I know your life wouldn't be complete unless you knew for sure whether or not i thought the Cardinals are better than the Lions, so I bring you this, Big's NFL power rankings.
(i know its lame, but if I do anything well, its lame shit)
Top Dogs, gonna eat yo face and spit out your bones tier
1. Dallas Cowboys 1-0 - Of the 4 teams that looked truly bad ass this weekend, Dallas was the only one playing a good team from last year. For that, they get the number spot.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-0 - They have a HELLUVA schedule, but if they play that well every week, this team could be tops in the AFC.
3. Philadelphia Eagles 1-0 - As a Cowboys fan I was really, REALLY hoping McNugget was done, looks like I was like that time in Mexico City where I picked up a really hot "female" hooker, and that's wrong.
4. Denver Broncos 1-0 - So who would have thought the kid from Vandy would be the smarter QB than the guys from USC and Texas? Hmmmm.
The Maybe I Should have played my starters a little more in the Pre Season tier.
5. San Diego Chargers 0-1 - You put together Norv Turner + Playing Rust+ people coming off injury = Loss.
The We are supposed to be good, but we looked kinda bad, but we still won tier.
6. New York Giants 1-0 - Team looked real good at first, then most of their drives started stalling out at the end of the game. Kinda like my sex life.
7. New England Patriots 1-0 - My roommate called the Brady injury before it happened. He's also predicting that Steve DeBerg will come out of retirement to lead the Pats to a superbowl. He's a mexican. (roommate, not DeBerg)
8. New Orleans Saints 1-0 - So they didn't look bad, per say, but I expected more from a city who father sea hates right now. If nothing else to tell that aquaman mother fucker to shove his trident up his ass.
The "I'm good a swear, look i got win" tier.
9. Chicago Bears 1-0 - Get ready for lots of 16-13 games, as they seam to be ready to play good D, run the shit out of the ball, and then pray they don't have to use NeckBeard at all.
10. New York Jets 1-0 - J E T S JETS JETS FAVRE!
11. Buffalo Bills 1-0 - So
The "uhh you guys lost?" tier
12. Indianapolis Colts 0-1 So Eli lead his team to win on opening night, while Peyton played Sunday night and lost to the bears. What is this, Bizzaro World?
13. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-1 To all you people who said "David Garrard is the most consistent passer in the game." Suck it.
The "If we played this game 10 times, it would be 5-5" tier.
14. Green Bay Packers 1-0 The same week that Carl Badlander told me to listen to a new Alter Bridge song, who are the same people from Creed minus Scott Stapp, is the same week Aaron Rodgers gets his first win as Packer QB. coincidence? I think not.
15. Minnesota Vikings 0-1 - Did I forget just how terrible Travis Jackson is when I picked Minn to win the div? I guess I did. He is terrible. If Chris Simms were on this team, that's at least 4 more wins.
The "look we got a win, we're still relevant for another week" tier.
16. Carolina Panthers 1-0 - Pulled on out their back side. Think people wear "Jesus is my DelHOME boy" shirts in Carolina?
17. Tennessee Titans 1-0 - So the story from this game is that Jeff Fisher, Titians coach, had to coax Vince Young to go back in the game, because his feelings were hurt, because the fans were booing him, because he was sucking. Lets see, Rickey Williams, Cedric Benson, Vince Young, what do all these guys have in common? (brows going to kick my ass)
The "get used to this the rest of the year" tier
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-1 - Did they play bad? No, but they didn't play all that well either. Get used to it.
19. Cleveland Browns 0-1 - Are they as bad as the looked vs. a good Dallas team? No, but they play what I like to call the GonnaSiphaHerpleAids schedule. So, Get used to it.
20. Arizona Cardinals 1-0 - When you are an average team, but you play in a div with STL, SF, and Seattle, your going to get some wins despite your average talent. So, Get used to it.
The "Maybe a Rookie QB aint such a bad thing" tier.
21. Atlanta Falcons 1-0 - I don't think anyone will remember this that didn't go to Bonham Middle School in Temple Texas, but we had this speaker one day, his name was Tony Syyks, and he was a cop. But not just a cop, A rapping cop from the "hood." His songs were such greatness as "I'm a homeboy who became a cop" and "why fight when you can dance." I really wish I was making this up. Anyway, during one of his "songs" he said the line "I'm Toney Syyks, syyks, Syyks" and traild off syyks like it was an echo. Back around to the Falcons, everytime I hear Matt Ryans' name, I think of Ryan standing there going "I'm Matty Ice, Ice, Ice" just like the homeboy who became a cop. Don't know why, but it makes me giggle.
22. Baltimore Ravens 1-0 How bad do you feel for Troy Smith? He was the golden boy at OSU till he blew ass in that championship game vs Florida, and then he fell to the third round, and as soon as he gets his shot at starting, he goes down due to injury. No worries right, the guy who is starting till he gets healthy is a rookie, so they we most deff welcome him back and at least give him shot when he's right with ball, right? Well, Joe Flacco may never sit on the bench this year. Sorry for ya, Troy.
the "bitch, you better get better or I'm going to look like a dumb ass" tier.
23. Washington Redskins 0-1 Jason Campbell, 7 years post high school, 6 different Offensive Coordinators. Is this another way the man is trying to keep the brotha down?
24. Seattle Seahawks 0-1 - Ohh wayyy we had to take our carter jet, with leather seats, personal chief, and striper pole in the back all the way to New York. How can you expect us to play across 3 time zones? Pussys.
25. Houston Texans 0-1 - They did a whole big thing on Mario Williams during one of the pre game shows, and how he'll be the difference against a porous Pitt o-line. Yea, not so much.
26. Miami Dolphins 0-1 - I will say this, they looked much, much better than they did last year, but they don't have any big talent over there. And can they please stop with the baseball/football stadiums? I used to think this was cool, but now it just bothers me. Ohh and your check for letting Favre win on opening day should be in the mail from CBS any day now.
27. Cincinnati Bengals 0-1 - I'm giving this team one more week, but if they play like they did this week, hello last place. This team looked putrid. Like vomit after a night of sushi and guennis beer.
the "i just crapped my pants" tier.
28. Kansas City Chiefs 0-1 - You knocked out Tom Brady, held the Pats to 17, and still lost. That's like getting a girl drunk after a nice dinner, and having her pass out on you while she's starting to felace you.
29. San Francisco 49ers 0-1 - Frank Gore and your crazy knees, Patches O'Hoolahan and your crazy arm, Patrick Willis and your crazy tackling. You guys are cute. Shitty, But Cute.
30. St. Louis Rams 0-1 - So you have one of the best RB's in the league and you give it to him like twice. That's some sound ass thinking. That's like have 3 testicles and then removing one because your too bad ass.
31. Detroit Lions 0-1 Lost. To. Atlanta.
32. Oakland Raiders 0-1 - Do they have promise? Yes, Will they win a game this year? Maybe. Is Al Davis just waiting on the new HeMan movie so he can play the antagonist? God I hope so.
So there's week one. Hope you have fun reading it. If not, all complaints can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.