"Beat Brown's Caption" Contest!

I'm going to periodically put a picture up with a wacky quote. Use the comment section to beat the quote with something funnier.

"I've got 14 gold medals."
"I make $80 Million a year, and I'm injured. Chump."

Have a great long weekend!

A guy oversleeps and the shit hits the fan

What the hell?

I hit the snooze button one too many times and I get to wake up to my phone exploding with text messages and emails.

-McCain picks a female VP. Yup, that's right, the Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin. Genius political move. And if he wins? We get to blame America's struggle on old people and women! MY DREAM IS COMING TRUE!! By the way, we don't talk politics here, so just don't start that crap. The mere mention of US/China relations set Dorsey and Steve off in a comment record for this site.

Update: I know I just said we don't talk politics or anything, but I hope everyone realizes how historic this campaign for the Presidency is. We have one ticket with a man of mixed race and an unconventional upbringing as the major party's candidate for the highest single office in the world. The other ticket, though not the first to do so, has a woman representing a major party candidate for the second in command of the highest office in the world. I don't care what your political leanings are, and I know there are people who aren't happy to see this, but we should all take a moment and realize how monumental this really is for America. And...scene.

-Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco legally changes his name. I can't even begin to process this. I can only imagine the scene from "Family Guy" where the Japanese guy is looking up and says "Oh uh-my uh-God".

-It's Michael Jackson's 50th birthday today. There's not really a joke there, just the fact that one of the greatest singers in history is turning 50. Yes, he fucks little kids, but I just said he can sing.

-There will be no Big XII preview from me on this website. After what I've done to the Rangers by merely mentioning them during the All-Star break, I refuse to talk about my alma mater no matter how much I've studied everyone down to the red shirts. That's nothing out of the ordinary, just stop asking. That being said, college football starting up is like heroine hitting my vein...so good, so warm, so inviting. Gameday is going to feel like a coke bender.

-The Grizzlies signed an Iranian. Cue up Steve, please.

America, Fuck Yea, with an interesting tidbit

So one of our readers/cementers, Bizzle, has sent us an email, and wanted to share something with the world. Here is his words.

Yo,

So I have a 3rd(?) cousin who is basically a bad ass at every thing he does. Among those is being the first Iowan to climb Mt. Everest. Long story short he's attempting to swim the English Channel sometime this week which would make him the first American to have completed what's called the "Peak and Pond" (climbing Everest and swimming the Channel). I know this isn't along the usual TB&TB agenda, but it'd be cool if you posted it. I wouldn't have sent this except for the whole being "the first American to do it" thing.

Here's a link

-Bizzle

There you go buddy, Go America

Greatest Video Game Athletes of all Time

So the great people over at IGN have another list, much like the Greatest Madden QB's of all time, this one is Greatest Video Game Athletes of all time.

Here is the list

10. Reggie Jackson (RBI Baseball)
9. Tommy Armour III (PGA Tour II)
8. Brock Lesnar (Smackdown!: Here Comes The Pain)
7. Ken Griffey (Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball)
6. Charles Barkley (Barkley's Shut Up And Jam!)
5. Bill Elliott (Bill Elliott's NASCAR Challenge)
4. Jeremy Roenick (NHLPA Hockey '93)
3. Michael Vick (Madden '04)
2. Bo Jackson (Tecmo Bowl)
1. Mike Tyson (Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!)

As a gamer, and a avid sports gamer, I can honestly say the top 4 are spot on. Roenick, Vick, Jackson and Tyson are the best video game people I've ever played with or against. The idea of running with Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl is still something i dream about at night.

Reggie Jackson is also perfect. RBI baseball was such a great game, and Reggie Jackson was so dominate, that as a child, i didn't even follow baseball but i knew about Jackson's prowless over RBI baseball.

Barkley, Griffy, Armor, and Elliot, the games sucked so i didn't play em at all.

All in all a good list.

This has TB&TB written all over it

So I know, People have been asking, "Where's that portly, slightly funny fellow big?"

And Despite life getting in the way, I've been in the shadows, watching, waiting, wanting.

So without further adu, here is something the Big and Brown will be competing in next year, and yes, I think we can win it.

I wonder if they used Nolan Ryan's lean beef

So, the Rangers send a message that they're calling it quits this season by trading "Everyday Eddie" Guardado for a hamburger.

Well, maybe Ron Washington was hungry or John Daniels had the munchies. Did they offer to gladly pay for the hamburger Tuesday? (That's a fucking Popeye joke, I spit hot fire!)

Honestly, guys, a hamburger?

I thought that Coors Light commercial was a joke where that guy on the Detroit Lions gets a Lions tattoo and ends up getting traded for a case of Coors? That shit was funny. I never thought it would actually happen.

We traded the only effective bullpen guy and the Rangers current closer for a tasty, grilled entree?

I can't belie---

What's that?

Mark Hamburger, you say?

A 21 year old prospect from Minnesota, huh?

Well, color me embarrassed.

I know what you're thinking, and you'd be wrong.

This is for you Bobby, Christian, and JJ!!

I'm going to touch the Olympics one more time. (Olympics, touch the doll where Brown touched you.) This time, it's nothing about judging or Mongolian China Love. No, this time it's about the Dallas Mavericks.

Huh?

I heard it on the radio this morning, "Jason Kidd won a gold medal, so that means he's still got it!"

*cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

Yes, Jason Kidd was on the USA Basketball team that won a gold medal this year.

Yes, Jason Kidd was on the court for a few minutes.

Jason Kidd provided leadership and experience to a team that didn't need (or want) him on the court, and THAT'S why Jason Kidd has a third gold medal to hit Joumana with.

What does that mean? It means that the Mavericks don't have Chris Paul or Deron Williams running the point, so they're stuck with asking Jason Kidd to play. If the Olympics have taught us anything, it's that Jason Kidd could be Avery Johnson 2.0. He could be the aging point guard who understand the game and has a court vision like very few, and he can teach that to the younger guys and lead a team from the bench.

I'm not saying make Jason Kidd a coach. I'm saying put him in the Avery Johnson or Darrel Armstrong role. The Mavs have nothing at point guard, so they'll need to get someone not name Juan Jose Barea to play.

No more Olympics until Vancouver, where I can bring up how the god damn Canadians are cheating the U.S. out of figure skating medals by placing mounties, moose and elk on the ice and claiming they're 16 year old girls.

Update on that whole subjectivity thing...

So, based on the commentary, a few of you actually decided to read something on this site...for those that didn't, I put up a post regarding subjectivity in the Olympics games.

Well, I was trolling the interwebs and came across the great Yahoo! Olympic blog, Fourth Place Medal

See, Chris Chase is doing a study on how the objective versus the subjective events are turning out, and he's calling it "the Real Medal Count". Essentially, he's removed from the medal totals the events that are completely based on judges scores to determine a winner. Those events are :

• Diving
• Equestrian
• Gymnastics
• Judo
• Synchronized Swimming
• Taekwondo
• Trampoline (an event being chastised on our comment boards)
  
• Wrestling

Anyway, Chase has provided a very intriguing count of medals...

First, the current medal count:

	Gold	Silver	Bronze	Total
China	46	15	22	83
United States	29	34	32	95

Now, the "real" medal count:

	Gold	Silver	Bronze	Total
United States	25	26	25	76
China	23	12	13	48

Hey, the proof's in the pudding, and as my blogging buddy, Big, might say, "god damned, mongolians!"

Awesome job by Chris over at Yahoo!.

No captions, just laughs.

Hat tip: FFFFound!

Hey wait, we grew up watching that station!

If you have paid even scant attention to sports on the internet, then you're aware of Brian Collins, more appropriately, "the boom goes the dynamite guy".

Here's the video to refresh your memory:

Wonderful.

Anyways, seems young Brian has finished his term at Ball State and has found himself working at KXXV in Waco, Texas.

Wait a second, KXXV, Channel 25 in Waco, Texas? You mean the ABC affiliate that broadcasts to the greater Central Texas area? That's right, both mine and Big's hometown, not far from Waco (it's a city commonly known as Assholeofamerica, Texas) , will now be getting a dose of the one and only Brian Collins!

Nope, still not enough to get me to visit my parents.

You'll never be better than Iandoli, buddy, so you might as well find another market.

Separate note, Robert Flores, now of ESPN Sportscenter fame, got his start in the same area on Channel 10, then moved to KEYE in Austin and is now at ESPN. So, you know, Brian does have that one in a million chance.

Think Charles Barkley is an ass hole?

Hat tip: Awful Announcing

Have we got a show for you.

The crown prince of pudge is going to undergo a live colonoscopy on television during a "Stand Up for Cancer" special being simulcast on a few channels.

"Sir Charles, 45, says he was surprised that the show approached him, but was happy to participate in promoting awareness for colonoscopies, which screen for prostate and other cancers.

Barkley said that when he told his friend Fred Lavner, of NB2 Apparel, about being asked to undergo the procedure on television, Lavner replied they were "probably just looking for the celebrity with the biggest ass.""

Celebrity with the biggest ass? Ok, I guess that makes sense.

Here's what I don't understand about the whole cancer screening process...why do men have to go through gay tests?

We get our balls rubbed and asses violated. Really? All the technology in the world, and we're still relegated to a rubber glove with some KY?

Well, what if he wants a good slice of pie?

Reminded me of my boy, Buddy Christ.

Brown goes to the House of Blues to watch...TNA Wrestling?

That's right, you read that title correctly. TNA Wrestling was in town this weekend and put on a little show at the House of Blues. So, El Blogador and I went to check out the scene.

Here's a few notes:

• Booker T rode to the event in a very elaborate RV and parked it in between the House of Blues and Hooters.
  
• Blogador and I ate at the Hooters and had a window staring at Booker T's RV, our main form of enjoyment of was a fat kid in a Kix (the band, not the cereal) t-shirt and a binder waiting for autographs. Blogador and I make a pact stating that if either of us stooped that low, the other would put a bullet in said person's head.
  
• Lots of kids at TNA Wrestling meaning, lots of beaten down parents.
  
• Jeremy Borash might be the gayest man on the planet
  
• Petey Williams's finisher, "the Canadian Destroyer", looks as cool live as it does on television
• Fans of TNA Wrestling apparently have no sense of humor because Blogador and I tried all night to get chants going to make wrestler's laugh. Nothing caught on, but the old black man across the aisle from us couldn't stop laughing.
  
• Blogador and I can get pretty racist without thinking about what we're saying. We both played the "hey, we're minorities too" card and got off scot-free. Take that, whitey!
• Curry Man's dancing is quite infectious. Even we were dancing like jack asses.
  
• I decided, after a few beers, it was the appropriate time to hit on MILFs. Turns out the MILF I chose happened to be the PRESIDENT OF TNA WRESTLING. That's right, of all the people in the building I hit on, it happened to be the president of the promotion.
  
• Biggest laugh from our section: when Awesome Kong came out and Blogador screamed "That's a huge bitch!" at a particularly quiet moment.
  
• TNA Knockout champion, Taylor Wilde = Nastia Liukin with a boob job...right down to the five-head.
  
• Jay Lethal's Macho Man gimmick is more nostalgic in person then it is on television.
• LAX (Latin American eXchange) got the biggest pop of the night. I started a "De-mo-graphics" chant...no one got the joke.
  
• If you saw Samoa Joe at the gym, you might think he just got a membership and it's his first time there and not that this guy is the World Heavyweight Champion. Go figure.
  

So, TNA Wrestling comes on Thursday nights on Spike TV at 8. Check it out, you might recognize some of the older guys that are still wrestling on there.

Why are there subjective events in the Olympics?

If you've been paying attention to the Olympics, which we have in between WWE pay-per-views and Cowboy preseason games, then you might have noticed some fairly eyebrow raising judging inconsistencies in the "subjective" events like gymnastics and diving.

So, what's the deal? Is it anti-American bias? Is it Americans being sore losers? Is there some kind of Chinese political appeasement going on?

The only redeeming quality of Brown University

To be honest, I haven't the slightest fucking clue. I just go by what I see. For example, The Big and The Brown's favorite sexy gymnast, Alicia Sacramone, seemingly got screwed out of medaling last night in the women's vault competition. The Chinese girl, Cheng Fei, fell on her knees while landing, and Sacramone landed on her feet. Yet, somehow, China was awarded the bronze medal and Sacramone got fourth place. Interesting.

The one on the left? 18. The other two? 16. Riiight.

Case two, The Big and The Brown's favorite local gymnast, Nastia Liukin, was seemingly screwed out of a gold medal in the uneven bars last night. A TIED score with the Chinese gymnast, He Xexin (the one in the middle that was 13 about 9 months ago, but is 16 now). She TIED the score, but through some kind of weird tiebreaker system, He Xexin got the gold and Liukin got the silver. In the objective events (track, swimming, etc.) ties are allowed. In fact, Jason Lezak tied with some Brazilian swimmer for bronze because they posted the same finishing time in the 100 Freestyle.

Nastia Liukin took the high road, even though in the picture she's about to release her inner Texan and whoop some little kid's ass.

"It’s nothing I can control, and honestly, I can say it has been very fair to me, and I got the biggest gold medal of them all," said Liukin, winner of the women’s all-around gymnastics gold."

So, what's the deal with the subjective sports? Is it really a good thing to inject subjectivity into sporting events? I'm pretty sure the original Olympics only consisted of measurable and quantifiable results...you know, someone wins a wrestling match, someone runs faster than someone else, someone throws a rock further than someone else. Now with technology, it's that much easier to determine if someone touches a wall one one-hundreth of a second faster than someone else. No subjectivity.

Is it sour grapes to look at the cases of total subjectivity and say that the host country, which has been coming into question left and right, could be pressuring the human element of the judging to edge competition out, regardless of that competition's country? I dunno. It just appears that the Chinese team is sweeping a lot of the subjective events and losing a lot of the objective and quantifiable events.

I dunno, but I don't think anyone will listen to objective reasoning within the context of this argument. If you think America lost a subjective event because of a controversy, it's just sour grapes. If you think America won a subjective event fairly, then it's a double standard.

DAVE!

This is why I prefer pro wrestling. At least the results are known ahead of time and cheating is expected. Way to go, Dave.

Olympics, Week one in Pics

We So Happy for Olrimpics!

"When I'm 15 I hope I have boobs like you. HEHEHEHE!"

More Like BrASSil! Who's With Me!

"Hey Bron Bron, Look at that White Girl!"

"Yea, She is Bangin'"

Bush: "So That's how you Pop Drop and Lock it"

or from Nayfa

"No Mr. President, you light the match, then I fart."

"That's a Fully Man! A Fully!"

"Beat Brown's Caption" Contest!

I'm going to periodically put a picture up with a wacky quote. Use the comment section to beat the quote with something funnier.

The Big and The Brown Water Polo Team

Big's getting into the pool and I'm sitting on the bench

Looking for a Fantasy Stud?

Then may I introduce you to Fantasy Files, from NFL.com.

Chris Chambers



Chris Cooley



Laurence Maroney



Mason Crosby



There you go. Big ups to Mighty MJD for pointing these out.

Dallas's quarterback's girlfriend's mental ability is rubbing off on him

Hat tip: 700 Level via Deadspin

Anyone remember that scene from "Species"?

Seems the Dallas Cowboys's quarterback either doesn't pay attention to anything, revels a little too much in his celebrity, or spends too long dreaming of his brainless yet top-heavy body.

He was signing a few autographs for people, gets handed a helmet and signs it. Turns out the helmet was his own helmet and the equipment manager was giving it to him because practice was starting up.

When Wade Phillips found out, he just mumbled something intelligible about "dogs" and walked away scratching his forehead.

To keep with my theme today, "Tubthumper"

My favorite part of the Olympics so far...

I haven't made any bones about it, I'm hooked on the Olympics this year. I've never been hooked on them before, but I am this time around.

That being said, I was watching the women's team gymnastics final yesterday and was trading texts with Big and with Bear who were also watching it, and...wow, that didn't seem as gay until I typed it and re-read it. In all fairness, most the commentary was on Alicia Sacramone's fine ass...but I digress.

My favorite part of the Olympics so far? Bela Karoyli.

If there ever was a Eastern European, Gymnastics version of Gus Johnson, it's him.

So far, he's gone ape shit during Nastia Liukin's performance, he accused the judges of cheating and having an anti-American bias, he's accused the Chinese team of having a team full of girls who are too young for the Olympics (you have to be at least turning 16 in 2008), and, in general, he's so pumped about gymnastics and his accent, you can barely understand him!

Oh yeah, the only thing that comes to mind when I hear or see this guy....

Lugash.

By the way, I'm having a lot of trouble finding videos this morning, so I'm just going to leave you with "Return of the Mack"

Pain = Funny

I'm so glade everyone is wrapped up in Olympic Fever. All the same guys who poked fun at me because its one of my favorite sporting events are now calling me with stuff like "did you see Phelps! That kid is bad ass!"

Welcome.

Ohh and this is stolen from UniTQM. And if its on his site, you know its good.