Thursday, January 24, 2008

Forecasting the Rumble...


A professional wrestling pay-per-view is upon us this Sunday, The Royal Rumble. Second only to Wrestlemania, this event is huge because it kicks off the year and starts/advances all plot lines to end at Wrestlemania.

We’ve made no secret that we here at TB&TB are huge pro wrestling fans, to the point where we got a secret insider to write wrestling columns for us. In fact, we’d ask that you, the sexy reader, join us on Sunday night for a live blog of the Royal Rumble event.

You can check the card yourself at WWE.com, but the main thing that we are interested in is the biggest draw, the Rumble itself. A 30 man, over-the-top battle that gives the winner a chance to have a shot at any title belt he chooses at Wrestlemania.

To preview that event, we’ve taken the 21 listed wrestlers (so far) and broken down our thoughts and chances for each guy. Those 9 other spots are usually filled with the normal jobbers and/or old school gimmick guys, so we’ve included who we’d like to see in that gimmick role.

Enjoy…

Umaga

  • Big: Because the guy is one hell of a worker, he will last a long time, probably early, but no chance.
  • Samoan for Final 4, but not your winner
  • Brown: Oh, he’ll scream and he’ll stomp and he’ll gorilla press a few smaller dudes out. Outside of that? Forget it.

Snitsky

  • Big: Remember when this guy had a rat tail and a goatee? No? Nevermind.
  • Blogador: Backzitsky no winksy da rumblsky
  • Brown: Uh, this dude was in an angle where he was licking Mae Young’s feet. Now his teeth are yellow. Gonorrhea strikes again. He can’t win with an STD.

Hardcore Holly

  • Big: I've still got my fingers crossed he comes out as "Spark Plug."
  • Blogador: Name would be better for an adult film star now, trying to carry Cody Rhodth, I mean Rhodes, it’s not much of a career
  • Brown: If I had to guess, he’ll get eliminated by his tag team partner and start a whole deal with Cody Rhodes where Dusty Rhodes gets involved.

The Miz

  • Blogador: This a true story of when you put 30 people in a ring and peole stop being polite and start being real, and nobody cares about The Miz
  • Big: You think the people in the Real World, Road Rules challenge look at this guy as a joke now? Wouldn't that be the ultimate pot calling the kettle?
  • Brown: Both Blogador and Big watch the Real World and Road Rules. GAY! Who is this guy? He can’t win anything.

John Morrison

  • Big: I would be ok with this guy winning if, and only if, he rocks the whole fur coat the whole time.
  • Blogador: He picked the right rock star to steal a gimmick from. Still not the right gimmick so he's not winning, maybe Final 8.
  • Brown: The super-athletic guys, not named Shawn Michaels, never win because they’re stupid enough to try top rope gimmicks and get pushed off the turnbuckle.

Hornswoggle

  • Big: I'd love to two guys take turns trying to field goal kick him out of the ring, but each time the other guy "Charlie Brown’s" the kicker. I would watch that for about 2 min.
  • Blogador: Hopefully we'll see a funny bit where he gets squished between the wide backsides of Umaga and Mic Foley and he turns paper thin and looks like a fathead and gets slid over the top rope.
  • Brown: There’s nothing offensive about a midget leprechaun with a dirty face who dances Irish jigs, is there? Nope. If a leprechaun wins this, WWE has done a Lambeau Leap over the shark for the last time.

Mick Foley

  • Big: He is my sleeper. I bet he wants just one more major push before he walks away from the game completely.
  • Blogador: Though I am the imaginary child of he and Rey Mysterio, Jr. and would love to see him win it won't happen. Him participating the Royal Rumble will be similar to an old QB playing at home throwing an INT in OT in the NFC Championship.
  • Brown: How is this not in the gimmick section? Mick Foley hasn’t been relevant since The Rock retired. Does that mean the Rock is coming back? Gotta promote “The Gameplan” don’t you, Duane?

Batista

  • Big: #3 in my book. If i were to put odds, he would be 10-1.
  • Blogador: Final 4, only because people like muscles. He's a darker, less mic-skills version of Hogan. Big punch, Irish whip, spine-buster.
  • Brown: I’ve always thought that if I took a lot of steroids, I’d look like this guy. Then I realize, my testicles are small enough as they are, and I’m not gay enough to get a belly button tattoo. Don’t be surprised if he wins.

Undertaker

  • Big: #2 in my book. Odds at 5-1. He could use the win as a way to move over to raw and challenge Orton for the strap, or even go after Edge again.
  • Blogador: Final 8, Royal Rumble is not his event, it's Wrestlemania, and as of recent he's in the middle of the card.
  • Brown: Wait a minute, was that a Favre crack by Blogador in the Mick Foley section? Nice. Undertaker won’t win, but he’ll be involved with the title at Wrestlemania.

Kane

  • Big: For the past 3 years or so, I think the WWE has no idea what to do with Kane. He has the talent, but his monster gimmick just doesn't work in main story lines. He has no chance.
  • Blogador: Final 8, no feuds for him to be a part of, he's just a big man with nothing to do. Hey! What's up Larry Allen?
  • Brown: Kane supports Ron Paul. Ron Paul won’t win. Therefore, by the transitive property, Kane won’t win.

Jamie Noble

  • Blogador: Who? If this were 1997 and cruiserweight battle royal he'd be a good pick. Too bad he's Jamie Noble.
  • Big: If this were 1997 and this was a cruiserweight battle royal, I'm taking that crazy guy from WCW who could do the 540.
  • Brown: How in the shit did we start talking about cruiserweights? Where is La Parka? Didn’t Jamie Noble lose to Hornswoggle?

Finlay

  • Big: His little gay dance in the ring with Hornswoggle might have been the gayest thing I have ever seen.
  • Blogador: I'm seeing a final 8 only because he's good at HJ’s and the writers love him. Finlay is horrible, since he opened the curtain in WCW and did nothing else.
  • Brown: The guy is “Fit” as in “Fit Finlay” as in an Irish guy who likes to fight. How does Blogador know he gives a solid tug every now and then? Do you guys watch the Real World together? Does Mrs. Blogador know this???

Cody Rhodes

  • Big: He is from the same blood line as Dusty Rhodes right? Dusty was one of the best mike guys ever right? So why does this guy sound like he's 14 and his mom just caught him masturbating?
  • Blogador: I knocked him in reference to Hardcore Holly, but now that I think about it, if dumb face Eli can get to the Super Bowl, why can't this younger sibling pull something out of his backside? Because he's Cody Rhodes.
  • Brown: Dustin Runnels? Shitty gimmick in TNA. Cody Runnels? Shitty gimmick in WWE. Big correctly spelling the word “masturbating”? Priceless. In that kind of world, anything is possible.

Shelton Benjamin

  • Big: This is my dark horse. It would give some cred to the failing ECW, and give him a big push into a Punk/Benjamin feud that would be pretty damn good. Now I really doubt he would win, but if they give Punk one of the few spots remaining, then that might be a great spring board to this story.
  • Blogador: The equivalent in wrestling to adult film. Great to watch, but you try to go beyond the impressive physical abilities and he doesn't have much. I do see him getting pushed into the Final 8.
  • Brown: If he’s going to look like Sisqo, then god damn it, he’d better act like Sisqo if he plans on winning. Enter the dragon, mother fucker!

Carlito

  • Big: I love this guy. He has no shot, but I love him.
  • Blogador: The underappreciated finally gets another chance. Shelton Benjamin weighed him down, and Flair hogged the spotlight. Here is his chance to feud with a champ.
  • Brown: Come on, he’s teaming with Santino Marella, there is no effing way this guy is getting a push.

Santino Marella

  • Big: I think Marella is Italian for, "a Brown eye of justice"
  • Blogador: Santico, Sanchico, Sanbeepo, San Luis Obispo, Standino Chancetowinna.
  • Brown: Maria is going to be in Playboy the same month as Wrestlemania. Santino is in a storyline where he is “dating” Maria. Maria is naked. We ALL win.

Shawn Michaels

  • Big: #5. About 15-1 odds. I would love another title run for HBK but he doesn't want that grind, and him vs. Orton has already happened. All though I have heard some rumors about a DX vs. Orton/Kennedy, is that something you would be interested in? Yes, yes I would be.
  • Blogador: Final 4 maybe, no lower than Final 8. I see him taking a break until 'Mania.
  • Brown: My favorite wrestler of all time. He’ll do the thing where he grabs the top rope to not get eliminated, flip back up and then suffer a MASSIVE clothesline from someone. That’s about it.

Mark Henry

  • Big: "Me strong, me not win rumble, but me make mean sandwich afterward"
  • Blogador: NORBIT!!! Gimme a break, Henry and Big Daddy V need to get back together and see if they can win on Biggest Loser: Couple Edition
  • Brown: This guy still wrestles? Hmmph. Kurt Angle wins a gold medal, he’s got 12 world titles. Mark Henry wins a gold medal, he has sex with an 80 year old woman. Fair is fair. He won’t win.

The Great Khali

  • Blogador: AAARRRRGGHHH!!! (Arms raised overhead). That's the depth of the gimmick. I see him getting knocked by a much smaller guy (Jamie Noble?) and trying to push said wrestler as a giant killer a la Rey Mysterio in '06.
  • Big: I like Blogador’s idea here. I'm going to go with that.
  • Brown: He’ll be the guy who comes in, runs at the ropes, someone pulls down ropes, he falls over. Way to represent the motherland, ass hat.

Mr. Kennedy

  • Big: #6, 30-1 odds of winning. If he does win, I could see Hardy winning the belt and having a good mike guy (Kennedy) and a fan fav (Hardy) would be great, but I don't see it as "Wrestlemania" great.
  • Blogador: Here is your dark horse. yeah he's a big name, kind of. But he's just past the feud with HBK, which he did well. People will see him as a final 4. I see him winning and winning with some controversy leading to a triple threat for the WWE title at Mania between Kennedy, Orton and the next guy.
  • Brown: Here’s my desired winner, and if it wasn’t for Triple H, he’d probably be the guy to win. He’s the best up and coming star the WWE has, and he’s the best young mic guy in the business. He’ll be in the final 2, but get eliminated. He’ll have the title BEFORE Wrestlemania and be in defense at Wrestlemania.

Triple H

  • Big: #1 guy without a doubt in my book. 2-1 odds. If they want him to stay a baby face, he goes up against Orton, or he could turn heel and go after Hardy. HHH vs. Hardy is good Wrestlemania main event. Throw in a hell in a cell, and you've got something.
  • Blogador: He gets shafted and loses to Kennedy. Barring another freak injury, a 3 month build up between the King of Kings, RKO, and Mr. Kennedy will be greatness. RKO just reeks of douche whether he's a face or a heel, Kennedy is legit heel, and Triple H is your Face.
  • Brown: Triple H is making a heel turn, and I can almost guarantee it. More than likely, the scenario that Big put out is going to happen, with Orton dropping the strap to Hardy. Triple H will win, why else would they build up his “qualifying” stuff the past few weeks.

Gimmick Guy

  • Big; I'm going with Repo Man. I don't know why, but I think we will see that douche this weekend.
  • Blogador: Al Snow coming in as all of his characters throughout the rumble. Aldo Montoya, Leif Cassidy, Avatar, and/or Al Snow that bumps it up to 26 or 27.
  • Brown: Big Show. Mark it.


See everyone on Sunday.

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