Thursday, February 10, 2011

I don’t understand how women and gay men think

Tell me that’s not the most intriguing title for a post you’ve ever read.

The wife has had to work at the office late this week, so I’ve been getting home, taking care of the dogs and getting a shower out of the way before she gets into the house.  Normally, when I take a shower, it’s a fairly quick ordeal, take shower, dry off, throw on some clothes and bada beep bada boop, I’m done and on the couch.

Yesterday, though, when I stepped out of the shower, I actually took a look at myself in the mirror.  Seriously?  That’s what women and gay men are after?  It looks like I have Gonzo in a leg lock or something…not that I have a blue, furry penis.  I know what you’re thinking a) why the hell are you looking at yourself in the mirror and b) that’s mighty cocky (PUN!) for you to think that women and gay men are attracted to you.  First of all, everyone look at themselves in a mirror, it’s the god damned purpose of having one.  Second, I’m talking generalities, and though I don’t exactly have a memory bank full of other penises to compare to, I’m going to assume that male bodies are the same…except for black guys, “Any Given Sunday” pretty much proved why white guys enslaved black guys: penis envy. (Kizzle just went and Netflixed “Any Given Sunday” and cleared her Saturday)

Anyways, back to the subject.  Maybe that’s the proof that a man is straight, being horribly disgusted by his own penis.  It isn’t some sort of body disillusionment syndrome.  It’s the simply confusion over how women and gay men actually look at one and think, “boy, that’s one good looking penis, I’m going to put that inside my body”.  I mean, how bat shit crazy is that sentence by itself?  

I don’t think the reverse it true, though.  A woman’s vagina is a beautiful thing. (Most of them, let’s just exclude the ones hidden by fupa rolls or the ones that look like someone overstuffed an open faced pastrami reuben.)  I think that’s agreed upon by men and women. No one looks at a vagina and says “yuck”.  Take a look at a penis and you think someone made a miniature model of the worm where they hid the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars. 

It’s just baffling that for millennia people have been attracted to each other and women have evolved themselves enough to make their lady parts attractive all the way around and the best that men have done is decide that the turtleneck hoodie wasn’t working anymore.  Oh, and before some super awesome guy chimes in with a “hey man, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, my dick is huge and women love my big unit and they’re lucky to see it let alone touch it.”, let me just get out ahead of you and say, okay you’re the anomaly big man, enjoy your fleshlight.

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