Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Why I hate social networking...

I've mentioned several times that I think sites like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Foursquare, etc. are the collective bane of my existence. For the record, I do own a Facebook account and co-manage our Twitter account, but I'm also keenly aware of the simple fact that my hypocrisy knows no bounds (in fact, wait till I call other people out on it!) Thing is, people ask my why my eyeballs tend to view my brain everytime I hear the words "Tweet" or "Check In" or "Sunday Funday". Given that, I'm going to try and break it down into 5 quick points.

1) "I'm eating a sandwich!! ZOMG!! It's totally yummy! LOL!" #funny4u #kthxbye

Read that sentence. Just read that fucking sentence one more time. Are you kidding me? "ZOMG", "LOL"? Who the fuck doesn't have a keyboard anymore on any god damn device the use? Type the god damned thing out. That's not even mentioning the "look at me" types who feel the need to let me know they're eating an, apparently, yummy sandwich. And what the fuck do you want me to do with the number sign and a few letters? Are you typing out your password? I don't understand, let alone give a shit about your hashtag. No one gives a damn about your life but you and your mother. And she'll be dead soon. You sad, lonely fuck.

2) Hypocrisy and Perceived Piety...seriously.

You're aware that you've got pictures of yourself doing a gravity bong and lining up whiskey shots to do off of your fat friend's back, right? You're aware that you've had a stripper grind her nethers into your nose so far that you were able to smell her womb, right? Let's tap the break on posting how much you love God and everything do you is for the capitalized "Him". I'm also pretty sure you don't say your prayers every night, and screaming "Oh God!1!!" as you cum on your kleenex covered plam doesn't quite count. You've been too hungover to go to church since you were 10. I'm not saying don't be religious. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself and believe in a higher power. I am saying that I know you, you know you, and we know you. Let your social network abide by the separation of church and state. That's Tim from accounting running www.twitter.com/TheRealGod. It's the internet, stop taking it so seriously.

3) Your friends, family, and colleagues

Damn near everyone's got a Facebook account. That includes your family, younger and older, and the people you work with. They're friends with you and so are your friends. If, when nearing the age of 30, you're still living in fear of a picture of your dumb ass running naked through a party from last weekend while wearing an empty Miller Lite case on your head as a helmet, I've got 2 suggestions. A) Don't get drunk and run naked through a party where everyone has cameras (though the case helmet is good improvisational protection). and B) Carry 2 pages, one for friends and one for family and colleagues. It's that simple. Don't send a massive text on Sunday morning begging people not to tag you in pictures, and don't get mad if your friend posts a fucked up joke on your wall because that's how you two communicate. I don't say that from a higher moral ground, I say it because everyone I know that can see my account is well aware that I'm a complete and total idiot.

4) "But, I'm friends with everyone I meet!"

No, you aren't. You don't have 600 friends. You may have casually run into that ayn people, but you need to face the truth. Just because someone is a friend of your friend, that doesn't make them your god damn friend. Your friends don't even like you that much, you think someone who barely knows you does? Just because you meet someone at a bar or hear their name come up in a conversation doesn't mean you have to get on your phone and find them on a social networking site and be their friend. Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is? What the hell is the point of becoming friends immediately? It isn't like you're sharing witicisms regularly. You aren't planning events. Just slow your roll, if you're relevant, you'll remember them and they'll remember you.

5) Join my group! Be my fan! Join the cause!

I don't want to fucking join your group, be your fan or join a cause. If I gave half a shit about saving the dolphins in some remote village in Japan, than I might become a fan of joining the group that support the cause. I didn't on purpose. So don't fucking suggest to me that I should. I promise you, you totally joining the group to make sure that "Texas has more fans than any other state" is neither fun, appealing, interesting or important. To anyone. Including you. Stop it.

The ultimate counter-argument: "If you don't like it, don't use it"

I honestly can't argue with this point. It's like saying you're going to rehab. Ultimate force field. I could liken it to cell phones and say that in today's day and age it is damn near impossible to function without some kind of social networking, but you wouldn't believe me. I could say that it is, in some cases, the only way to directly communicate with long distance friends and family, but you'd argue that e-mail could accomplish that. I could say that these sites appear to be the only way to know what events are happening when, but, again, you could counter with e-mail accomplishing the same task. My argument is simple. I use these sites to easily share pictures, my own random thoughts, and to get information from others on upcoming events. Coloring outside of those lines is white noise to me, and that has drawn to a fever pitch of static and death metal kick drums.

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