Sunday, September 13, 2009

Late NFL Preview


Yes, I’m aware that Week 1 has just started in the NFL, but you know what, last I checked, that’s 1 out of like 20 football weeks.  Unlike women who risk unprotected sex, I can be late with things.

Anyway, here’s my quick overview of the season’s news and some random predictions.

  • Michael Vick is going to be a non factor.  Defenses have learned the Wildcat.  Trust me.   David Carradine’s auto-erotic asphyxiation attempts have been more successful than the Wildcat will be this year.
  • Brett Favre will be a mediocre quarterback.  So mediocre in fact that he’ll be a non-story.  Yup, nothing to see here. 
  • Jessica Simpson is going to resemble Delta Burke really soon.
  • Seriously, I can’t fucking believe Favre did it again.  How the fuck can this shit happen?  Who’s responsible for this?  I want fucking answers that maybe Ja Rule can’t give me!!!!
  • Jay Cutler is a whiny ass hole.  This is a fact.  However, would you rather play for a whiny, granola, Birkenstock wearing hippie fan base and a doucher head coach like McDaniels or would you rather play for a bunch of sausage eating, whiny, girdle wearing Midwestern fan base and the cooolest coach West of Mike Tomlin and East of Mike Singletary…fuck it, I got lost typing that argument. 
  • Terrell Owens is in Buffalo.  How’d Drew Rosenhouse sell this to both sides? 
  • Dallas is going to miss the playoffs. 
  • Sinbad will make a comeback
  • Aaron Rodgers will be the league MVP this year.  He will then engineer a trade to Minnesota.  He’ll do so as a giant fuck you to Green Bay fans who treated him like shit when he was drafted and the 2 years after that.  He will buy Steve McNair’s old house in Mississippi.  Brett Favre will shoot him in the chest four times and then himself in the head.  The story won’t be reported as much as you think it will. 
  • Admit it, you forgot Steve McNair was murdered by a 22 year old girl, didn’t you?
  • Chad Johnson (no, I’m not fucking calling him OchoCinco) will surpass Ashton Kutcher and Shaquille O’Neal as the most followed person on Twitter. 
  • Carson Palmer will be arrested for murdering Chad Johnson.
  • Al Davis will see a surge in popularity when it’s discovered he’s a real vampire and totally knows the Twilight guys!
  • This list will sound more and more like it belongs on a Conan O’Brien “in the year 3000” sketch.
  • NFC
    • Packers (Rodgers will be king this year)
    • Vikings (Peterson and the D, not the old man)
    • Eagles (McNabb has targets now)
    • Giants (Defense wins…even without Spags leading them)
    • 49ers (Pants-Off Dance-Off!)
    • Saints (Brees is that good this year)
  • AFC
    • Patriots (Brady’s back, and he’s baby-daddier!)
    • Colts (Manning’s back, meh)
    • Texans (Yes, this is FINALLY the year)
    • Titans (That running attack and defense)
    • Chargers (Default division winner)
    • Steelers (Best in their division)
  • Super Bowl
    • Patriots OVER Saints

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