Monday, March 24, 2008

the 2nd Turnbuckle - Wrestlemania Style

As we here at the Big and the Brown love all things sports, fake or real, we know that we don't have all the knowledge of some of our peers. We gladly move aside when someone who is an expert in a certain field wants to put his/her two cents in. With that said, here is what should be a "weekly" post about wrestling from our wrestling guru.

Screw Brackets. Those things are fixed anyway. Tennessee a #2 in the same bracket as UNC? NCAA just trying to hold down Jews.

Gimme Wrestlemania.

This the one time it's ok for mainstream athletes and celebrities to show up at a WWE event.

I assume the card will go in order from least interesting to most. So with the first match-

Bunnymania Lumberjack w/ Snoop Dogg as Special MC.

Why Snoop? Does he think he's master "scripted reality" and can jump in the ring? Granted he has always come out as a fan, but Special MC has no significance. Just like having Pam Anderson walk out Kevin Nash or a special bell ringer.
And the match is going to be horrible too. If you really want to see impressive women wrestling check out TNA. You want the possibility of a fake boob popping or popping out watch the Divas. If you're late for the start of WM, it's ok you won't miss much here. Gimme Mae Young in some crazy stunt that excites 4 people, one of which being Gruber.

JBL and Fit Finlay in a Belfast Brawl

I can't stand either one of these guys. The only one who brings anything is JBL and that's only with decent mic work. This is also almost as corny of a name for a hardcore match as the The Roddy Piper/Goldlust "Hollywood Backlot Brawl"

24-Man Battle Royal for a shot at the ECW title


Guys are fighting for a chance at Chavo? Really? Chavo? They always throw in a Battle Royal at WM. They're easy to do, everyone knows who is supposed make it to the final 4 or 5. There is so much going on in the ring you can talk to a guy without the fans noticing you're laying out your spots. The gimmick battle royal was the best. This one may be alright, but here is my hope, and it never happens. They allow Al Snow to compete in the Battle Royal as all of his personas. I don't even care who wins this. Gimme The Shockmaster in an amazing comeback. In all reality expect a surprise comeback, Bobby Lashley....?

Batista VS. Umaga


Hey, we've got big names, they don't have anyone to fight, they're not in our long term plans, what do we do? Have to yellers push each other around and do nothing exciting. This match will suck. Here is your chance to go get more food and drink, quick Kroger is a little further than you think.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

These are becoming classic. And this line-up has lots of promise. John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, Mr. Kennedy, MVP, CM Punk, and Jericho.

MVP will not win it because he had to fight Jamie Noble for his spot. Jamie who? Exactly.

Carlito won't win because he doesn't have any push behind him. He will always be this era's Razor Ramon. Great IC champ, never the big dog.

Shelton Benjamin. He's in it because he's pure athlete and will do a great show. Too bad he can't find a great gimmick to get behind. Third time is not the charm.

John Morrison. Nope. Too wierd. Too small. The Shaman of Sexy needs to stay in ECW. For some reason the creative is cramming him down our throats.

CM Punk is definitely a fan favorite. But I don't the WWE is ready to put a big title on him. He will get a push for a title that will be vacated shortly. It'll be his trial run. Nobody goes straight to the Big Belt.

Mr. Kennedy will be a big player, but I don't that he's got the heat to be a champ. They could do an "Edge" deal with him and push him with the briefcase to see if he's worthy of holding the belt.

And my pick is Chris Jericho. The WWE would be stupid not to get him in the big mix. He is a headliner. You don't hype someone up as long as they did to have him fight mid-card. It would be like bringing back the McRib and putting it on the Dollar Menu.

Ric Flair V. Shawn Michaels (career threatening match?)

I wish they wouldn't put that in there. It's just a match. The stipulation has been attached to every Flair match for 6 months. Now the story is pretty good. HBK and Flair have been pretty Brokeback for each others abilities and careers and if HBK beats Flair, Flair has to retire. This one can go either way and I'd be happy. I hold hope it will be one of the best matches and put itself up there as one of the greatest in history. HBK over Flair, they walkout arms over each others shoulders or hands on each others bums wear the back pocket should be.

Mayweather V. Big Show

This will go up there with Inoki and Ali in reality, but won't be anywhere close to Balboa and Thunderlips as far as entertainment.

Reality- Mayweather hires someone in his posse to shoot him at a casino, because Mayweathers superfast-rockhard-tiny hands do nothing to Show's watermelon sized melon and body shots would be useless, the guys too big. Unless he punches him wear Jeff Watts happened to make an observation back at Starcade '99 (most obscure reference possible).

I don't how this will playout but you can catch the highlights on Sportscenter.

Edge V. Undertaker (Heavyweight Title fight)

It'll be a decent match. The only storyline here is will the WWE/Undertaker give the OK to put Edge over as the man who ended 'Takers WM undefeated streak. I so want it to happen. So we can put the Taker in the HOF next year. He's only around for nostalgia. Plus I don't want to risk the chance of BikerTaker coming back.

Triple Threat Match for the WWE Title: Cena V. Triple H V. Orton

This is a very classic match. No highflying theatrics, just guys beating on each other with the most impressive thing being someone bouncing of a rope and Orton possibly going to the top rope.
Orton gets taken out of this pretty early. You were an OK champ kid, thanks for keeping the belt warm. Because they have not changed the appearance of the belt I see it going to Cena. But, looking at the timeline I could see it going to Triple H. He hold the belt through the summer feuding with Cena and hints of Jericho.
Cena and Triple H feud up until One Night Stand or Vengance, that's when Jericho steps in to cash in on his Money in The Bank win and sets up another Triple threat match at SummerSlam. Which would automatically become greatness both in the ring and on the mic. Give me 3 other guys that would be better to feud with the stick? Hilarity and hijinx (hijinks?) ensue.

Thank you Wrestlemania.

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