Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Rules of the Super Bowl (Long Ranting Post Alert)


Don't serve with this shit

I love watching football. Doesn't matter the game, doesn't matter the level, I just like watching football. I'll watch a movie about football just because it has football in it (and because it's guaranteed to be great.) That being said, the experience of watching the Super Bowl has deteriorated into an unwatchable morass of shit.

Let me essplain. When I was a kid all the way through high school, maybe, I had the same routine for the Super Bowl. ESPN had only two channels: ESPN and ESPN2 What did they run out on ESPN2 all Saturday before the game? They had the NFL Films re-caps of every single Super Bowl right up until the current one. That was 24 hours of John Facenda getting me pumped for the game with the greatest voice ever. If he was alive, I'd pay to have him read me bedtime stories and throw-in the phrase "Doomsday Defense".

Then, 3 hours before the game, they clicked over to the "NFL Gameday." Remember, this was before they had 5 guys on set. This was just Chris Berman and Tom Jackson. At their prime, those guys were the best in the game, period. No bull shit. No Emmit Smiff. No Keyshawn. Just two guys talking football the same way you and your buddies did. That led up to the game.

You watched the game in a room full of people who were interested in the game. Those who weren't were not there anyway, so it didn't matter. The game was the spectacle, not commercials, not halftime, not the coin flip. The game. It was you, your buddies, John Madden, Pat Summerall and the Super Bowl.

Now? Uhh, not so much, buddy.

Now we have 2 straight weeks of coverage. 2 weeks, end to end, 24 hours a day, all day. You have more personalities than you care for, and more than 75% of them have nothing to do with sports. It's people like "Access Hollwood" and "Ross the Intern" from Leno. ESPN really does have like 8 channels now, and no they can't show the NFL Films stuff anymore because that's on the NFL Network. The NFL Network can't break for 24 hours to show that though because Steve Mariucci, Marshall Faulk and Deion Sanders HAVE TO TELL YOU their thoughts at least twice an hour.

The pre-game show? Are you shitting me? I saw this story today. That's right, NBC is now going to have 11 people during the pre-game show. ELEVEN PEOPLE: Bob Costas, Chris Collinsworth, Keith Olbermann, Dan Patrick, Jerome Bettis, Tiki Barber, Peter King, Tony Dungy, Mike Holmgren, Matt Millen and Rodney Harrison. What. The. Hell? This is going to be the most confusing and convoluted sack of shit I've ever seen.

You finally get to the game, and you're lucky if you can find a seat at a party to watch it. Why's that? Because now the Super Bowl isn't the game, it's a god damned social event. There are more people sitting around gossiping about stupid shit and talking about who's pregnant and who's not, and no one pays attention to the game. Not the game, no, they'll stop down for fucking commercials, but resume talking during the game.

So, please, follow these 10 simple rules and be courteous to game watchers everwhere:
  1. If you aren't a football fan, do not go to a Super Bowl party. Watch commercials in your own home and don't try and talk about something else.
  2. If you aren't interested in the game, do not go to a Super Bowl party. See above bullet.
  3. If you're married and your significant other either doesn't like fooball or can't stand to be 4 hours without you, do not go to a Super Bowl party. You got married to the anti-social bitch, not me. Leave her at home and ask for a hall pass for the night.
  4. If you're hosting a party, mind your guest list. If you know you're inviting people that have no interest in the game, don't invite them. Trust me, those of us coming to watch the game aren't judging your popularity by your guest list. We just want to eat, drink and watch football.
  5. Starting football-related debates are perfectly allowed and within the rights of the game.
  6. Starting prop bets and squares are perfectly allowed and within the rights of the game.
  7. Don't complain about not playing squares because "you only have 20's" Guess what, bitch, you just bought 20 squares.
  8. Never come to the party empty handed. A six pack or a bag of chips is the minimum.
  9. We all have to work on Monday. It's not an excuse. Keep drinking, Alice, your boss will be hungover too.
  10. You must pick a team prior to kickoff. None of that "I'm just watching the game" nonsense. The room needs to have polar opposites with the promise of a possible death match.
Now, I've posted rules that I've broken because I've learned my lesson. Hopefully, people will heed my advice going forward and we can go back to the halcyon days of the Super Bowl party.

1 comment:

Big said...

(Stands, Salutes, and whips a tear from his eye)