

I was watching the the Golden Globes last night, and couldn’t help but roll my eyes every single time that the show “Glee” won something.  (I could throw the movie, “The Kids are All Right”, into this post, but I hadn’t heard of it before last night, let alone seen it.)   It has nothing to do with gay people, I just feel like it’s not a good show. 

I saw the first season/half-season of the show because I was a huge “Nip/Tuck” P1, so I was willing to watch it if Ryan Murphy was involved.  Thing is, I really liked that first season of the show.  It actually had a solid series of interwoven plot lines, plot lines that were dark if not eyebrow raising for a network show.  It also managed to intermingle music in a pretty damn good way that kept you interested…way better than that “Viva Laughlin” show ever did…anyone? anyone? 

However, I think the show was ruined by its own success and by its own fans.  Glee’s fan base is made up of Oprah fans, young teenagers and gay people.  Let’s not mix words here, that’s God’s honest truth.  Nothing about that demographic says that they should’ve continued with the story lines they had, they all pointed to, crank up the tuneage and focus on the gay kids.  That makes perfect business sense, and I’ve got no problem with it, hence I exercised my option to no longer watch the show.

I’m not trying to say that everyone should think like I do (stop shaking your head), but come on, critics need to slam on the brakes with this show.  “Glee” was up against the following: “30 Rock”, “The Big Bang Theory”, “The Big C”, “Modern Family” and “Nurse Jackie”.    First of all, where the hell was “Community” on that list?  Shit, what about “Archer” or you know well written or well acted shows that legitimately make people laugh?  Taking the oversights out, how the hell do you take “Glee” over “Modern Family”?    It’s obvious that the HFPA doesn’t really know a whole lot of what it’s doing (Not having “Sons of Anarchy” or “Justified” be nominated is a god damned shamed…though Katey Sagal winning was a nice touch), but it just seems like shows that should get critical acclaim get passed up (and sometimes cancelled) because shitty shows with cookie cutter approaches to high value demographics win out.

Maybe I’m just showing my super indie side, and I’m a closet hipster who totally knows what’s good and what everyone else likes sucks.  Let’s just hug each other, be happy and make a gay holocaust movie.  I want to have my red carpet wardrobe malfunction.

Verizon getting the iPhone will make AT&T’s network better.

Are people going to wait outside stores in this weather?

Everyone is thrilled that Verizon is getting the iPhone.  Why? The universal answer leans towards “AT&T’s network sucks”.  The minority are Verizon people who’ve been stuck with crap that would just like a nice phone to have.

I have a theory about this.  AT&T’s network sucks because it’s the only one with the iPhone.  I can’t back up this theory because I don’t know shit about the technology.  So, if you’re a technophile or you’re Bear and have access to Wikipedia, then by all means, correct me in the comments.

No one who has an iPhone actually uses it for telephone calls.  They use it for texts, for internet browsing, for Twitter, for Facebook, for apps, for whatever, but rarely for phone calls.  By the way, that goes for all phones, but this is iPhone related…we don’t talk anymore, we text. (I have an iPhone for work, and though I don’t use it, it’s a nice phone and I can see why so many people like it…not those “Apple or Die” hipsters, but regular people.)

Anyhow, I digress. The theory is that you’re on the AT&T 3G network, and that network is 10 kinds of clogged up with people on data transmissions, then naturally, it is going to elbow out the voice bandwidth.  Hence, dropped calls. 

I’ve been an AT&T customer since cell phones became commonplace (I think I got my first “regular use” cell phone in 2004. I had a cell phone before then, but that’s when monthly plans only gave you like 30 minutes a month and I only used that to call my parents and my then-girlfriend.).  I actually haven’t had any of the problems that everyone else seems to have (sitting strong on the EDGE network).  I don’t seem to notice dropped calls or anything like that, so when people swear a blood oath against AT&T, I (hypocritically) think, “what’s this person so angry about? it’s a cell phone.” 

Anyway, given my network theory.  The people using the iPhone hate the network that is clogged due to iPhone use.  It’s a catch-22 of epic proportions.  So, when these people who HAVE TO HAVE an iPhone, but have sworn a blood oath to overthrow AT&T are going to switch over to Verizon, then the AT&T network is going to clear up,right?   When that happens, then maybe the networks are going to be easier and the calls won’t be dropped. When that happens, then maybe people won’t be so angry about their cell phones anymore.  And when that happens?  Peace in the Middle East!

Jeez, what’s the deal with people being so angry all the time? Can’t we just grab a guitar, have a drink, smoke a joint and hug each other?  Anyway, I hope Verizon is ready for the onslaught of people and data.

G.R.O.S.S. Fight Club

This is the greatest video of all time, I know because I read Calvin and Hobbs as a kid so I can say that and you can't get mad at me if you disagree.

H/T : GorillaMask

Being “retired” means I get to be an analyst, right?

More or less, me

When sports players retire, inevitably we see them crop up in ESPN or Fox booths and studios as analysts.   In some cases, its almost literally the next day.  I’d like to think that after a man gets married, he is “retiring” from the game and with that in mind, he gets to enter the booth/studio and become an analyst.  Instead of having to study defenses on the field and know how to break through and score (god damn I love this metaphor), now I get to sit on my high horse, looking down on the field and saying “hmm, should’ve done that” with a smarmy attitude (if that’s a Madden ranking, I’m a solid 99).

With that being said, I’m retired and I’d like to sit in the studio.  I’m not going to claim I was a HOF guy or even anyone who merits mention.  I’d say I’m more like Sean Salisbury. I played the game, and then I retired. Now I spend my day analyzing things, eating hot wings and sending pictures of my dong to my wife.  Hi, babe!

So, here’s what I’ve noticed from the booth:

Women

You understand that fashion means nothing to straight men, right?  I’m not saying walk around in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.(though you tend to think that’s okay to do for some fucking reason. Seriously, have we fucking degraded so much as a society that it’s acceptable for people to walk around in pajama pants and a god damned sweatshirt?  Don’t give me the “its comfortable” excuse because that’s bullshit.  There’s a difference between your house and public.  Put some jeans on.)  What I’m saying is that the shit you see designed by some queen on Project Runway makes you look stupid, not sexy.  Here’s some tips:

• Boobs are great. We love them.  If you’re going to show them, don’t get offended.  If you’re fat, we don’t want to see your boobs because your cleavage and your knee fat look identical.
• Wear what fits.  This means that if you’ve got a belly like mine, form-fitting clothing doesn’t work.  If you’ve got stumpy legs, perhaps leggings shouldn’t be your option.  If you’ve got a flat stomach and rocking tits, avoid the fleece pullover.
• Makeup and jewelry, less is more.  The worst thing on the planet is when a women looks like she shoved a firecracker up a parrot’s ass, closed her eyes and accepted what happens next as her make up.   You shouldn’t have to “put on your face”.  The difference between you with and without makeup shouldn’t be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  As for jewelry?  Well, I pity the fool who fucks Mr. T’s mom. 

Men

Wow, we’ve gotten quite awesome haven’t we?  We go to the gym, we dress “fresh to death” in our screen printed t-shirts (Ed Hardy to douche, irony to hipster!), and we spend a lot of time grooming our facial hair.  (Beards?  Really?  Beards are in?  I get being lazy and just not wanting to shave, but if you’re spending an hour trimming a beard and making sure lines are straight, just cut your throat and do the world a favor.)   By the way, when did it become acceptable to not actually talk to a woman and instead use Facebook, Twitter and texting to flirt?  (See how I play my studio analyst role? That’s what I used to do and how I met my wife, now I say it’s stupid!! GO ME!)   Jesus, just grow some balls, walk up to a girl and say “hi, my name is Brown, what’s yours? Can I buy you a drink?”  What’s the worst that can happen?  She is going to stand up and say “hey everyone! this little dick loser just asked me for my name and to buy me a drink.  what a fag!” ?  I doubt it.  She says no, and you move on.  (STUDIO ANALYSIS!!!)

• Skinny jeans were made for women.  You are a man.  Don’t wear clothing made for women.
• Facial hair.  I appreciate a solid beard or mustache that says “I’m too lazy to shave and I don’t care” or “I’m a Canadian lumberjack” or “I’m comic, Kyle Kinane”.  But actively spending time in the mirror trimming your face?  Come on.
• V-Necks are for folks who don’t need an undershirt peeking out of a shirt or for sweaters. Men shouldn’t have cleavage.
• Jewelry. Just because the Situation stole shit from Madonna’s Vogue video, doesn’t mean you need to wear a Jesus piece to rival Lil Wayne. Unless you’ve got a hot new album dropping tomorrow and the studio gave you an advance to hang a diamond plated midget from your necklace, tuck that behind your shirt.   You also graduated 10 years ago.  I think you can safely put away your school ring now.

Again, I’m a studio analyst, so I have complete license to make these calls and you’re not allowed to question anything I say.  I played the game, man.  I know how it goes.  America, nay the WORLD, wants to hear my thoughts and opinions because mine matter. 

We’ll protect everyone’s voice…except Conservatives

You’ll find none here.

Look, I’m not looking to start a political war here.  My political beliefs are about as moderate and down the middle as it gets.  On some things I’m all the way right, on others I’m all the way left.  What I’d like to think is that I apply logic and thought to each of the topics and develop my OWN opinion rather than just listen to Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, John Stewart or Rush and take it as the gospel.

However, given the tragedy in Arizona, I noticed something coming from the squawking heads on the left.  (When I say that, I don’t just mean Olbermann and Maddow, I’m mean comics, celebrities, hippies, Gawker, you name it) was that they immediately started blaming the tea party, conservatives, Rush and Sarah Palin. 

Huh?

Aren’t these the same people who beg and plead with conservatives NOT to blanket blame of Islam and Muslims for 9/11 and other terrorist attacks?  Why is it okay for one side to blame a group of people for a tragedy and then scold that group for blaming someone else?  I’m not equating the Arizona tragedy with 9/11, so don’t jump to that conclusion.  What I’m saying is, when did it become okay for you to blame one set of thoughts, but scold others for blaming a set of thoughts? 

Can’t we all agree that this dude was just bat shit insane?  I’m not calling for gun control to change.  I’m not saying that a map of “targeted constituencies” goaded someone to actually target a constituency.  I’m not even blaming a failing health care system for not catching a crazy person.  All I’m saying is, this Loughner kid was crazy.  Period.  There isn’t a political spin to it. 

So, even for you non-politcos out there, don’t take this tragedy and start assigning blame because you feel like you need a logical reason for why things happen.  Shit happens and it happens without a reason or justification.  That’s life.  We should mourn those who were killed.  We should ask ourselves what can we do better to help prevent bad things from happening.  We should also take a moment to be rational and apply thought when things happens that we can’t imagine.

FYI, no post tomorrow morning as I’m out of town on business.

Is Garrett the right man for the job?

Patience, my young padowan

We’ll see, I guess.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or too busy watching Glee to take, you’ve seen that Jason “Garrett-Top” Garrett is officially the new Cowboys coach.  Based on him taking a 1-7, listless team and turning them into a competitive 5-3 team, he got the job and an unexpected vocal confirmation that he’ll have final control over coaches and players.

Only 2 men have had that type of control under Jerrah, Jimmy and Parcells.   What does that mean for Garrett?

Who knows? 

Jimmy coached in a time without free agency and salary caps (don’t quote me on the second part, it does make me look smart though).   He put together a team rife with talent, made big trades and operated without interjection from a novice Jerry Jones.  For all intents and purposes, Jimmy took this franchise and brought it into the modern era.  If Landry was #1 in the Cowboy coaching books, for our generation of Cowboys fans, Jimmy is 1A.  

Parcells came in on his white horse amid Gaily and Campo.  He took a lazy, underachieving team that Jerry had mutated, and brought them back to norm.  He didn’t win playoff games or a Super Bowl, but he took the Cowboys from joke to back in the discussion.  Like with Jimmy, Jerry ceded control to Parcells.  Parcells, however, brought in the old guard (Pepper Johnson, Mo Carthon, etc.) and tried to re-create the magic he had in New York and New England.  He had the right philosophy, but the wrong execution.

Whitlock nailed it on the head when he described Peyton Manning over-thinking and over-doing. He said that the greatest quarterbacks of their time had a coach that was cerebral enough to think for them and allow the players to execute on the field.  To quote him, “Joe Montana had Bill Walsh. Tom Brady has Bill Belichick. Terry Bradshaw had Chuck Noll. John Elway had Mike Shanahan. Troy Aikman had Jimmy Johnson. Bart Starr had Vince Lombardi.”  The NFL is a quarterbacks league, and if Tony Romo is the next Staubach/Aikman (great QB, rings) instead of the next Meredith/White (great QB, no ring), then he must have his Yoda.

Can Jason Garrett be that Yoda?  He says he’s sat with Jimmy and Troy to learn from them.  Forget the Princeton education, does he have the sideline education?  He spent more than enough time behind Jimmy and Norv with a clipboard.  What has he gleaned?  Will he over-think it or will he be Tony Romo’s brain for him?   Jason Garrett’s job is to hire the assistant coaches around him to handle the player squads around him. His focus should be on synching his quarterback’s brain with his own and letting Romo do it on the field.

Man, does this guy just hate everything?

Bitches.

I tend to get that question asked a lot of me, and the answer is, mostly.   I do like things, my wife, my dog, sandwiches, Star Crunch, lamp…but let’s be honest, you don’t want to read about that.  Hell, even Big calls me out on it now and then.

There’s nothing entertaining about being happy. Admit it, if this blog was chock full of me saying things like: “you know what’s great?  Being in love.”  You’d vomit all over your computer, come find me and give me a wedgie.  Then you’d think that this was one of the most un-entertaining blogs on the internet (you might already think that…check that, you do think that based on our page views.)  

When’s the last time you heard a comic on-stage say “I love puppies. And hugs are great too.”?  You haven’t, because it isn’t funny and it doesn’t really get you laughing.  Most people laugh at people bitching about stuff because its most likely things you also are annoyed by and can appreciate people cracking jokes at it. 

If you think I’m being negative or hypercritical, its because I know that those are the kind things that people actually find somewhat comical.  I could rip off posts about how great my wife is or things my dog does that make me smile, but it might be quite the geigh post, no?   

So, we’ll try and pepper in a few positive posts and more comedy-driven posts like Big’s “explain a rap song” or caption contests, but yes, for the most part, this is going to be a forum for my bitching about things because, god damn it, that’s how you like it.  When Big gets back, we’ll go back to sunshine and daisies, until then, embrace your hate and come to the dark side.

They grabbed Ricky…how’s about Vince?

Everyone thought that Miami was crazy when they took a flier on a crazy Ricky Williams.  He leaves the Dolphins this year as their most productive running back in franchise history, and a fairly consistent 1000 yard back.

Now, there’s another Texas great, labeled as crazy who’s first team has lost hope.

Come on, new look Miami Dolphins.  How about you pair up Jim Harbaugh with a new quarterback named Vince Young?

If I wasn’t me, I’d probably kick my own ass

Just think of me as Calvin, and Big as Hobbes.

I was listening to the Nerdist podcast yesterday (thank, Big, for that recommendation), and Hardwick was talking to Marc Maron.  One of the things they were talking about made me have a near-epiphany on the treadmill and I want to see if I can replicate what he was talking about.

Maron basically made the comment, and I’m paraphrasing, “being my friend is a tough job, it’s a demanding and draining job.”  I thought about it and said, “yup, I feel ya man.”   Now, that’s not me saying “boo hoo, feel bad for me, I have no friends'”, that’s me admitting that the few people who are my friends probably deserve your pity for their Gandhi-esque tolerance and Jesus-like forgiveness/acceptance.

Whether it’s something I’m doing subconsciously or directly, I know it takes quite a bit of effort to be my friend.  You people read this blog, I pretty much hate everything on the planet that isn’t in my house, I have mood swings like a pregnant bi-polar woman, and I have a temper that makes Sonny Corleone look like a Care Bear. (To my wife, who reads this, you’re stuck to me in a binding contract, no quitsies!  Side note: the wife asked me the other day if she could write something up as Mrs. Brown.  I said she could, but she didn’t believe me.  You all help me convince her.)

I’m not apologizing, and I’m not playing a violin for myself.  I’m actually happy with who I am as a person and I am quite happy with my life.  I’m just saying that, I’m very self-aware of what a dick I can be, and that those handful of people that have been friends with me through think and thin are people who could probably broker a middle eastern peace treaty and cure the world of white trash.  The rest of the people who I’m friends with, most likely are friends with me purely out of association and begrudging acceptance…most likely you’re a friend of one of my friends and you kind of accept me as a package deal.

So, to those people who are my friends, I get it and thank you.  To those of you who maybe don’t list me on your friend, but realize that I’ve emotionally coerced you into hanging out with me, I’ll see you when I see you.  To those of you who stumble on this blog and don’t know me…well, go fuck yourself. 

The Greatness of Sandwiches

I love sandwiches.  I could eat them for every meal, every day and I think I’d be a happy person.  I know, you’re shocked that I a) like something and b) could be happy.  You can’t be surprised that it’s food related.  It’s simple, no showy and delivers on what it promises. 

Think about it.  The sandwich is the most variable food on the planet, yet it really boils down to some basic ingredients:

Bread.

Main stuffing – meat, cheese, large veggie, salad (chicken, egg, tuna, etc.), etc.

Accessories – lettuce, tomato, pickle, etc.

Dressings – mustard, mayo, ranch dressing, ketchup, etc.

Four basic groups, endless possibilities. I don’t think it’s too much for me to say that if you don’t like sandwiches, you must hate America.

Top 5 sandwiches, in no particular order:

1) Reuben 
2) Turkey & Ham
3) Meatball Sub
4) Tuna on Rye
5) Grilled Cheese

Add yours in the comments.

That’s great, you love God, keep it to yourself.

My goodness, Brown has a sense of humor about himself too!

I fully expect that I’m going to confuse some folks with this topic. Normally, I try and avoid religion as a subject like the plague, but I told you I’m not holding back this year, so let’s just get this out of the way now.

I’d say about 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are of the Christian faith. Some are “hardcore” Christians, some are simply aligning themselves because it’s how they grew up. These are people that range from my wife’s family to my best friends to people in grocery stores. I’ve attended church services before, both Protestant and Catholic. I’ve seen people so touched by what they perceive as God’s message they’ve been reduced to tears, and I’ve seen people out and out reject the concept of God and religion all together.

Here’s the thing, both of those reactions and everything in between are perfectly okay and legit.

This post isn’t me telling people what they can or can’t believe. This post isn’t me making fun of people that believe or admonishing those that don’t. What I’m trying to get across is, no matter what you believe, that’s what YOU believe and it’s not for anyone else to cram their thoughts in your face or for you to do that to them.

I’ve got a couple of close friends that I happen to know are deeply religious people. They attend Church, they tithe, they pray, all of the things that are asked for in their daily lives by their scripture. I respect these guys because they don’t impress on me their beliefs, they don’t evangelize, they don’t go around inserting God and Jesus into every discussion. At the same time, they have no problem standing up and defending those that do. I understand where they are coming from, I really do. People who feel the need to ram religion down your throat happen to share the same religion and what right do I have to tell them they can’t celebrate that fact?

That’s the problem. There’s a fine line between celebrating your love for your own creed, and force feeding it to everyone around you. There’s a site called stfubelievers.tumblr.com, and it’s meant to poke fun at people who insert religion into everyday items. It’s intent is to be humorous, but it does,what I feel, is a good job at highlighting the ridiculous nature of the people I’m asking to kindly shut up.

No one has a problem with you loving God. I have a problem with you feeling the need to remind me on an hourly basis about it or judge my thoughts because they’re different. Is it insecurity? Is it that you need OTHER people to justify your belief for you? You can’t repeat the same concept over and over and then get offended when someone points out your absurd obsession. If I flooded your media and conversations with messages praising the glory of english muffins, after a certain amount of time, you might start thinking “what is it with this guy and english muffins? I like english muffins, but this is ridiculous”. Look, I love english muffins, I LOVE THEM. I have one every morning. That doesn’t mean people who like bagels, or toast, or cereal or fruit or nothing at all are wrong for their breakfast choices.

The point I’m trying to make is really multi-fold. First, I’m not saying you shouldn’t believe in whatever you believe. I’m also not saying you shouldn’t be proud or happy of that fact. You should be proud and you should practice it because it’s YOUR belief. Secondly, your beliefs are something that should be personal. There’s no need for you to broadcast your personal feelings to the world, let alone on a daily basis. Third, you’re entitled to believe what you want, no matter how strongly that is. However, everyone around you is entitled to believe what they believe, and it isn’t up to you to tell them they’re wrong or they’re being judged for it. Fourth, don’t use your belief system as a shield against logic. Think about a topic all the way through prior to arguing against or for it with God or a book as your defense. Fifth, all religions, ALL OF THEM, boil down to the same message: be a good person because good things happen to good people. No religion on the planet strays from that core concept.

So, if you are a believer in Vishnu, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Ra, Yahweh or the Fonz, remember, you’re only real charter in life is to be a good person. So, be a good person and help others that are less fortunate than you with the basic things they’ll need: food, shelter, and clothing. We can all do that without pissing each other off, can’t we?

EDIT: My (Big's) response is in the comments, if anybody cares, or even remembers who i am.

Brown ranting on Facebook…new year, new message.

Really, the world summed up in one picture.

I’ve made no secrets about the fact that I’m hypocritical of my complaints and annoyance regarding Facebook and Twitter.  I’ve heard every single counter argument of “if you don’t like it, don’t participate” or “if that person annoys you, defriend them”.   All fair points, but let me be clear, I like Facebook and I like Twitter.

I say that completely sober and without pressure or sarcasm.

I enjoy that I can hit a button on my phone and be able to see what my friends are up to, pictures, comical thoughts/links, etc.  I find that to be a nice respite from my cocoon of an office. Same with Twitter.  I enjoy the fact that I can follow humorous people and media types that can pipe in headlines or comedy in a single feed.

However it isn’t the 90% of people that I’m directing my vitriol.  It’s the 10% of you that just don’t fucking get it.  Facebook and Twitter are social media, they aren’t spotlights for your one man show. “Please, you think you’re so funny on your twitter feed, what a fucking hypocrite”.   That’s a good argument, really it is. But, this is my blog post, so fuck you.

The problem with these media is that people over-post and then get offended if you ignore/defriend them or point out that they over-post.  Look, that’s great, you’re pregnant.  I don’t care to know your pussy was puffy this morning and it means you’re housing a small migrant farming community in your uterus.  I also don’t give a shit to know that this morning your child mispronounced a word.  It isn’t funny when your kid does it, it isn’t funny when retards do it (yes it is…for the retards.)

Also, Facebook is a public forum. Do you fucking understand that?  If you have a private message to send someone, use your god damned cell phone. I don’t need to see couples telling each other how much they love each other or seeing them argue in a public forum.  This goes for Twitter also.  You don’t need to have a conversation on Twitter, use your phone. Make the conversation entertaining if you’re putting it on the web. We can all see that you’re trying oh so desperately to hit on some girl that you barely know.  Please stop.  Emoticons make you weak, and fragile and geigh.  Damn it, you people are basically sprinkling your pubic hair all over the social media pizza and ruining it for everyone. 

Is it too much to ask that when you want to post something on the internet, make it entertaining, make it informative, make it something that people actually like, not your little group of lonely women who desperately need attention and think it’s fantastic that Oprah has her own network.

Wow. This is…this is just awesome.

Snooki wrote a book.  Here is an excerpt.

“Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

I love America.

H/T: Warming Glow

People the world needs to quit overrating now

1. Kesha

2. Nicki Minaj

3. Pat Greene

4. The Black Eyed Peas

5. Katy Perry

6. Channing Tatum

7. Taylor Swift

8. Chelsea Handler

9. Wes Welker

10. Kardahsians, all of them.

Add yours in the comments

Stay out of the gym, please. (I’m kidding, I’m glad you’re here)

 

Greatest porn ever?  Greatest porn ever.

You spent Saturday buying some new clothes and building a tracking chart in Excel.  2011 is gonna be your year to get in shape.

No it isn’t, fatty.

Let me tell you something, Augustus Klump, all you manage to do is piss off everyone else who is at the gym beyond the month of January.  You come in, spend 45 minutes huffing and puffing on a treadmill then manage to get crisco sweat all over the benches and machines.   That, and it’s cold outside and your rascal parked up front makes me park further away. 

All I’m asking is that you follow through.  If you’re going to make everyone suffer the indignity of seeing your tubby ass fly all over a treadmill, then by god, make me suffer for the long haul until it’s all gone.  Don’t be the “resolutioner”.  Don’t buy a P90x dvd and think you’re Brooklyn Decker after 1 week. I’ve literally seen gigantic, Wade Phillips-esque tubs of goo slowly whittle themselves down to a better shape over a year.  And you know what? THAT is an inspiration for everyone.  I actually let these people know that they’ve done a kick ass job and they help keep my faith in humanity alive. 

By the way, here’s the ultimate secret for getting in shape:  FIX YOUR FUCKING DIET.  You can go to the gym every day, but if after the gym you’re eating an entire pizza and drinking a 6 pack, you’ve done nothing.  Whereas if you just fixed your diet, then going to the gym would produce results.  I promise you, you don’t need a DVD, you don’t need a supplement.  Eat a fucking apple.

So, for the guys, there’s nothing wrong with sleeves and taking it slowly.  You and I both know that you and I aren’t the Situation.  I promise you, no one gives a flying shit about what you’re doing, so lift smaller amounts of weight.  There’s no need to try and bench what you benched in high school when you’re pushing 35.  You aren’t Brock Lesnar, so stop dressing and shadow boxing like you’re going to be on the Ultimate Fighter. 

For the ladies, cover it up, and not with form fitting clothing.  You have big tits because your fat, not because they’re nice.  No one wants to see them or that mass of flesh you call an ass.  Doing a week’s worth of Yoga, buying a Zumba DVD and going tanning doesn’t make you hot, that makes you Snookie without the hair.  Earn the right to wear those clothes you think you can wear now. 

If you want to get in shape, I commend and support you, I really do. I just want all of you to commit, god damn it.  Become a regular at the gym instead of being that person we all know no one will see until next January.   If not, then just embrace your size, buy a Vespa and let me call you gravy tits. 

Is this another comeback post? Looking back and looking forward.

Cool Dog says, “come on in and make yourself comfortable”

I know what you’re thinking, here’s another “we’re coming back” post from Brown about how he’s going to start posting more, and then he’s just going to go back to not posting anything and retreat to the fortress of solitude.  Probably…

But, here’s what I am going to promise you.  I’m gonna try to re-launch this puppy next year.   Big may or may not be on board, that’s purely up to him.  I’m sure that most of our readers (all 5 of them) have stopped even coming here, but maybe this will be a chance to bring them back.  I dunno, we’ll see. 

Looking back…

We started this blog when sports blogging was really coming into its own.  Newspapers didn’t really have recognized bloggers, Deadspin was one or two years old, TBL was independent, the KSK boys just bloggers rather than authors, and Mottram was running FanHouse.  We had this great idea that we would join the fray, establish ourselves and become a Dallas sports blog.   That was answered with a resounding, “Meh”.  We could barely get our friends to read this fucking thing, let alone strangers.  Sure, we had our fair share of regulars, Gerry Dorsey, Dave from the Dream Shake, Bear, Nasty, Bizzle, Sherpa and so forth, but our biggest day was getting maybe 50 hits and being invited to blog on a SN Mavericks blog.  Not exactly a hot spot on the web.

I think that’s where we petered out and died. (I keep saying “we”, but I have no idea what Big thinks of any of this.)   We weren’t getting any hits, any interactions and life kind of took over.   Our love of sports hasn’t gone astray.  Our thoughts and opinions haven’t changed, we just haven’t written down anything.   Shit, in the time this place has been dormant, I’ve changed jobs twice, gotten married, gotten a dog and beat Mother Nature to the punch by shaving my head.  See?  Life’s taken over. 

So, now what? 

This blog is coming back.  At least at 50% (me).  It isn’t going to be wholly sports focused, I may go weeks without a sports post.  I’m going to make this blog a personal thought dump of sorts.  I’m not going to share intimate, deep thoughts or any of that shit, but, as I’ve always done, I tend to observe the world around me in my own way, and if I don’t express that, then I tend to go nuts.  The wife is getting tired of my random non sequiturs, so I figured this is an ideal location.

You can follow us (me) on twitter at twitter.com/bigandthebrown for updates, or just bookmark this site and keep your eyes open.

If you liked any of the stuff that you read here before, then know that it’s coming back.  If you didn’t, well you probably stopped reading anyway, so you’re not reading this.

So, here’s to 2011 and the re-launch of The Big & The Brown on 1/3/2011…won’t you join us? 

 

PS: I really can’t speak for Big, so if you were reading this blog for his entries, you should send him an email or something.

CeeLo = Music Genius

NSFW due to use of the word Fuck.