Greatest. Story. Ever.

There are days when you come across a story that is so crazy, wild and nuts that you really don't know what to do yourself. I don't like to wish bad things on people, but i will laugh my ass off when something like this happens.

Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers.

The ShamWow guy's last name is Shlomi? That was worth reading the article right there. But wait, there is more.

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room.

Violent confrontation with a prostitute huh? Well, I wonder what he did, or asked the hooker to do, that started this "confrontation." Please lord let it have been an argument over how much man juice a shamwow can hold, with Shlomi issuing the line "well lets see how much blood it can clean up!"

(Shlomi) retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris(the hooker) about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

I don't know much about hooker laws and practices, but I would like to think if you bring one up to your super nice hotel room, offer to pay her 1000 bucks for just some regular sex, and then you explain to her that your the shamwow guy, she shouldn't bite your tongue. But that's just me.

After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons

Whoa Whoa, Booze was involved? Get the Fuck Out. And this was his mug shot.



I swear to you these two picks are of the same person. ShamWow, you have ruined yet another life.

H/T : Film Drunk

GMV - Nude Music Friday

I don't know why I wanted to do this, but it seems to me that we have now reached far enough away from the 80's that people are really starting to use samples and what have nots from the music of that decade.

The use of these 80's songs are no more prevalent than in the world of rap. Here some examples...

Flo Rida - Right Round.



Slim Thug - I Run



Rick Ross - Push It

(click here, youtube, they don't want to embed it)

As a child of the 80's and a fan of Hip Hop, I kinda enjoy this stuff. Take from it what you will.

Wrestlemania bingo just got easier

As Big mentioned, we’re headed down to Houston for Wrestlemania in two weeks, and we’ve asked you to help us create some entries for bingo sheets and camera scavenger hunts while we’re down there.

Well…this might or might not affect your entries:

Kid Rock is going to be performing at Wrestlemania.

Continue your entries.

GMV

As I continue to get bits and pieces of the Internet back from the Kaiser, I'll post these more and more.

Here is the Negotiator vs some Lizard thing from the original Star Trek. Trust me, its funny.



Did He just punch him where the ears should be, and did he just throw a fucking rock at me?

Please, oh please, let this be true

I’m a spare!!!

Saw this on in the Dallas Morning News and had a tiny little celebration.

The Cowboys have looked into the possibility of trading linebacker Bobby Carpenter, according to sources, but might be more reluctant to move the former first-round pick with Kevin Burnett's departure.

Finally!  How long have people in and around the Metroplex been begging for this sorry sack of shit to be cut from the team?  As much good as Parcells did for the Cowboys, his nepotistic take on former players (Keyshawn, Mo Carthon, etc.) and their children killed our draft.

Really?  A number one pick on Bobby Carpenter?  Guhhh.

I say good riddance, and good day to you sir.  I don’t care if you’re Tony Romo’s friend.  Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out of Valley Ranch.

Got a case of the Mondays?

Well take a look at this.

How can you not be happy after looking at this? From its creator, over at Plan to fail.

"for the unenlightened, here's a quick rundown of whats in it

big puffy clouds
mountains
meadow
frank lloyd wright house Falling Water
rolls royce phantom
bear skin rug with Bryce Dallas Howard on it
a shit load of lab puppies
daft punk performing
a saddled trex with corked teeth
and shit tons of beer to enjoy with my friends C.S.Lewis, G.K. Chesterton, St. Thomas Aquinas, J.R.R. Tolkien and Jesus Christ"

I would have put in Orson Scott Card instead of Tolkien, and Chris Farley instead of Chesterton, but a good list none the less.

Wow, birthday central over here

Every hall of fame has a counterpart in its hall of shame.  If we had ours, I’m pretty sure this man could be the flag bearer of the inaugural class.

That’s right, yesterday was Shawn Bradley’s birthday.

I’ll leave it to the guys at 4th and Fail.

We’ve got another birthday!

Happy Birthday, Bizzle!

Guess who’s birthday it is tomorrow?

Happy Birthday, buddy!

Last Chance Bitches!

Last chance to try and prove you know more about college basketball than I do. We have a bracket challenge over at ESPN, link here, or just search for the group name The Big and the Brown.

Winner gets a free post to gloat, tell us how much we suck, what ever. But I'm the defending champ, so if you want to take the strap off me, you better bring the heat.

We need your help!

Dear sexy readers. I know you don't really trust me again yet. You think I'm going to go away again don't you? You are afraid that if you start believing in me again that I'll just turn on you once more, leaving you crying, and hurting.

But I'm not like that, baby. I'm not Chris brown.... Yea i wouldn't bite you and punch with one hand while I'm driving down the street to the Gramys, But your just like Rahoonie. You'll come back. You always come back.

You see I'm saying this right now because i need you. You may have noticed that the reference to wrestling have been, how should we say, plentifull. One might even say we have had a plethora of pinyatas wrestling references lately. There is a good reason.

Me, Brown, Bear, and Blog-a-dore are going to take a little field trip in a couple of weeks. We are going down Houston way, to the land of the Orliers, Astros to take in a little thing called Wrestlemania.



We have plenty of bits and what have not working in our head for the weekend, and one of which We would love some help on, and the people benefiting this will be not only us, but you the sexy readers.

We like to play a game called people bingo, where we look for certain things on our bingo cards that are, how should we put this, out of the ordinary. Take fore example if we were at a heavy mettle show, or rodeo, one of the things on the bingo card would be a black guy. The way you get points for it is if you can take a picture of them with camera or phone. Sound like fun?

So we need your help finding list items, and yes, we will post the pics when we get back.

Let me get you started in the right direction:
A guy with an NWO shirt.
Someone in a TO Jersey
A Pinata of a Wrestler (its in Houston)
A Hot Chick (bonus if she's not with kids)(double bonus if she's with unattractive dude(aka my fantasy))(super double bonus if you can get pics of her tit/bare ass)(ultimate boo-kakey bonus of all time if you put your sharpshooter in her figer 4)

and help us out in the comments.

Time to try and prove your as smrt as me.

I mean smart. Like dirty nasty spiteful smart. What?

ANYWAY, its time for me to put up my championship belt of brackit savyness, and challenge you sexy reader (and brown) in a battle of pick em's. Here is the Big and Brown pick em group on ESPN, or if you need to search, search for the name of the group, the big and the Brown.

Its a battle to the death I tell you! Try and knock me off my horse, Bizzle. Catch me if you can Bear. Suck my Alabama nuts Gerry! I Dersive a Challenge!!!

Re-visiting the Watchmen

I wasn’t a big fan of the movie, but FilmDrunk happened upon a review from their favorite reviewer, Sexman.

I just like this kid because, and I swear I’m not exaggerating, trade the braces for thick, coke bottle glasses and that is EXACTLY how I looked and sounded growing up.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Here's the original story...

Here's the follow up story...

And, yes, here's the music video...

Are you ready for a Packer-less tourney?

For the first time in my lifetime, I’m going to watch the NCAA tournament without the condescending and sour tones of one, Billy Packer.

A lot of people hate Billy Packer because he was never happy. Remember how pissed he got a mid-majors winning games? I think the world is chock full of happy people. Oprah, Jim Nantz, Terry Bradshaw, Big. Why can’t we have the signature voice of the tournament call it anymore?

The thing is, Billy Packer was very smart about the game of basketball, and isn’t that what we’re really looking for in a color guy? The PBP man tells you what’s happening, and the color guy tells you why it’s happening.

Top of your head, what color guys in college basketball actually do a good job of breaking down the game as it happens? Bilas? Knight? (If you said Vitale, you’re an idiot.)

Anyway, Clark Kellogg is going to be the replacement for Packer now, and all I have to say is, okay. Kellogg is, ironically enough, like corn flakes. He’s just there. He' doesn’t have any flavor, he doesn’t have any taste, he just commentates.

Can’t we promote Gus to the number one spot?

(SIDE NOTE: I’m using Windows Live Writer to post to the blog site now, so if this doesn’t go through properly, it’s Bill Gates' fault)

The safe word is "Whiskey"

Exploding High Five!

If you know me, you know I love Andy Samberg, member of the best SNL cast in about 13 years. If you know TB&TB you know we are kinda suckers for award shows. It brings me happiness on my pink parts that Samberg is hosting the most ludicrous, horrible, yet sometimes entertaining MTV Movies awards.

Lets just hope he does I'm on a Boat. Or Iran. or laser cats....or lettuce

H/T: Film Drunk

Its tourney time!

one of the man things I've missed about talking with you fine fine people over the last few weeks is I didn't have a chance to chat up College Basketball. I didn't get a chance to tell you that I think UNC is overrated, or watch for Louisville to make a strong push late, or even that Pitt might be the best team in all the land.

to be fair, I also didn't get a chance to tell you that the Irish would push late to make a bid at the dance, and that Kentucky would win the SEC. So you take the good with the bad.

This is one of the more fun weeks of the sports year, as its the start of the big dance (duhhh). 90% of America don't watch College Basketball till this week, and I've giving that 5 percent of the remaining 10 percent are college kids who go to their schools basketball games. So over the next few days you will be poking around the Internet, looking for some info on how to pick a good bracket. You'll hit up ESPN, but everybody does that so its no fun news. You'll try your fav blogs, looking for help, but what do we know? My mom's basement doesn't even have cable! So you'll do what you normally do, and that's this.

Random Things Dudes do to pick their brackets:

Rule 1. Always pick a 5 seed to get upset, this ALWAYS Happens.
Rule 2. Remember the Darling teams of last year and the year before, they have to be good this year too, right? (George Mason, Gonzaga, the team that curry kid played for)

Rule 3. Do some research, find one low seed that you can learn something about, and then pick them to make the sweet 16, and tell everybody how you saw this coming/how it didn't work. "I thought that if (insert team) could hit some threes, and (insert best player on team) could stay out of foul trouble, they could really do it." even if they lose, you like kinda smart.

Rule 4. Outside of the one team that you picked above, have the rest of the sweet 16 be favorites or just really mild upsets. 5's over 4's and so on. You'll get at least 8 or 9 of the 16 teams that way.

Rule 5. If you don't know anything about the teams, pick the cooler name, so if your right, you can brag. "Fuck yea, I had Xavier in the final 4!"

So there is a little help for you non basketball people, who still enjoy the tourney. Follows those rules and you won't look like a jack ass come April.

Interesting concept...make sure you ask the protesters to avoid trampling your rose bushes

She's showing tenacity, but who's watching?

I don't really consider myself to be chauvinistic or uncaring towards women. Stop laughing, I'm being serious. In fact, I'd say I'm completely balanced in my views towards women's rights, that I treat them with the same unbiased cynicism and mock hatred that I treat my own gender.

That being said, I came across this article by Bob Keisser and nodded my head and then realized this guy is going to get his ass handed to him by Title IX proponents.

If you didn't bother to click the link, he's basically saying that universities need to drop women's basketball from their athletic programs because it is the single largest money drain on campus, and in these times, it's the equivalent of lending money to a crack head.

"Gender equity proponents expressed little sympathy over these losses. Football and its scholarship needs was the main target when Title IX was born and the subsequent Cal NOW suit creamed CSU schools. There was and is a valid legal point about equal opportunity and spending of public revenue, and they made it.

My point is that women's basketball is a complete money-losing proposition for virtually any university. If it made financial sense for universities without the resources of USC or UCLA to drop football, shouldn't a sport that blows millions annually from coast to coast be judged in the same way?"

He makes a good point. How many programs can you name in women's basketball that draw even close to break even attendance? UConn and Tennessee, right? Exactly. Tickets are the revenue source, and if you're only making maybe $100K OVER THE SEASON, how are you paying for the coaches and scholarships? You're taking a loss.

See? I'm making that argument without bringing up the fact that the quality of play and entertainment value is rates about a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being 7th game overtime of a Stanley Cup final.

Look, I get it. Title XI and social mores have determined that for every men's sports, there should be an equal and opportunistic university sponsored sport for females. That makes perfect sense to me socially, but not financially. If women's basketball is operating at a loss, why not choose a sport that is just as entertaining (if not more so) but requires less investment?

H/T: Sports By Brooks

I guarantee you this will happen to me one day

I play golf. I have a bad temper and a short fuse. Obviously, those two things don't mix well. So when I saw this story, I knew that I was pretty much looking into a crystal ball.

It's bound to happen one day. The question isn't "if", it's "when".

The real reason I was gone for so long

I spent some time down in Tampa Bay.

and to think all it would have taken to get me free was 500 bucks.