The Brown Five is a daily breakdown of five stories that Brown stumbled upon and cause his eyebrows to raise up a bit. This probably won't be daily because Brown has the attention span of a...hey look! A bicycle..
1) Avery Johnson
Thinking about what to call here, coach? Thinking about a run with Terry with a kick out to Stackhouse? I bet you are, little man. Let me give you a piece of advice. You see that big strong German man wearing a #41 over there? You know, the one who averages a double double and won an MVP last year? The guy who's had open looks, yet hasn't touched the ball in the last few minutes? The one you, apparently, think has a problem with your Jewish owner? The only good player on your team right now? THE ONE YOU HAD DROPPING 31 WHEN THE REST OF YOUR TEAM COULDN'T BUY A BUCKET? Here's an idea for you: PUT THE FUCKING BALL IN DIRK'S HANDS.
2) Barry Bonds
Okay, I get it, you want to play still. Understood. You want to go somewhere and increase your record so A-Rod can't break it (though you know he will.) Billy Beane across the bay has decided he might even sign you because no one outside of that area of the country can stand you. Maybe you forgot something, YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING TO JAIL SOON YOU PUMPED UP LAB RAT! Honestly, who's going to sign you with your legal issues and the fact that Bud Selig wants to distance from you like you've got leperacy?
3) Johan Santana
So, you don't want to pitch in Minnesota anymore because you want to win a title. You want to go to the AL East where you can dominate in a big market. You want $25 million a year...A-Rod "I can fuck muscled women all I want" money. Good luck, buddy, that's a lot of hooch.
4) Vinny Testaverde
Oh Jesus, you want to play next year too? At age 45?? You'll literally be more than twice the age of incoming rookies. That is unbelievable. How is it possible that NO ONE questions you're on steroids, Vinny. You're strength coach says you haven't lost any strength in 13 years. God damn it, I don't go to the gym in a week and I feel like a little girl when I go back. I hate you, Vinny, I hate you so much.
5) The Big and The Brown
That's 50 posts, boys. I had this thing petering out around 5. Well, done. We've even got some regular readers. Hooray for us.
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