Monday, January 3, 2011

Stay out of the gym, please. (I’m kidding, I’m glad you’re here)


Greatest porn ever?  Greatest porn ever.

You spent Saturday buying some new clothes and building a tracking chart in Excel.  2011 is gonna be your year to get in shape.

No it isn’t, fatty.

Let me tell you something, Augustus Klump, all you manage to do is piss off everyone else who is at the gym beyond the month of January.  You come in, spend 45 minutes huffing and puffing on a treadmill then manage to get crisco sweat all over the benches and machines.   That, and it’s cold outside and your rascal parked up front makes me park further away. 

All I’m asking is that you follow through.  If you’re going to make everyone suffer the indignity of seeing your tubby ass fly all over a treadmill, then by god, make me suffer for the long haul until it’s all gone.  Don’t be the “resolutioner”.  Don’t buy a P90x dvd and think you’re Brooklyn Decker after 1 week. I’ve literally seen gigantic, Wade Phillips-esque tubs of goo slowly whittle themselves down to a better shape over a year.  And you know what? THAT is an inspiration for everyone.  I actually let these people know that they’ve done a kick ass job and they help keep my faith in humanity alive. 

By the way, here’s the ultimate secret for getting in shape:  FIX YOUR FUCKING DIET.  You can go to the gym every day, but if after the gym you’re eating an entire pizza and drinking a 6 pack, you’ve done nothing.  Whereas if you just fixed your diet, then going to the gym would produce results.  I promise you, you don’t need a DVD, you don’t need a supplement.  Eat a fucking apple.

So, for the guys, there’s nothing wrong with sleeves and taking it slowly.  You and I both know that you and I aren’t the Situation.  I promise you, no one gives a flying shit about what you’re doing, so lift smaller amounts of weight.  There’s no need to try and bench what you benched in high school when you’re pushing 35.  You aren’t Brock Lesnar, so stop dressing and shadow boxing like you’re going to be on the Ultimate Fighter. 

For the ladies, cover it up, and not with form fitting clothing.  You have big tits because your fat, not because they’re nice.  No one wants to see them or that mass of flesh you call an ass.  Doing a week’s worth of Yoga, buying a Zumba DVD and going tanning doesn’t make you hot, that makes you Snookie without the hair.  Earn the right to wear those clothes you think you can wear now. 

If you want to get in shape, I commend and support you, I really do. I just want all of you to commit, god damn it.  Become a regular at the gym instead of being that person we all know no one will see until next January.   If not, then just embrace your size, buy a Vespa and let me call you gravy tits. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've said this to people before and I'll say it again: Folks who despise others for being worse off in some way than themselves would do best to look inward before spewing outward.

And you're no Maddox.