Sunday, January 27, 2008

Live! From MSG via Dallas, TX: The Royal Rumble

Here we are, the 21st annual Royal Rumble.

Key: (Bi) = Big, (Br) = Brown

Opening match: a 90 year old Ric Flair vs. MVP
Br - Ric Flair looks TERRIBLE in HD. I hope I look that good in 60 years.
Bi - He's been wrestling since 1966. Good. Lord.
Br - Here comes MVP. Not quite like wrestling Jesus, but Flair's going to have to manage.

Br - Anyone surprised the crowd isn't getting into this? Me either.

Ric Flair makes MVP tap to the figure 4!!
Bi - I give that match a 2 out of 5
Br - The match is over! I'm so happy!!

Intercession: Video with Mr. McMahon and Hornswoggle
Br - Nothing really of substance, until it dawned on me that Hornswoggle is basically an Irish Mr. Peepers.

Br - Wait, Mike Adamle is now broadcasting for the WWE. Hulk Hogan is broadcasting for American Gladiators. Mike Adamle is broadcasting for the WWE. Let that sink in.

Next match: Jericho vs JBL

Bi - The promo didn't have Y2J's monday rant at all. Don't know what that means, but it means something.
Br - I hope they start a bitch tits chant for JBL

Bi- Did Y2J just siccor the ropes?
Br- i believe he did.
Bi - Somewhere a lesbian is pissed that they "stole" something else.

Bi- Just want it to be said, the RAW guys calling the match, much better than smackdown.

Br - We have our first blood of the night, with JBL cutting Y2J. Now I'm Randy.

Br - great its that time of the month for Y2J's face
Bi - Nice.

Jericho hits the crap out of JBL with a chair and gets DQ'd. Now he's going crazy with the chair, and now he's getting a TV Cable, and is going after JBL.

Br - is Jericho goin' to have to choke a bitch.
Bi - Well it does not look like this feud is over. So much for Y2J being in the main event of WrestleMania.

Video Intercession: Santino Marella and Ashley
Br - We get it, Maria is going to be in Playboy. Can we just see her naked?

Next Match: Edge and Rey Mysterio Jr. - For the WCW Championship/World Championship Belt
Br - So, Vicky Guerrero is "with" Edge. No one finds this remotely inappropriate given the whole death of Eddy Guerrero? I know it was a year ago, but...why don't we just have a story line where someone hangs themselves with a weight set.

Bi - You think Edge could ever turn face?
Br - Nope
Bi - Okay

Br - Rey Mysterio has a SharkBoy mask on. Wait, that's the Gladiator mask from that movie with Russell Crowe...what was it?
Bi - "A Beautiful Mind"
Br - Die.

Br - I'm going to get a tattoo like Mysterio, but mine will say "Indian" and under my belly button, it'll have to say "Dot, not feather" so no one gets confused.

Br - Another botched move. That's two tonight. Jeff Hardy is going to die tonight pulling an Owen Hart.
Bi - I hope not
Br - People die in threes: The kid from "The Client", Heath Ledger...AND?????
Bi - What is wrong with you?
Br - Nothing, I don't want anyone to die...except for maybe Orville Redenbacher
Bi - He's already dead
Br - Sweet.

Br - Rey Mysterio did this really cool roll outside of the ring. Now the ref has ejected some guys named "Hawkins" and "Ryder". Umm...right.

Bi - Edge just kicked Rey Mysterio's knee, it looked bad. Not really bad, but pro wrestling bad.
Bi - The HD sound allows you to hear the wrestler's struggling. Sounds like a pig. WEE! WEE!

Bi - Edge is taking Mysterio's knee brace off. Yes it's legal, Coach. Come on.

Rey with a near fall off a wicked kick to the face of Edge. Another near fall with a monkey flip. This obviously means he's going to lose.

Bi - Did he just jump off the rope and stomp on Edge's belly? What the hell? Weird.
Br - Yes. Very weird. Almost...yes, it was weird.

Big boot to Rey's face from Edge. Edge sets up for the spear. Mysterio avoids it and hits the 619. Rey hits a splash. Vicky Guerrero breaks the count. Rey argues with her, avoids the spear. He 619's both Vicky and Edge. Edge just caught Rey mid-air with a spear!!!!! Edge wins.

Br's girlfriend - That's what you get for hitting a woman, no matter how bad she deserves it.
Bi - Michael Cole is a douche.

Video intercession: Ric Flair and Ken Kennedy
Everyone in the room just reacted to the fact Flair is walking out of the shower. Gross.
Shawn Michaels showed up to be funny.
Br - Yay! Shawn Michaels!
Bi - So gay. So, so gay.
Batista shows up. Triple H shows up.
Bi - No one's bothered by the fact Flair has no pants on.
Triple H just said, put your pants on.
Br - Shawn Michaels is shilling his merchandise. He's been relegated to tthe mid-card comedy act. I'm not sure if that's sad or not

Live Intercession: Maria's kiss-cam
Bi - What did she just say?
Br - I don't know.
Br - This is going to be a beat down. The girl won't kiss the guido guy. Funny.
Bi - Was that Joey Fatone?
Br - Skater guy's girlfriend doesn't want to kiss him. Very emo.
Bi - I bet that was his sister. Oooh! Here comes Ashley. I love her.
Br - Ten bucks says she offers Playboy.

She offers Maria a Playboy shoot.

Br - Called it. HERE COMES SANTINO!!!! Comedy!
Bi - He has a ghost or something with him. What the hell is going on?
Br - Santino is mocking the Yankees, Mets and Rangers. He calls out the fact the Giants are from New Jersey. This guy is bad ass. I hope Osi Umenyiora takes a shit on him.

New York is doing a "Let's Go Giants" chant.

Bi - (Not saying anything, just has his hands in the air and his mouth open)
Br - Santino is fucking hilarious. The thing in a black sheet is getting into the ring. It's a fat guy with a Patriots logo on his stomach and a "19-0" thong.
Bi - I'm uncomfortable.
Br's girlfriend - He has a tramp stamp!
Br - That's what you noticed?

Wrestlemania commercial! It's got Kelly Kelly. Woo hoo

Br - Mike Adamle!!!!
Bi - HA! HA!
Br - He just called him "Jeff Harvey". This makes me happy. He's as bad as Hogan is on American Gladiators. I'm waiting for a "brother" somewhere.

Next Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Champsionship

Promo's RKO first, then Hardy's.

Bi - I really hope hardy comes out on top. I always thought he was a fantastic wrestler
Br - He won't, but i bet he wins it before WrestleMania.

Bi - Holy shit, a guy was wearing a jeff hardy arm thingie's and a half shirt, with his chest painted for Hardy. New Yorkers are effin crazy.

Br - What is goin on right now? They are just rolling around the ring, I can't understand what people are saying.
Bi - Cats and dogs, living together!

Br- Feel the wrath of Orten Tant!

Br - Wow, Hardy just baseball slided orten into the wall, then jumped over the ropes again! Crazy ass!
Bi - RKO looks like he wants to just walk out, I don't know if i would like that.

Br - Do something crazy!
Bi - Don't get hat gun up if you don't use it!
Br - He missed the moonsault! Thats the third fuck up tonight!

RKO! Hardy tried to do that DDT thing, but Orton reversed it to the RKO, and scored a clean pin.

Br - A Clean pin? Thats it?
Bi - Lame. All that build up for that match where Hardy didn't do anything crazy, and Orton didn't cheat to win? That sucks
Br - The Rumble better be bad ass, cuz this PPV has sucked. I'm talking return of Big Show...
Bi - John Cena...
Br - yea, fuck it bring back DDP!
Bi - Self High Five!

Now we get to see the "numbers" promo for the rumble agian. That makes 3 times.

Next Match: The Royal Rumble
Br - Michael Buffer is going to announce the start of the Rumble. How appropriate. AND BORING.

First entrant - The Undertaker
Bi - Wow, they're starting with Taker.
Br - Apparently, he won this last year. There you go.

Second entrant - Shawn Michaels
Bi - Weren't they the last two last year? Interesting start.
Br - Crowd's falling asleep, they need a spark.

And we begin...

The bell rings and the Undertaker assumes a boxing stance and starts advancing towards HBK.

Bi - What the fuck? Taker's a boxer now?

HBK is getting his bell rung and he's hanging on the outside of the ring. Undertaker catches him with a throat lock.

ENTRANCE! Santino Marella

Santino just got super kicked.

Bi - (Laughing) That's fantastic!

ELIMINATION: Santino Marella

Still just Undertaker and HBK...fighting

ENTRANCE! The Great Khali

Br - Represent for the Motherland, dude!
Bi - I hope he gets knocked out immediately

Undertaker starts beating Khali, Khali puts him down with a chop.

Bi - It was just a chop!!! COME ON!

The crowd begins chanting: "You Can't Wrestle!" to the Great Khali. Khali and Taker have each other in a throat lock.

ELIMINATION: The Great Khali

ENTRANCE! Hardcore Holly

Bi - No "Spark Plug", I'm disappointed.

Three wrestlers going at it in the ring.

Bi - The Undertaker is carrying the entire match right now.

Undertaker trying to eliminate HBK, Holly stops him.

ENTRANCE! John Morrison

Morrison attacks Undertaker right away. Morrison is avoiding Undertaker at all costs now. Morrison holds the top rope and flips back to avoid elimination. HBK goes to the top rope, and delivers a flying elbow!

ENTRANCE! Tommy Dreamer

Bi - Dreamer could have been something-
Br - He's way too old and beaten down.

Crowd is chanting something that is not understandable.

ENTRANCE! Batista

Br - They're bringing out all the big guns now

Predictably, spinebusters, clotheslines and irish whips from Batista.

ELIMINATION: Dreamer

Spear from Batista. Really, how in the hell is this guy not being tested positive for steroids? He's like a bad Popeye imitation.

ENTRANCE! Hornswoggle

Big called this one. He's happy to see the leprechaun.

Everyone stops to look at him, and Hornswoggle crawls under the ring. King called him "Horny". Giggle.

ENTRANCE! Chuck Palumbo

No one knows who this is. He looks like small Batista with hair. Six people in the ring, one under it. Morrison and HBK have both done versions of the "grab the top rope and flip back" move.

ENTRANCE! Jamie Noble

Noble has his torso wrapped in bandages and tape. Apparently him and Palumbo have some kind of heat between each other. Who watches Smackdown? Really? Seriously, Big and who else?

ELIMINATION: Jamie Noble

Br - That was quick....and gay

Hornswoggle is still under the ring...

ENTRANCE! CM Punk

CM Punk comes in kicking ass by kneeing everyone in the face. He just got laid the fuck out by Undertaker with a clothesline. HBK looks like he's almost dead. Right on par with his usual performance.

ELIMINATION: Chuck Palumbo

ENTRANCE! Cody Rhodes

Br - Gay. Gay. Gay.

CM Punk almost eliminated by Cody Rhodes. That would make Brown mad.

Bi - "One of these guys is not like the other one"
Br - They're wrestlers, you idiot.

HBK is busted open. I just noticed. Sue me.

ENTRANCE! Umaga

Br's girlfriend - Yay, that guy's fun.
Br - Shut up and get in the kitchen, fix me a turkey pot pie.

ELIMINATION - Hardcore Holly

Umaga is wearing red pants and looks like the Kool-Aid man. Umaga just slammed his ass in Batista's face. Gross.

ENTRANCE! Snitsky

Br - Ugliest man on the planet.
Bi - Gonnorhea!

Snitsky is kicking ass, the world keeps on moving. Rhodes takes a risk, and doesn't eliminate anyone.

ENTRANCE! The Miz

Bi - Please ge waxed, quickly.
Br - Really, who is this guy?

The Miz and Morrison are targeting CM Punk. Batista is fighting HBK. Undertaker and Umaga. Snitsky and Rhodes. Hornswoggle and wires under the ring. Umaga almost gets eliminated.

ENTRANCE! Shelton Benjamin

Benjamin does a crazy move.

ELIMINATION: Shelton Benjamin

Br - Well, that was a nice super kick by HBK.
Bi - So much for my dark horse.

ENTRANCE! Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka

Big and Brown - YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Bi - Wow, he's seen better days. I hope he gets eliminated soon.
Br - YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Everyone is scared to touch him for fear of killing him. He looks terrible because he's like 100 years old and in HD. God damn.

ENTRANCE! Rowdy Roddy Piper

Bi - What the hell is going on? He looks the same, but he has a gut now.
Br - When did it become 1988 instead of 2008?

Piper is pointing at Snuka. It's Piper versus Snuka! Oh my god! Everyone has stopped fighting to watch these two fight. CM Punk is laughing and Morrison kicked him the gut.

ENTRANCE! Kane

Back to normal, I guess.

ELIMINATION: Piper
ELIMINATION: Snuka

Thank God for Kane. So good of him to eliminate those guys. I'm sure they needed to be wheeled out. Snuka is walking off in disdain. Undertaker sizing up Kane, but turns around to chokeslam HBK

ENTRANCE! Carlito

He immediately spits in Rhodes's face. Carlito does the backstabber on CM Punk. Rhods bulldogs Carlito. Snitsky and Undertaker. Kane and Umaga.

ENTRANCE! Mick Foley

Big called it. Mick Foley has a Snuka shirt on and his Cactus Jack shirt on. Okaaaay. Umaga just does huge Samoan drop on Undertaker.

ENTRANCE! Kennedy

Kennedy got a big pop...that's not supposed to happen, he's a heel. Do I see a face turn in his future? Maybe. Kennedy just destroyed Rhodes with a boot to the face. Kennedy is kicking ass all over the place. Undertaker sits up, Kennedy kicks him in the face. Undertaker grabs Kennedy with a choke hold, and choke slams Kennedy. Undertaker is working on his second wind. The ring is littered with bodies right now.

ENTRANCE! Big Daddy V

ELIMINATION: Snitsky
ELIMINATION: Undertaker
ELIMINATION: Shawn Michaels

Undertaker and HBK and Snitsky are fighting outside of the ring now. HBK is running around the ring, and he gets bumped by a camera. Undertaker just broke a table with Snitsky because he was pissed. STEROIDS! Cody Rhodes does the flip thing.

ENTRANCE! Mark Henry

Hornswoggle crawled out and pulls on Miz's hands

ELIMINATION: The Miz

Hornswoggle crawls back under the ring.

Bi - Big Daddy V is grabbing some dude's taint, that's wrong.

ENTRANCE! Chavo Guerrero

How is this guy a champ? That's not right. CM Punk goes right after Chavo.

ELIMINATION: John Morrison

The amount of guys who are doing the flip back over the rope thing doesn't count. Hornswoggle gets pulled into the ring by Mark Henry. Finlay just runs into the ring with his stick, before the clock. He grabs Hornswoggle and slides back under the ropes with the midget and walks away. I'm not sure if anyone was really eliminated here. I'm so confused. What the hell happened?

Bi - I hate Jonathan Coachman

Finlay was disqualified because he used a stick as a weapon. Okay. What about Hornswoggle?
ENTRANCE! Finlay
ELIMINATION: Finlay

ENTRANCE! Elijah Burke

Batista is outside the ring, but no one knows if he is eliminated or not

ELIMINATION: CM Punk

Batista is not eliminated, he just slid under the rope.

ENTRANCE! Triple H

The new favorite has entered the ring.

ELIMINATION: Cody Rhodes

Triple H is cleaning house.

ELIMINATION: Big Daddy V
ELIMINATION: Mick Foley
ELIMINATION: Elijah Burke

Chavo and Carlito. Umaga and Kane. Kennedy and Mark Henry. Triple H and everyone. Pedigree from Triple H on Umaga.

FINAL ENTRANCE! John Cena

Big is celebrating. Apparently he healed from a torn pec much faster than expected. This is a HUGE pop from the crowd. No real surprise. Wow. John Cena is back! Forget Triple H as the favorite, Cena is the new favorite.

ELIMINATION: Carlito
ELIMINATION: Chavo
ELIMINATION: Mark Henry

Cena and Triple H are facing off in the middle of the ring. Cena is much smaller, both surgery and less steroids. Cena and Triple H. Punch for punch.

ELIMINATION: Kennedy

Batista is back at it.

ELIMINATION: Umaga
ELIMINATION: Kane

Down to three, Batista, Triple H and Cena. Cena just gave a "Holy Shit" because it's two on one, basically. Batista gives the thumbs down. Cena gives the "you can't see me". Triple H does the DX chop. Fightin' time. Double clothesline from Batista.

Jim Ross: Power! Velocity! Intensity!
Michael Cole: Timing!
Br - What the fuck!?!?

ELIMINATION: Batista

Down to Cena and Triple H. Who's going to Wrestlemania?

Bi - Please don't type that I laughed like a little girl.
Br - I hope that doesn't count.

They're both faces, so it can go either way against Orton. We'd say this is Triple H's guarantee, but the showing up of Cena totally changed things. Storyline works either way.

Trading shots in the middle of the ring. Cena body slams Triple H. Five knuckle shuffle from Cena.

Bi - It still bothers me that he wears jorts.

Triple H counters the F-U. Cena counters the pedigree. Double clothesline, both men are down. Cena tries the FU over the rope. Triple H fights it off. Big DDT From Triple H. Cena fights off an elimination.

ELIMINATION: Triple H

Cena wins the Royal Rumble. Cena will go to Wrestlemania and vie for the championship.

Bi - Cena just pointed to his pec and gave the "okay" sign. Riiight.

Wow. Didn't see that one coming.

Thanks for joining us. See you next week.

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